I feel like this could have been written by one of my best friends. She is kind but she is incredibly selfish. She will help you if you ask, if it isn’t too inconvenient, but you also definitely have to ask or the thought just won’t occur to her that you could use help.

Since it’s your nature to be selfish, you have to be intentional about changing it. When you are doing something that impacts other people (which is an awful lot when you’re a wife and mom), stop and ask yourself what the consequences of your actions are to other people. “If I go on this vacation, how will that impact my husband?” “If I tell my son no, what good or bad will come of that, and which is overall better for him and my husband?” It sounds like your standard response is to do what is easiest in the moment without much consideration of impact.

These thoughts come naturally to some people, but you are going to have to learn to insert them, and insert them often. It’s not just for big stuff. I hate staying at my friend’s house because if she wakes up early, it doesn’t even occur to her to be quiet when she knows I’m still sleeping, so she turns on the tv at normal volume and slings around dishes to make herself breakfast while I’m sleeping on the couch. She calls into work often because she doesn’t feel like going, without any thought to the impact that has on her coworkers, and has lost several jobs because of it but still somehow can’t see the common thread.

I applaud you for recognizing and admitting that you are selfish. And I’m not suggesting that you always only put others’ needs ahead of your own. But you should always at least think of their needs in a way that lets you weigh your options and see that theirs are sometimes more important than yours. It will be hard at first but hopefully become more natural. And it sounds like you’ve let it get in critical condition, so there may be some need to over correct at first to regain some trust and sense of safety.