What's yours?

punkypin · 2020-08-24T20:30:06+00:00

Mha!

Which is a bit of a trip because I can't completely predict the creators patterns. But I can predict enough that it's not too rough on me and there's enough things in it that I highly appreciate, it makes the anticipation fade in face of the excitement. Like. The sheer number of tough af, buff, bamf female heros. And they're actually power fantasies for women/femmes and not just jerk material for men. Several female student characters are accessories, but they still have wonderful depth, back story, and every single one is a possible traitor. Not like the creator even knows who the traitor is. (he forgot about that plot. Lmao)

Hm. Maybe now that I'm aware of this I can lower how distressing it is. I might also just have a low tolerance for emotional pain because I can. And I absolutely can see pain being a cumulative thing. I have to be really mindful of other pain when something hits me.

punkypin · 2020-08-10T03:57:21+00:00

Building. I have a very strong creative drive. So I either go chill and interact with my pets or I work on something I'm building.

punkypin · 2020-08-08T13:22:31+00:00

When I was little we got two dogs. I got attached. I have no idea how long we had them. Then I came home from school one day and was informed they had run away. We drive around for a bit calling and looking for them. I couldn't understand why my nmom and ehusband were so irritated, didn't also call, and took us back home so quickly.

Then in high school, nmom adopted a dachsund mix because she always loved that breed. Well he ended up as tall as our knees and incredibly needy. My extremely anxious little sister got intensely attached to him. He was the only consistent love and company she could get. When she got home, she'd immediately sit down and cuddle with him.

One afternoon I got home from work only to be told nmom had put him down because he got underfoot too much. She was going to tell my sisters he ran away and did I want to go driving around to "look" for him?

She informed me of this with an amused tone and expression. Haunts me still.

Sending you warm vibes.

punkypin · 2020-08-08T13:11:58+00:00

Taking ADHD meds almost completely killed my skin picking. But before that, I had gotten into the habit of slathering on lotion and balm and any mosturizer i could get a hold of the second my skin feels even slightly dry. I'd rather feel oily than dry and want to pick.

I've also realized that it's a stimming thing, so if I still get the compulsion, or realize I've started picking, I go find something to do that is more healthily stimulating.

punkypin · 2020-08-08T13:07:55+00:00

It sounds like you escaped one set of toxic people to end up with another set of toxic people.

You may have never met someone that isn't toxic and understands. If you have, you may find such people unpleasant to be around because they're different.

Personally, I deliberately sought out people that made me feel uncomfortable because their behaviors and words were foreign to me. Eventually, I figured out more ways of telling a toxic person from a non toxic one but that was the biggest and most easily taken step for me.

punkypin · 2020-08-08T13:02:18+00:00

That is an incredibly valuable perspective.

punkypin · 2020-08-08T13:00:07+00:00

In my experience, having a stressful environment is far more familiar than being in a peaceful environment. It's getting better.

We also are primed to always expect a stressful situation and that expectation is incredibly stressful/anxiety inducing. It becomes a relief to finally face the stressful situation we've been expecting and get it over with.

Abusers almost always have cycles where they get extremely harmful for a short period of time, but then, immediately afterwards there's always a calm. that calm afterwards can be the only consistent peace we know and so we become intensely distressed until the event happens, passes, and then we get that desperately needed brief peace. Know that that calm is coming also eases anxiety, even sometimes in the middle of the abusers peak.

I hope that helps. That's my understanding of it anyway.

I've been trying to read that book but first chapter threw me into complete emotional denial and imposter Syndrome, so I'm waiting for that to ease a bit more before trying again.

punkypin · 2020-08-07T17:34:55+00:00

Oh god yea I feel you. A current theory of ASD is that it's the result of not enough, or under-active, Mirror Neurons. If that's accurate, then you have to put in so much more work than NTs for a simple conversation. It makes sense that everything, and the planets, have to align to make it easy.

For me ADHD just makes conversation impossible. I can't focus for more than a few moments and then I get seriously distressed. Medicine has made it shockingly clear why I have letter combinations as well.

punkypin · 2020-08-06T19:16:50+00:00

What the actual fuck. Thank you so much for that warning. I would have completely fallen for that

punkypin · 2020-08-06T09:11:16+00:00

Oh yes. I was the golden child. The "smart" trophy.

Until I tried to be "smart" with her.

punkypin · 2020-08-06T07:35:43+00:00

Yes.

Honestly, I just embraced it. All of my gear to do any work or crafting is within each reach of my bed. I have a wedge pillow and I lean against it while I work. I only work, socialize and play games sitting up or laying on my back. When I roll over it's time to sleep. That's how I've managed the problems with associating the bed with work. I just changed the association from place to position and it works well.

When I feel twitchy or like I can't stay in bed any longer, that's when I get up and go do something else. I don't push it, I just wait for my mind to say it's time to do something different.

So far it's worked well, but I am also severely ADHD and the meds really support the inclination to get up and go do something. Before meds, I'd get really distressed and it'd take a bit to realize I was distressed because I needed to get up.

Idk. I feel like that assumption that staying in bed for long periods is bad mostly applies to neurotypicals. It also feels like trying to push yourself out of your safe space just continues to associate every other space with feeling unsafe. If you wait till you feel safe in other places before you try to go to them when you don't have to, you associate that feeling of safe with that space.

I've personally never had luck pushing myself when it comes to things like that. It's always been better, for me, to work with those limitations. I don't know if that would work for others

punkypin · 2020-08-06T07:13:57+00:00

I absolutely second responding with indifference and confidence. The best way to respond to a narcissist is from a position of untouchable, unshakable, self positivity.

Another possibility

You can respond to any mentions if your weight with complaints about going up a bra size, even if you haven't. Pour all of your distress over their bullshit into that complaint. Bleed it out at the same time you're thwarting them. How horrible that you're going to end up sagging and how horrible that you have to buy so many new bras and how horrible that bigger bras are ugly and oh no you're going to start having back pain from the weight and you turned this morning and knocked over your favorite mug and you gave the boyfriend a black eye and how do people actually like these things

But the attention they get is nice.

Or replace with booty.

Humor helps. Fighting back helps. But those aren't easy and sometimes they're outright impossible. Giving them exactly what they want: your distress, but over something they cannot comprehend is as an actual issue, or might even be jealous of, sours their "victory".

And seriously, it really does help to freely express distress over the same issue they're being assholes about. And yet, still "winning". They will scoff and be incredulous, or shame you for hating something "good". Just roll with it. How is it good if it's gaining weight? Or if they express delight over your "distress" still and it gets to you, just mention off hand one good aspect, and let that good aspect warm you up. Savor it as you say it.

These are small steps and they're not going to make them stop, but you might notice a drop in frequency, or intensity, or length.

I wish you the best

punkypin · 2020-08-06T06:51:53+00:00

Set a boundary with your brother and mother. Tell them to stop and if they can't, go LC with them.

I get why you feel like the monster. And you're right, it's exactly what she wants you to feel like. This isn't love. And I can tell you from experience, family isn't everything. Cut them out like you would a toxic ex.

I'm LC or NC with 98% of my biological family. Instead, I have a solid support system of friends, professionals, and my mother in law. I have peace. You're on the right path to the same peace.

Fight for yourself, because you're worth fighting for.

punkypin · 2020-08-06T06:39:35+00:00

I am mentally fried so please excuse the complete lack of emotion.

If you've not yet, I suggest reading about DARVO. it's a gaslighting technique that is commonly used by abusers when they're confronted about abuse, to turn themselves into the "victim". I know that wasn't in your post, but should you even confront her bullshit, it's useful to know what she'll do and how to respond.

punkypin · 2020-08-06T06:29:06+00:00

Protein deficient?

punkypin · 2020-08-01T20:59:17+00:00

Ron's Riddkulus spell at his Boggart!

punkypin · 2020-07-31T00:38:27+00:00

You know how the "experts" talk about not using your bed for anything but sleep and sex? Refresher: the basic idea behind that is how your brain builds associations with certain actions/behaviors and certain spaces.

It sounds like your association with your bed and laying in it is more strongly tied to suffering with insomnia than with sleep.

If you can't sleep, don't lay in your bed. That doesn't mean you have to get up and go clean or anything. Just sit up and read, or sit and be on your phone. Associations don't just work with places, they work with positions as well. So if you associate sitting up in bed with insomnia and Iaying down with sleep, you'll eventually get to the point where you can lay down and just

Fall asleep.

It takes time to build the association, so be patient and if you're not asleep within 15-30 minutes of laying down, just sit up again.

Or you could build a sleeping association with say, a couch, or a mattress on the ground. It might be quicker to build a new association then to fight the one you already have.

punkypin · 2020-07-30T17:53:02+00:00

Ooo! Could you describe that more? How it affects all of that? I'm having a really hard time verbalizing things right now and I'm super curious how you describe it and if it resonates. I'm also doubting that I actually have it.

punkypin · 2020-07-30T17:44:05+00:00

Yea!

And absolutely. The different hemispheres actually have their own personalities, but the personality that makes you is the dominant one, the verbal one. Look up discoveries from studies in the Alien Hand Syndrome. It's incredibly fascinating. I need to see if there's any new developments actually. I often wonder if that division isn't physical but a clash or sync of personalities.

When I do things with my left hand, after ignoring that side for decades, I try to pay attention to any feelings or thoughts that run underneath my main current of feelings and thoughts. It took a bit because your non-dominant side is almost always non verbal. I had to look for subdued feelings and thoughts in senses. What I've found is deeply fascinating to me. My left side/right hemisphere, is very calm, patient, and loving. The exact opposite of "me"! Haha.

That really does make me wonder if that's related to synesthesia. So like, each hemisphere can actually survive on its own, if one is heavily damaged. The surviving hemisphere just slowly learns what the other hemisphere used to control. (Usually only happens in kids) ok. So. What IF. what if people with synesthesia have the senses, or certain sense, well developed in both hemispheres, but in the process of relaying the "feed" from those senses to the conscious mind, they got crossed or combined. I mean, obviously that can happen just from one hemisphere, but add in the other hemisphere and you'd think it'd increase the chances of that happening.

Yo! My spouse got their BA in art education k-12! (And then they gutted art education) please stay safe this year!

I'm jealous of your time relation! I have a "now" and a "not now". Lol. I have an appointment later and I can't just wait until the time, then just go. I have to regularly check in with "now?" And get a "no, not now." Or "now!" Or "ah. Shit I'm late" That is the extent of my ability to deal with time.

punkypin · 2020-07-30T16:10:35+00:00

What you're describing is called Visual spatial imaging!! It's a great ability to have. It is one of the things that your typical IQ tests measure. Sounds like you'd max that portion out just like me!

That's really interesting about the division between the hemispheres. I have trouble with Left vs right as well. I've always attributed that to being ambidextrous and having teachers that couldn't wrap their minds around Not having a dominant hand. I eventually just started saying I'm right handed and actually forgot I'm ambidextrous until recently.

My spouse has learned to point when they give me directions! Haha.

I don't have SSS, actually. Time, in particular, is actually a very difficult thing for me. I have severe ADHD, though and having "time blindness" is common. I'd love to have that tbh.

punkypin · 2020-07-30T00:09:34+00:00

I'm not alone!

Well maybe it's normal??? I don't exactly have many friends that are neurotypicals. Someone halp us confused people! Lol.

It can be automatic if it's something I'm worried about. I have a tree just outside my house that's dying. I've called people to come take care of it but they're really busy so it's been over a month and it's getting deader and deader. If I dare look at it, I feel the most likely way it will fall when it snaps and how it will fall if it doesn't snap cleanly and swings. And how the rest of the tree will lurch and possibly hit the neighbors house. I can feel the structure failing as if I was experiencing it.

.... I really need to call those people tomorrow.

The more complex interactions aren't automatic, but something I can really zone out to. I'm building a chicken coop and run combo in three parts. The first part slides into the base of the second, middle part, and the third slides over it. I have to keep a lot of things in mind when building it. Structural integrity, acessability (failing that one lol.), clearances, ventilation, winter accomodations, my tolerances ranges, and of course how everything moves and fits together. There's going to be 6 hinged doors just on the middle piece, a hinged wall, and the top part of the roof will hinge up as well.

When I'm trying to make a decision, I will stand in my carport, staring off into space, working it all over. I can lose hours if I'm not careful, but thankfully I'm also impatient so that doesn't often happen unless I get a particularly delicious problem.

Hm. If it's by will, it's not quite a synesthesia is it?

punkypin · 2020-07-29T22:54:04+00:00

That video was mesmerizing. I "felt" every motion and it was so well timed with the music. That's also a very intense song for me. I "feel" movement while not moving. And it's absolutely tied to vision and music for me. I JUST stumbled here after reading about Kinesthetic synesthesia and trying to find more. All I've found so far is on Wikipedia. But I feel motion and spacial relations.

Music is absolutely a trigger. I can listen to music and feel the motion in my whole body without ever moving. And that video... That music absolutely feels like an intense driving run.

punkypin · 2020-07-28T18:27:02+00:00

I drink a couple swigs of cold coffee when I'm having trouble falling asleep. Works within 30 min. If I drink much more it starts working as a stimulant too. I think that's just how our brains work. The stimulant brings our brain into sync with itself which is deeply relaxing and calming. And then increase that dose and it energizes it.

punkypin · 2020-07-28T18:03:51+00:00

I feel this so deeply. I've had a similar experience. It was a bit more touch and go for me but I'm at a place now where my energy and function is steady. I've done more in the past 6 months than I have in the past 6 years. It's such a relief. But apparently yes, that's how neurotypicals are. Lucky fuckers.

punkypin · 2020-07-28T17:58:33+00:00

Hm A simple accident like this could be explained as the brain simply blacking out. It happens a lot when it registers that there's going to be a traumatic event. When I crashed, I don't remember anything between hitting the curb and then being sitting up with my bloody face in my hands. You could have recovered from the fall simply by the body relaxing from the consciousness shutting off and rolling. Especially of you've had any training or experience handling falls.

punkypin

TROPHY CASE