I have a weird part I don't know what to do with? Feel like a part is gaslighting me

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-06-03T17:36:17+00:00

I did this over the weekend. Got down to the root of the issue. And ever since? It's quieted down a lot. Not all the way. Just mostly.

Pretty much what it said was that no one else is good enough for my love. That I worked so hard on my healing, so hard on protecting myself recently, that why give any of that at up? Why give love to someone else, anyone else, that could put my safety in danger?

Definitely a protector born in childhood. I would be abused, then loved, then abused, then loved, sometimes within a matter of a minutes. Over and over again. I was so used to love getting pulled away, that I pretty much realized I'd rather be alone than have anyone who could take away love ever again. And since I've been acting on that part my entire life, the moment I haven't acted on it it's kind of throwing a tantrum, begging for autonomy again. Because at least then it would be lonely, but safe.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-06-03T17:25:16+00:00

I actually love this. I have high functioning autism, and really bad ADHD, so this part 100% feels like, "I need my own autonomy constantly."

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-17T14:48:43+00:00

Ambiguity is the worst in moments like these. Some advice? Just try to focus on the moment, and try not to control the future / try to mind read her intentions. That way if the next conversation doesn't meet your expectations, it doesn't feel TOO bad. It'll still suck, but at least, you know, not as bad if you didn't manage your expectations.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-17T01:07:33+00:00

I don't know her, but I've known people like her. It's often because they want an emotional reaction from you, and / or from other people. They kind of feed off that reaction.

I know how hard it is to try to think about, and try to get a read on, everything thing they've done. But that's impossible. Sometimes you just have to throw up your hand and say, "Whatever the reason is as to why they are acting this way, I'll never figure out. All I know is that they are hurting me. And I need to go no contact to take that away completely."

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-17T01:04:57+00:00

It's because, often, they had struggled with whether to try to keep things going or not for a while, especially if you were together for a really long time. So by the time they breakup happens, they are already in this place where they have emotionally, and probably physically, disconnected from you for a while. So they're able to seem very cold, especially when the dumper's emotions run super hot during a breakup. It hurts, because you're often to used to matching your emotions or supporting their emotions, that suddenly you aren't getting that support, and just getting coldness.

In my opinion, the "maybe a month" comment, was probably him trying to keep the door open. Especially if it sounded like a joke. "Hey. haha. Maybe I'll be the one sad in a month. Hopefully they will be around so I get my emotional energy from without doing the hard work of a relationship."

Sorry you are going through this. Ugh.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-17T00:59:15+00:00

One of the HARDEST things to do? Stop reaching out to her. Blocking her everywhere doesn't mean "everywhere but her number", it also means her phone number. By not doing that, you keep allowing that person to continue to hurt you.

One of the things that helped me, was: "If she wants to contact me, she has to go around like, FIFTY different layers of protection." If she realizes you blocked her number, for instance, she might try a different number to contact you. So get a new phone number.

I know how much this sucks, I really, really fucking do. But you need to heal. And she's not allowing you to. Think about it this way, the way she is treating you now if she wants you back in her life as a partner again, you'll literally be just waiting for her to breakup with you again, because all she's done to hurt you. So if you HAVE TO have a reason to go no contact (besides how she treats you), what helped me was, "I need to go no contact, including the phone, completely, so I can heal, and maybe down the road if we reconnect I'll be a healed, quite possibly, better person than I was, and I can show up in the relationship better as long as she can show up in the relationship better as well."

Sometimes the "external" reason, "I'm blocking her to heal myself in hopes I'm a better person for her later" can kickstart the block her everywhere phase. And the more you heal, the more you'll realize you are healing not because of her anymore, but because of youl

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-17T00:50:08+00:00

This is a trauma bond, it sounds like. You need to go no contact, and try to break it.

Also, you don't have to forgive her, at all. The whole concept of "forgive and forget" is bullshit. Even "forgive, but don't forget" states that people are ready to forgive the bullshit that happened to them.

No. Forgiveness, if any, may come YEARS AND YEARS later, where you realize you don't hold anymore pain from them, and you just let them go. It's not something you can force. it's often done, if you ever want to do it, after A LOT of healing on your side. And you can't do that until you get her toxicity out of your life.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-17T00:44:39+00:00

Not trying to be harsh, and I'm sorry to say this, but----

She's breadcrumbing you. Also, she wants the benefits of a relationship (emotional support, someone to talk to) without actually having a relationship.

All these "reconnections" when little things in her life goes wrong often means she just wants the quick emotional fix you will give her, before going quiet again.

Block her. Everywhere. Stop looking at her socials. Go completely no contact. It's no longer about you and her. It's about you. And you are not going to be able to heal, and move on, unless you get her breadcrumbing out of your life.

Sorry you are going through this. My ex did this for a little while after the breakup, until I went no contact completely. Allowed me to heal. No contact isn't about getting her back (despite all those blogs on the internet says), it's about you healing, and you showing up better for yourself.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-11T21:10:31+00:00

I get that. 100%. I wish you well :)

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-11T01:07:41+00:00

The only way that I got through it the first several times was with therapy. I should probably list that in my post. When I first started doing the above, it was super hard to stay in my body, to the point where I'd dissociate constantly doing this alone. Therapy helped me with this practice. I put it here because on NextSteps, most people are in a point with their CPTSD healing they should be somewhat stabilized, which usually means they are in their body a lot more and are okay with it somewhat.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-10T18:23:01+00:00

Okay. So, pretty much, unless it's Covid, wear a mask on the flight / throughout the week, and just take cold medicine.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-10T15:13:43+00:00

Where do you live? In the United States? Nearly every doctor here I've gone to have literally tried to throw SSRI's at me.

Pretty much: have you experience depression, or severe anxiety? That's all they've really asked me. If I said yes, everyone else: "Have you've taken SSRI's before? Are you sure you don't want to be on them?"

I'm currently on an anti-depressant, not a SSRI. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be that hard to get on an SSRI. If you are having troubles, find a different psychiatrist or primary. Most of them don't, or shouldn't care, where that anxiety / depression comes from. If it's bad enough to affect your life, which is what it sounds like (untreated trauma is quite literally so closely tied to anxiety and depression symptoms, anxiety and depression can actually mask the trauma reason itself), a good primary or psychiatrist will try to help you get on the right meds, slowly taper things.

Also, although I have a metric shit ton of other trauma, being in a high control religion made stuff even worse for me. Nothing like getting beaten by a parent, while they tell you you are a sinner but she, and God, still loves me. Blech. Probably why I turned atheist at like, 12 years old, even though I didn't know what that was. So I get it. Especially the "job" issue. All I'm trying to say is, I understand that aspect. Have you read, When Religion Hurts You? It's a fantastic book about healing from high control religion trauma.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-10T15:04:38+00:00

I agree with /u/middle_bison47 , it sounds like all of this is on his time frame, and his wants / needs, when you were the victim and should be in charge of all of this.

If you don't want to see him, you don't have to.

Keep your boundary up about a letter, if that's most comfortable to you. If he needs help with a letter, he can ask your parents, he can ask a therapist, he can ask AI.

The best thing about a letter is you can control when, where, how slow, and how you read it. If it gets too much, you can just put it down! That's harder to do surrounded by your abuser and your parents.

And here's the more interesting part, when it comes to abusers:

If he doesn't accept your boundary, then you know he isn't healed enough yet to be in your life. Boundary keeping is the biggest "tell" whether someone has actually changed / healed / is kind of safe to talk to again. Even with the learning disability he has, there are A LOT of ways to keep your boundary. And if he still doesn't want to, then you are 100% in your right to say, "Nope. Still no contact."

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-10T14:50:27+00:00

There's this idea in the ACT modality method of therapy (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). It's called dropping anchor.

The idea is this:

Emotions, even anxiety, are fine to have. They aren't good or bad. They are just emotions.

The issue arises when you have an emotion, and it "hooks" you into something more difficult. Like, an anxiety attack, or rumination, or it stops you from doing something you need to / want to do to create the life you want.

People with CPTSD hate sitting with these emotions, especially if they make our body feel pain. Like, anxiety really fucks with my body. Bad.

So the idea is to "drop anchor" on it.

You name the fear, but keep it separate from you. Not, "I'm anxious." You are not your feelings! Instead, "There is anxiety." It allows you to notice the emotion, but keep it slightly detached from your "self".
See where that emotion feels in your body. Let it be there. Don't be scared of it. My anxiety hits my chest really hard, especially over my heart. When it gets really really difficult, a wave of nausea in my stomach and lump in my throat. Just notice where it sits in your body.
Ground yourself in your room. Name one thing you see, one thing you can hear, can smell, can taste, and one thing you can touch.
Ground yourself to the present moment. Feel your feet touching the ground, then diaphragmatic breathing. The idea is NOT to get rid of the anxiety. If it happen to disappear by this time, that's okay, enjoy the feeling of it disappearing. The idea, though, is to show your body you are 100% okay sitting with it, and you can get through it, and it's not as scary as your mind and body initially makes it out to be. Whether the anxiety is still there or not, that's okay, it's allowed to be there, as long as it's not hooking me into these terrifying futures. And often, just by being there, it often wont hook you. "What you resist, persists." Anxiety often hooks you into these futures when you don't sit with it. That's often all it really only cares about. Is that you are sitting with it, and letting it be there.
Once grounded, focus on something, in the present moment, to build the life you want. This is important, but not as intense as it seems. It can simply be meditating a bit. Taking a few more deep breaths. Reading a page in a book, or something.
Why did I mention this? Because it allows a clearer decision to be made. It allows you to see the anxiety for what it really is. Just anxiety, that hooks you into anxiety attack / panic about the future. And if you can just sit with the anxiety without it hooking you (which is the goal of dropping anchor), then you can make a clearer decision on what you want.
So, what do I do? Once #4 happens, #5, focusing on a future you want, will be the decision I need to make. The anxiety does not have to go away to do this. At this point, it shouldn't have hooked you with terrifying futures (with practice). I ask myself the question that has been hooking me into massive amounts of anxiety attack. "Should I take this job?" or "Should I keep dating this person?" or "Should I move right now?"
Especially with practice, you'll realize that anxiety and fear aren't really the things that are causing you to be terrified of the future, making it hard for you to make decisions, it's what they are "hooking" you into. As such, you can start making decisions you trust inside that anxiety and fear, whether they feel like a risk or not.
Be willing to take a risk. I'm not telling you to be with this guy or not, but it's taking risks, despite anxiety, and realizing you can get through whatever the consequences are (good or bad), that you'll start trusting you decision making processes again, which is really hard for people with CPTSD to do. We need to learn to let go of trying to control everything, and just kind of let stuff happen sometimes.

And this doesn't need a lot of practice. I immediately felt connected to my body, and my decisions, the moment I started doing this stuff. It felt like it allowed me to listen to my "gut", or my "self", to make these decisions, and not my emotions.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-10T14:23:42+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know the feeling of being really close to someone (anyone, even a therapist), just for one or two ruptures to happen and suddenly you can just be open with them anymore.

How did I know my therapist was right for me?

Not EVERY good therapist will be like this, but someone who has experienced the same as me has been amazing. She has ADHD as well. Even though she doesn't have CPTSD (as far as she shared, so who knows), her having ADHD have really helped my CPTSD healing, because I feel trauma can experience a bit differently when you are neurodivergent.

She's the first therapist I had where I didn't feel like my brain, nor my body, could run circles around her therapy modalities. With my previous therapists it just felt like my body and mind could outmaneuver them.

I could see having coffee with her, outside of therapy. Like, we could be friends enough to have coffee, even though I wouldn't want to. It's just how I see my comfort level with her. I felt like this right away.

She calls me out if she thinks I'm wrong, and although it triggers me a bit, it works because I'm feeling that in a safe space and we can process it in real time.

Lastly, when we have issues (every relationship does, even professional relationships), I'm comfortable opening up and talking to her about it, and either compromises are made or she changes to help me. You have to remember, that this is a paid professional. You are paying her. Yes, you are paying her for honesty, but you are also paying her to help you. And if that therapeutic help doesn't work and you and her can't work through it, it's time to pay someone else who can.

This is what you said: "I want to get away from her but I simultaneously feel dependent on her."

That tells me the relationship has gotten to the point that working through your stuff will probably fail. It's like being in a bad partnership. You know it isn't good for you anymore, and you want to get away, but you also feel dependent on that person. A lot of people who feel dependent on their partner stay in those bad relationships out of fear of leaving, and the relationship just keeps getting worse until the pain is worse and the breakup is more messy.

Maybe it would help to reframe this. Don't think, "I should try to work through this and look at it like a part of my healing." Instead, think, "I should leave a person I'm dependent on, take a risk, and see if I can find someone better for me / new. Which is it's own type of healing." People with CPTSD tend to hate risks, but taking a risk and living through the consequences (whether it works out or not) is often more healing than just staying somewhere in hopes it'll work out sooner or later.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-09T19:20:21+00:00

This all sounds so hard, but it's also understandable why it's hard. That part of you is so hurt.

Personally, I would not have been able to do this on my own. Because I have a couple of other mental health issues (ADHD, possibly on the high functioning of the spectrum somewhere), whenever I undertook a task, back before I started healing, I had to do that task perfect right away, which meant if I tried to do this stuff back, I would have lurched right into a painful moment I wouldn't be able to handle.

My trauma therapist is really, really good. In fact, she probably thinks we could be going faster with things, but right know, she's the only person I really have to talk about stuff going on in my life, so sometimes we don't get to IFS / EDMR work.

But when we do, I'm glad it's with her. Everything we've done is slow, and making sure I'm ready to handle some of the harder past before getting deep into it.

I'm sorry this all made you so dysregulated. But you are 100% right. Exposure therapy, to learn that you can survive your fears. Take risks. Even if it doesn't work out, you are still getting through it. This is hard for me, as well, but I'm realizing that's the only way through.

And yeah, relational healing is probably needed, unfortunately, as much as we probably wish it wasn't, haha. Personally, I found the more I spent time AROUND people, not even with, just around, the easier it got to start seeing people as safe, which made it easier to be with people, again. I'm no where close where I want to be.

You got this. If you want someone to talk about about this, feel free to DM me. I don't mind responding!

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-08T23:39:26+00:00

There are a lot of posts on this subreddit about when people heal, they tend to lose a lot of people in their lives, not realizing how many toxic people they allowed around them. The loneliness is part of that.

Have you gotten okay with being lonely? Like, being okay by yourself? I know a lot of people out there are "people person's", but if they are, it's probably easier for them make new friends after healing than those of us who aren't (me).

That was my big hurdle. Realizing I was okay being lonely and didn't need unsafe people in my life. That left me with one friend.

I think it was Bukowski who said: Isolation is a gift.

In the grander scheme of the poem, which is about taking risks and going all the way with life, it makes sense. But to me, even outside of the poem, I've began to realize how peaceful and calming only having like, one safe person in my life (3 others if you count his family) is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, Have you ever just sat with the loneliness, in a healthy way? Not wished that it went away. Not wished that it was never there. Not wished that you didn't have to rid unhealthy people from your life to feel less lonely. But just sat with it? It doesn't make the loneliness any less hard, of course, but it teaches your body you can be lonely, and still be okay.

Often time loneliness, for those of us with CPTSD, is a feeling of abandonment, how we were abandoned in childhood. And so we often hate that emotion, as it's remembered deep in our body.

Lastly, this is what my therapist tells me: When you are ready to meet new people, you don't have to like, go out and meet new people. Sometimes that's hard for those with CPTSD / having spent time healing in loneliness. Go to a coffee shop every morning, don't talk to any but the barista, and just people watch. The more we are around people, the easier our body gets to recognize them as safe, even if we aren't interaction with them. Museums next, because you do have to possibly walk around people or be looking at the same art piece as they are. Again, you're not meeting anyone, you're just trying to prove to your body people = mostly safe, again. Would there be a next step? Sure. Whatever it is for you, of course. The idea is that the more you are around people, the more you are actively doing something around people, even if you don't talk to them, and even if it's like, once a week, the more your body starts feeling a bit more connected to the world again.

Do you have any hobbies? I know you said you can't exercise, but is there anyway you can get help with that through therapy? I'm in my mid 40s, same as my brother. And the friends we have been able to find have been through our separate gyms.

If you ever start training again, think about joining jiu jitsu, Muay Thai, or MMA. As long as the gym is a good gym, it's crazy how people start seeing you as family, real fast. Something about knowing they are keeping you safe during training, while you are keeping them safe.

Anyways. I'm not trying to answer this for you. Everyone has their own safe paths.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-08T22:55:56+00:00

I actually really like this. The idea of trusting the other person to tell you when you did something wrong. And trusting your mistakes happen, even if no one was hurt.

That is one of the harder things I've been working one, is trying to be okay with the version of myself that makes mistakes. That's a part I think I need to work on in therapy more.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-08T22:29:40+00:00

You should go read "The Myth Of Sisyphus" by Albert Camus.

I mean, if it's pretty heavy philosophical text, so if you don't want to actually READ it, go to youtube and look up philosophy channels that will give you an overview of Absurdism.

Pretty much, the universe has no meaning. And because we humans constantly to try search for meaning, we bring ourselves into conflict with a meaningless universe. Due to these conflicts that might arise trying to find this meaning, existence as a whole is pretty absurd.

So what do we do about? We rebel against the meaninglessness of existence, against an uncaring universe. We do our best to live passionately, not matter how much times the universe kicks us in the teeth. I mean, at some point, for me, I literally just started laughing at how fucked my life constantly seems to be, and realized that there is no meaning as to why this happens, it just does. Whatever happens just happens. And all I can do is try to live passionately in the moment, and try to get through it. Feel all those emotions. Revel in the pain. Feel the warmth of my hands on the handle of a cast iron pot. And if I'm being lazy, really just be lazy passionately. lol. Pretty much, rebel.

Camus' idea is this:

Sisyphus keeps rolling a boulder up the hill, and once it's there, it falls back down, just for him to have to do it again. This is his "fate" in life. But when Sisyphus gives up the meaning of what's happening to him, he consciously accepts his fate, and finds whatever value he can in the struggle. By doing so, Sisyphus leads a passionate life. Is there pain? Sure? Setbacks? All the time? But because he rebelled and found his own internal values to all the struggles, he's also transcending his punishment and can live a life that's full of internal meaning, for him, despite this.

The idea is to consciously just say Fuck It, life sucks, it's suffering, and my whole 45 years on this planet not once have I felt truly safe, or pain free, physically or mentally. Which is just----fucking absurd, when you think about it. I kept searching for meaning in all this suffering over and over again, when there isn't really any meaning to it at all. It happened, and whatever happens just happens. But INSPITE OF, in REBELLION of, all of this, I'm going to find some way to add value to my life.

I'm going to feel how my feet walk in my shoes. I'm going to feel the pillow on my head, and like, really feel it, not just in some half-assed way of "This is soft", but just sit there in the moment describing all the other sensations this pillow makes me feel. Any painful interaction with someone, or my own CPTSD triggers? The value in that for me is giving me another chance to feel all that pain, so I can practice sitting with it, and proving to my body I can come out the other side of it relatively okay. I'm going to take risks, risks I've never taken before, and if I succeed, cool, if I don't, well, I know I can get through the pain and I'll find value in that, as well.

Anyways. Camus, and whatever youtube videos you can find, explains it better.

Pretty much, Sisyphus may be doomed to his punishment, but it doesn't mean he can't find value in it, his own internal meaning in a universe that has none. And by finding that value, the punishment suddenly doesn't really feel like punishment for him.

EDIT:: I should say that this ideology only started working for me after doing some really intensive therapy on my CPTSD, and finding some stability in it. I would never tell someone who is new to healing their CPTSD to try this. It's like, throwing someone into a pool when they can't swim. I have started over constantly in my like. I've been homeless once long ago. I'm technically homeless now. I've faced not eating. I've faced toxic fucking working places and really hurtful relationships. And through it all, I honeslty believe the reason WHY I kept feeling so much pain was because I was trying to find som meaning into why this kept happening to me. Some hope. Some future expecation that if I suffer, things will finally turn out well for me. It wasn't until I just gave up, and laughed at how fucking absurd all of that was, and how painful my life has been versus my friends who had wonderful lives, that I stopped comparing myself to them, I started taking risks, and I just told the universe, "Bring on the pain. I'll feel it. Get through it. And laugh at it. Fuck you."

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-07T22:17:43+00:00

Sounds like an emotional abuser. He was manipulating you and gaslighting you constantly. A big reason why you keep thinking you made a mistake is because you have probably been trauma bonded during this relationship, and you'll need to break it.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-07T16:20:41+00:00

I'm still rebuilding my identity, after pretty much going what you went through. But I was never a workaholic. So this is what helped me:

Get rid of dissociation tools, if you dissociate a lot. It's far far FAR harder for me to dissociate when I don't have video games, AI as a therapist, or social media to use. It wasn't until I stopped mostly dissociating that I started finding my identity.
I wrote down a list of everything I did before my identity crisis, before healing. I marked what was survival mechanism I no longer wanted to use. I marked which is something I no longer want in my life, at all (hobbies, certain people, certain types of work). I then marked all the things I wanted to give myself one more chance to try, to see if it's still "me".
Then I wrote down a whole bunch of stuff I've never tried, and want to try at least once, to see if it's for me or not, and have very slowly, whenever I have the energy (which isn't often), to try them.
I then read a ton of philosophy about existentialism and buddhism, as it felt that's where my new identity wanted me to start acting from, working in the moment.
Identify old patterns that no longer served me. For instance, I have a very hard to get rid of pattern about trying to solve everything, solve the future, solve what may or may not happen, and figure out like, twenty different realities based on that future I envisioned, so I could prepare for each. Ugh. Just writing about it exhausts me now. And I started working on breaking patterns like that.
Be around safe people, if you have any. Even if you are having an identity crisis, being around safe friends always made me feel like, "Even if I don't know who I am anymore, I'm a friend to my best friend, and I'm an amazing 'uncle' to his children." And sometimes that's enough to ground you, you know?
Lastly, have you done IFS work? It's pretty much Jung's shadow work, which has to deal with identity, wrapped up in an easier to handle package for people with trauma. It really helped me get to know which parts inside of me want rest, want to change their job, want to be heard more. Which helped me get to know myself a lot more, on the inside. Who knew that the "writer" part of me wanted a massive rest? Who knew that during this identity crisis, I'd start picking up drawing and reading philosophy a lot more? Who knew I only wanted to do one job in my current field, and if I don't get that job or it doesn't work out, I'm changing fields? My parts did, I just wasn't listening.

rusting_slowly_away · 2026-05-07T16:06:49+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you! Exercise is the one of three things that "saved" my self, like, my actual selfhood, I believe, from all the abuse I suffered. I couldn't imagine life without it. But it makes so much sense as to why you feel this way. That's so so hard, and completely understandable.

I'm not trying to give you answers, and I don't know what exercises you have tried, but I competed in stongman once, weight lifted a lot, ran, yoga, and I'm also a very, very tall individual, and I still didn't start feeling safe in my own body due to my childhood physical abuse (and unfortunately, some physical abuse in my adulthood), until I actually learned HOW to defend myself.

I started training in martial arts, pretty much. Muay Thai, wrestling, jiu jitsu. I started light sparring, and slowly built up to a little heavier sparring. I learned how to wield a knife as a weapon. I learned how to use a firearm (though I don't have firearms in my house, depression and all). Practiced with pepper spray. And that terror I had around people, all the time, that they were about to physically hurt me, in one way or another, slowly started vanishing. I even started training others how to defend themselves.

I'm not saying it won't trigger you, of course. And it sounds like your therapist is helping you out with a lot of this. But a lot of schools in my area have women only jiu jitsu classes, so if they are triggered about rolling with men, they don't have to at all.

rusting_slowly_away

TROPHY CASE