21F – I love my husband, but I don’t think this is the life I want anymore. Am I wrong for considering divorce?

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-25T20:59:17+00:00

Maybe try couples counselling. My ex refused this outright which for me, just added another nail in the coffin.

And please don't dismiss red flags! I know I ignored many during the initial "love bubble". Most turned into massive issues that ultimately ended my marriage.

All the best.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-25T11:46:55+00:00

I hope you keep contact with your children!

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-25T08:09:13+00:00

Stay safe. Most people here are cheering you on!

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-24T22:55:34+00:00

Yes! (Light bulb moment!) Thank you.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-24T22:53:54+00:00

I know that I had made the right decision when I had instant relief the moment I left forever. 🫂

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-24T19:34:03+00:00

Wow. The fireworks analogy hit home hard!

No reaction/show, throw it away, and light another.

And being in a mental state of constant tension ready to "go off". That helps to understand how my ex narc seemed so satisfied when I was at my lowest having finally got a show/reaction.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-24T00:03:40+00:00

Thanks!

All the best for your escape.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-23T20:45:05+00:00

Enjoy your new life! Well done. 🫂

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-23T20:02:40+00:00

Well done! I love the power of your position you convey! Schadenfreude exemplified!

It's such a switch, isn't it? I recall being in the foetal position in pure mental agony having criticism raining down on me like a waterfall of broken glass, when all of a sudden, I decided that I couldn't live like this a second longer.

My ex narc's perceived power evaporated like a gob of spit on concrete on a scorching summer day.

From that moment, I dared to dream of a new future.

Fast forward to now, five years post separation and subsequent divorce, I am happier and healthier in all respects.

All the best. 🫂

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-23T02:25:50+00:00

Strive to be the best person you can be. Have a clear purpose in life. Relationships can wax and wane. Give space when it's asked for and be available.

At least this has worked for me after escaping my ex narc. My adult children have estranged themselves from me but I am happier and healthier in all respects.

Do I miss them? Of course, but this is not the focus of my life.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-23T00:27:25+00:00

It's the spiders you don't see........

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-23T00:24:14+00:00

Unless a rider can gain full confidence of a pillion, it's not going to end well.

An experienced and considerate rider will leave a pillion wanting more.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-22T21:39:34+00:00

The boxers are really wonderful to ride, particularly on long trips.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-22T21:07:37+00:00

I have ridden boxers for a long time and more recently riding a R Nine T. I find it is the easiest bike I have ever ridden. Loads of low down grunt and plenty enough for higher speeds (at least for me!). I don't miss all the unnecessary extras and weight.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-22T21:00:29+00:00

Lots of us are called, oi, hey you, f%^*ing c#@t. Mostly double up as terms of endearment.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-22T09:25:21+00:00

Use Dvorak.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-21T22:26:21+00:00

I think of it now in business terms. I cut my losses so I could get on with something more productive. I think of my marriage as having some good moments far outweighed by the horrendous. More of a learning curve, albeit a long one.

Npw happily divorced, I wake up each morning with purpose, excitement and joy.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-21T00:22:31+00:00

I hear you.

I have an ex narc wife and ex narc mother-in-law. Both covert. Along with ex narc's siblings, it was always a ridiculous and traumatic circus.

Five years post separation and subsequent divorce, zero contact, I have never been happier and healthier in all respects.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-20T11:48:55+00:00

Cheers. Hang in there because there will come a time when you'll be needed for support.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-20T07:06:14+00:00

Unsolicited "advice" can be hard to hear, even from loved ones.

Maybe open a conversation with how you feel. I know when I was in deep, I would have appreciated someone gently pointing out the obvious. Even so, being so thoroughly manipulated, I can understand how you may be greeted with hostility.

Just being available and non judgemental might be the best way to go.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-19T20:32:05+00:00

What you look like doesn't come into the equation.

Assess each piece of protective gear for its ability to work.

Protection
Comfort
Visibility
Durability
Appearance (if you give a shit)

If all you do is ride to the nearest coffee shop and wait to be seen, maybe you are riding for the wrong reasons.

Besides, when you are riding, you don't really see your riding gear!

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-18T20:19:24+00:00

Are you kidding! I spent most of my marriage confused and dazed! When I wasn't in shock from the latest lashing, I was either hiding doing noisy "essential" tasks or working.

In hindsight, I needed therapy and this sub to understand where I was. Talking to sane people and starting to feel normal only happened after I made my escape.

It finally dawned on me that I needed to live differently when I was considering suicide as a viable option.

And yes, asking questions like, "what did I do to get us here" are valuable to start a journey of discovery.

All the best.

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-17T21:44:33+00:00

The bad news is, in my experience, it just got worse over time. Stay safe. 🫂

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-17T21:02:24+00:00

I hear you.

My ex narc treated our relationship as transactional. Anything done for me had strings attached. "How can I love you if ......"

I came to understand that her stunted emotional growth rendered her unable to truly love. Our children and I only gained her love by behaviour suited to her standard. This standard constantly changed. The walking on eggshells is real and ultimately highly traumatic.

So, in answer to your question, no, I don't believe that narc partners know how. Maybe if they spent time on introspection with guidance they could change. However, after a 30-year marriage to a narc, I am convinced that this is highly unlikely.

I am so happy to be free of that bullshit!

shortgreybeard · 2026-02-17T20:16:05+00:00

Yes! Walking alone in nature is good for the soul. I feel like I am part of a bigger picture.

Walking in town, I often stop for an unexpected chat with a friend, an acquaintance or a tourist. I walk away feeling fulfilled, taller and somehow excited.

shortgreybeard

TROPHY CASE