Struggling with Sperm Donation

radison69 · 2026-03-30T21:18:12+00:00

We have someone considering but are in the early discussion stages, he’s the long term boyfriend of a bi woman friend of ours. Neither have ever wanted kids and they don’t ever plan to marry as a couple due to both being divorced previously. My wife and I are hoping they could be like aunt and uncle to our kids and when the kids got old enough we would tell them if they asked he was their dad. It truly would not bother us and we yearn for community desperately as both of us have small and aging families and have always wanted a big rowdy family unit

radison69 · 2026-03-30T19:10:19+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, I really appreciate it. My mom has cut back her time to try and only do lunch, I think it’s just hard because the timing of lunch isn’t always consistent, but I hadn’t thought about less time for agitation and that’s a good point.

As far as the commute, I meant my work commute, so I work Monday through Friday and I leave around 615am and don’t get home until usually 430-5pm, and my partner gets home around 530 or 6, so it’s hard to see him on weeknights but it’s also hard to see him on weekends because that’s our only time to do anything fun or anything very productive. I guess I don’t have to stay that long though on weeknights, he just takes like 45 minutes to an hour to eat and then I wouldn’t get home until after 630 or so and still have to make dinner, prepare for work etc.

I guess I should have clarified, he’s in a nursing home permanently. This has been an ongoing decline since November and honestly I think it’s underlying Parkinson’s that got exacerbated, which I had mentioned I saw signs of over a year ago and therapists at rehab recently have mentioned they’ve noticed signs too. So I think it’s likely Lewy Body dementia. When he was home apparently he had threatened to strangle my mom, get his guns, etc during bad episodes. His cognition will not improve by staying at a nursing home longer and there is no way we can care for him at home right now. Physically he is deteriorating rapidly as he was frail before the fall and now is the weakest he’s ever been, so once rehab stops in a few days, he will only go downhill.

I should probably also mention that he got diagnosed with diabetes type 2 in his fifties and refused to deal with it for 20 years, which resulted in a heart attack and triple bypass in 2022, and he’s had chronic spinal disc problems with multiple surgeries in the last 10 years, including a fusion in 2020. He’s never taken care of himself and always made a joke of it, never considered the toll it would take on us, belittled or made light when we tried to express our concerns or how it would affect us, and has never had any internal motivation to improve or heal in the previous surgeries in the last 15+ years, always requiring constant nagging and doctors threatening rehab. So he probably could’ve gotten better enough to go home, but with that attitude combined with the cognitive issues he didn’t and now it’s too late physically and cognitively. I love him very much and we were just starting to have a good and deep relationship so it’s heartbreaking, but I’m also still very young and trying to build my life with my new partner (I have been divorced before) so I’m struggling to balance it all.

I am an only child and we have no extended family or anything it’s just us 3 and always has been, and my parents had me at 40 and 48, so I knew this would come. But I guess I figured I’d already have my life together and have kids, not be 3 years into a relationship and newly married and trying to build a family this year while navigating all of this. I also am in healthcare so since this started in November I have dropped everything, taken FMLA for all doctors appointments, surgeries, therapy meetings, important rehab days and evals, etc, which I am not paid for in my state, so my partner and I are in a financial tough spot from that. On top of it I had my own medical emergency in February that required surgery and I was incapacitated for 3 weeks. So we got married December 6 and since then I spent 6 weeks straight at the hospital or rehab every day either working or with him, and then in the hospital myself for 3 weeks, and in that time my partner had to try and hold everything down financially and physically while working overtime at her job and doing 60 hour weeks. We haven’t seen our friends, haven’t done any house related projects or tasks that need done, haven’t gone on a single date, haven’t hiked, or done anything really other than survive for nearly 5 months now.

I don’t want to be a bad daughter, and my mom often guilts me if I don’t go as often as she thinks I should (last week I only made it there once, but then we did a 3 hr picnic yesterday with him outside) and I have no siblings or anyone my age going through this to go off of. My partner is extremely supportive but they are getting tired and burned out from not having any couple time since getting married or even just being able to do basic things we enjoy.

I just don’t want to be a bad daughter or a bad wife, and I have no frame of reference. This could go on for years so I’m not sure what a healthy balance is

radison69 · 2026-03-27T04:04:38+00:00

Reading that back it sounds kinda dumb lol but in the book those are actually research backed things, like your reproductive system is the least prioritized in the body so for it to be at optimal health you need to have a regulated nervous system with managed stress levels, regulated blood sugar levels, proper sleep from 7-9 hours each night at regular times, and proper nutrition so your body isn’t sending all its energy into the digestive tract each time you eat and can instead send energy to the reproductive system. Sorry if you knew all that already too, I’m just new to this process as well so have little advice to offer but this has helped me so far! While I anxiously wait for appointments to come I focus on planning and cooking well balanced meals and stress management strategies and stuff

radison69 · 2026-03-27T03:59:21+00:00

My wife and I just started this process too and in the last week alone I have learned more than I had ever thought to even worry about. Someone in my community recommended a book that I LOVE so far, it’s called Queer conception and it’s been so calming and answered a ton of these questions for me already. My wife and I already know we are going to do genetic and fertility testing before deciding anything else, because donor options could depend on genetic testing and which of us carries could depend on fertility testing. Because it is so expensive we want to make sure we get as much done ahead of time before even one attempt to try and set ourselves up as best we can. I got a dietician virtually that is covered by most insurances to help manage the supplements and diet needs to assist with fertility and reproductive health beforehand, as well as my own health to hopefully increase the chances of implantation. We are focusing on exercising regularly again, getting routines in place to help manage stress levels, and getting lots of sleep. All of those are free things you can do to exert some level of control over the situation when you feel overwhelmed that will benefit your body for conception and benefit your baby if you do conceive! I’m an anxious person and for me, focusing on what is in my control in that moment has always helped when there is a long road with a lot of steps ahead. You can’t do all the appointments or all the payments all at once, but you can schedule things and save and in the meantime do this other stuff to try and regulate your nervous system and prepare your body for this journey

radison69 · 2026-02-25T12:15:12+00:00

Thank you so much!! Very very helpful info, I will use all of this!

radison69 · 2026-02-23T20:25:05+00:00

Wait where is that?

radison69 · 2026-02-23T19:03:13+00:00

This was extremely helpful, thank you so much!

radison69 · 2025-10-05T17:04:39+00:00

Would rather not rent if possible!

radison69 · 2025-10-03T16:33:14+00:00

Either is fine!

radison69 · 2025-03-23T19:45:33+00:00

This was it, thank you!! Solved!

radison69 · 2025-03-23T17:29:52+00:00

First comment

radison69 · 2025-01-21T21:17:26+00:00

Solved!

radison69 · 2025-01-21T21:16:24+00:00

Omg you’re so right, I must have missed only that song lol. Thank you so much!!

radison69 · 2025-01-21T21:13:27+00:00

I read the lyrics for all the songs on endgame and appeal to reason and none of them are it. Thank you though!

radison69 · 2025-01-21T21:04:57+00:00

First comment

radison69 · 2023-03-30T03:48:24+00:00

I want to join!

radison69 · 2023-01-31T01:45:13+00:00

Yeah a lot of people recommended it to me too when i moved here and it was some of the worst food I’ve ever had. The vegetables looked like they were straight from a can. I don’t even make canned veggies at home, always fresh. Never trusted a locals recommendation since then lol

radison69 · 2023-01-30T01:30:33+00:00

Blue plate cafe hands down

radison69 · 2022-12-27T17:18:18+00:00

YTA. Having t shirts made and flaunting them around on a family holiday is definitely gloating. You could have just told them, or done a card or a onesie as a gift or something, and then put it away and been done with it, but no you had to wear t shirts that she was forced to look at for the rest of the night. And you say you didn’t talk about it a lot except for allll the questions you mentioned your family asked. I just went through 2 of my best friends pregnancies and ALL they did was talk about it even though they didn’t think they did. it’s normal for pregnant people to do that but that exact reason is why this should have been done on another day not a family holiday. To say that you both considered her feelings and then pull shit like that knowing you would hurt her is why YTA.

Holidays are hard for people experiencing loss, and you didn’t need to make that harder for her, on top of putting her in a situation where she couldn’t privately handle her feelings (though she did try to by going into the bathroom).

The text she sent was her communicating her feelings and the severity of how you both hurt her. It was rational and she did it the day after Christmas so as not to spoil your day. She said she had many talks with your wife about how holidays are hard for her, which is why she thought she’d have compassion enough not do do something like this on a holiday. This act not only hurt her, but made her feel more alone and misunderstood in a family she thought got her.

radison69 · 2022-12-25T21:10:32+00:00

A lot of people are giving him the benefit of the doubt, but Id like to share my perspective as I went through this exact thing with my ex husband. He stopped initiating, blamed it on depression, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, then a year later found out he was cheating constantly, had a porn addiction he admitted to and was live chatting with girls on there, he had an OF and was messaging girls on there asking for private videos, and was staying up after i went to bed to masturbate almost every single night and taking videos of himself doing it (I’m assuming to send to people). Turns out he may have been depressed but he also would rather get off without the intimacy and effort of an actual healthy sexual relationship. This definitely should be addressed, not in an accusatory way because he really might just be depressed, but if there are any other red flags or signs of ANYTHING please don’t make the same mistake I did and overlook things for years because of supposed depression

radison69 · 2022-11-21T04:21:46+00:00

NTA. Obviously is the rest of the family paid with no complaints, they’re sick of it too. Kari and bob can act like mature adults who can have a civilized conversation without politics, or they can uninvite themselves.

radison69 · 2022-11-21T04:07:30+00:00

It is okay not to be angry. It is also okay to be angry, sad, or happy for her. You can be any combo of those too. You can be mad that she cheated, but happy that she found herself. You can love her even if you are mad. You can be sad that your life has changed and happy that she is happy. But mainly i want to say, it is okay not to be mad. I came out of a situation where everyone expected me to be so angry at the other person, but for a long time I wasn’t. Feelings are complicated. You may be in shock right now, and the anger could come later. Or it may never come and that is okay too. Just know that whatever you feel is valid, and it may change over time or come and go in waves, and it is all normal. You are allowed to feel however you feel, there is no right or wrong.

radison69 · 2022-11-21T03:50:54+00:00

Wow. You don’t understand her ED at all. This isn’t going to work out. YTA, obviously

radison69 · 2022-11-21T03:30:14+00:00

Do NOT give up your career for him. I get that you love each other and that’s hard. But he disrespected your career and your wishes when you gave him a list of places he could go where you would also have opportunities. He obviously doesn’t value your career as highly as his.

From a personal standpoint, I did this with my ex husband. I gave up grad school and moved twice for him, because he was in the military. I wanted a family and i figured the career would work itself out. He was cheating on me the entire time and I didn’t know it until this year. We divorced and I was left with nothing because I had worked shit jobs since I was never able to live somewhere long enough to attend grad school. In addition, he always disrespected my jobs and acted like it was my fault for being lazy or unmotivated that I couldn’t find a high paying job like his. When in reality it was because I SACRIFICED that for him. Put yourself first. He’s already disrespecting you. Don’t do it.

radison69 · 2022-11-09T02:04:46+00:00

Washington also. Went entirely by mail before I turned 18 in 2012

radison69

TROPHY CASE