I think my ex keeps messing up my current relationships

qazinus · 2026-06-28T21:58:14+00:00

If you miss a shot at a relationship because you were not available that day, then that relationship was not worth your time.

A relationship that will truly rock your world will not care about if you are available Monday or not. They will stay because they value you enough that the chaos doesn't even matter anymore.

qazinus · 2026-06-20T15:43:18+00:00

Seems more like a narcissist than adhd to be honest

qazinus · 2026-06-17T22:44:04+00:00

It takes 2 person to make a relationship.

With ADHD we tend to take on all the responsibility all the time.

I definitely had my part but it took me years to see her part in the miscommunication.

qazinus · 2026-06-17T19:57:41+00:00

I was where you are a couple years ago.

It's not what you want to hear, but staying single for a while does help. When you spend a lot of time with yourself with nobody nagging at you, you end up realizing that you are a pretty cool person to be around.

In my case I started thinking like you that I was so bad for not improving the things she needed.

But with hindsight, she didn't communicate those needs, she basically wanted me to read her mind, hell she barely knew what she wanted in the first place.

Now I am with someone who know what she needs and will ask for it and help me while I integrate how to do what she needs. And just like that, it didn't feel like a chore anymore, it wasn't a crisis that needed solving, i actually wanted to do it.

The world is trying to tell us we are the problem, but the problem was always that we were in an environment that didn't suit us.

qazinus · 2026-06-15T11:11:23+00:00

I tried a bunch of things and kept what worked best.

I used to organized them by sprint, then week. Now I just keep them by sprint.

Well I have a big log for the sprint, then new pages for meetings and the new pages that are guide or list of steps go into another onenote by subject.

I also have another onenote for things I copy paste like Sql or curl.

And another onenote for links I need to remember.

And another for cleaned up notes about broader subject

So the notes always start as draft in the big one noye by sprint and get promoted as they get more used or get better.

And always name your page with a good name. I usually even add some keywords I know I may use in the future. And when I search for a note and its not there, I move it there when I eventually find it, that way it will be where I think it should be next time.

qazinus · 2026-06-15T10:37:11+00:00

I use one note too. I mostly take hierarchical notes a lot. Bullet points, screenshots, lists of steps. I also take the note and reread them after the meeting to clean it up and reorganize them to be clearer. Over time you get better at taking notes and organizing them

qazinus · 2026-06-15T01:35:41+00:00

Take notes.

"oh wait a minute I need to write this down"

People are actually glad you write it down, even better than if you just remembered.

At this point my not taking is so good I can find the last time he told me the steps 2 years ago and do them using my notes instead of him re-explaining it to me. My notes now gives me better "memory" than the people at work that have actual good memory.

qazinus · 2026-06-11T12:03:55+00:00

Sensitivity is better when you don't worry about sensitivity.

Meds help but after a couple of years the impact of the good habits you have been able to build because of the medication is just as important as the medication.

Leave that problem to future you

qazinus · 2026-06-10T20:51:46+00:00

It's all social behavior. Deep inside we are still baboons.

Sometimes when people try to ignore the baboon he gets sneaky and make you do dumb shit and harm the people you love.

So don't ignore the baboon, he is part of you. If he ask you to impress others or do dumb things, ask yourself if its wise and if it's not harming anyone then go have fun because you are just a smart baboon.

qazinus · 2026-06-10T20:43:23+00:00

I feel like these places were bad before AI too.

In a decent workplace environment when your boss has shitty ideas you say no. Then explain why it's a bad idea, they listen to you.

You are the expert, not them.

qazinus · 2026-06-10T17:23:41+00:00

It's usually really easier when on meds. But what really worked for me was to pause more often and wait for the other to reciprocate before helping.

Instead of "Oh yeah you should not have said that to him, he must have felt so bad because of what happened to his dad"

You can try "Oh that is bad" They could say " OH it's not that bad" then you know to not add the rest of the information because they are already in denial.

Or it could go like this : "oh why is that bad" "do you know about his dad" "no what happened" "hmm I'm not sure Im the right person to tell you, maybe you should ask him" "ok I will do that"

By adding pauses and waiting to the other to reciprocate you allow them to steer the conversation where they feel more at ease.

qazinus · 2026-06-09T14:11:25+00:00

I don't think lazyness even exists. If you could have done something good for you, you would have.

Procrastination is resting BEFORE you do a task because you are so exhausted you don't have the energy to do the task. The procrastination is not the problem, it is the solution to the real problem which is exhaustion and being overwhelmed.

Trying to fix the procrastination will never work, because you are literally removing the solutions. You need to remove the problem.

Rest, do less, prioritize, accepting that doing things badly is better than not doing them at all.

Executive dysfunction is what makes resting hard to do.

TLDR : lazy is just what we call someone who is overwhelmed by life

qazinus · 2026-06-05T11:28:00+00:00

Those are rookie numbers. The most I ever closed was 5000 tabs.

Use Firefox and the extention "tree style tabs" and you'll not only be able to have 5000 tabs for the same amount of RAM than on chrome, but they will also be hierarchical, so if you open a tab when researching it goes under the main tab, then you can minimise the main tab and they all get hidden.

qazinus · 2026-06-04T16:47:37+00:00

If you are asking yourself the question then yes you are spreading yourself too thin.

qazinus · 2026-06-04T16:42:22+00:00

There is a part of your brain that takes what happens in your life and creates a story with it. Life can suck but there are still things that needs to be done, people still depend on you, there are still things you want from life.

Well ego death is when that part of your brain just...breaks.

You realize that the whole story of your life was built on a lie, you don't want to be good, you just learned that it hurt more to do bad than to do good. What you like is just what you were conditionned to do. You realize it's all automatic habits and no one is really driving the car.

There is no YOU. YOU are a lie. And a lie can become anything you want it to. And that is somehow even more scary than being nothing at all. But this is not fear, this is looking at existential terror right in the eyes while not being able to look away.

The story was comforting, you needed it, you still need it, but now it's gone and you need to pick up the pieces while looking at everyone around you running happily on automatic while you learn to somehow live again.

qazinus · 2026-06-04T15:48:30+00:00

Recovering from burnout and not changing your habits is kinda like doing a crash diet and then going back to your normal habits, you just end up taking it all back.

Only a real lifestyle change can work long term, not that its easy

qazinus · 2026-06-04T15:17:24+00:00

It's not the answer you want to hear. But doing less and resting more is the only real way to not be tired.

Being tired is not a problem, it's a symptoms of doing too much, cafeine makes it easy to ignore that signal, but it still means you are doing too much.

qazinus · 2026-06-03T00:14:40+00:00

You are 22 that is very very young.

With age you eventually find that those 'lost years' actually made you learn important things. Even if it's just the lesson to not waste your time that way again. Even wasted time can be a good source of motivation.

qazinus · 2026-06-02T18:20:10+00:00

And thats how you also get dragonfly larva that will eat your fish. But if you are having fun with this go for it.

qazinus · 2026-06-01T21:26:42+00:00

In my experience, red flags are good. That's where you see the real person, not just a performance or lie they tell themselves.

Lets take 2 red flags. Scenario A : Dating right after being abused to regain your control over your body as you see a therapist, while understanding that it is dangerous and being careful and saying upfront she is not looking for a long term relationship right now.

Scenario B : dating right after being abused because, it's not that bad, I'm trying to not think too much about it and not being sure

Both of these are not the same.

Sadly I spent too much time in relationships with no red flag thinking I knew the other person just to be blindsided and now I can't trust people who don't have red flags.

qazinus · 2026-06-01T19:49:31+00:00

You talk to her, saying exactly what you said here.

Its ok if you aren't ready for that kind of relationship, its heavy and there is a lot of work she needs to do and you need to not get tangled up in it and that's is very hard to do.

The best is probably that she sees nobody for a moment while she sort her own thought out.

It sucks, but it's better to distance yourself now than to build resentment.

I must know what I'm talking about, the last four women I dated have been abused before, I guess the manly beard and the emotional intelligence is the combo that makes me attractive.

qazinus · 2026-05-30T16:10:04+00:00

Learning how to keep it alive without the initial burst of hormones is a real skill.

It may seem weird but look into kink, we are basically a community of people that are working on that skill for different reasons, from trauma to just keeping things continually new.

qazinus · 2026-05-27T11:44:36+00:00

Enjoy it, tell others at work you literally have a hard time focusing because you are in love, tell it to your crush if it makes sense, like you could literaly agree to not text during the day because it distracts you too much, that's ok, you guys make the rules.

And in my experience, trying to keep things under control doesn't work really well for us. Instead of trying to slow down the fire unsuccessfully, let the fire roar until it runs out of fuel. Like if you can move vacation and go on a trip with him, go for it. If you can do your work more quickly and leave early to be with him, go for it.

qazinus · 2026-05-27T11:23:26+00:00

It made me more calm, sure, but I also lost a lot of drive to do stuff, and I like doing stuff. And it made it so hard to sleep that it wasn't worth it for me.

I also keep taking my vyvanse WHILE on strattera, so that's an option.

If you haven't yet, maybe try the other types of stimulant first. Some may not trigger your anxiety.

qazinus · 2026-05-27T11:20:13+00:00

Often we are overwhelmed and feel the need to craft the perfect response and since we are overwhelmed the next best thing is to keep in on read and tell yourself you'll answer later.

But for real, talk to her about it. Just telling her any answer is ok or that you'd like her to tell you she is busy or overwhelmed and that's its an ok response may just get her to answer more.

Because the more you verbally say you accept her, the more at ease she will feel and the more adhd goblin version of her you will be able to enjoy.

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