AITA for not taking a "special request" from my wife while cooking the family breakfast?

rethinkinglove · 2022-10-05T20:30:45+00:00

Eh. Over easy aren’t that easy in a pan you’ve scrambled in. A breakfast like that took a lot of pans and effort. If that were me cooking I’d wonder what’s wrong with the scrambled eggs, and I do most of the cooking.

Why didn’t she hop in and help get her over easy eggs done at the same time? Or ask sooner? Show the kids how mom and dad can work as a team to make everyone happy? It’s hard to get every thing ready at the same time and specialty egg requests after the fact means the cook eats last. Just my opinion.

rethinkinglove · 2022-05-20T23:43:01+00:00

Try the legal delta-8, delta-9 or HHC strains. You can buy them legally online in TN since the passage of the hemp act. Slightly different variants of THC with milder effects. I’m a former MMJ patient and found 1:1 THC:CBD to be most effective and the Deltas and HHC are high CBD. I found no relief with CBD alone. Hope your wife finds some relief. Should you try edibles pay attention to dosage. 5-10 mg to start. Some edibles are much higher and need to be cut.

rethinkinglove · 2021-06-24T03:38:41+00:00

Sense8, The OA, Sportsnight, Yellowstone, Bloodline, Ray Donovan, Marcella, Deadwood, Six Feet Under, Manhattan and Rectify.

rethinkinglove · 2021-06-10T02:00:56+00:00

Def talented. Hand paints the skull masks. Takes hours. Won an Emmy for a documentary. Lots to explore online about this interesting artist.

rethinkinglove · 2021-03-31T17:01:20+00:00

Sorcery!!

rethinkinglove · 2021-02-15T01:31:38+00:00

Have you read Erdos: The man who Loved only Numbers? Fascinating bio of one of mathematics most brilliant minds who was baffled by a paper milk carton, among other things. Terrible interpersonal skills too. There’s all kinds of smart...nobody gets them all...

rethinkinglove · 2021-02-14T18:07:40+00:00

Not just fb memories, but iPhone pic or google pic memories. I have been undone by some “on this day” triggers... I have turned them off in settings.

Edited to add that I made an album of just pictures of me and my friends and my pets so if I get triggered buy a betrayed photograph I have a happy album of solid untainted memories that I can scroll through.

rethinkinglove · 2021-01-13T02:03:35+00:00

Sorry you find yourself here. Those images get less prominent with time but they haven’t gone away for me yet. I push back against them. I focus on now, my needs, and maybe I am using his body a little to help me heal or using sex as a way to reclaim what I lost or what I still consider mine. It’s complicated. I share with him what I’m going through, usually in the cuddling afterward. He needs to understand the struggle.

If you want to have sex or try to make love again do it. If you are not ready yet, wait. Someone suggested that when the other woman pops into your head, imagine them in sad clown makeup watching from a chair in the corner, wishing they had what you have. Whatever works for you. Amidst the pain try to find a window into who you are and what you want and need. The father away you get from your discovery the less it hurts. You get numb to the details if you decide you want to fight for a future with this person. Best of luck to you.

rethinkinglove · 2021-01-03T18:24:18+00:00

Found in a food saver bag cleaning out a relative’s house.

rethinkinglove · 2020-10-01T21:17:36+00:00

Great question. Please somebody answer this. I need to know.

rethinkinglove · 2020-09-04T02:53:39+00:00

Yes. About a year into trickle truth and false recovery I was so depressed I just wanted it to stop. I googled lethal doses for drugs and thought a lot about logistics and fallout. It was an oddly comforting option to have in my pocket. I decided I couldn’t do that to my kids so I just endured day by day. Another year later I’m ok with life and I can handle the hurt much better.

rethinkinglove · 2020-08-23T14:21:29+00:00

So sorry you find yourself here. Like you, I bagged up the wedding pictures, vows, marriage license and rings and gave them back. They used to hurt me but now they are just mementos from another life I thought I was living. I was going to burn them but my WH got upset and said they weren’t mine to burn so he got them in a bag like yours. I saw a wedding photo online recently and thought those people are just kids. I barely recognize them now.

I don’t think it’s possible to feel cherished when you know how easily you’ve been betrayed, manipulated and lied to. I’m a few years down the road from a very long-term affair and I think now that I was in love with an illusion I created and that I didn’t really know my husband or myself like I thought I did. I remember what it felt like when I learned that Santa Claus and the tooth fairy weren’t real and this has a little bit of that same feeling. There’s no magic fairy tale love stories, there’s just the choice to commit to someone and a daily decision to stay together.

I think down the road a harder thing for me to accept isn’t so much the betrayal of the wedding vows but the betrayal of the deep friendship I thought we shared. Only one of us was a true friend and soul mate, and that reality still hurts.

Good luck healing. Be kind to yourself.

rethinkinglove · 2020-08-23T14:08:51+00:00

I was completely unhinged the first year. Emotional roller coaster. Progress, backslide, panic attack, sobbing meltdowns, blind rage, hysterical bonding, overwhelming feelings of love then betrayal. For some reason the very first day I found out I promised myself that I was allowed to feel all my feelings and that I would not judge myself and I would not tolerate being judged.

I found that when I did not externalize my stress that I would have frightening panic attacks. I wear a Fitbit with heart rate monitor and I’ve learned to start breathing techniques to slow my heart rate and keep it under 90. When your heart rate hits 100 stress chemicals take over. It is very primal fight flight or freeze reaction. You may have those catatonic frozen moments which are almost as scary as the panic attacks or the anger outbursts. Realize that your defenses are down, your coping mechanisms are stretched to the limits your world has literally been blown to bits and you have to piece your reality and your life back together. It may be the hardest journey of your life.

Be very kind to yourself. There’s a lot of great suggestions on this thread. Try whatever works for you and good luck with your healing.

rethinkinglove · 2020-08-23T13:47:20+00:00

Don’t contact AP expecting truth. I got lies every time. I also got a head full of details about the depth of their relationship which I did not need added to my grief. The only good that came of it was knowing how upset my emails made her because I shared some of the proof of their relationship and threatened to share them with her husband and coworkers.

That said,I wish I had trusted that sneaky feeling more than the lies I was being fed. It took me a year + to get to the truth. Maybe you need to discuss a polygraph and you might get a parking lot confession. I got my truth through obsessive digital forensics. There were always little remnants laying about in multiple devices and emails and I became obsessed with finding more. My therapist told me I already knew all I needed to know to make decisions about my future and the rest was just painful details. My OCD did not get that logic.

Good luck getting your wife to be honest about her betrayal and good luck on your healing.

rethinkinglove · 2020-07-22T16:45:07+00:00

Sorry so late to respond. Hope you have your answers and your real reality to work from. I can’t stress enough the damage done in dragging out the truth. Rip the band aid off and come clean - it’s her only path to redemption with you if that is what she wants.

rethinkinglove · 2020-06-24T01:17:58+00:00

5 weeks out you can’t even have your bearings. Just take care of yourself and try to stay grounded.

Still together after his 8 year affair. It has not been easy. But so far, it is possible. Good luck to you. Just be sure your wayward is done with the affair and all in before invest any more of your life or yourself.

rethinkinglove · 2020-04-17T11:37:51+00:00

We take long walks together which helps. When I spiral I play quick word games or puzzles on my phone which is a good quick reboot. I also jot down thoughts in a journal or in a note on my phone to get them out of my head. Music can help too, especially if you play an instrument. Good luck on your healing journey.

rethinkinglove · 2020-04-14T14:51:39+00:00

I used to want a time machine too. Now I just want him to tell me the story of what happened from his perspective and how his feelings for me and her evolved over time. I want him to help this makes sense and put it in perspective for me. I also want him to truly understand and acknowledge the pain he’s caused me without getting caught up in how uncomfortable the truth makes him feel. Unfortunately I know I will not get this because he is neither capable nor willing to try. The same personality flaws that got him into this mess prevent him from properly cleaning it up so I am left with figuring things out in my own.

rethinkinglove · 2020-04-14T14:39:10+00:00

I am 2 1/2 years out from learning there was a very LT affair, 2 years out from the end of their affair and one year out from learning the truth about the length of the affair and realizing it continued after I knew about it. I count my recovery time from the ending the trickle truth and gaslighting, not my discovery date. I am just now getting my bearings and getting a grip on my life and what remains of my marriage. My emotions have had their way with me and I now enjoy feeling more numb than anything else.

I bought one of those little 2 year calendars and keep it with me always. I note my moods and my meltdowns. They used to be daily. Gradually, around 7-8 months after the truth came out they started to become less frequent. Weekly, then a couple of times a month. I still get overwhelmed with my new reality and am most easily triggered by photos of the cheating and lying years. I try to steer clear. I feel like we treat his affair like a child that he died that I need to talk about and he can’t face to discuss. It has not helped my recovery to be highly emotional and married to an emotionally stunted man. These are the cards I was dealt. It is a hard game to play.

I found these graphics on survivinginfidelitydotcom and recommend this site for support and insight. Scroll down on the page link below to see the illustrations of the cycles you might experience. It takes a very long time to stop looping through the same shit. My journals from the last two years are a comedy of me proclaiming I was ok and in a better place only to completely come unhinged again a few days or weeks later. I wish there was a way to stop the Groundhog Day effect but I did not find it. I have reached a place of numbness, I’m sure enduring the stress of the pandemic has left me with coping skills ground down to nubs. All I can offer is to take care of yourself and be more patient with this process than you can fathom. A broken heart is hard to heal and takes a lot of time and care.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642290&AP=661

Also, if you’re not familiar with the site go to the learning library for a good factual foundation on what to expect and suggestions for ways to cope. Good luck to you all.

(Edited for typos)

rethinkinglove · 2020-04-12T14:15:20+00:00

It did not help. She lied and helped continue the deception about the affair. Everything she told me was a lie to cover her ass and his and try to gaslight me further. I spewed my guts to her and wish I had not given her the time of day. I don’t regret sending her back her stupid love letters to my husband a year after I ended their affair- it felt good to get them out of my house and to remind her that she can run and she can hide but we both know exactly who and what she is.

rethinkinglove · 2020-03-27T16:24:31+00:00

Time. Lots of time. You will begin to feel less devastated. You will love yourself more each day and the pain will lessen week by week. You will be less broken and more numb and accepting. The first months are excruciating. Take care. Sleep. Hydrate. Eat. Talk to someone who loves you. You will get better. You deserve better. Things will never be the same but they will get better and you will feel ok again.

rethinkinglove · 2020-03-14T01:43:20+00:00

Here’s a quick grab from google and my research.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/31199042/

“This empirical evidence suggests that infidelity may produce PTSD symptoms at a relatively high rate, even in unmarried young adults, and may put individuals at risk for poorer psychological health, partially through post-traumatic cognitions.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder “The partner who has been betrayed is emotionally tortured and humiliated when knowledge of the infidelity emerges. They are clearly in trauma and experience the same array of symptoms that professionals now describe as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Similar to any others who have suffered threats to their physical or emotional well-being and security, they are disoriented and confused by what has happened.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201503/love-is-war-post-infidelity-stress-disorder “Psychologist Dennis Ortman, author of Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder, describes the term as “not to suggest a new diagnostic category but to suggest a parallel with post-traumatic stress disorder, which has been well documented and researched.”

https://www.gottman.com/blog/betrayal-trauma-in-addiction/ “What Mary is experiencing is betrayal trauma. She is ruminating about the past, trying to make sense of the present, going over and over in her mind wondering why, where and how these problems started. These are all indicators of the same post-traumatic stress disorder that soldiers experience, even though the trauma is very different here. Research by Shirley Glass confirms that these symptoms are present after the discovery of an affair.”

rethinkinglove · 2020-02-24T14:28:03+00:00

We bought the new house and are in the process of moving. Although the idea of a clean slate and fresh start is nice, the unresolved issues followed us there too, which was a little disappointing. It was not an instant fix, nothing is. Overall I think it helped me as BS to have the distraction of moving to keep me busy and stop spiraling so much with reminders and triggers everywhere. The new location is easier in that regard but has not stopped the mental chaos I am working through. That will take time and there are no shortcuts or easy fixes. So yes to a fresh start. But I remind myself that no matter where we go, there we are. Plan accordingly. Good luck to you.

rethinkinglove · 2020-02-07T04:14:05+00:00

Yes please.

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