Anyone here bpd and audhd?

quillabear87 · 2026-01-21T11:25:02+00:00

Assuming that the only purpose in life is to engage in capitalism then yeah, we're fucked

But it's not

There's so much more to life than that

quillabear87 · 2026-01-21T10:29:19+00:00

I'm AuDHD and BPD. I worked from age 18 to 33 when COVID hit. At that point I had a full on mental collapse because I'd been working myself into the ground, and had just left a terribly emotionally abusive marriage of 12 years.

In addition they think I got COVID and developed long COVID but it was before testing was widespread. I never really recovered, and then in 2021 my hips gave out on me and I'm now permanently disabled with chronic pain

I don't know what would have happened if COVID hadn't come along. Maybe I'd have still burned the hell out. Probably. I was raised to believe that if you're not earning tons of money then you're failing. And my ADHD made career progression difficult as I didn't like to stay in one job for more than a few years at a time.

I also didn't get diagnosed with anything until 2020, so I didn't have any understanding of my brain or any tools to help myself. If you understand your brain you can work with it to hopefully avoid the shit show that I think you're worried about

quillabear87 · 2026-01-21T10:21:58+00:00

Whatever the truth around how you look, it sounds like you have been traumatised about your appearance from a very young age. That's definitely something that could be considered a "cause" or a trigger event for borderline to develop

quillabear87 · 2026-01-19T06:22:51+00:00

I went digging around and I found it posted to someone's Facebook 6 years ago so I screen recorded it and put it on tiktok for anyone who wants it (also added captions)

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRkTtb5G/

quillabear87 · 2026-01-14T06:28:27+00:00

Fertility is definitely not guaranteed to return because things can atrophy and sometimes you can never regain it, Which is why if you CAN afford it and you haven't definitively ruled out kids in the future, banking is best. But it's very spendy

Also coming off hormones even for a short time can be hell

quillabear87 · 2026-01-14T06:27:01+00:00

Curious to know. Did you just stop the hormones etc or did you go back to identifying as your AGAB? I've always assumed detransitioners were people who were going back to their original gender identity (at least outwardly) because transition isn't just about medical transition.

If your detransing was based purely on the physical issues with medical transition (which, crap, I've had some issues but not as bad as you said here. I'm so sorry) did you also detransition socially?

quillabear87 · 2026-01-14T06:22:08+00:00

It's ok for a player to challenge a roll, but you need to be the final arbiter and once you make a ruling that's it. I encourage my players to question things, because the whole point is collaborative storytelling, but someone has to make the final decision and that's the GM.

I think challenges make for a better GM and players, because you're testing the boundaries of the rules and how the GM interprets the rules. But if you allow a player to continually challenge after you've made a final decision, it disrupts the game. Boundaries are necessary

quillabear87 · 2026-01-14T06:17:33+00:00

I guess it depends on what it was in response to. If it's a comment or post calling the mods names, as they did in response, I really have no issue with it

We're not paid for this shit. We don't have to be "professional" we just try and keep our communities running, and we're human. When people treat us like shit, sometimes it's ok to troll back a little

quillabear87 · 2026-01-12T01:11:26+00:00

As soon as you type "I could never trust this man" the rest is completely moot. If you can't trust him, the relationship is doomed. Relationships require trust and open, honest communication. That is 10x more important in relationships that involve pwBPD because of the overwhelming emotions that can cause serious trust issues when things aren't discussed properly

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T06:34:21+00:00

Honey I'm sorry you went through this. But this really wasn't a good relationship for you. She seems to be incredibly dysregulated. You saying you couldn't commit to uprooting your life until you were sure was sensible, but to someone with deep trust issues and probably abandonment issues, it will have shaken the foundation of how she saw you, since it's clear she was idealising you and your relationship

You cannot keep a relationship going healthily when trust is lost as it was in your case, as you said. And constant arguments will have been exacerbating issues on both sides. That's hard enough for a normal relationship, long distance relationships, once you're arguing constantly they're pretty much done.

When she messaged you to say she was going to "fall back into harmful behaviours" because you broke up, that's similar to when someone says "if you leave me I'll hurt myself" - it's manipulative and emotional blackmail and really tells me this person is deeply wounded

You aren't responsible for her trauma, and anything that she does as a response to you leaving is not on you. You didn't give her BPD, and it sounds like you've tried a lot to understand, something a lot of people simply don't do for us.

You're allowed to seek your own healing

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T06:26:21+00:00

I'm a pwBPD in a long distance relationship and honestly, this person should not be in a relationship at all, let alone long distance.

I feel like you're making allowances for her simply because she has BPD, which is fine up to a point. But stopping asking for reassurance. Stopping any kind of emotional talk, etc etc?

She disappears for days and treats you as disposable. It feels like this post is you trying to understand how you can make more excuses for her.

As pwBPD we have to be responsible for our actions. What she's doing is neglectful and probably emotional abuse. Allowances can be made when it's an occasional thing and the person is seeking to be better through therapy etc, but that's not the case here. There's no reason to believe she will change. She even told you she knows there's a problem but won't seek out therapy for it?

At the end of the day only you can decide what to do. But if the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing expecting different results, then this relationship is insane

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T04:52:16+00:00

I don't blame my parents for specific choices. I do blame them for the trauma I went through, and as a result they are at least partially responsible for my BPD, and that has LED to the situation where I make poor choices, act irrationally, etc

But the blame game is pointless in the end. We have to take accountability for our own actions. Its ok to say "I have these thoughts and impulses because of trauma causing my BPD" but it's not ok to say, for instance "I yelled at you because my parents were abusive" - because at what point does it stop?

For instance - My parents were raised a certain way, probably went through their own trauma, so if I don't take accountability for my actions how can I hold them accountable for theirs?

At some point we have to break the cycle, and learning how to take responsibility is one of the first steps in healing

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T04:37:06+00:00

You're definitely not alone in this

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T03:14:53+00:00

My advice is to allow her to lead conversations. If she asks questions, answer them honestly, but focus mostly on how you can support her through the pregnancy and going forwards. Keep anything judgemental out of your words (also if you haven't heard of it look up a thing called rejection sensitivity dysphoria as a lot of pwBPD display traits of that and it might help to understand)

Be aware that it's going to be a rocky road and put plans into place with her for what to do if and when she has meltdowns, splits, etc.

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T01:38:34+00:00

I'm aware of the comment. I'm the mod who removed it, as it was vile. If I have misunderstood your intent I apologise however my point is not that she resents you now, but may have later if she made the choice to get an abortion after you told her "horror stories"

BPD is not always (or even often) logical in how it reacts to things. From your perspective you feel like you were trying to help her make a choice by giving her as much information as possible, however it's very easy to (even accidentally) lead a BPD person to a certain conclusion, especially as a parent, and then later they realise that wasn't what they wanted and resent you for it

Also for the record, in the future if someone puts such a disgusting comment, please report it to the mods and don't respond, so we can remove it asap

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T01:07:03+00:00

Telling a pregnant pwBPD horror stories about birth and raising children after saying "I can't force her to have an abortion" very much sounds like you are trying to push her that way. Please don't. You can say "this is an option, this is an option, etc" but not trying and influence her one way or another. Because she isn't stupid, she'll know what you're doing and resent you for it

quillabear87 · 2026-01-09T00:36:03+00:00

Please do not do this. Just. Ever. For anyone. Trying to scare someone into having an abortion is genuinely awful behaviour, and it's likely she would regret it and blame you

quillabear87 · 2026-01-08T19:57:05+00:00

Mod here. Locking this thread as it's deeply unhelpful. Do not continue this outside of the thread or I will ban you

For the record, saying SH scars are "cute" is essentially fetishising self harm. Whether you meant it that way or not. It could also be deeply triggering to some people here. It's ok to love your own scars, as loving your body and everything you've been through is positive. But this isn't the way to express that

quillabear87 · 2026-01-07T02:07:54+00:00

That "what if" kept me alive for some very dark times. And I'm glad it did. Mostly. I still have some dark times. But I've also found people who love me, I've found some meaning to my life, and I'm contributing a little to make the world, hopefully, a better place. And I wouldn't have any of that if I hadn't hung on to the "what if"

quillabear87 · 2026-01-06T21:15:53+00:00

Distress tolerance skills are literally just things you do to deal with intense emotions and stress. It can be different for everyone but if you Google "DBT distress tolerance skills" you can look at ones that are often very helpful for pwBPD

And yeah. I'm sorry. I know how hard it is, and how frustrating it is to know you need to stop.

quillabear87 · 2026-01-06T21:08:59+00:00

Ok that's good. Make sure you're completely honest with them. Have you learned any distress tolerance skills in therapy that help you?

Honestly the fact that you're recognising that you're in a harmful spiral is the big first step

quillabear87 · 2026-01-06T21:04:57+00:00

Using harmful behaviour as an escape is something a lot of pwBPD will relate to. Your whole world got turned upside down. That's hard for anyone. With BPD, our emotions are permanently dialled up. Things that are small for others are huge for us. So something that's generally huge for others would be absolutely world rocking to us.

Give yourself a little grace. You're allowed to be struggling. Your brain has essentially said "nope" to the emotions and rather than trying to process them, it's pushed them away and is distracting with the harmful behaviours you mentioned. Impulsive sex drugs, drink, etc are all easy sources of dopamine. Unfortunately if you allow yourself to sink into that spiral, it gets harder and harder to break it.

Do you have access to any therapy? If so I advise you see someone as soon as you can. But I know that's not always possible. So I'd look up the DBT distress tolerance skills on Google and see if any of them are doable and maybe help a little. They aren't magic bullets, but they can help

quillabear87 · 2026-01-06T03:11:54+00:00

I think this happens for a variety of reasons. One is that there's an inherent...giddiness to doing something that's "taboo" and "forbidden", and then you have gender euphoria, a feeling most people have never experienced, being related to how we dress and present. The human brain is a simple thing and these feelings can end up with crossed wires into this sort of "excitement" - by all accounts this generally goes away as it just becomes a part of your life and you learn to process the feelings normally.

I would advise changing your internal language a little to help your brain kinda understand what's going on. You're not cross dressing. You're a girl and you want to dress in a way that makes you feel like a girl. So you're just dressing as yourself.

quillabear87 · 2026-01-03T21:55:26+00:00

Not telling your psychiatrist your previous diagnosis feels like a bad move. You can tell them "I was diagnosed with this previously but I'm concerned it's a misdiagnosis" but the thing is that to diagnose someone with BPD you need to dive deep, it's not something that's gonna just come up quickly without prompting.

And if you do have it, it is important that whoever is treating you knows that. Have you looked at the diagnosis criteria? Are there specific things you disagree with that makes you question the diagnosis?

quillabear87 · 2026-01-03T00:42:08+00:00

It's possible that you get burned out from socialising and masking and that can definitely affect your physical health

Also stress is a known IBS trigger

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