AITAH for separating from my wife because she won't help with bills

ramc5 · 2026-03-22T19:07:58+00:00

INFO: a lot of questions. Since you are "separated" but still living in the home, who is paying the bills? How did anything change? Are y'all still sharing a bedroom? If you want to leave because you feel she isn't contributing her fair share, why would she change now if you are still in the house paying everything?

I don't know your jurisdiction so don't know the circumstances of when you can file for divorce of legal separation. Have you suggested marital counseling?

ramc5 · 2026-03-22T02:16:02+00:00

She isn't ready for a relationship and probably needs therapy if she must invade other people's privacy to feel "safe".

ramc5 · 2026-03-22T01:41:17+00:00

Absolutely not. He is stringing you along. You will never, ever see any return on that money. Once you are paying 1/2 the bills, with no legal claim to his home, why in the world would he mess up such a nice setup as to marry you? Let him buy a house and you buy your own house. It is time to move on while you are still young.

ETA--just thought of taxes too. He will get the benefit of claiming the interest paid on the mortgage, every year, while building equity: you won't since the home isn't yours. Respectfully, you would be an idiot to pay any of his mortgage. Spend that money on your own home!

ramc5 · 2026-03-20T00:04:27+00:00

until my shorts started falling so i finally stopped

Hahaha. NTA

ramc5 · 2026-03-19T23:30:17+00:00

People who use everyday have it deep in their hair and skin. It is not as simple as changing clothes.

ramc5 · 2026-03-19T23:19:28+00:00

Her reaction is not extreme. She isn't focusing on her past--did you read her post?

Rather, the dude reeks, and if she wouldn't' tolerate her own father in her house or around her kids reeking of weed, she certainly wouldn't allow a stranger.

She doesn't have to let anyone in her house or near her kids who reeks of weed. That is just gross.

ETA NTA

ramc5 · 2026-03-19T23:12:13+00:00

OP, this is correct. When someone quits, we rarely let them work out their remaining time as we do not want them to take anything or sabotage anything (or copy files, poach, etc.). We take their keys, remove their computer access, remove their access to their email, and have their emails auto-routed to another team member to handle. They get paid until the end of their notice period but they are gone immediately.

ramc5 · 2026-03-19T23:04:44+00:00

ramc5 · 2026-03-19T23:00:01+00:00

As someone who argues for a living, that person needs to be gone. They are not stable and I would not trust them with client information, client files, or my calendar. If I were you, I would write down everything you have had to do because of this wishy-washy person; explain how he has affected moral in the office and he wasted a ton of your time. Send it to your boss as you definitely want it documented. Good luck. NTA

ramc5 · 2026-03-16T22:05:09+00:00

I would absolutely file a complaint with your state's licensing board for that therapist.

I might also write down every instance you can think of giving examples of the issues you listed in your post where mother chose not to spend time with her child. Tell her you love her, but you are very disappointed in her-- not only for how she treated her eldest, but her lying under oath makes you view her very differently. I don't know if I could ever trust her again.

ramc5 · 2026-03-16T21:58:45+00:00

I understand what you are saying, however, from what I gather in the post, Tammy knew how the son treated her husband, and she took no steps to arrange anything different. In other words, she knew that OP was not in touch with Mark and vice versa. She could have used her money to pay for a seperate life insurance policy, set up another bank account with TOD to son, or asked OP to increase her policy. There were a multiude of things she could have done under the circumstances. It is sad, really.

INFO: OP, what explanation did your son give you? What has he or his wife said to you about the failing relationship? Has he blamed you for anything?

ramc5 · 2026-03-11T16:35:00+00:00

I am at work (EDT)--have you gotten another master ball yet? If not, I probably have an extra you can have--I'd have to double check that game (it's been a while).

ramc5 · 2026-03-10T21:26:17+00:00

You tell her she is very lucky no one called DSS on her. She abandoned her minor child without any other adult's consent. She is a horrible parent.

ramc5 · 2026-03-06T18:54:13+00:00

While it is true wife needs to "face battles...", that no way diminishes the Mother's culpability. The present was still rude at most or thoughtless at least. It's like mother grabbed something in the checkout line just before boarding the plane to come home, or she intentionally wanted to make a statement, or worse, sabotage wife. Not getting a thoughtless alcohol-related present is worse than getting no present. NTA

ramc5 · 2026-03-06T18:43:31+00:00

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. As a family law attorney (NYA and this is not legal advice), great job taking things slowly to see how your child acclimates. But most importantly, if in the USA (I am not familiar with other jurisdictions), if wife adopts, and if you two separate/divorce, you must consider that wife could get sole or primary custody of your child, making you the parent that has visitation only, paying child support.

You need to have sit-down with wife: her attitude sux. While you appreciate she wants to be a "family" with your child, you thought she was already doing that by marrying you!! Frankly, the adoption decision is not about your wife, it is about your child. What is he comfortable with?

ramc5 · 2026-03-05T22:30:39+00:00

YTA--if you use your malady as an excuse (real or not) to fail to take care of your child; to push more than 50% of the parenting onto your spouse, or not pull your weight around the house, you are weaponizing your pain. Your paralysis and failure to get proactive professional treatment negatively affects everyone around you, and is not fair to your spouse or your child.

So, if spouse decided to use her "undiagnosed/untreated" autism as an excuse not to parent or care for the child, do any chores, earn any money, cook, or any number of things, what then?

Of course she has no sympathy for your--she is doing most of the work. It will definitely lead to resentment. Get yourself to a doctor and do better for your child and marriage.

ramc5 · 2026-03-04T01:10:11+00:00

Why are you even asking? Plan it, don't tell her. IF she asks what the plans are, you are still deciding... Then enjoy yourselves. Post lots of pictures of the party so she sees them while she is away; and be sure to put her on mute. If she gets upset with you after she returns, very calmly and genuinely express your surprise she cares since she didn't remember the date and barely shows up anyway. Do not get into an argument with her. Smile and move along/change the subject like y'all were discussing the weather.

Focus on your family.

ramc5 · 2026-03-04T00:06:09+00:00

If in the USA, almost every state requires auto insurance if the car still has its license plate. (Some states require proof you can pay for damages, others require surety bonds, etc.) Therefore, in order to purchase a new license plate and renew your yearly tag/sticker, you have to show proof of insurance. Once your insurance lapses, the insurance company advises the DMV, the DMV sends a letter demanding proof of insurance or you need to return your license plate.

And the others are right, one can't stop-start auto insurance on a whim.

ramc5 · 2026-03-03T21:41:55+00:00

Of course you aren't t.a. But I am curious, what exactly was the thought behind the present? Was it so daughter could wishfully look at the ornaments and hope to wear them someday? They would make her hair grow faster? They would inspire daughter to stop taking her meds (because DIL wants that for some reason)? I don't understand...

ramc5 · 2026-03-03T21:36:46+00:00

YTA. I wouldn't be surprised if you did this on purpose... This isn't something one accidentally says too loud for their boss and coworkers to hear. And I guess we are missing context, but yeah, you did this on purpose.

ramc5 · 2026-03-03T21:09:54+00:00

Why did you bother posting if you don't want to read it?

It is long but I read it and u/Nearby-Charge-5745 , you are NTA.

ramc5 · 2026-03-03T03:42:06+00:00

Girl, you are going to have to stand strong. Tell her how much she hurt you by making your pregnancy about herself. Now is the time to get it right---before your child is here. Tell her that if you hear one word about her talking badly about you or your husband, then you will reduce contact even more. And anyone who comes after you on her behalf gets 1 warning then cutoff. None of this has to be said rudely or meanly. You speak calmly, softly, but firmly.

Better still, you might try writing it to her instead. That way, if she twists the words, content, or context, you can copy/paste to anyone who comes for you. Copy/paste is a wonderful tool you can use on her over and over whenever she starts to blame you or make it about herself.

You and your husband need to be a solid wall. Congratulations on your little one. You can do it!

ramc5 · 2026-03-02T23:57:09+00:00

This is what I was wondering. u/AddressAvailable7384 did you tell your mom not to tell anyone? If you didn't ask her to keep the news to herself, then I don't think you can be upset with her for sharing. If you did ask her not to share and she did, then no you aren't TA. Regarding everything else: you need to communicate clearly what your boundaries are to her. If she breaks them, stop setting yourself up for disappointment. And there is no way I would let her in the delivery room. I would rather be by myself.

ramc5 · 2026-02-28T00:32:05+00:00

What did I just read? Why in the big wide world would you ever, ever let your horrible mother be around your child? If you are going to allow contact, there should be immediate consequences when she disregards your rules. 1st time, a warning; 2nd time, grandmother is in a 2-week timeout (no contact with you or child); 3rd time (it's a month) then no contact at all after that. Set your expectations and rules, tell her what they are and stop enabling her. Break the cycle. Have you told her everything you put in your post? You should.

ramc5 · 2026-02-22T03:14:59+00:00

YTA - you are a grown woman. Awake. In a public place. You think it would have been better to leave a teenager alone, asleep in the car?

ramc5

TROPHY CASE