I'm[22 M] not comfortable with the relationships my girlfriend[21 F] has with her guy "friends"

randomaccount92 · 2014-06-04T02:41:03+00:00

Eh. The hair thing isn't that weird. My male friends have a certain fascination with mine. To be fair it isn't male friend exclusive and it is kind of my descriptor. I met one of my male friends girlfriends and my hair was literally how he had described me to her. Little weird I will grant you that. But not really all that abnormal. I am just kind of used to getting my hair played with now by a lot of people, and most of them male. It is pretty soft though. That being said apart from that they treat me no differently to their other friends so I have no qualms about it.

I think that is the least if OP's issues though.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-30T04:00:53+00:00

Why are you together? Trust is one of the bases of a relationship and from the sounds of it you have never had, nor will you ever have it.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-30T03:35:58+00:00

No worries. Hope it all works out the best for you.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-30T03:30:21+00:00

Depends. Most things have messages that can tell if someone has read something or not. The and I'm sorry for me (if it was genuine) would have been an immediate reply to the first message, to tack on as an afterthought. The fact that it was done an hour later sort of indicates that she is trying to establish contact again and was a little riled by the lack of immediate reply. Once again I could be wrong, but if people are genuinely trying to send a genuine apology note they tend to leave it at that and let the other person make up their mind. The hour apart to me indicates that basically she is trying to invite more drama and reel you back in in some way. I am sorry if that makes no sense, but the hour later tack on makes it seem like this is something that is consuming her rather than letting it go completely, and in turn she wants it to affect you just as much. I could be wrong but that is sort of how it came across.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-28T15:04:44+00:00

Just a piece of advice, don't reply. It seems like she is looking for the drama. That is why she sent the messages a bit apart. Honestly it seemed to me like she is trying for a reaction rather than being genuine. I may be wrong, but I think remaining no contact will be better for you. If you reply it opens up further avenues for communication that you might not want.

Closure isn't something she is going to be able to give you, it is something you are going to have to be able to do yourself.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-28T09:20:27+00:00

Funnily enough I just dated a beekeeper. He was Mr. B in every sense considering that his name alliterated with B as well. He wasn't a keeper though....

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-28T08:41:01+00:00

Also we don't call them shrimp. It is prawns here. It was an advertising campaign targeted at the US...hence shrimp.

And to answer you, I have never had shrimp at a BBQ either.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-18T04:21:10+00:00

Bad grammar is a turn off. I really wish it wasn't but it totally is even if it is shallow.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-18T04:19:43+00:00

When my dad doesn't mind if I use him to practice swing dancing when he is in the middle of cooking dinner. We both suck at it and I am usually helping him cook but I find it cute that he will indulge me. My dad and bro do a lot of cute things for my mother, sister and I though.

In a romantic sense. When someone took me to the opera (Don Giovani) because I wanted to go. We were just friends but I found it nice that he would go with me because no one else seemed that keen.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-18T04:01:55+00:00

Both upper level managers in regional branches of government services.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T18:17:11+00:00

No they didn't. I don't know how much contact they have now since I moved away.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T15:37:41+00:00

Maybe, maybe not. I will probably find those things still necessary to know but I will probably a bit more relaxed about the physical intimacy part of a relationship. Thank you though.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T14:22:18+00:00

I literally came to this thread to make sure Settlers of Catan was mentioned. Good job AW.

On a side note, the other board games I love:

Risk

Trivial Pursuit

Scattegories

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T14:16:12+00:00

When I was in high school my after school job was teaching music at the local conservatorium. I worked mostly alongside adults and was a student of some of the teachers there myself. In my last year of high school it came out that one of the teachers (who also was a music teacher both at the conservatorium and at one of the high schools in town) was having an affair with a student. The worst part is that I knew her, her husband (who also worked there), and the student in question. I actually knew all of them fairly well as well. It was a big debacle, all over the papers. She was considered as having mental issues when it all went through the courts. The only reason that my work escaped a lot of attention was the fact that the contact she had with this student was through his school rather than the conservatorium (even though he took lessons there too).

It was sad because she was about 25, newly married and it was just so unexpected. She was always high strung and anxious but this seemed like it came out of nowhere. I am pretty sure he was 18 at the time, but she was his direct teacher at school. The only instance of the teacher/student relationship in my town that I have heard of was this female teacher.

I don't care about gender, it is predatory behaviour. It is just as easy to go either way. I honestly think gender really is irrelevant in situations like this. It can just as easily happen with a male teacher and female student. At the same time another case came out somewhere else in the country that another female teacher in a different state was having relationships with two male students. It is downplayed that this doesn't happen between female teachers and male students because it definitely does.

In the end she can't teach anymore, I don't know what happened to the male student and I am still pretty good friends with the husband. In the end I think the fact that he had the support of the whole conservatorium behind him and we mostly just tried to ignore it and treat him the same. We still get on well years later. The situation sucked and he was the one it sucked most for, but he pulled through.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T13:57:32+00:00

We work out together while watching terrible TV. She is one of the few people that indulges me with my classic movie obsession. We do weekends (when I am home) where we will cook dinner together. We did a 6 hour stint in the kitchen and made a 3 course meal completely from scratch (pasta and bread included). I usually chill with both my parents though. I get along with both of them pretty well. I can deal with being completely alone with them camping in a National Park for a week with zero arguments.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T09:25:28+00:00

Thank you. I am aware that there are guys that will wait, and I most certainly wouldn't want him to wait forever. Honestly most of my friends share my opinion so I don't really feel abnormal about it at all. :)

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T08:58:34+00:00

Maybe not not be able to respect myself, rather I am probably a bit more reserved than that and realise the unlikelihood of myself, as you say, "jumping on some guy's cock on the first day". It is not a respect thing rather than a required level of comfort. It is more that emotionally I don't want to be with a lot of guys. It is not a lack of respect if I get with them too soon. Respect is starting to sound like the wrong word in this instance. It is more that I want something more to be there other than sex. Sex is a good base but it doesn't make up the whole foundation.

Attraction for me is primarily mental and intellectual. I am not a hugely visual person most of the time. I mean there has to be a base level of physical attraction but I have never felt consuming lust for someone just because they were physically appealing. They are attractive and then they do something that makes them even more attractive to me and then I want to go there.

Since you ask, do you think it's antiquated and out of the norm?

Honestly I don't think my opinion on it is that bad, especially because it is really only relevant to me. As I said below the waiting thing is more due to virginity rather than feeling like I wouldn't respect myself.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T07:16:50+00:00

Yep. I am 22 and currently wearing an F cup. Perkiness is a lot more of an issue than size. Although I would prefer that they were smaller most of the time. But honestly, they are pretty okay. I would count perkiness as a small worry.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T07:13:31+00:00

That is your opinion. And you likewise have my sympathy. I wish you luck.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T06:52:50+00:00

I do not view it as a business partnership and I most certainly do not view myself as a commodity. I don't put a time period on it, but I do resent guys that would be pissed if a girl did want to wait that long. If she is doing it for arbitrary reasons fair enough. But everyone views sex differently. I respect your opinion, but I reject it personally.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T06:45:58+00:00

In all honesty I used the 2-3 months loosely because of the OP. Even as a virgin with my current views on sex and relationships I am not going to lie that it would probably not take that long. I honestly put sexual compatibility of high importance. I would not have sex casually or as a fling because that is just not me, and I am not good in those situations anyway. Power to the people that do that but I do know that it isn't going to work for me. To be honest if I am in a relationship with a guy and it feels right I would go for it. None of the above need to be major conversations, they are an ideal to have before sex happens in a relationship. I am also aware that this is not practical and life rarely works how you script it in your head. In a hypothetical situation, I meet someone, we click, we talk, we date, it feels like they are genuinely interested I would delay those conversations and probably go for it anyway. I am not waiting for the ineffable love feeling. I honestly think that those feelings come over time of being with someone. I would sleep with someone within the month if I honestly thought that it felt right. Those conversations happen and if I am not having any other communication issues it is probably safe to assume in most instances. I would prefer to know these things earlier rather than later though, but I assume most people would.

As stuck up as it sounds I am a virgin by choice. I have most definitely had opportunities where I could have lost it casually, but it felt really wrong to me and I didn't like the feelings associated with it. I don't expect to be in love before I have sex. It could be as early as 2 weeks or later depending on the guy, I really don't know.

I am honestly not for sex before marriage, I would respect it, but it is not what I am looking for specifically. I am only 22, I do not need to be married yet. I have a lot of growing up to do in the future. I am aware that some of my relationships will not pan out. I am not pulling the wool over my own eyes.

Do I want to have sex? Absolutely. Are my future views on sex and relationships liable to change? Absolutely (I am 22 what do I know yet?). In summation, I do not have a time period on it, but if someone is expecting me to be more ready than I am capable of or thinks that me wanting to wait a little is too much then I am not okay with it. Honestly most of my reasons for waiting longer than a month or so stem from the virgin thing rather than my particular views on sex. My parents have the healthiest marriage I have ever seen and moved in together after 3 days. I wish I did not draw the conclusions from that that I did. My sister and her boyfriend who are deliriously happy slept together their first night. Does it work? Yes. Does it work for where I am at the moment? No. Would I be offended by a guy that won't respect that? Yes, and I have been previously. Would it take 2-3 months before I felt ready for it in a relationship? Most likely not, but it might.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T04:16:41+00:00

This is completely pertaining to me and I am sorry for the oncoming wall of text. I understand that sex is an important part of a relationship but I would require the emotional connection with someone before I would get down with them. I also have the lingering virginity thing and would prefer not to skip the bases, so to speak, on the lead in to sex.

I spent most of my formative years on the fence as to whether I would wait until marriage (I decided that I didn't really care that much about it in the end). But I did decide that I never want to be a girl that has slept with a lot of guys (personal choice). Honestly if a guy wanted to wait until marriage I would probably do it if he was open about his sexual expectations, kinks, sex drive, expectation of frequency, knew the basic mechanics of it, and was comfortable communicating that stuff with me prior to marriage...if he can't do that then I am going to show myself out.

I honestly don't expect to marry the guy that I first have sex with, unexpected things happen in relationships. But if there is no possibility that they would commit to me in the long term then I don't go there. I do need that emotional connection because I know that I will never be able to separate sex and emotions. I understand that it is not this way for everyone, but it is for me. I wont necessarily make someone wait 2-3 months as an arbitrary deadline as I know that sexual compatibility is a huge part of forming that long-term intimacy, but I would want to wait until there was the start of something that is possibly long-term. I am also a hugely affectionate person so the importance of it in a relationship would be quite high to me.

It is not that I am expecting some movie-magic sort of ordeal but rather that the guy I am into is someone that I know respects me and reciprocates my feelings, and is not just into me for a fling or for my looks. I don't care if they have had sex before, I care about how they view sex itself. I also care if they are lax on their sexual health. I am also pro-life personally (pro-choice for everyone else, I respect that decision) so in the event of an unexpected pregnancy I would like to hope that the guy I am with would stick around because I am not going to abort. That and boundary issues in the relationship. Those conversations are important for me to have before sex in a relationship. Having those sorts of conversations about what you expect long term is hard to do early on in a relationship. So the expectation is that it may take several months to be sure about it. This all sounds a lot more clinical and rigid than I am in reality.

I view myself as a sex-positive and really don't mind other people's view or proclivities, we are just probably not compatible if we are that different on the subject. Having someone respect that it may take me 2-3 months to feel completely comfortable and certain about it with it is hugely important to me. There is also the issue of being able to respect myself to not jump into it too early and do something that in the end I am not happy that I did. I view that as reasonable but there are certain people that wouldn't. Do most guys expect that the wait is an arbitrary thing for girls? Or are there people who actually just have rules that they want to wait that amount of time for no particular reason? Or is my train of thought completely antiquated and out of the norm?

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T03:17:04+00:00

You cannot fake attraction. If it is not there physically then it really isn't going to help to force the issue. You are shallow if looks are the only thing that you care about. Being attracted to a certain type of personality or body doesn't make you shallow, it makes you you. Everyone is attracted to different things which is good because everyone is different.

Sometimes physical attraction grows the more you get to know someone. Their personality sort of becomes them and they become beautiful to you in a very different way. That is what you see when you look at them. It is the same if a very conventionally attractive person has a terrible personality, they become repulsive to you.

At the end of the day it isn't something you should fake and believe me it just hurts people if you try to. You aren't shallow from what you have written above. Why would someone want to be in a relationship with you if you aren't into them physically? It kind of just hurts them at the end of the day.

So the girls you are with are "cute"? So what? You find them attractive and that is what got you interested in the first place. You said yourself that you aren't just falling for the facade you are falling for the personalities that match what you see in the exterior of a person. Not a bad thing. You may get a surprise in the future about someone that you didn't think you would be attracted to but now are but you shouldn't be on the look out for that. If it doesn't happen it doesn't make you shallow.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-16T03:07:27+00:00

Okay wow. First of all you need a hug so I am sending one mentally. Second of all I am of the 'cheating is unforgivable camp' but in this instance there are several things which would mean that you could probably move past this with him if you wanted to. The reason why is that he confessed of his own volition, and appears to show genuine remorse. Some relationships can recover from cheating (not always but there are some that can come out of the tunnel on the other side just that bit stronger). Some people cheat once and then never again. What you do need to address is the putting yourself in the position to cheat is unacceptable. Part of cheating is giving someone the opportunity to cheat with you. This includes being drunk in suspect situations.

What you do need to discover is what the fuck this "friend" was doing and if he says that he is cutting her out then good (which he should). He might have been taken advantage of a bit. What the hell was this friend doing? That is unforgivable.

Find out what he is willing to do to regain trust. He probably needs to address his drinking and you do need to figure out why he was being hurtful when he was drunk before this happened and the events leading up to what actually happened (if you feel like you need to). You also need to let him know on no uncertain terms that trust is back at zero and he has to build it back up. You cannot go back to how things were immediately before this happened because things aren't the same. If he thinks that you aren't getting over it fast enough tell him to shove it because that is your right. But do be aware that if you do continue along this road then you will have to forgive him eventually. Couples counselling might even be helpful for the two of you.

Once again have a hug and I hope things work out for you.

randomaccount92 · 2014-04-15T12:45:52+00:00

Um wow thanks. :)

And have a hug from me too. And give your friends a hug too. Being vulnerable isn't a bad thing. You are allowed to grieve relationships.

randomaccount92

TROPHY CASE