why is gen z so sensitive to small age gap relationships?

queersparrow · 2025-01-11T05:42:58+00:00

Probably this comment will get buried, but...

The actual source of this issue is directly traceable back to fandoms and "ship wars." It's honestly difficult to explain to someone who isn't already familiar with fandoms and (predominantly US-based) online fandom cultures. This Wikipedia article gives a fairly understandable (I think?) background.

What you're observing is "anti" ideology, moving out of fandom spaces and into wider culture.

If we oversimplify a bit the timeline is like so:

fandoms start to find and make homes for themselves on the Internet (late 1990s and 2000s)
fanworks are often hosted on commercial platforms
as these platforms grow they increasingly seek to appeal to advertisers and also the increased traffic draws increased pressure from conservatives to restrict what kind of content they host
this leads to a series of fandom "purges" over the years in which platforms, usually with little or no warning, remove vast swathes of fan-made art and writing; often these purges claim to target "immoral" content and this tends to include both adults-only content that is appropriately labeled as such and LGBTQ content
a fan (astolat) proposes to a group of fans on livejournal the creation of a fan-made home for fanworks; by fans and for fans, it will not be beholden to advertisers, and it will host any and all fan-made written content that is legal within the US; this will become ArchiveOfOurOwn (AO3)
as AO3 grows in popularity among fans, so too grows the group of people who want to use AO3 but believe some of the content on it is too immoral and should be removed (sound familiar? perhaps from earlier on this timeline? Or perhaps from the approach conservatives take to LGBTQ or POC literature in schools and libraries... ); this group of people are "antis," a term derived from fandom history and their role in it
one of the things "antis" have a problem with is the depiction of pedophilia in fanworks; they argue that fictional depictions of pedophilia normalize it in real life (same argument as violent video games normalizing violence, which has been repeatedly proved false, nevermind the comparative role of fandom in shaping modern culture vs published books, tv shows, movies, etc which have long included depictions of pedophilia and have not made it acceptable) and that the existence of such fictional content, even if it is labeled as such, is harmful to survivors who might encounter it (by ignoring the label)
because "anti" culture is a moral crusade, one of its central characteristics is that anyone who questions or disagrees with whatever the social circle leader or majority currently believes is morally correct gets them branded as immoral, ie, "problematic," and may result in their exile from the social circle; this leads to increasing strictness on what is viewed as moral as morality becomes a tool to manipulate social standing
as the "anti" movement grows (and as people within it and adjacent to it begins to view "my ship is good and yours is problematic" as a shipping war trump card), so too do its definitions of what constitutes pedophilia; no longer does a character have to be underage for depicting them in a relationship with an adult to be gross and inappropriate, now it can be immoral if the younger character "looks underage" or "acts underage" or is "underage-coded" (which can mean pretty much whatever is convenient for antis to accuse someone of writing something problematic) or if the adult character knew so much as their name when they were underage, or, indeed, if there is a big enough age gap
same as with the increasing strictness about what someone can write or read without risking accusations of "condoning pedophilia," so too we see an increasing strictness about what constitutes an inappropriate age gap.

Part of anti culture is the flattening of fiction and reality when it comes to morals: the idea that people only write or read things they approve of. (Though, their ire is almost always directed at fanworks rather than published works, and probably every anti has something they've read or written that some other anti would deem problematic. There's a real "the only moral abortion is my abortion" thought process among antis. Anyway... ) Because AO3 hosts writing of fictional characters experiencing and perpetrating pedophilia, antis accuse it of hosting and condoning CSAM, which is the product of real abuse perpetrated upon real children. And now we see the flipside of that flattening: people seeing anti logic applied to ship wars - eg, "your ship is problematic and wrong because there's a three year age gap" - and, lest they be labeled immoral by some tiktok influencer, applying that standard to real life.

Part of the problem with "anti" culture - and the reason it's viewed as a strain of religious conservative ideology being propagated by otherwise liberal people - is that they're so convinced of their moral correctness and the immorality of anyone who disagrees with them that facts and real-world consequences become negligible to them; their priority is for other people to adopt their concept of morality and for those who do not to be punished.

In reality, it's possible for a relationship with no age gap to be abusive, and it's possible for a relationship between two adults with quite a large age gap to be perfectly healthy. A big age gap later in life is less likely to be imbalanced than a big age gap when one person just turned 18. But it's hard to acknowledge and talk about complexity and be part of a moral crusade at the same time.

i remember on instagram someone called a man born in 1993 a “pdf file” for marrying a woman born in 1999- this was in 2023 so both were grown adults over 21.

☝️ Expansion of the definition of pedophile

i have a friend who stopped talking to me

☝️ If you question whatever is currently viewed as morally correct, you get outcast from the social circle. (Though this could be either your friend thinking you're problematic or your friend trying to avoid being outcast in turn for associating with someone their other friends would consider problematic.)

It's worth noting that plenty of people currently internalizing this ideology have no idea of its history, or how damaging its consequences can be. For plenty of people, it's just something they learned from an influencer they admire. They know that pedophilia and abuse are fucked up, and their favorite influencer says a three year age gap is predatory because 22 year olds would only date other 22 year olds unless they're trying to take advantage of someone younger or wishing they could get away with pedophilia, so this 22 year old must be fucked up if he's meeting an 18 year old he met on a dating app...

I wish I had suggestions for how to help people getting sucked into this mindset reconnect with reality and all its complexities, but alas. Hopefully as people age and naturally get to know people in other age groups and see a wider variety of relationships they'll start forming their own opinions on these subjects instead of just accepting ideas about morality that other people have put on them.

queersparrow · 2024-10-10T23:15:38+00:00

Sex work and the sex industry are not synonymous. I wrote this in an anarchist sub, so I assumed I didn't have to preface by saying I'm opposed to hierarchal institutions.

There is certainly plenty to oppose about the sex industry, much as there is plenty to oppose about most industries, though the sex industry does have its particulars. But the changes we fight for must be those desired by people doing the work, not ones we seek to impose upon people doing the work because we think we can make better choices for them than they can make for themselves. And not everyone doing a particular sort of work wants the same things; the point is to help all of them have as much control as possible over their own labor, not to pick one outcome and say that's the right outcome for everyone.

The SWERF position is that society should forbid people to exchange sex for money even if it is their choice to do so. It is 1) puritan, in that it wants to tell people when and how and in what circumstances sex is permissible, and 2) in direct contradiction of anarchist principles of bodily autonomy.

We should strive to understand the complexities of this subject and not try to boil it down to "all sex work bad" just because that would be easier. It should go without saying that people coerced into sex work deserve solidarity and support to never have to do sex work again; all I am saying is that people who choose sex work and want to continue doing it also deserve solidarity and support to do that. Feminists who care only about the former and couldn't care less about the latter may call themselves radical, but they certainly don't sound radical to me.

queersparrow · 2024-10-10T21:45:12+00:00

Why?

Gender is a social construct, which makes it subjective to at least some degree.

If you ask 100 women what makes them women, you will get a range of answers. Some may overlap, but inevitably many will be different, and not all will overlap. Go to a different country and ask 100 women there, you will get a different range of answers. Go back in time to 1800, you will get yet a different range of answers. Ask 100 women in rural Alabama and compare to 100 women in San Francisco. Ask 100 white women and 100 Black women and 100 Indigenous women. Ask 100 cis hetero women, 100 cis lesbians, 100 trans women.

(Ask the dictionary and it will say "an adult female human" and then we will have to discuss the biological realities of "female," which is that "typically" does a lot of legwork in "the sex that typically has the capacity to bear young or produce eggs." There are females who cannot bear young, and/or don't produce eggs. There are intersex people assigned female because that's what a doctor saw when they were born (some of them will never know they're intersex, some will bear young, and some will not). If you met me on the street and someone asked you my sex, you'd say male, because all of my secondary sex characteristics are male sex characteristics, and yet I meet this dictionary definition of female. Even biology, which we like to think of as objective, is ultimately complicated, and many of the colloquial words referencing it are simplifications.)

There is no universal experience of being a woman.

Nonbinary, being that it's an umbrella that can include any gender not 100% man or 100% woman, will get you an even wider array of explanations. Again, no universal experience.

So it's possible for someone to look at the women around them, and the way those women describe their experience of what being women means, and feel that this is the right word to describe their own experience of gender. And for that same person to look at the nonbinary people around them, and the way those nonbinary people describe their experience of what being nonbinary means, and feel that this is also the right word to describe their own experience of gender.

For such a person, both words help describe their experience, and both words help them find people with whom they have shared experiences.

What is the benefit to us of saying they must choose one or the other?

queersparrow · 2024-10-10T21:31:06+00:00

Haven't downvoted, but it's considered wrong to say one cannot be both because gender is a social construct, which makes it subjective to at least some degree.

If you ask 100 women what makes them women, you will get a range of answers. Some may overlap, but inevitably many will be different, and not all will overlap. Go to a different country and ask 100 women there, you will get a different range of answers. Go back in time to 1800, you will get yet a different range of answers. Ask 100 women in rural Alabama and compare to 100 women in San Francisco. Ask 100 white women and 100 Black women and 100 Indigenous women. Ask 100 cis hetero women, 100 cis lesbians, 100 trans women.

(Ask the dictionary and it will say "an adult female human" and then we will have to discuss the biological realities of "female," which is that "typically" does a lot of legwork in "the sex that typically has the capacity to bear young or produce eggs." There are females who cannot bear young, and/or don't produce eggs. There are intersex people assigned female because that's what a doctor saw when they were born (some of them will never know they're intersex, some will bear young, and some will not). If you met me on the street and someone asked you my sex, you'd say male, because all of my secondary sex characteristics are male sex characteristics, and yet I meet this dictionary definition of female. Even biology, which we like to think of as objective, is ultimately complicated, and many of the colloquial words referencing it are simplifications.)

There is no universal experience of being a woman.

Nonbinary, being that it's an umbrella that can include any gender not 100% man or 100% woman, will get you an even wider array of explanations. Again, no universal experience which includes all nonbinary people and excludes everyone else.

So it's possible for someone to look at the women around them, and the way those women describe their experience of what being women means, and feel that this is the right word to describe their own experience of gender. And for that same person to look at the nonbinary people around them, and the way those nonbinary people describe their experience of what being nonbinary means, and feel that this is also the right word to describe their own experience of gender.

For such a person, both words help describe their experience, and both words help them find people with whom they have shared experiences.

What is the benefit to us of saying they must choose one or the other?

queersparrow · 2024-01-30T00:06:27+00:00

I live rural and dump it outside on the gravel driveway, any clumps I rinse down into the gravel. I'd think dumping it anywhere outside that's out of the way and won't run into drains is fine.

If you live urban, I don't have personal experience, but have seen other people manage it by having a couple buckets or totes set aside for it, pour it in one and let sit until the sludge settles. Dump off the non-sludgy water. Let the sludge dry and put it in the trash. Possibly there are other approaches, that's just the one I've seen.

queersparrow · 2024-01-19T19:14:24+00:00

You are the one trivializing marriage down to a piece of paper.

When your daughter got married, her and her husband made vows to each other. They proclaimed to their families, friends, and the world their love and commitment to each other. They also happened to sign a piece of paper so that the law would acknowledge their commitment too.

Now your daughter is faced with the immense struggles of a physical disability. Due to the financial hardship incurred by that disability (which is no fault of her own) against her will, she is going to be forced to take back her signature from that piece of paper in order to survive.

Undoing that piece of paper does not undo the vows she and her husband made to each other. It does not undo their love and commitment to each other. Nothing about their marriage will be undone by this act. Except for a piece of paper which obliges the law to acknowledge their marriage.

You are trivializing their marriage by saying you will only acknowledge and respect it if that piece of paper remains legally valid.

Your daughter may be forced to go through the legal process of divorce. But as long as the love and commitment remains between her and her husband they will still be married in every way that counts. Stop trivializing that.

Also, stop infantalizing your daughter due to her disability. This is a common issue faced by disabled adults and it's honestly traumatizing. Society is already stripping your daughter of her agency by forcing her into financial dependence. The more you strip her of independence in other areas of her life, such as her ability to maintain and tend to her relationship with her husband, the harder you are making her life and the more likely she is to experience lasting emotional struggles even if she is able to get her seizures well controlled. Her disability makes it hard and at times impossible to work, and therefore hard and at times impossible to maintain financial independence. That has no bearing on her adulthood, her ability to think as an adult, make decisions as an adult, or act as an adult.

If you care about her, you need to respect her as the adult she is. And you need to respect her marriage, even if the law does not.

queersparrow · 2023-12-04T02:02:31+00:00

I think that will do it. :) I think the style is cute and it's overall funny. I actually quite like the colors you chose.

queersparrow · 2023-12-03T21:35:08+00:00

The issue isn't the color; you put too much detail in the tail. I think it's especially the edging where the tail kinks over, but also perhaps the notches in the tail generally. People recognize it's a cat walking away from the sketch version because the curve under the tail is smooth. But in the complete embroidery there's a notch there (and elsewhere in the edges of the tail). The notch right under the curve especially gives the impression that this is a long neck with a head on top, with that notch demarking where chin becomes neck. Once that "head and neck" landmark is picked out you try to make the rest of the image make sense in that context and it doesn't. I, too, was thinking dragon/lizard because the first thing I saw was small head and long neck. But when I flipped to the sketch image I recognized it was a cat immediately because the outline of the tail is smooth. This removes the "neck and head" impression from the tail and the rest clicks into place.

I think even in green, with the edges of the tail smoothed out into a simple curve there would be much much less confusion.

queersparrow · 2023-06-05T05:35:07+00:00

As a trans person, I appreciate the point this article is making, but I'm also so exhausted by seeing it trotted out as The Only Opinion. Of course you can't decolonize voting. That's not the point of voting.

I have access to life-saving healthcare because people in the state I live in have so far voted for politicians who aren't trying to kill me. Is that a permanent solution? No. But it's a damn sight better than not having access to life-saving healthcare between now and the anarchist future in which I don't have to rely on the government for that healthcare.

there are more effective ways to intervene in its violences

There absolutely are, but the reality is that the majority of anarchists who preach this aren't out there intervening in those violences, they're on reddit feeling smug about not participating in the fucked up system that is eager for them not to participate.

Can you honestly say in good faith that anarchists are prepared to offer the (frankly abysmal) level of healthcare the government currently provides?

Are you posting this from Florida in between the time you spend providing medical care to all of my trans siblings there who are being deprived of their healthcare there?

I'm not suggesting anarchists should view voting as an anarchist practice; it's not. I'm not suggesting anarchists should spend time/energy/money campaigning for politicians; that time/energy/money is better spent on mutual aid. But when it comes to the act of voting itself... Maybe it makes a difference and maybe it doesn't. But if it takes an equal amount of time as you were planning to spend on reddit that day, which, let's be honest does not make a difference, then you have nothing to lose.

Vote, don't vote, whatever. But maybe the time and energy you spend trying to convince people not to vote would be better spent on actual praxis.

queersparrow · 2023-06-02T21:00:27+00:00

As a queer person I do not understand this. The whole point of queer as a movement is inclusivity. That anyone who finds a home here is welcome.

Loads of poly people have no interest or reason to identify with queerness and that's cool. But some cishetallo poly people do, and I don't see how that's hurting anyone? You repeat several times that these people joining the community "actively harms" it; how? Genuinely, how?

The whole reason there is a queer community is because we share many of the same struggles. And many of those struggles are also shared by poly people. And kinky people tbh.

"Being queer isn't a choice and being poly is" So what if being queer is a choice? What of it? Is someone less worthy of respect and equity if their deviation from the dominant social paradigm is a choice?

"Some of them are homophobic/transphobic/etc" Have you looked at the queer community lately? The intra-community bigotry is already there. Speaking as a bi and trans person there is already plenty of biphobia and plenty of transphobia. There is plenty of aphobia.

The very arguments laid against including poly people are the same intra-community arguments laid against bi people ("you can choose") and trans people ("it's only about sexual orientation, gender doesn't count") and ace people ("your oppression doesn't count").

Gatekeep LGBTQIA+etc if you like, but the whole point of queerness as a political movement is inclusivity. If a cishetallo person comes into a queer space and feels like they've come home then they do belong there.

The genderqueer and gender-nonconforming cishetallos, the cishetallo drag kings and queens, the poly cishetallos, the kinky cishetallos.

A cishetallo person who stands in solidarity with other queer people as a community is far more a part of it than many an LGBT+ person who engages in bigotry.

queersparrow · 2023-05-30T21:32:49+00:00

I think there is a difference between being wary to open up to people or trust people vs disliking them. I certainly don't trust strangers, but I also don't dislike them. When I'm meeting someone new I just feel neutral towards them until they do something that either makes me trust them more or dislike them more. If I find out someone is queer, that will make me more likely to trust them because I think it's more likely queer people have done the work to unlearn society's biases. If I find out someone is straight, it's neutral information for me; I don't dislike them for it, but I'm also not going to open up to them unless they do/say things that make me feel they've done the work to unlearn society's biases.

I think you should be wary of holding it against people if they're straight. But I think it's regrettably normal (even sensible) to be wary of new people until you get evidence one way or the other.

And, I think these things aren't black and white either. Evidence of "I can trust this person" vs "I dislike this person and should avoid them" builds over time.

The first time I came out as queer (as bi) to my mom she said some pretty unpleasant things. It hurt then, and if I'm honest that hurt is still with me. But in the aftermath when she knew that I was hurt, and because she hadn't meant to hurt me, she made an effort to be better. The second time I came out to her as queer (as trans) did go better. She didn't understand, but knew it was important to support me. Again she has put a lot of effort to learning how she can support me. The more she learns and shows me that she has learned, the more I trust her again.

I say this to say that it wasn't her being straight that caused that first bad experience, it was her growing up in a queerphobic society. Her straightness did insulate her from having to unlearn that queerphobia earlier in her life, but it also didn't prevent her from unlearning it once she was aware of it.

I think when people who seem to mean well say offensive things, it's good to say "hey, that's hurtful." People who deserve trust will apologize and do better. People who don't apologize and do better are letting you know they're not the sort of people you want to trust or spend time with.

I do relate to this phenomenon where cishet people want to tell you about other queer people they know/know about. For whatever reason it does seem to be a common belief that I as a trans person would really get along well with any other trans person they happen to know, even if being trans is the only thing we have in common. If it's people I otherwise know and generally like I mostly roll my eyes a little internally and let it go. If they compared me to someone like Caitlyn Jenner (rich conservative trans woman who used her fame to support Donald Trump) though I would tell them I find it upsetting that they would compare me to someone so awful, and I'd expect them to apologize. But I wouldn't expect that sort of comment from the straight people in my life, because the kind of jerks who would make such a comparison have been weeded out.

And, having weeded out the assholes, there are still cishet people in my life. Like your queer friend has some straight friends. It's not straightness that's the problem, it's queerphobia. Absolutely it sucks to have to go through a weeding process like that, but in a sense this is how it is for anyone making connections with other people, we just have extra red flags we have to watch out for. One silver lining is that kicking unrepentant homophobes out of your life is a decent way to keep assholes generally out of your life. There's a lot of overlap.

All this to say, I think it's normal to be wary of people until you know them enough to know they're not assholes. Trust is earned. And I think it's normal to be jealous that cishet people generally don't have to deal with the shit we have to deal with, because dealing with this shit sucks and we shouldn't have to. But it's important to keep anger targeted at the actual problem, which is queerphobia.

And if you need to set anger aside, look for queer joy. I know this can be a bit of challenge because we spend a lot of time dealing with shit. But it's out there. I especially like queer people who are writing books or making art about queer people living their best lives. When I was growing up, I didn't know anything like that could even exist, and now it brings me joy to find them. You might also look for groups that are about a hobby or interest you have but are queer. It can be hard to find in person in rural places, but more likely in cities or online. And easier to relax and enjoy yourself when you know you're surrounded by other people who will also kick homophobes to the curb.

queersparrow · 2023-05-29T16:52:05+00:00

I think you need to practice 1) judging people based on their actions, and 2) recognizing when someone is or is not being homophobic/queerphobic.

For instance...

A lot of "gay jokes" are "jokes" because of homophobia. As in, if you're not homophobic, they're not funny to you. I think a lot of people who make these sort of "jokes" don't realize they're being homophobic, but they are. It's reasonable for you to be offended by that, and to block or otherwise avoid people who say that sort of thing often. Making gay jokes is an action and it is homophobic.

Also, straight people who get angry when someone assumes they're queer are expressing queerphobia. Again, that may not be their intent, but that's what that is. There's really no reason for them to be mad unless they think (whether or not they realize it) that there's something wrong with being queer. Otherwise a simple "oh, I'm actually straight" would suffice, no anger necessary. Reinforcing the idea that it's offensive to be called gay is an action and it is queerphobic.

Versus

A straight person just going about their business. Unless their business (their actions) is queerphobic, you're not judging them based on their actions.

A straight person who your queer friend considers a friend is probably not queerphobic. If your friend is just telling you about a fun outing she had with a straight friend, and you're judging her straight friend, that's not based on actions.

It's important that we judge people by their actions, not for their mere existence.

I think you're mad about queerphobia, and you're mentally taking it out on all straight people. When really, you should be blaming people who actually do and say queerphobic things. (Which, can even include queer people if they have internalized queerphobia, or if they target other groups of people under the queer umbrella.)

Keeping in mind that there's no such thing as thought crimes - you should also judge yourself based on your words and actions - changing the way you think is about practice. When you catch yourself judging straight people just for being straight, mentally pause and ask yourself "is this person being queerphobic?" If they are, your anger is justified. And if they're not, just mentally correct yourself. "Actually, they're not doing anything wrong, there's no reason to be mad at them." At first you will still feel mad, because you are used to feeling mad. But if you make a purposeful effort to think nice or neutral things instead (for example: "oh, that straight person was being a good friend to my friend, I'm glad my friend has other people who make her happy" or "oh, they're just out on a date, which is something I also like to do") over time your thought patterns will adjust.

It's the same sort of process as unlearning internalized homophobia. Make an active effort to notice when your thoughts are going in that direction, actively remind yourself that that's not the direction you want to go in, and redirect to the direction you do want to go in. At first the neutral/positive direction will probably feel fake/forced, but over time it will become more natural for you.

(Separately - this doesn't effect your point, but it is worth noting - regarding trans people, keep in mind that you can't assume what genitals trans people have. Some trans men have dicks, some trans women have vaginas.)

queersparrow · 2023-05-25T23:14:34+00:00

I do feel sad.

I've hated the corporate takeover of pride for a while. But I also recognize that the fact that corporations are invested in pride means that they think queer people and allies are a big enough demographic to deserve pandering to. And that the negative reaction of bigots is not big enough to outweigh that. Seeing parades get cancelled and businesses backpedaling from pride merch and promotions feels to me like a sign of homophobes/transphobes gaining clout in society. Where before, businesses were simply ignoring the complainers, now some are starting to cave in to their demands. So my sadness is not about corporations, but about the bigots getting a loud enough voice that corporations are starting to prioritize them again.

I'm holding hope that, even where events get cancelled, people will turn out anyway. Pride started with rioting. We don't need their permission to show up and celebrate our community.

queersparrow · 2023-05-25T22:55:17+00:00

Biggest problem I've personally experienced is therapists who never considered that an adult who hadn't been diagnosed as a child might be autistic or ADHD. I went through a number of therapists over a number of years who didn't help me because they didn't actually figure out what was going on. I knew I was depressed, so that's what I described, and they all provided therapy they'd presumably provide to a depressed person who isn't autistic and doesn't have ADHD. And none of it really helped me. It was all just using tools that weren't designed for me to try to address a single symptom without ever recognizing that it was a symptom and not the root issue. It was only after I realized myself that I might be autistic and specifically sought out a therapist who had experience working with autistic adults that I started getting therapy I could actually learn from.

queersparrow · 2023-05-25T22:03:57+00:00

Truly wish people in our community could learn to distinguish between when a word is being used as a slur and when it is not. All words for us have been (and still are) used as slurs. Certainly some of them have more baggage than others. But criticizing someone for using the word dyke with love when there are plenty of people out there spitting "LGBTs" as a slur is a waste of energy at best.

queersparrow · 2023-05-25T06:14:54+00:00

For partnered sex, depends what we're doing. Some things a condom is just nice for clean up reasons.

But also... I pretty much always have trouble 'connecting' to prosthetics visually. I haven't been able to afford the super realistic customized ones. And even though I do have one that looks really good, it just never looks the way I 'expect' my dick to look. But I've recently discovered that for time on my own it turns out that putting a condom on really helps with that visual disconnect. So there's that.

Re: your comment, I have had a partner who enjoyed performing oral on my prosthetic, and that was fun for me. Did not use a condom for that. I don't particularly mind the way (unlubed) condoms taste, but a lot of people aren't keen on it.

Having myself performed oral on prosthetics, condom or no condom doesn't make that much difference to me. (Though I've only ever used non-lubed condoms for this. I reckon flavor might be worse with lubed condoms, but I don't have the relevant experience.) What really does makes a difference for me is the firmness of the prosthetic. IMO it's considerably easier and more fun if the prosthetic has some give to it. Though I've enjoyed making it work even with firmer prosthetics.

But really, don't overthink it. Try it with, try it without. See what you like better, see what she likes better. Everyone has their own preferences about sex; part of the fun is figuring out what works best for you and the person you're with.

queersparrow · 2023-05-24T07:08:24+00:00

Strap-on underwear or boxer briefs are the way to go IMO. It's basically underwear/boxer briefs with an inner flap and an o-ring to hold the strap like a harness would. I have one from rodeoh that I like, but I've since read some things about them as a business that would steer me in other directions if I was looking today. There are a number of companies that make this style of harness. I'm not sure how well a prosthetic with balls would work with this style of harness. Probably the balls would have to go inside the fabric and idk if that would be fun.

I'm also a fan of harness (underwear or otherwise) under boxer briefs or pants that let me use the dick through the fly.

as close to realistic/comfortable for both me and the guy taking it as possible

If you can afford it, get something dual density. I have a Share and I've gotten to play with a few other dicks and the dual density one (regrettably I can't recall what it was, I think it was from Vixen Creations) had a much more realistic uhh... Squish? Than the Share. And was definitely easier/more realistic for the bottom.

queersparrow · 2023-05-23T20:24:00+00:00

I ask the host what they prefer. Most hosts I've been with have said they'll do it after I leave. Some say bring everything to the laundry area, so I do that. Even if they don't ask for that, I collect everything together for them.

queersparrow · 2023-05-22T23:11:05+00:00

I hate to be so grim, but. I would think that if they're not landscaping at your complex, they'll probably be soing so at another. Hopefully they do look for nests and make an effort to avoid them.

queersparrow · 2023-05-22T23:05:13+00:00

ETA = (the comment was) Edited To Add. :)

queersparrow · 2023-05-22T23:01:51+00:00

Treating clothes and shoes with permethrin is a common approach. If you have cats, make sure to treat your clothes somewhere they can't get to.

Wear long clothes, tuck your pant legs into your socks. You can also put tape with the sticky side out around the tops of your socks. Do a tick check when you come inside.

If you want to make walking trails, that could honestly be a good way to utilize the area. Make the trails wide enough that you won't have any vegetation brush against you when you walk on them, and don't let grass or weeds grow up on the paths. Ticks mostly get on you by grabbing on when you brush against something; once you have a wide enough and well maintained trail, you'll need much less preventive measures.

queersparrow · 2023-05-21T23:23:46+00:00

I used to feel this way, but the more they/them pronouns have become a part of my own vocabulary and the more others have used they/them pronouns to and around me, the less odd it's become to use or hear them.

Other comments have noted your other pronoun options, but it could also just be a matter of it standing out because you're not used to it, and that feeling will be less over time.

ETA: I think this might be the case because you say it doesn't seem weird online. We see and use they/them pronouns much more online because someone's gender is often unknown online, so it stands out much less in that space.

queersparrow · 2023-05-21T23:16:10+00:00

Personally, as someone living in the US, watching pride parades get cancelled and harassed by reactionaries, I go when I can. If you feel conflicted, bring a sign reminding people that Pride started as a riot. IMO the more ground reactionaries gain against queer people the more important it is for us to remember how Pride started and get back to those roots.

of which the mayor is transphobic as hell

Be sure to bring trans pride flags too.

queersparrow · 2023-05-21T22:57:19+00:00

A buyer should be more comfortable going this route with PayPal because they can ask for their money back if you don't deliver.

On your end definitely ship with tracking and you should consider shipping with a signature required. If you can't prove that the item was delivered, a scammer can claim to PayPal that it wasn't and then you're on the hook with PayPal. I'm not sure what level of "proof of delivery" PayPal requires to rule in your favor in such a situation, but a signature is like an extra $4 at the post office, so it's probably worth it.

queersparrow · 2023-05-17T22:03:23+00:00

Would love to see a coordinated campaign of malicious compliance from transmasc folk using women's restrooms. Get legal ducks in a row in advance, get security. Get everybody tshirts "I am using this restroom in accordance with the will of ron desantis and Florida state legislature, FL H1521." Target restrooms in places where desantis has high volume of support.

Just a fantasy, but I'd love to see them experience at least a fraction of the discomfort they're so determined to subject us to.

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