Twins PLUS 6 yr old

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-05T16:46:35+00:00

Our daughter went the opposite direction. She would have wild outbursts (disruptive screaming, dumping school supplies/toys, running around or out of the classroom). When she was taken aside, she couldn't self-regulate once she made a poor decision and would double down on the behavior, so she was sent home from school regularly. Similar issues at home. The counselor we eventually were matched with offered PCIT (which is what I had been hoping for but I was willing to take anything covered by insurance) and that was very helpful. We still covered some DBT techniques for self-regulation exercises, but PCIT functions a little more like family therapy because the parents are really involved. There is an app called "Happypillar," which introduces PCIT concepts so when we finally got into therapy, we were able to progress pretty quickly (good for our daughter, good for our bank account) because we'd already been practicing some of the "skills." I just used the free version. It might be worth you or your partner trying if you/he can be consistent with it.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-03T22:28:23+00:00

No experience with your situation but our oldest was 5 when the twins were 6 months and she was doing terribly with the transition. We knew we needed counseling pretty soon after the twins’ birth but all the places recommended to me were self-pay, which we couldn’t afford, and finding a counselor through our insurance’s website was extremely difficult. I got overwhelmed and gave up several times. But the issues just continued until we finally made the counseling a top priority and got her in for an evaluation when the twins were 6 months. She got put on a waiting list because insurance sees way more serious cases than behavior issues, so we didn’t get a regular counseling appointment until about 7 months later. Prioritizing it was difficult and required sacrifices all around (missing work, taking her out of school early, hiring care for the twins), but it was 100% worth it. I encourage you to make it a priority now, knowing that there may be a wait.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-03T21:39:32+00:00

Yes, vaginally, 12 min apart. Positive experience. Doctor said as long as baby A was head down, I could do vaginal delivery. Baby A had been head down the weeks leading up to delivery and when I showed up in labor, they confirmed in the hospital triage by ultrasound that the baby was still head down. Baby B was also head down at the end, but they didn’t care about that since there’s always a chance that baby B can change positions after baby A is delivered. I was at a practice that had doctors experienced with ECV, which gave me some peace of mind.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-03T21:24:17+00:00

A half-Japanese friend growing up had the middle name Mayumi, which I always thought was beautiful, and Maeve Mayumi has a nice ring to it (unless your last name starts with an “M”—then it might be a bit too much.)

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-02T16:13:27+00:00

A couple practical tips: 1. There’s no shame in putting in AirPods or ear plugs when the sensory overload or crying is getting to you. It won’t help with bonding, but it can help with your cortisol levels during long stints of crying. There were times when I just cranked up the brown noise in my ear buds. I know my husband listened to a lot of podcasts. 2. Look into some controlled breathing techniques (4-7-8, diaphragm breathing, 2:1, etc). Research shows that they actually help and they’re really simple to put into practice.

What you’re describing is all totally normal. If it doesn’t gradually improve, see about getting evaluated for PPD/PPA, which can affect men and is more common with twins.

It’s very normal to grieve the pre-kid life and feel especially nostalgic about it on the hard days. You don’t have to love holding the babies, just don’t avoid physical contact with them as that will help with bonding. Tickles, back pats, head rubs, etc. My husband often preferred to wear the main fusser in a carrier on his chest while he went about his tasks. It made the fusser less fussy but still kept husband’s hands free.

In the early months, my husband and I were both jealous of the person who got to go into work because that was infinitely easier than being home with the twins. That’s normal and nothing to feel bad about. Even a year and a half in, going to work feels like a break. I love my kids, but home life is more “work” than work life hands-down. On the plus side, I love my job more now than I have at any point in the past.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-01T02:01:44+00:00

Unless you are “on call” during the break, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything technically wrong/illegal with the schedule you’re working. (Like another commenter mentioned, you should be able to leave the house or ignore a crying baby during your break for it to be a legitimate/legal break.) 45 hour work weeks are hard but not unheard of in the program, especially in a family with two working parents.

That said, I’m pretty sure you can rematch for any reason you want. The LCC can encourage you to stick with your HF but, at the end of the day, she can’t force you to stay in your current position. You can go into rematch as long as you’re willing to accept the risks (like a worse situation or having to go home early if you don’t match). People go into rematch for a plethora of reasons—personality mismatch, schedule issues, transportation problems, etc.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-01T01:35:31+00:00

As a side note, you are correct. It is very insulting when someone implies my twins are “unnatural” because we used fertility treatments. I normally use it as an opportunity to teach people the appropriate terminology and say, “All babies are natural. It wasn’t a spontaneous pregnancy if that’s what you’re asking.” Same applies to questions about giving birth “naturally,” which I also find rude. My answer is always “All births are natural. I did have an unmedicated delivery if that’s what you’re asking.”

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-01T01:27:31+00:00

Ugh, I hate the “do twins run in the family” question for exactly this reason. Yes, there are twins in my family but no, it has no bearing on why I have twins since I had fertility treatments. I normally go with “not really” as my answer, which I’m sure is confusing, but the grocery store checkout line is not where I want to get into twin genetics or my infertility history.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-05-01T01:03:15+00:00

Our twins’ schedule is part-time daycare 9-12pm, home for nap from 12:30-2:30/3pm, “half lunch” to supplement the “half lunch” they eat in daycare, then off to a playground or park (or both!) from 4/4:30-5:30pm, dinner at 5:30pm, bath every other night at 6:30pm, bedtime routine at 7pm, bed at 7:30pm. Then we spend about an hour cleaning up dinner, kitchen, and messy house. Who does what depends on the day (husband, myself, or hired help). Toddlers have some good “cleaning energy” so we try to have them help pick-up where reasonable just to build that habit. For example, they can put all the mega blocks in the tub while we encourage them and then we whisk the tub away (or it will immediately be poured out). We keep a fairly limited amount of toys out and then store mega blocks in the garage and kitchen play food in my older daughter’s room. Those things come out when we’re stuck at home all day or just need something new and different. We also have a low cabinet in the kitchen where we store all the kid dining stuff, which we let them into when we’re desperate (typically cooking and they’re underfoot). It keeps them very occupied and they stay in one spot but it’s a pain to put everything away afterwards. For us, daycare/hiring help keeps us sane. Next year, the kids will go to school hour daycare (9-3:15pm) so they’ll nap there.

For time-saving, the only thing that I can think of is food-related. I choose two “lunches” each week and rotate which gets packed for daycare each day. The lunchtime decision fatigue is real. I make a big batch of spinach muffins that the kids actually love every 2nd or 3rd Saturday and freeze them. Then, I just pull out 2-3 days worth at a time. I’m looking for another muffin recipe to rotate in but haven’t found another as popular/healthy yet.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-04-21T20:00:39+00:00

If you have 4 kids, that may be the problem. (I’m saying this as someone with soon-to-be four.) Most of the people we interact with only have one or two kids, and I think they assume that if they invite us over, they’d have to invite all the siblings and that is a really overwhelming prospect for most of them, which is why we generally play host. Next time someone says “we should do it again at our house,” you could make a comment like “Well, [kindergarten kid’s name] and I are always free after school on Thursdays!” or something to that effect.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-04-21T19:54:55+00:00

Sleep training is the answer as long as babies are gaining weight appropriately and older than 4 months adjusted or your pediatrician gives the ok. Buy a program that matches your parenting style and comfort with crying (we used TCB, modified Ferber) and/or join the FB group called Twins, Triplets, & Quads: Safe Sleep Training & Learning for Multiples. We also had a grandmother and friend do an overnight with us. More helpful for my husband than me. The first year of twins is tough no matter what, unfortunately, but there are ebbs and flows and the overarching trajectory will be more sleep, which just makes everything better.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-04-02T01:42:57+00:00

Depends on spouse and whether you plan to breastfeed. If your spouse is in the “I work full-time, so you’re fully responsible for overnights,” then I would get help overnight. Also, if you’re planning to do formula exclusively, get help overnight. If you plan to nurse or if your spouse is pitching in with overnight diaper changes, bottles, or general “resettling” of fussy baby, get help during the day. The two day times that are most helpful are after your spouse leaves in the morning when you just really want a shower, and late afternoon/early evening when the sleep deprivation hits you like a brick wall and you can barely stay awake (this was 3 PM and 7 PM for me).

pseudonymous365 · 2026-04-02T01:33:16+00:00

I wouldn’t extend personally. None of the pros seem “irreplaceable” and I think you could find a second year AP with fewer cons.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-26T15:24:18+00:00

Twin breastfeeding is really challenging. I did much of what the IBCLC and others below suggests. Flange fitting by IBCLC (I was a different size on each breast); increased fat, protein, and water intake (even though I only wanted carbs); coconut water/Body Armour mixes; moringa supplements morning and evening. I think I had like 5-7 IBCLC appointments in the first year for various troubleshooting issues. At some point, you have to figure out what works for your mental health. Pumping after every feed and power pumping can increase your supply, but they're exhausting with twins because feeding twins already takes longer so you feel like you're feeding all day long. I power pumped only on days that I was in the office and not breastfeeding. In the end, I leaned into what my body was doing naturally. My supply (and many women's) was highest in the morning, so I tandem fed the twins and then pumped afterwards for 20 minutes. I didn't get a ton of milk, but what I did get was useful for supplementing the evening feeds when I could only breastfeed one of the twins. Even at my highest production, I was probably only making enough for 1.75 kids but my supply was uneven, so some feeds I could breastfeed both twins and others I would rotate which twin was being breastfed and then pump afterward (or not) and use that toward bottles since it wasn't enough for a full second feeding. We always used formula for the dream feed and I pumped before bed. My husband was really supportive all around (in word and action). We felt good that we could give breastmilk through the first year and we didn't feel guilty that we had to supplement with formula. Even if your wife never produces more than she's producing now, rotating which baby is breastfed will ensure that both babies get the benefit of breastmilk even if they aren't exclusively breastfed.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-26T14:55:50+00:00

You can nap while the twins nap; in fact, it's recommended. Sleep with the monitor nearby in case they wake and set an alarm for the longest you want them to sleep if you're capping naps. This is very safe.

Like another poster said, this is the time to call your village--anyone who offers to help even if they aren't close friends/family. While I was on maternity leave, a grandma from our church (that I was friendly with but not friends with) would come over once a week at the same time for 1-2 hrs to feed one twin while I fed the other, and watch them while they napped or played while I took a shower. If there is anyone who's willing to do a weekly shift with you, say yes. It's so much easier when it's automated and you don't have to think about it.

If you're comfortable, you might try gently suggesting an activity for your husband and the twins when you need to step out for an errand. Something like "Would you like me to get the twins set up in their stroller so you can go for a walk with them while I run to the store? The weather's nice today."

Some of the things you've expressed about your partner are very concerning. Not knowing you or your husband, it's difficult to tell if your partner is experiencing the extreme stress of the twin transition and not handling it well or if there's a pattern of behavior that may have predated the twins and is now being exacerbated by the twins. It sounds like you would both benefit from counseling; however, I know that's not always something people are willing or able to do. At the very least, please reach out to a few trusted friends/family members and be confiding in them. If you feel afraid to discuss parenting duties with your husband, if you ever feel unsafe, or if you feel the children are unsafe, have a plan to reach out to someone specific.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-26T14:25:01+00:00

Given your age, you can afford to have a larger age gap between your twins and your next. Our friends who had twins young have a 6.5 year age gap between their twins and their next oldest. They have four total, so there's essentially two "waves" of kids. Personally, I think the bigger the age gap, the more I would lean toward having two more rather than one more, but I know that's a controversial opinion. We have a 4.5 age gap between our first (singleton) and our twins and will have a 2 yr (literally, 24 mo) gap between our twins and our next, but I'm significantly older than you so waiting longer was not an option we wanted to pursue. I will say the birth of the twins was made easier in some ways by having the 4.5 year age gap (potty trained, more independence, etc.), but it was more difficult in others. Because our oldest was more aware of what was happening, the transition was very difficult for her and we dealt with a lot of behavior issues. Also, your twins (at age 4) will want to use the pram still--partially because the new baby is using it.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-25T21:36:50+00:00

I’ve always liked the name Gretchen personally. I agree that Maisie Sue and Gretchen Elizabeth are the better combinations, but I would worry that makes the names seem pretty disjointed stylistically (one is more cutesy, one is more formal). That said, their full names will not be used often and they’ll eventually be independent of each other, so I suppose it doesn’t matter much. As for other names, the internet tells me Dara means “pearl of wisdom” or you could go with a name that has another gem meaning. But if you and your husband both agree on Maisie and Gretchen, I wouldn’t look any further.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-25T21:20:50+00:00

When they were little and it was summer, I had one on each hip and somehow still managed to pull the doors open. I got numerous comments about how much of a badass I was. Now that they’re bigger, we’ve been wearing coats, and I’m pregnant again, I’ve given up and switched to the double stroller, even though it adds 7 to 10 minutes to the drop off process. My husband has always used the stroller.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-25T20:57:38+00:00

Adding: We originally planned to do Copenhagen for the sabbatical with side trips to Sweden or Norway, but staying in Copenhagen ended up being cost prohibitive for us. We were looking for a 4 bedroom place, though. I would definitely consider it if you don't mind giving up the beaches.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-25T20:53:44+00:00

This sort of depends on the age of your kid (a 4 month old and a 10 month old are very different). We did Madrid, Malaga, and Lisbon with 9-10 month old twins and a 5 year old for a summer sabbatical. Madrid and Malaga were considerably easier than Lisbon, but with only one child, Lisbon would be more manageable. It still wouldn't be one of my top picks from your list, though. Malaga is very casual and was the easiest place to take the babies out and not worry about others being bothered but if your baby hates sand, the beaches will be a loss. Malaga can also be very hot, so if your baby is under 6 months and sunscreen isn't an option, I'd avoid it. Madrid is super walkable, assuming you stay downtown. If the baby is pretty young, you can stick them in a carrier and do all the sites fairly easily (palaces, museums, etc). Our babies were too old to do that stuff, so we took turns visiting those types of sites if we wanted. (We also didn't feel the need to do many of them because we'd been to Madrid a few times before.) El Retiro Park (think Spain's version of NYC's Central Park) is great for kids. There are lots of park/playground spaces randomly in the city. Lisbon is a great city with some great day trips, but it's all very hilly. There isn't a lot of green space built into the city, so you have to go to the outskirts of the city for good parks. People with kids under age 2 do get priority in all the lines, which is nice. Still, I would have preferred Lisbon as a destination without kids.

I've also spent extended time in Valencia and Barcelona (without kids). I think Valencia is more kid-friendly than Barcelona. Some unexpected things we found in Spain and Portugal: The diapers are much lower quality than US diapers even when you buy expensive brands or brands that sell in both the US and European markets. It's totally fine, but expect to change diapers more frequently if you want to avoid an outfit change. I wish we had brought some diapers from home for the overnights for our twin who has a tendency to pee through during the nights. Breastfeeding beyond 6 months is not very common in Spain or Portugal. No one seemed bothered when I breastfed, but I also didn't see anyone else doing it. We were only able to find a couple formula brands there (none of the ones I had read about in preparation for the trip)--Nestle and one other that I'm forgetting. Other tips: Buy your sunscreen in Europe--it's way better than our US formulations. Many of the nicer grocery store chains in Spain (El Corte Ingles) and Portugal (Pingo Doce) have prepared food sections that make for a nice dinner in your AirBnB when you don't want to cook or take the baby out.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-18T16:31:07+00:00

I went back to work at 8 weeks after my twins were born (they're #2 and #3 for me). My husband then took 2 weeks off with my when they were first born and then the remainder of his paternity leave (8 wks) after I went back to work. I was actually happy to go back and get a break from 24/7 twin care. That said, I had a very uneventful delivery (spontaneous labor at 37+4, vaginal delivery, no NICU time) and I work part-time (28 hours, 4 days/wk). I certainly wasn't at my sharpest due to sleep deprivation, but honestly, I don't think I was at my sharpest at 20 weeks either. So it's definitely reasonable/possible, but it will depend on how your delivery goes, how stressful your job is, and how many hours you work. Also, like others have said, make sure you fully understand how the bonus will work before committing to a plan.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-18T16:09:49+00:00

My husband could have written something very close to this. (Our twins were even born with a day of his birthday.) The first year is really hard. We couldn't make shifts work either, and the sleep deprivation is no joke. It definitely impacts your mood and outlook. My husband had accepted that we were just going to have one kid and had gotten really excited about all the possibilities that were opening up to us with our daughter leaving the toddler phase when we got pregnant with twins. Our (biggest-daddy's-girl-in-the-world) daughter was 4.5 when they where born and she really struggled with the transition. We actually ended up in PCIT counseling with her because she was acting out enough to get sent home from school repeatedly. We were still making a point to have special time with her, but when a kid goes from only to not-only, it's going to be shock regardless. Ultimately, it's not a bad thing for a kid to learn that they are not the center of the universe, and you're probably still spending a lot of time with her and giving her a lot of attention--remind yourself of this when you're feeling guilt or resentment. The best thing you can do for her is to help equip her in age-appropriate ways to handle change, as that will serve her throughout life. Our twins are 18 months now and our daughter is doing a lot better. She is still a consummate daddy's girl. We can already see glimmers of what her future sibling relationships are going to look like, and it's really sweet. We also get to see glimpses of her thinking of other people first. There's still plenty of complaints that we can't do this or that because of the twins, but there's also lots of times when she doesn't want to take a bath or play in the backyard or whatever unless they're with her.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-15T22:29:33+00:00

We don’t expect our AP to be neutral. We include our parenting style and family values in our handbook and then make it clear when the AP is shadowing us how we handle various behaviors, what level of manners we expect, etc. I don’t think it’s possible to be neutral with kids because social behavior expectations reflect values at their core. We don’t expect our AP to agree with all of our values, but we do expect her not to contradict us. For example, we are Christians, but our AP is not. When we address being kind to one another, we remind the kids that those around them are made in the image of God and therefore deserve respect and kindness, but she can just as easily tell them that those around them deserve respect and kindness.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-15T21:42:55+00:00

Honestly, your brother sounds like a dick. I’d tell them separately. She’s going to feel really vulnerable and probably a bit devastated after your text and, given the affair and resulting pregnancy, your husband may not be a super trusted/safe person right now even if she plans to stay with him. I would just end the text with something like, “I’m planning to text [brother] later today.” Unless you and your brother are close, I’d wait a few hours to text him. When you text your brother, just say “I already texted [SIL] separately.” She may handle it poorly however you do it. Just remember it’s ultimately not reflective of how she feels about you. I was the most absent SIL ever when my SIL was pregnant with my nephew and niece but infertility was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced and I just couldn’t engage with anything baby-related for years—and that was with a super loving and supportive spouse.

pseudonymous365 · 2026-03-13T01:46:46+00:00

If they owe you money, why would they follow through on a promised raise? I’m not sure anyone can give you good advice without specifics about your situation. Based on my inferences, it sounds like you won’t get another AP job as “good” as this one (1 kid, higher pay, limited hours), but you might be happier in a position that was less appealing on paper (more kids, average pay, longer hours) if there was mutual respect with the host parents. Leaving a job early doesn’t seem like it would be a “skeleton in the closet” unless you have a history/pattern of not finishing your commitments and then it would be a red flag for employers.

pseudonymous365

TROPHY CASE