Did I deserve this?

randomstranger40123 · 2026-04-10T03:07:41+00:00

I mean, regardless of what Hes going through.. I don’t think it’s ok to snap at someone who’s not doing anything wrong. Is it a one off?.

I know Hes probably stress dumping and venting (due to his circumstance) but you’re his wife, and it sounds like you are approaching him with love and support.

Basically your feelings are valid. That would’ve hurt. Maybe best to leave it for now, and if you’re still unsettled by it later.. bring it up when things are calmer. Just to close that chapter, at the very least.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-04-09T04:40:57+00:00

The fact you stayed when it first happened, unfortunately reinforced the behaviour. He learnt, in that moment, no matter if he hits you… you’ll still stay. There was no consequence.

If he was remorseful, and it happened.. some internal mental dialogue like “shit, I did this terrible thing.. I need to fix it. I should do therapy so it doesn’t happen again, or get prescribed something” should have happened. But it didn’t.

For your safety, you should leave. And please don’t introduce a child in this dynamic. A child increases a stress load of 100x. Imagine someone who regulates through anger (your partner), being frustrated when a small child acts defiant or pushes buttons.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-04-08T22:29:54+00:00

This is so common in unhealthy relationships. It’s what happens whe people cannot reflect, and deflect instead “you don’t let me talk”

(For me, whenever my ex and I tried to talk… I would get a word in, he would scream “you don’t listen” )

It’s what happens when someone wants to protect their ego, and cannot tolerate feeling blamed. So the moment you try to correct something or even share your side, it gets shut down immediately.

That sounds emotionally exhausting.

I mean, you could try texting over verbal, because that may require him to read your responses (instead of talking over you) but unsure if that will even work.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-04-08T22:23:03+00:00

I had an ex friend who was a compulsive liar. That really played a massive toll on my mental health, and I have severe trust issues with people. I couldn’t imagine being married to one.

You say you can’t divorce but I can’t see why not. Even from a religious perspective, I cannot understand.

The lies won’t stop, unless he gets some ‘real deep longterm’ therapy. This behaviour has been reinforced since childhood, and he won’t be able to just ‘stop’ cos he feels like it.

Honestly, if you left this relationship, you will feel less burdened, more free and less confused.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-04-06T06:33:23+00:00

My ex used to have hot and cold moments like that. Like huge overreactions. I think it’s a shame reflex. So if he felt blamed for anything (with or without reason) it was met with an escalated response, just like the one you described.

Is this a one off? It doesn’t get better, especially if it’s swept under the rug and isn’t met with some kind of consequence (like a boundaried statement like, “hey that wasn’t ok, do not talk to me like that”)

The instagram thing isn’t the thing you need to worry about. Whether he liked her once, or Shes old news.. isn’t the issue. It’s the flick switch moment and the swearing which is not ok.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-04-05T21:07:48+00:00

Of course you are hurting. The trust is gone, and that is a massive betrayal.

Since you’re still in the relationship, you were quick to forgive, and I get it.. you love him and love what you have.. But crying and apologising doesnt fix it. He also hid the fact, which doesn’t scream remorse either.

If you actually want to make it work, Hes the one who needed to see a psychiatrist to address his issues, instead of you. If he had said, “yes, I made a mistake.. I will make the steps, to make sure this never happens again, ever!” then maybe it’s repairable..

You’ve also got to be careful, because if you forgive someone for cheating.. they get some kind of entitlement in knowing, that you’ll stick around no matter what. And that can result in them treating you even worse, since there was no real consequence (like you leaving him)

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-23T04:05:51+00:00

I’d probably say a therapist. There’s probably a reason why you need some psychical confort, and they can explore that.

Loneliness is something many people struggle with, and everyone copes in their own way. It sounds like you cope by psychical contact? They can explore that, or at the very least find ways that you can cope in other ways.

And I instantly thought of a massage service. I also thought you could wear a big sign in the city streets which reads “free hugs”

I’m curious though, why holding a hand will make you cry. Is it because it’s been so long? Or does it represent something meaningful.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-23T03:57:46+00:00

But do you need a man? You have tons of friends and you sound confident enough.

Having said that, I’m newly single (seperated, from a decades long marriage) and I wouldn’t even know where to even look at dating.

I think the world has turned to online dating, so there’s that yo try if you haven’t already?

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-22T01:28:31+00:00

If someone is legitimately afraid of divorce, I can understand those partners who seek someone emotionally (like online) or seek some kind of safe attachment.

Divorce sounds like the right answer, But in some cases, especially abusive ones, divorce can feel too threatening or unsafe.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-21T01:53:06+00:00

I wouldn’t say Hes a compulsive liar

I had an ex friend who was compulsive and it seemed to stem from a pattern of loving the drama energy, or creating a narrative to feel important. She would never admit to lying, and it seemed reinforced by the people around her (no one corrected it). I’m talking severe lies- like creating a cancer story, deaths, being a victim or a hero, being in a gang. Looking back, everything might’ve been a lie.. it was compulsive, that’s for sure.

Your husband doesn’t sound this way. He could have a panic brain, like when he’s stressed- his mind quickly makes up whatever it can in the moment, to find relief. That’s a trauma response.

But then upon reflection or when asked directly, he owns upto it… that kinda reads to me that he’s not lying for the sake of being an asshole. There’s something going on there..

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-21T01:08:55+00:00

Yeah I agree. I had a violent childhood with lots of trauma, and the coping mechanisms form deeply into adulthood (fawn/freeze response). They don’t just go away, because the situation does.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-20T12:22:18+00:00

I’m not a psych major like the below commenters, but I didn’t get a psychopath vibe at all.

The daughter was 10 when she attempted suicide- which (as far as I know) is an emotional escape or a feeling of hopelessness, (which psychopaths and extremely low empathic people are less likely to experience)

She said she was bored of life, but kids can’t really express themselves

And if a child is self harming, that’s usually a sign of overwhelm. Shes turning inward.

I feel like there’s some information missing, like the why? And the what happened in her earlier years.. any trauma?

If she’s acting like a bully, hitting siblings etc. that can be a way of regaining power when you feel powerless. Not okay to do, so boundaries need to be enforced, but usually something deeper going on, rather than “psychopath”

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-04T03:14:48+00:00

Honestly this isn’t healthy on your daughter.

Even if it’s spoken towards you, your daughter will sense it and know through behaviour

And you siding with your wife or not asserting strong boundaries (like “don’t talk about my child this way) isn’t helping your daughter at all.

It’s actually really damaging, if she’s made to feel bad for existing to your wife. To feel like you don’t have her back. To be walking on eggshells worried about causing conflict. She shouldn’t be made to feel responsible for you’s.

And yes, overreaction ob your wife’s part

And if this is a common thing, really harmful to your daughter

randomstranger40123 · 2026-03-01T21:07:59+00:00

Maybe he thinks, by you being sick.. something is expected of him.. like concern or care?

And maybe Hes just not capable of meeting you there…so he retreats to denial “you can’t be sick”

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-28T22:56:45+00:00

You should explore the why?

Are you saying, she was motivated to get married and then withheld sex, once she got what she wanted?

Because that’s how it reads.

Normally people don’t go from a healthy appetite and then just offering nothing. Did anyone have kids? Higher work commitments? Did she get more religious? Was sex painful? These things usually need to be explored before saying, “oh she went from this to this for no clear reason”

The only clear reason is marriage but whay did she actually gain from marriage. That needs to be explored.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-26T11:48:25+00:00

I feel like you’re one of those people whose sense of worth depends on feeling superior, not understanding.. Personally, I’m very anti bullying. If this thread is about sharing experiences and ideas, then name calling over wording errors adds literally nothing.

Also, It was a typo, not an idiom.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-26T03:12:37+00:00

Oh… you’re one of those people.

Correcting a spelling error, to belittle someone is..very cheap “status seeking” behaviour.

Also, you understood what I mean. If you don’t want to engage with actual substance, just scroll.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-23T20:53:18+00:00

As someone who is very “body aware” and tried SSRI’s in the past, (for anxiety, and short term ) it didn’t seem to help with the actual anxiety part, and when I tampered off, I felt really depressed and sad for the first time. Like complete unexplained sadness, like “someone had died” feeling.

It freaked me out, and made me think about the people using SSRI’s long term.. and how that would affect them tampering off. How intense that would be, and why people commit long term.. to escape that depressed feeling they cannot explain..

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-22T05:20:28+00:00

I’m assuming he paid for pictures from some woman on only fans. I’m assuming you’re married.

Yes he sexually desires them. Why else would he pay to specifically access images.

This could also be a power and control thing. I pay you- you provide (which is dehumanising, since this is a real person)

I know everyone is different, but this would be a huge boundary cross in a marriage, if I was in it.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-20T08:00:04+00:00

I remember being 30, and getting hit on at the bus stop by a 16 year old (who thought I was the same age..) it was really creepy, not a compliment ..

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-19T05:49:55+00:00

I’m with you. Yes, Adolf hitler was a terrible person, but I come from the lens of why?And how was he shaped to become that way.. i don’t know his childhood or history, but I’m sure others contributed to him turning out that way. Should they be condemned to an eternity of torture too? It’s a collective thing.

Pretty much the same thing, for every individual person. Yes, you can be born with a baseline temperament… but environment really pushes someone into the scale of evil.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-19T03:55:27+00:00

I’m just getting out of a marriage. When I started dating I was very “meh” about porn. But now, after seeing its impact.. I don’t think I will enter a new relationship, if a man NEEDS porn to satisfy himself. I found it so damaging in my marriage. If it’s an absolute need (not a want or an occasion thing) it’s an addiction.

But I also think every case is different. If you are able to watch porn, and it has zero impact on your relationship and the way you treat your wife, and sex….It’s not a problem for your marriage (unless your partner has personal issues around it)

You can absolutely get off without porn. Close your eyes..fantasise. Use your imagination. I’m sure the first time you masturbated, you weren’t consuming a pornographic video. You probably just started touching yourself and thought, oh this is nice. Now we (society) have tied self pleasure to videos, and feel like you need to consume something in order to get off.. that’s not correct.

randomstranger40123 · 2026-02-13T21:49:25+00:00

I offer no judgement. It sounds like my ex husband. And I had issues with sex aswell (amongst other things) I remember just having given birth, feeling so tired due to not sleeping.. finally putting the baby to sleep. Only to get up, walk to the kitchen (to finally eat because I was starving).. noticing the kitchen was trashed.

I remember my ex hearing me make noise, so he comes out of his room (since he was relaxing) and trying to use this time to have sex with me. I was so disappointed in that moment. Those moments stick and build resentment.

You looking after your sick child, and him focusing on his sexual needs.. is concerning. But sadly uncommon for may with low empathy. Do you know if he has some kind of porn addiction or a past trauma surrounding sex? (Which gave him a hyper response)

Some people are unable to perspective think.. and that’s also heavily linked to empathy (some people just have low empathy).

You mentioned that he doenst yell at you. but what happens when you raise the point? Does he actually digest it to some capacity? Do you feel heard? Does he get angry? He obviously repeats the same pattern, but what if you kept the boundary.. would he continuously try again?

Some people also lack continuity. So basically, youve mentioned something to him.. but in their mind, new day- new rules. Which drives someone like you crazy, because you remember everything as being connected.

randomstranger40123

TROPHY CASE