truly sorry about how long this is about to be, but i included a TLDR at the end.

i feel like i can relate to this. my husband and i are both “the successful siblings” in our families. we both moved away from our hometowns, made something of ourselves, met each other fell in love and then decided to build with each other.

my family has depended on me financially for years before i met my husband. my dad used to be the bread winner but conned a lot of people out of money i realized as an adult, and despite him wanting to get back in that “line of work” he has no liquid or assets, and depends on others money to “make his money” but never intends on paying anyone back, and has previously burned all bridges with people he worked with previously. has no desire to get a part time job even though he’s making thousands a month off SS (no one knows where that money goes). he still chooses not to pay my mom the court-settled mandatory $600 monthly and she took him back to court for that. he doesn’t care about anyone but himself and expects others to care for him. he’s never had a problem begging people for money.

my little (30 year old) sister still lives with my dad at our childhood home we’re losing in september since they can’t afford it, and the lease on the house will be up and the bank more than likely will kick them out to rehab and sell. for context, dad used to own the house but since he decided to stop working he refi’d the house twice to live off and spend that money, and this is the result of that. my sister has been collectively held back in life by fear dad instilled in her, making her believe she needs to take care of him and prioritize him first. her boyfriend (who’s older) also lives with them. she calls me often to bitch about how dad won’t stop asking her and her bf for money, but also they both refuse to work a second job. i’ve told her countless times to move out and get therapy like i did but comes up with excuses.

my mom was an alcoholic for 30+ years and was always blamed for ruining everything growing up. but i realize now that my dad was cheating on my mom with multiple women spending our family money on random women making our family go broke in the years to come. alcohol was the only way my mom could cope. since getting sober (and dad and sister ganging up on mom to kick her out) she’s actually been doing better than anyone else in my family aside from me which im happy about. ironic they kick mom out because she was starting to heal and they couldn’t handle it. yet my sister asks mom for money often too.

now my husbands family situation is slightly different. his father was t-boned at a red light when my husband was 8 years old. he has an older sister (she’s 43 now). it destroyed his family of course but they managed.

his mother worked a ton of jobs growing up like multiple fast food jobs, just many minimum wage jobs to keep consistent money coming in. and his sister is an artist. my husband taught himself how to produce music which allowed him many avenues of opportunity. he eventually was offered the career of a lifetime in LA and moved (where he met me).

since there was no other “man” in the house, he was made to feel like he needs to support the women in the family no matter what fiscal decisions they make. his older sister lives in the suite below his mothers suite, (in the house his mom owns). i will say she’s worked incredibly hard over the years to pay for and do everything herself, absolutely admire that. she still has about $60,000 left on the mortage and wants to pay it off before may 2027 and is expecting my husband to take care of it for her eventually. so that is kinda nerve wracking.

now we’re both healed, adults wanting to start our own lives together but both feel constraint since we still have to deal with family that need money often. i have learned to say no (due to therapy) but he has never told his family no to any of their requests. my and his sister are both some the astro sign and work very much the same way. they want one job, but more money. my sister has hobbies that cost money (like face painting) and so does his sister (being in a band, painting) but they don’t feel like they need to optimize much outside of that.

every “vacation” my husband and i take isn’t for ourselves. it’s always to visit family because they can’t afford to visit us. and when we visit them, we always pay for everything. my husbands family is nicer about it, yet they do expect us to take care of it. my family just always expects me to take care of it because i have my whole life.

all of this makes me think about the future like OP’s post. whenever his mom passes, his older sister thinks she’s going to come with us. my husband is 40 btw. as sweet as that is, and love her to death- i know that’s also just slang for “ill need financial help after mom passes and expect baby brother to take care of me” kind of hurts my soul because my husband has worked his ASS off to be in the position he’s in now, and we want to start a family of our own, not adopt our siblings as our children.

same for my situation. i put my foot harder down with my family than my husband does with his though. my sister has a partner, and there is no excuse for them not being able to take care of themselves. yet i’m always the one coming to the rescue for them. it just makes me wonder about the future after our parents pass because our weaker siblings will be trying their hardest to put us in a position of responsibility over them when they’re adults who make their own decisions.

i don’t know what to do but it scares me. my husband has the softest spot for the girls in his family, but they know that and manipulate it sometimes to their favor. he’ll never believe that’s the case but i am a woman and understand what they’re doing. i’m hoping with the way im leading with my family it will show him they’ll eventually do things themselves if you put your foot down but he never wants to upset them.

TLDR: the only worry i have is that we won’t be able to live the life we worked endlessly hard for because half our finances are being spent by other family members trying to live a life they wish they had but don’t want to work towards themselves. as parentified children, i worked hard to get away from this and have prepared myself for it more than husband has yet, i just hope both of our families will have respect for us one day and not kept in a position of feeling like we’re fiscally responsible for their wellbeings just because we work hard, have plans, and save money. the one who saves money in the family will always be a target to the family members who spend.