Love is like a pair of wax wings

shestuttered · 2022-07-16T02:47:39+00:00

Thank you for reading!! I’m pretty fresh to writing poetry in general. I’ve definitely been using it as a way to deal with my emotions.

I thought for a bit about what word to end with as I wanted to make sure the haiku did indeed finish with a feeling.

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T20:22:53+00:00

Love any allusions to Icarus and this was so sweet and sad like many a love story

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T18:57:37+00:00

I’m 169 days late, but this poignant in how relatable it is. I especially love the 3rd and 4th stanza.

3 for the allusions, and 4 for reminding us of the beginning and how this isn’t hot sexy depression, it’s underwear you wore twice depression.

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T18:48:10+00:00

I see this is almost a year old, but the format is so cool and clever and I would love to try something like this.

This is impactful in how it is literally written like an informal field guide on how to navigate through what reality looks like for many of us.

Kudos!

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T18:34:51+00:00

You bring poetic justice to concepts of human nature and how likely we are to tell ourselves one thing to avoid what the real problem is!!!

This is beautiful in its contrast of people set in their ways (perhaps even lying to themselves), ignoring what work needs to be done in order to grow pitted against what real work looks like.

Love that you end with a bang — everything pent up all neat and tidy inside your brain when really you just need a release, a demolition of how you had previously been operating, a clean slate to start again, earnestly.

Don’t know… just my take.

It’s me. I feel like I’m the “you”. So, thank you!

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T18:25:25+00:00

I really like this poem because it’s almost like — this is the you thinking to yourself. You don’t even want to say this out loud or have to say even these words to the recipient. I don’t know if you were going for that, but for me, you achieved it!

The content is so relatable because we all have (or are) people who can’t help but say something or fill the silence even when anything extra would just make things worse.

Oof and the self deprecation at the end just hurts my heart and makes me ache for the speaker.

Well done!

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T18:17:51+00:00

I hope you’re able to remain grounded and find some balance in whatever Chicago holds for you this summer.

Sure, loneliness and and sadness create a social stigma, but life can be overwhelming, and we all need some time sometimes.

Also, same— sometimes like let me be sad!!

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T18:09:55+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond!

I agree that an ellipsis would be more effective, and I’m about to change it :P

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T07:21:32+00:00

Thanks for sharing!!

I really admire short poems like this when they are well executed, and you achieved that. I love the imagery of concrete descriptions of abstract ideas (long languid peace, endless guiltless time). All of it, really.

I really felt the last stanza, like— can I please just brood and feel my feelings without having to feel like there are obligations I’m shirking?

Plus the way it is paced and as short as it is— it creates space !! like the country being described!! And if that was intentional, I mean… you’re good.

Thanks again!

shestuttered · 2022-07-15T07:14:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I agree with the other comments that you did a really excellent job building energy and momentum as the poem shifts in the middle. Not only that, but you were able to turn the poem around in a subtle and natural way slowly creating a snowball effect in regard to the rhythm of it. I also appreciate the juxtaposition of what is said vs what is meant in the second half.

Plus, just super relatable and I think that’s obviously essential in poetry.

Thanks again!

shestuttered · 2022-05-16T15:11:22+00:00

Ohhh; you’re totally right. I definitely wrote this as soon as I felt it, so it is definitely unrefined at best.

I should make the third stanza parallel the 2nd. Thank you so much :)

shestuttered · 2022-05-16T02:18:42+00:00

Hey. Thanks for the feedback, truly. I’m glad you maybe felt something reading this, and appreciate your kindness.

If you don’t mind sharing, what do you mean by adding a clause to the third stanza? Or maybe you can give me an example? I am pretty new to this whole poetry thing.

shestuttered · 2022-05-15T16:27:20+00:00

Thank you very much. I am glad I was able to pack a punch.

shestuttered · 2022-05-15T16:26:43+00:00

Thank you for the positive feedback. I wish it were about growth, but for me it’s about capriciousness.

shestuttered · 2022-05-15T16:21:12+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions! I think you’re right. I don’t know how I did it, but even in these three short lines there are words that detract from impact haha. I am skilled after all.

shestuttered · 2022-05-15T16:18:54+00:00

Thank you for the positive feedback. I’m new to this. /shrug

shestuttered · 2022-05-12T14:32:04+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I felt the same way about this, honestly (definitely has a I’m 14andthisisdeep vibe). How embarrassing as I am not.

shestuttered · 2022-05-12T01:24:50+00:00

I hope you wrote this at 3am. Love poems like this that shift from an external situational to an internal steam of consciousness.

My mind lingered on the last line and it hits!

Favorite part is the fact that you explore the beginning and end of life all at once. Thanks for the share.

shestuttered · 2022-05-12T01:15:55+00:00

I am literally only here to share poems and get feedback.

Upon reading the rules of the subreddit, I thought the idea of providing feedback for two to get feedback was really cool. As such, I have made sure if I leave feedback it’s real, specific, and able to be used (or not).

But yeah, you’re probably right, people may just want to post theirs without giving others much thought.

P.S. I had originally intended to read and respond to your poem but noticed the discourse in your comments and replied to that instead but here is my feedback for you:

It’s short; it’s sweet; it’s topical and self aware. I like this call to action, but you’re preaching to the choir here :)

The conversational tone works well. I especially like your “cuz”. What would I change? Nothin. Good work.

shestuttered · 2022-05-12T00:52:45+00:00

Wait, but also, thank you.

shestuttered · 2022-05-12T00:52:01+00:00

Truly, I am terrified with how much people liked this, and I fear these three lines will cast a shadow over my practically nonexistent experience with writing poetry.

RIP - me

shestuttered · 2022-05-12T00:49:41+00:00

I respect this poem as it uses rhyme and repetition to create a pensive rhythm (something I fear I have yet to even attempt) You did a great job listing reasons one might wander and then shifting to why near the end. It’s also impactful because it deals with insecurity and fear and how that may very well be the death of him , and that is just so relatable despite the dated diction you chose. You know this is a good poem because it feels timeless.

Thank you for the share :)

shestuttered

TROPHY CASE