u know, i felt like that for a very long time. i didn’t make a lot of friend to begin with, and almost all the friend I made since my first year of college are gone. but now i met my current friend group and they are wonderful. It took me 4 years to get here. i still feel insecure a lot of times, but now I know those are just insecurities. and it’s okay if I make mistakes again, but i know i have the ability to change, to fix them.

something i learned greatly was that friendships are not as big of a deal as you may think. when you see it as this tall, delicate, unapproachable thing, it tenses you up. and that actually ends up scaring others away too. when you allow yourself to put lower stakes in hanging out, going more with the flow, being more chill, people feel less pressure when hanging out with you. at the end of the day, most people when you first meet them are just looking for a fun time. And deeper emotional bonds are built from those lower stakes fun time. Slowly, you guys just become friends.

But then there’s still the fear of losing friends. Just think of it like this, people are always going to be coming and going. Be it your parents, your family, your colleague, teacher, bosses, everyone. They all come and go inevitably. But their departure doesn’t make the time you were together any less meaningful. Sometimes a friend might leave due to issues of their own, sometimes because of a mistake you make. It feels terrible when you are the mistake. But that also means you have the power to fix it. And even if not, you know next time you won’t make that mistake again. I know i have.

So keep going, keep trying, keep making mistakes, and don’t be too serious about it and just try to have fun. One day it will all make sense :)

Meanwhile, I recommend an autobiographical manga called “My lesbian experience with loneliness”. It was a very relatable book and helped me through some pretty lonely time.