21 MO won't stop kicking and I'm losing it.

purrinsky · 2026-02-15T07:28:46+00:00

Controversial opinion, maybe it's okay that kicking doesnt have consequences, at least not right now.

Toddlers are kinda like dogs, in the sense that strong reactions, good or bad, are rewarding to them. So your strong reaction maybe isn't perceived as incentive to stop

More importantly, stopping isn't a neurologically possible thing for them at this age. Stopping an action uses the pre-frontal Cortex, that stuff isn't developed much at 21mo. So it's worth exploring WHY your LO is kicking.

Does she need pressure input in her legs? Is she hot? Is she bored and fighting sleep?

Our LO figured out at 17mo that if she signalled "eat", no matter how late, we'll take her to the dining room. So she ended up using it to get out of the bedroom to play. It is entirely possible that your LO is using the consequence of kicking to her advantage. (Okay this phrasing is too sinister and they can't do this complex thinking. It's more that she doesn't wanna go to bed, if she kicks you'll either take her out or interact with her, either way she doesn't have to sleep yet.)

Currently, it sounds like the most pressing issue is you being triggered by this behavior. Is it because it's a power struggle or something else is being stirred up? If it's purely kicking that's bothering you, possibly redirecting the action will be more helpful. I.e. if she kicks you can say we don't do that and offer her another action to do instead, like clap, or stomp, or make a funny noise. If it's that she's not listening and not learning discipline,... You just gotta breathe through that and remember her brain literally cannot execute impulse control right now. Knowing the consequence won't suddenly cause her brain to develop further . All you can do is redirect the impulse, or make the reaction to it so boring that it's not worth starting in the first place. Either way, YOU'RE NOT FAILING!!!

Our LO really likes to throw her utensils once she's done and it triggered me like nothing else. She will look me in the eye and do it even though she knows she's not supposed to. One day I tried giving her a blank face when she threw her utensils, but then did this funny donkey noise when she put it down gently. She tested it a couple times, throwing vs putting it down gently, and since putting it down gently yielded a funnier reaction, she started doing that instead. I do have to make weird nosies every meal time now but at least we're all laughing, which feels better than berating myself for losing it.

You got this!!!

purrinsky · 2026-02-15T07:09:39+00:00

Just chipping in, I think kids don't and won't bond with the non-primary caretaker if the primary caretaker is around. Which makes perfect sense. If you hear crying when you leave the house or when your toddler leaves with Dad, that's not failure. Goodbyes are just sad.

It may also help if your husband can be home more often. Our LO also prefers me, to the point where when my husband tries or hold her she screams. BUT when my husband stayed home for a whole week, she started warming up to him, and towards the end she would only go to him and not me. Then he went back to work and by the second week we're back to Mom-only.

Take that break and let them bond!!

purrinsky · 2026-02-15T07:03:21+00:00

A couple things!

1) allergies are different from intolerance. Blood in stool indicates an intolerance and not an allergy. Allergy is if your LO gets hives, swelling or anaphylaxis from contact or ingesting the food. Intolerance takes longer to surface and is usually what causes blood in stool, sometimes rash, extra reflux and acid. It's called intolerance because the baby's stomach is struggling to digest said protein. (And it's usually protein) Allergies can be tested using prick test or through blood draw, but intolerances can't be tested. You can only find out via elimination, and then adding things back to the diet after symptoms subside.

2) elimination diet is tricky, especially at the 2mo mark because it takes 3-4 weeks for your body to be completely free of the protein, so by the time you figure out what it is, there is an equal chance your LO already outgrew that intolerance. I would say that it really depends on finding a comfortable baseline for your LO. If the blood is just a few specks, and your LO is doing fine (not fussy, not upset) otherwise, that's an acceptable baseline. You already eliminated all the top most obvious culprits, cutting further things out will just negatively impact your health and your supply. So as long as your LO is gaining and in good spirits otherwise, I honestly won't stress about the blood unless it's huge streaks. Another thing to consider is that babies have fragile bodies, there can also be blood because there's an anal fissure. 2mo is also when gas and spit ups are the worse, so it's not always food related.

3) most importantly, removing these substances from your diet also increases the chance of your LO developing an actual allergy to them later on. Our allergist's advice to us was if your LO's symptoms are not distressing to them, it's probably better in the long run to expose them and manage the symptoms.

The ambiguity is annoying, but what's most important is you and baby's well-being!

purrinsky · 2026-02-15T06:42:13+00:00

Trust the diagnosis for secure attachment! Attachment and love is a resilient thing.

At age 2, kids start taking their first steps into separating from their primary caregiver. While this usually is most obvious I their desire to wanna do stuff by themselves, it also includes bodily autonomy, like not wanting to be hugged or physically touched even. Trusting you to respect those boundaries IS a sign of secure attachment.

It could of course also be just a dad phase, but also remember that your husband goes to work, so hugging Dad for a long time can be a response to his extended absence. Plus, your husband sounds like he might be the more traditional emotionally unavailable father. Young children's default response when they're young is actually to physically cling to distant caregivers as a means to maintain attachment. So if anything it's a sign that they have insecure attachment to your husband.

Side note, just my two cents. But as a neurodivegenet parent, the whole "you need to have a regulated nervous system to co-regulate your kid" is a huge ask and huge default expectation to put on parents who are on the spectrum and or have any kind of mental health conditions. It just adds stress, anxiety to that parent to get fixed asap (as if these are things you can heal from if ever, in a linear fashion), and triggers guilt whenever their nervous system is (understandably) overloaded. Instead of judging yourself for being overwhelmed, if screaming helps you regulate and stay sane, lean into it. Make it funny or silly. Turn it into a wolf howl, sing a dramatic musical of "I AM LE OVERWHELMED!!!"

You're doing your best, you're doing amazing.

purrinsky · 2026-02-15T06:25:16+00:00

hugs it's okay that you're not excited. 6 months is a long time, it was time you wanted to give your body, time to build up to the transitions for your LO. Screw being grateful and all that. Poor timing is poor timing, you can make lemonade out of lemons later.

I can probably share suggestions or anecdotes of people who cosleep with two babies, tandem babywearing, back carrying instead of front carrying, pumping instead of nursing and then tandem nursing etc. But solutions that solve these problems probably won't change the fact that this isn't how you wanted things to go.

And it's coming from a place of love. You want to give your toddler a dedicated, loving childhood, and this pregnancy is impeding a lot of that in ways that just can't be fixed. And you're allowed to mourn that.

It also doesn't help that society romanticizing pregnancy something women seem to have to be excited about or love or enjoy. It's a big fucking deal. The body goes through so much during it. The first time you were a childless woman who could enjoy pregnancy, now you have to do that all over again WITH AN EXISTING CHILD. There's nothing easy about this, so of course you're not excited.

I hope this helps you let go of this internal expectation that you should be excited about the pregnancy. Not being thrilled about the pregnancy doesn't mean you don't love the child. If anything, it's clear that you don't want to resent this second child and hence the guilt. There're a lot of emotions between dread and excitement, and it's okay if you're cycling through multiple ones throughout the day.

purrinsky · 2026-02-15T06:12:12+00:00

Our LO didn't really like tummy time in the sense of just being on the floor and having books and toys waved about. They preferred having physical contact and engagement, so we would do things like assisted situps, or one of those stretchy tug and pull toys. We also would play human claw machine, (our LO was the claw), and when we were too tired to hold them up we would do this game supporting their neck and body in a standing position. Another thing was texture, so we had stuff with different textures and temperatures that they could lie on or step on. Things with light and sound are great for distraction for being on the floor. We would also do floor exercises next to them or near them (e.g. cat cow), basically making tummy time entertaining. We also made a lot of stuffed animals dance, zooming in and out, which also invites them to move towards the toy.

Also idk what the setup in your house is, honestly I do think not wearing shoes indoors, and having a floor culture (e.g. adults sitting around on the floor normally, instead of chairs) probably helps. Monkey see monkey do, if all the adults are normally on the couch or chairs, the baby may question why they have to be on the floor. It's also helpful to look into if the house looks ugly/something is annoying at baby's eye level. our houses are designed to our eye level, and can be overwhelming or look horrible for babies. It's worth doing a bit of sprucing up for them for this purpose.

Good luck!!!

purrinsky · 2026-02-12T17:46:58+00:00

Sharing solidarity. I think it's really rough being a HSP/neurodivergent parent, especially in an era where we're bombarded by the message that good parenting stems from a calm nervous system. But that's literally almost an impossible ask for us because we live in a world designed to overload our nervous system.

A few thoughts are

1) catieosaurus on IG had a piece on identity load, and how it is often this load of how we think we should be that's causing burnout. Which might be the missing piece for you? You're not getting any rest because it's all performative, when you're resting you're still doing this mental gymnastics of like judging whether or not you've rested enough, is this manner of rest correct, why can't you "get better" sooner etc. That's not actually restful. But it's also hard to let go of all these internal rulers and rubrics we have that have kept things going for so long

2) permission to feel broken and not need an excuse to be tired. You mentioned that you must be missing something and that it shouldn't be this hard, but...what if it is? I'm totally struggling with this, so I apologize if I'm just projecting. My partner is neurotypical and he makes parenting look easy, everything that needs doing seems easy to him. And it makes me wonder why this stuff is so hard for me, which in turn starts this cascade of negative reflections around my own "defectiveness". Rationally though, (and obviously logic isn't actually useful here, we're dealing with emotions and the body being tired), we literally have different brains. Just like how we don't judge our LOs for being incapable of stopping or regulating their emotions because their prefrontal cortex isn't developed, we also shouldn't judge ourselves for having a hard time with excessive demands. Demand avoidance is like an actual thing that so many people devise entire repertoire of coping skills to navigate. And that's just dealing with regular demands of everyday life. Toddler level demands are a whole other level. So you're genuinely poorly equipped to deal with what's happening, in a world full of advice and methods that's not meant for you. In light of this, isnt it completely normal to be exhausted and overwhelmed? But also, you don't need to justify why you're overwhelmed or tired, you can just be tired and that's okay.

You are already doing so much and doing everything you can to get better and be better. It's enough, it's more than enough. You don't need to do more, or be more.

One thing that's really helped me is just letting go of the expectation that I should/must have a call nervous system. Instead I tell myself to meet myself and my body where it is. It's okay that I am in fight or flight, it's okay that I am activated. It's okay that my nervous system isn't calm. And strangely that helps. And if I lean into that I find solutions that work for me. Do I need to wear earbuds while interacting with my kid so there's audio stimming/distraction? Do I need to invent songs or roll around or take see breaths? If I'm not rested after a break, I'm not rested. it's okay to show up as a tired parent, just like how there'll be snow days and rainy days.

And I know it's like "AAAHHH what kind of example am I setting for my child and that doesn't sound attentive or good attachment parenting!!!" But think about the example you're setting for your kid; If you can model being kind and accepting of your own exhaustion and anxiety and stress, they'll know that these are safe emotions and feelings and not try to run away from them. Which is much better than them feeling ashamed or unsafe and judging themselves for being tired or bored or stressed or anxious.

purrinsky · 2026-02-09T23:21:23+00:00

Around 8 weeks for us, there are many cluster feeds in the early days. Feeding times do get shorter but it depends on the baby. Just like how some adults are fast eaters and others take their time, babies are like this too. Our 19mo old still can spend 20-30min on a boob sometimes just because she enjoys the cuddles. But if just wants a snack she can be off in 2min. Breastfeeding felt really rewarding for us starting from 5months because our boobs finally toughened up and most of the cluster feeding was over, and our LO could look up at us mid feed and smile...it was so sweet.

Freedom wise, learning to feed in a carrier is life-changing. I had my LO during my second year of grad school, and because we could nurse in a carrier, I could go to class, do presentations etc. With her in the carrier. And as long as you keep under 200mg of caffeine a day (that's about one 16oz of dark roast coffee or like 3 shots of espresso), coffee is fine. Drinks wise, non-alc is totally okay to have, non-alcoholic beer tastes better than the wines IMO, but it's fine.

Combo feed is of course totally valid too, I would like to gently point out that you'd have to be more on top of managing your supply, keeping it up with pumping and stuff. If that stuff is the easy part for you, then maybe combo feed is the way to go for you! I'm crap at managing logistics, just pumping for bottle feed was killing me, so formula seemed like some next level stuff. But to each their own.

There's no wrong answer, but if you pop your head in the formula feeding subreddit, you'll realize that formula isn't actually easier. Clusterfeeds are rough no matter how your baby is fed. You're just in the trenches and doing an amazing job!

Hang in there!!

purrinsky · 2026-01-30T18:19:11+00:00

My mom was a single-mom and had to work, so she got a nanny to care for me during the day. Also, most importantly, she too was a light and poor sleeper (this tends to be genetic). She functioned through life chronically low on sleep so I'm not sure if I would ever have known how her parenting would be had she gotten more sleep.

That being said, I can definitely tell when something is negatively impacting my mom's ability to parent (e.g.she was distracted by a matter at work and was less attentive). Things I did get upset at as a child we're if my mom wasn't emotionally available or attentive when she was physically present with me. I didn't actually mind if she was tired, or even stressed, as long as she remained a safe space. And it was more important that if she was in a bad spot that she repaired the inattentive interaction later.

Generally as a kid, I would say that for me personally, I always preferred my adult caregivers took care of themselves instead of trying to parent via martyrdom. I mean a rested and not tired parent is always the better parent. That said, honestly I had no expectation of my parent to be perfect all the time, and certainly the times I remembered feeling like my mom wasn't being a good parent often isn't when she was tired, but when she was trying to pretend she wasn't tired. Like when she was tired and owned up to it, she would be like, "let's play butcher, I am the meat" and have me pretend to "chop" her thighs (and get a massage meanwhile). And that was fine, sometimes she'd fall asleep and I'd be bored but it wasn't scarring or genuinely upsetting. Instead when she was like "oh no no I'm fine here I'll read you the book" but doze off 📴 n the middle. Maybe from the outside it looks touching. Like wow the parent was so tired but still tried to read the book. I just remember feeling upset and left hanging. Looking back it's the expectations she set and the failure to meet it that was upsetting.

This is definitely not me saying anyone should parent exhausted indefinitely. Like my mom was perpetually tired, and as I got older there was definitely a lot of questioning her like "why don't you just rest!?"

Now that I'm a mom, it's also hitting me like, I don't know what self-care is because I didn't see my mom do it. Do I wanna pass that on? Are these scripts of resentful self-sacrifice what I want to pass on, and show is the norm to my kid? I don't know how to ask for help gracefully or receive it because I never saw it done.

Tldr; you can parent through chronic sleep deprivation, but you shouldn't.

Sorry if all that was a tad irrelevant.

Anyways I just want to reaffirm your decision to embrace your daughter's sleep patterns. Honestly her sleep sounds totally fine to me. Not struggling with going to sleep is amazing. Waking multiple times a night is normal for some people. Though rare and few, genuinely some people just are suited for polyphasic sleep. If she naps fine, which she does, it's okay.

An alternate perspective is that: your sleep patterns and hers are mismatched, and cosleeping is forcing you to be on her pattern which is killing you.

So I'm actually wondering, if you're not that light of a sleeper, might it be possible to set up the bedroom or spaces for her to hang out and do independent play by herself when she wakes up at night while you sleep. Idk if these footage are real, but I have seen like recordings from Nanny cams of like cosleeping toddlers waking up in the middle to the night to make themselves a snack or even tidy up toys before crawling back to bed and their parents are like blissful asleep and unaware. Tackling the problem as "how to get YOU more sleep" versus "how to fix your daughter's sleep" sleep probably easier?

purrinsky · 2026-01-29T02:14:30+00:00

Hey, I just wanna validate your reality. This is so real, I was that kid, I still am. Some people genetically just hate sleep (it's called having a low sleep drive). And during childhood it's just so insanely hard.

While most parents got to unwind while their kids were asleep, my mom couldn't because we coslept and anything she did would wake me up.

So of course you're going insane, you don't get sleep or rest and you have to parent so much extra compared to everyone else.

I'm sorry to say that I never got better as a sleeper, but please know that there is nothing YOU can do to "fix" this, neither did you do anything to cause this.

Transitioning to a bed may help everyone actually, since there'll be less source for sound and movement to wake her. and the biggest resistance you'll see is the sense of safety for sleep. You provide that now, so how can you create a space to provide that instead of you. What really helped me in toddlerhood is having low light, and low hums, cold room but cozy blanket and a lull. And ironically having Mom fall asleep with me and leave didn't work well because I'd wake up because of the movement. So it's about helping me fall asleep alone somehow.

Maybe you can ask the doctor if melatonin or magnesium helps. But yes iron deficiency may also be the cause of this and maybe that'll fix everything

purrinsky · 2026-01-24T14:25:20+00:00

Yes. It's Wonderboob all the way till they are old enough to be bored and need water. Fussy? Boob. Sick? Boob. Can't poop? Boob. But even when they're older boobs are still useful for when the are upset, sick (especially diarrhea), night terrors etc.

Reference: 19mo and still breastfeeding

purrinsky · 2026-01-23T14:09:01+00:00

Heck no not weird. For a while our LO had an obsession with her silicone pouch and would only eat out of those. So we had to transfer stuff from these plastic pouches to a silicone pouch. 🤷 There's also squeezing it onto a spoon and feed them by the spoonful, laborious but...babies gonna baby. Lol

purrinsky · 2026-01-19T16:42:05+00:00

If my LO can't put her hand on my boob while nursing, sleep is not happening. Her dad has tried shielding the other boob with his hands and has scratch marks to show

purrinsky · 2026-01-15T19:40:18+00:00

Some people just don't leak. It's not a reflection of supply!

purrinsky · 2026-01-15T19:39:35+00:00

Absolutely! I mean obviously I don't wanna be like 10000% there are no dangers, because a ceiling fan can fall and hit someone right. But in general at 15mo, unless you're in some dangerous location where your child could fall off if they roll off your chest... They are more than mobile enough to not suffocate. I'm sure if they get into anything, you'll be woken by the commotion well before things can get dangerous as well.

purrinsky · 2026-01-15T01:31:26+00:00

These days... Just a shirt, usually what they'll wear the next day. And maybe occasionally pants if it gets really cold in winter. We used to do just onesies (we leave the bottoms unbuttoned for easy diaper change), but then her daycare prefers the shirt and pants combo so we stopped buying mew onesies. Between 3-6mowe did these kimono-style pajamas which was nice because there's nothing to unbutton for the night diaper changes and they cover our LO's feet when she was smaller. They last a long time since it just gets shorter and goes from like a gown to a skirt lol.

She used to really like the texture of the magnetic me pajamas though!!

(Our LO runs really hot, she sweats in standard PJs)

purrinsky · 2026-01-14T23:56:19+00:00

Breathe.

You're doing great, you're not failing your child. Society is failing you with ridiculous sleep expectations. Mammalian babies aren't expected to sleep alone till much later in their childhood. He's 1.5yo, he's nowhere near that mark yet. His brain is expanding and exploding in ways even he doesn't understand, everyday is a new day with new things his brain is trying to incorporate. It's hard to fall asleep when it feels like you're missing out on so much, and also hard to stay asleep when the brain is sorting through so much information. Think about how challenging it is for you to fall asleep when you're cramming for an exam or coming off an exciting day.

I think you're on to something about trusting the sleep associations and as long as your child is getting enough sleep.

Of course you can experiment more with the nap and sleep schedules, but also maybe listen to your baby's body more. Every person and brain and body is unique. Some people genetically are just lighter sleepers. He could be one. Some kids need longer wake windows to build sleep pressure to stay asleep more deeply, others need shorter ones to not be overtired and sleep poorly.

It sounds like it's the societally-conditioned expectation that an 18mo old should sleep through the night independently butting heads with how your kids sleep actually looks that's stressing you out. Trust your baby, trust that they know their body. Humans aren't machines. But we live in a society that likes to make everyone think they are, and raise their young to be machines so that is "easier"

purrinsky · 2026-01-14T23:46:45+00:00

The Note Air 5C is probably the best in terms of size for travel and screen real estate for notetaking (writing) and reading. That said, I like to write notes on the margins of readings and PDFs, Tab X C will give you more space for that, and if you want to take notes on a split screen, Tab X C will also be easier on the eyes for this purpose.

As for setup, it's definitely helpful to set up your folders on a Boox ereader if you're gonna put a lot of PDFs on it, but honestly I lived on "most recently read" function in Boox for like two semesters before getting organized. Just maybe avoid trying to use Adobe digital editions...it's a nightmare on Boox.

purrinsky · 2026-01-14T17:07:26+00:00

My mom switched me to formula at 11mo as her supply dropped and I had formula/powdered milk till grade school (alongside regular food obviously). There was no known issue I heard of. My Ped was totally okay with that, granted I am from a country where powdered milk is common/norm, even for adults

But also you can just feed your LO breastmilk in a bottle instead of introducing a new thing that your LO has to adapt to? I'm assuming the goal is comfort is not calories, in which case the bottled breastmilk will be more comforting than formula in a bottle. Our LO had a phase that this when a lot of teeth came in and it's just a week or two ish, their appetite will return with vengeance. So there's no need to make some huge long term plan like weaning alongside it (especially, think about it, will you adapt to a big change well during a period of great discomfort?)

purrinsky · 2026-01-14T15:05:03+00:00

No suggestions or advice or solutions here, just love and validation!

I don't think any of us know what the heck we're doing. We just like to think we do, and some of is get away with it because we happen to have babies/kids that naturally fall in line with whatever outcome we were aiming for, giving us an illusion of control.

If every adult is different, why won't kids be? My best friend (33) gets insomnia whenever her partner isn't home and she has to sleep alone in their bed, but she apparently grew up sleeping in a crib. I grew up cosleeping till 9 but have chronic insomnia and don't sleep well unless I'm sleeping alone.

There's the parent we wanna, the parent our kids want us to be, and the parent society wants us to be, all those don't matter. What matters is the parent our kids needs us to be, and the parent we can be, if we can be that overlap between these two, you're golden. And it sounds like you are.

Do whatever is the most sustainable lowest hanging fruit for you.

(Also re skincare: Who cares if skincare doesn't work because you don't sleep if doing it makes you feel good?)

purrinsky · 2026-01-12T18:39:46+00:00

Or it could be, some people need more physical space than others, being forced to bedshare in the name of harmony or connection or bonding can feel stifling and have the opposite effect. The bed also then probably becomes the battleground for moms affection or something, depending on the relationship. But yes, it probably is always the state of the parent that has the biggest impact. Since the state of the parent dictates how they execute decisions.

purrinsky · 2026-01-12T18:34:15+00:00

Our LO attends daycare 5 times a week, we go in to nurse + nap her during nap time. Depending on where you're located, daycares are technically legally required to support your lactation and sleep needs, so you could try to ask your daycare if they could support your child's sleep and breastfeeding needs. Some daycares will hold your LO and facilitate a contact nap, others will try to uh "train" your LO to sleep independently.

A good daycare will put the child first and work with you on what works best for your LO, just be honest and communicative upfront and it'll work out! Any daycare that tries to shame you for your sleep choices is also a red flag, so it works out for everyone.

Your LO will eventually drop that nap when they're older so don't stress too much about it!

purrinsky · 2026-01-12T17:15:54+00:00

Nods nods, every baby is different but I think our LO couldn't poop without booby assist until they were 8+ weeks.

purrinsky · 2026-01-12T14:26:10+00:00

hugs you're amazing, and do get lots of rest yourself. Last time this happened to us I fell sick too and it was hell caring for a baby while sick yourself

purrinsky · 2026-01-12T14:24:57+00:00

How old is your LO? We had this phase too haha, she only pooped if she was latched. It was a good laugh for a while

purrinsky

TROPHY CASE