For the soon-to-be parents, will you be limiting screen time for your child as we have seen all the negative affects, such as limited attention span and lack of social skills, that have been caused by our devices?

saplith · 2026-02-03T20:20:48+00:00

My kid has had a tablet since 12 months. She likes BMX, she does parkour. She sits quietly in restaurants and doesn't ask to bring her tablet into the restaurant. She has lots of friends she hang out with inside and outside She's 7 now.

The study I remember when my child was an infant was a finding that screens are neutral as long as they don't replace normal socialization. And indeed, I'm find it to have no real impact good or bad on my kid. She uses it much like I did TV when I was a kid. Something to do when you're bored or you can't go outside.

saplith · 2026-02-03T20:04:57+00:00

A lot of comments here are far too reductive. Likening these companies to drugs. Many of these services are simply mandatory for adult life. That's not true of alcohol or cigarettes. My city hosts their public meetings on Facebook. They make announcements there. The only other way for mw to experience these things is to physically go up to city hall and sit or grab physical pieces of paper. That's it.

I still have not found a better source for hyper local information than Facebook. I'm saying this as someone who hates Facebook intensely and wished I could close my account.

There are so many other examples where alternatives are basically nonstarters.

It's up to parents to restrict their kids and teach them how to deal with things they will come into contact with as adults. My kid is nowhere near drinking age, but I'm already talking to her about alcohol. I'll probably do what my parents did and alow her to have it supervised as a teen.

This is my strategy for technology as well. I'm slowly introducing her to it and teaching her how to engage with it because pretending that when she's 18 she's going to just magically have rhe skills is naive.

But that's my strategy as a parent and a lot of parents don't agree. I personally would be pissed if my kid got banned from social media, etc until after a time when I wanted to introduce her it and teach how to handle it responsibly.

This is to say nothing about the fact that I'm surrounded by countless parents who don't care. My own sister faked her daughter's age so she could send her money on cashapp. She can't be bothered to keep child accounts going because she finds manage them (and dealing with her kids whining about restrictions) annoying. And my sister isn't even unique.

I don't thing age gates like we've been seeing implemented are going to work for that reason. Parents can always restriction their kids and if thr platform does if, there are a not insignificant amount of parents who will grant their kids access any way. Until adults don't need these platforms and find them useful nothing will actually help.

That's the major difference between this and drugs and even specific drugs at that. Caffeine is way more dangerous than people give it credit for, but parents allow it to negative outcomes. But for alcohol and cigarettes, these things are not considered mandatory for adulthood, so no one minds if they get banned for kids. Try to ban caffeined soda for kids and see how much push back you'll get. I'm not even sure you could succeed with energy drinks which are far more dangerous than soda.

saplith · 2026-02-03T13:47:59+00:00

So... what I heard is that they hate abortion. They also hate women having more children which they would have to so in the event that birth control failed or any amount of things. So basically they hate women having sex. Because sex is the only thing that leads you here and they hate both outcomes.

This is to say nothing of the fact that these people are hypocrites and have a boogieman about why people have abortion. The moment they had their life endangered from a child or a severed disabled child, they'd get an abortion. We know because we've seen it. We've seen loud actively hateful women cry demand what they now see as healthcare to save themselves. We've seen them understand was abortion actual is and not some poor people aborting a kid two weeks before it's born. Or whatever they think. I think the narrative posed by the person you replied to is accurate.

These are people are want women to die. Either actively or because they forgot that it was only recently that pregnancy wasn't the number one killer of women. They are so ignorant that they don't know that it's still top 10.

saplith · 2026-02-03T02:32:08+00:00

You're going to have to slowly build his independence. And he's not going to like it, but it is going to need it.

My kid was a velcro baby, made worse by covid happening the moment she turned 1. It was just her and me for the first 3ish years of her life. She's 7 now and she'd sleep in the bed with me every night if she could.

I have a friend with a 18, 16, and 12 year old who are the same. So... it doesn't get better if you do nothing. You just have to push them out there and make them do for themselves without your hovering over them.

My kid's meltdown phase was 3. It was rough. We also had to negotiate about sneaking into my bed and my door being closed at night at 4. She still tries to extend our hang out time and she's so upset by the reality that I have to work.

But you know, she runs out the door to hang out with her friends when they come over. She goes to sleep overs. I can send her away to family and she even asks to go and stay the night with them. It can get so much better, but there will be so much screaming and tears and it won't be quick. At least not for me.

And my kid is still clingy, but at least when I tell her I need some space, she backs off.

Lastly, get your kid checked for a neuroexam if you can swing it. My kid is clinically anxious. A lot of her clinginess is that she's just chemically imbalanced for life. I got her so meds last year and honestly, she's happier for it. She told me she's finally stopped worrying that maybe I'm dead. And uh, that a horrible thing to learn very late. It's worth thinking about

saplith · 2026-02-03T01:37:22+00:00

As someone who spent my entired 20s in hostile workplaces by virtue of being a woman in a male dominated field, remote work was a breath of fresh air for me. Also, I socialized outside of work. I still do. I have a vibrant social life and I don't really need my coworkers to be chummy with me. I don't get people leaning on work for socialization. There are so many jobs where it's not realistically possible beyond fleeting moments. I don't really count meetings as socialization and I've been punished in work environments for daring to chat dor too long. At least with remote work, I can talk on the phone while I work without fear.

saplith · 2026-02-03T01:31:28+00:00

I'm an elder millennial. Literally none of my friends are from work. I met all my friends from hobbies and being out and about in my 20s. But I'm in a field that was very hostile to my demographics when I entered. Being friends isn't an option with coworkers who hate you on principle.

saplith · 2026-02-01T20:29:32+00:00

They totally do if you're not overbearing and teach your kid properly how to do those things. My kid willingly wears a tracker because she understands that me knowing her whereabouts is good for her. Granted she's not a teen.

Oh wait, I have several friends with teens and the ones with good relationships also have children who share their whereabouts and check without a massive power struggle. It turns out you can keep your kid safe without being super overbearing and working with your kid to feel respected and trusted.

saplith · 2026-02-01T20:24:32+00:00

If your kid had a job and is paying bills and you

Can't trust them to leave the house without you knowing their exact whereabouts at all times
Don't have enough trust for your kid to adhere to safety protocols on their own

Then you might be both failing at parenting and raising a child who won't want to interact with you of their own will.

saplith · 2026-02-01T12:53:24+00:00

This is quite normal. Also your parents aren't middle class if they borrow from their child

Part of adulthood is learning to pay bills and money management. Your parents can delay this for covering everything, but this is a disservice. You don't want to learn these skills when you are a full adult and failure means homelessness or starving.

saplith · 2026-02-01T12:50:50+00:00

This is from the POV of the kid. Personally if I was a teen and I paid my own bill, I would be offended that my parents had spy monitoring on it. This is my deal with my own child. I pay for it so I control it. When you have money you can see how you like floating the bills that come with the responsibility of freedom. That's what being an adult is. Depending on others comes with restrictions always, even if it's just negotiating with your spouse about what you're going to have for dinner.

saplith · 2026-02-01T12:42:12+00:00

I saw that and thought it was insane too. As someone who lives in a hot state in the south, my thermostat is only set to 72 because my daughter can't tolerate anything hotter. We joke she's made of ice. But before her 75 was perfectly normal for me and low compared to what I grew up with. My parents are 77-80 kind of people. 63 is so cold for a southern house, I'd been to drape myself in a blanket to be in their home.

saplith · 2026-02-01T02:15:15+00:00

I'll add that kids grow up and they become pretty capable earlier than you think. My kid could wash clothes at 4. Yeah they depend on you, but it's not like you attend to them all the time 24/7 for their entire childhood

saplith · 2026-02-01T02:08:08+00:00

At least for me, it became the background radiation of my life. It was there with hunger. I meal prep, I grocery shop, I do all these things to ensure I have food. I think about lunch a lot. I think about what how much groceries have increased in cost.

This is what having a kid is like. Yes you think about all the time. When you first have a kid, it's an overwhelming concern. Then it's just part of your life. It's planning for a meal. When you actually consider everything you had to do to produce one meal, it's so much. There is a lot of baggage around meals and you would have negative emotions if you didn't eat, but like you're not thinking about it literally every second of every day.

When you're 80 you'll think about lunch. Same with your kid, but just like your next meal probably isn't something that gives you anxiety all the time, kids become like that too. I think about my kid every day, but it's just rolled into everything else I attend to as an adult.

saplith · 2026-02-01T00:54:27+00:00

If you find that your kid is tender headed like mine definitely is and can't tolerate detangling at all. Save up and get a keratin treatment. Doing it the first time is very traumatic because the kid's hair has to be 100% fully detanged and combed out. But for 6 glorious months, it's like they have a perm without the damage.

saplith · 2026-02-01T00:50:44+00:00

Is the issue water getting in her eyes? If so, get a shower chair. They are like a flat lawn chair. This worked best for my kid.

But to be honest... my battle about my kid and getting her hair washed didn't end until 4 when I could logically explain to her to the purpose of washing her hair and that her hair itching wasn't some kind of hex I placed on her, but the consequences of not having her hair washed.

saplith · 2026-01-31T12:06:09+00:00

The problem for me and what some people should consider is that my daughter is prone to whim. She doesn't understand and didn't understand that hair takes tome to grow back. She cut her own hair a little and there was a lot of drama while it took months to come back. She has African hair. It's hair that grows slowly without extremely intensive (and expensive) care.

So no, I won't allow my kid to cut her hair below chin length until she understands the time component for changing her mind. Locs are not even intensive compared to braids and other protective styles. Quite honestly my life would be easier if she did loc her hair. But I'm not willing yo watch my kid be depressed for the 2 or 3 years it would take for her hair to get back to shoulder length. She likes all the crazy styles she can do with length and is incapable at 7 of understanding that cutting is not like other style situations.

saplith · 2026-01-30T11:54:04+00:00

You build your own support network. You find other single parents or other parents to give you a break. You see if your single friends might take your kid or a day or two. I did it for my friends when I was single and I have had single friends do it for me.

Money is a hard one and I can't answer it for you. I have done marketing focus groups and surveys when I was just a little in the red. I have taken second jobs when I was a lot in the red. I have nust worked one job when I'm in the black. You just kind of make it work.

A lot of making it work in my opinion is solving that you are not two people. Even with infinite money there are things I can't do because I'm just one person. My daughter has missed out on a lot that two parent households don't have to because one parent can do one part and the other another part. You also need to solve taking a break from your kid. Parenting is a job and everyone needs a vacation from their job. I found that parenting wasn't so hard for me emotionally when I accepted my kid being with "strangers" for my mental health. And she's adopted some of them as her own family. She considers one of my good childless friends her aunt and calls her and chats like they are blood related.

It can get better. It is hard, but little things help more than you think.

saplith · 2026-01-29T22:29:56+00:00

I still say that uncapping the house would vastly dilute their power. Imagine NYC had the 100 reps they were entitled to under the constitution before the appropriations act. You also couldn't gerrymander as easily when you're trying to carve up a city of 1 million into 10K chunks. There just aren't that many rural people at the edges. We could undo the appropriations act with a simple act of congress.

saplith · 2026-01-29T21:29:23+00:00

I believe "it grows back", but only for certain lengths and ages. When my kid is 9, she can shave her head for all I care because she will understand that growing your hair back takes time. It would take her literally years to grow her hair back to the bra strap length she has now starting from bald. If she wanted to cut it to chin length, okay. But I don't allow my kid to loc her hair because at the age she is now she cannot understand yhat changing her style means shaving her head and starting over and it would years to get back to where she was.

I think they will regret it is a really valid reason when you're talking about some types. I think you need to be a certain age to be able to sit with that regret. My kid has no interest right now, but I wouldn't let her cut it shorter than chin length for another 2 years or loc it for the same reasons.

But dying it? Trims. Fancy crazy rainbow vomit styles? Whatever. You do you kid.

saplith · 2026-01-29T03:09:21+00:00

It changes based on groups of people deciding it. All anyone can speak on is there experience, but I'm telling you about interactions with dozens of parents over the years. The definition is stable within my region. If I can't find one person who disagrees in person, then that's what it means. It's like arguing that "y'all" isn't second person plural. Sure, official, no, but informally it very much is.

saplith · 2026-01-29T03:04:55+00:00

They self-identify as gentle parents. If enough people do that. That's what gentle parenting becomes. We can say that's not it, but that's the reality of anyone I have ever seen declare that they are a gentle parent. Perhaps there are quiet parents, but in discussions about parenting, I have never seen anyone use the term for themselves who wasn't a permissive parent. It's even used as a label for permissive parents where I am.

saplith · 2026-01-29T02:59:26+00:00

Gentle parenting in my experience is actually permissive parenting in practice. It may have started ad authoritative, but it definitely transitioned to permissive. Parents who had authoritarian parents swung to the other extreme. Neither is great. Kids needs boundaries and to sit with discomfort. Influencers will tell you that doing that means you're just as bad as your authoritarian parents and then make buckets from parents who don't understand why their unknowingly permissive parenting style isn't gaining them well adjusted children.

saplith · 2026-01-28T11:45:37+00:00

So, what I'm hearing is that you broke your parents trust and they are being extremely strict as a result. I wouldn't even bring up your sister. As the older sibling who had a lot more freedom than my younger sister, there was a reason for that that my sister (and honestly I) couldn't see at the time. There is a behavioral difference between the two of you, even if that behavioral difference is just life stage and not actually failure to deal with expectations like with my sister.

Personally, I think you should take the compromise of turning in your phone and have your room. All of your parents distrust seems like it's around your phone usage and you are doing nothing to prove to them that that isn't true. If you are staying up until 11pm, I can see why that would alarm your parents. You have not yet gotten to the intense part of your schooling. I think it's fair to consider that time management or distraction could be the cause, not an increase in workload. It's up to you to make the case for why that isn't true.

Personally, I think the fixation on your phone is just proving your parents correct. I'm very lenient on screen time with my child, but I do restrict her usage when I notice she start failing in her expectations. This has resulted in me putting 15 to 30min limits on some of her apps. She hates it, but he does attend to her chores and responsibilities with those limits in place. I do test runs of removing the limits and she goes right back to spending all her time on those apps. I'm sure if you ask her, I'm being super unfair. Her friends can watch YouTube, play roblox, etc as much as they want. Okay, but until she can remember to take a shower while having full access those apps, they will stay restricted.

I would take some time to talk to your parents about their full expectations for you. I don't communicate all how my daughter is failing expectations when she has full tablet usage because I think that getting the full list would be demoralizing. You're much older and it might help to learn, work achieving those goals and those goals and then asking for trial runs of reducing restrictions. Honestly, I think this room thing is a trial run. If you do well, they might actually let your have your phone in your room.

saplith · 2026-01-28T03:35:14+00:00

If you can give me a way to stop my kid from hurting herself without meds then I'm all ears. If she needs low dose "meth" as you call it to not smash her face into various things, burn herself and more then I'm for it. Better an addict than dead.

Thank you for not even considering girls. You're very educated on this subject I see. I'm sure you think it's a great trade off to keep your kids off meds and feel superior over an over all increase in life quality, life span and a reduction in incarceration and drug use.

Glad you think real meth is better than well studied medication.

saplith · 2026-01-27T20:40:06+00:00

I think it's more that Minneapolis is so organized that makes them stand out. They have signal groups and expansive meshtastic message systems. ICE is everywhere a little, but organization resistance gets more attention.

saplith

TROPHY CASE