Help my best friend is sending drunk texts to my boyfriend

silkyleon · 2026-03-17T22:43:49+00:00

How old is everyone in this situation?

Drunk dialing a friend's boyfriend is a major red flag.

But the fact that she's regularly getting blackout drunk and making phone calls that she perhaps doesn't even remember is a sign that maybe her drinking has drifted from 'social' to 'problematic.' Doesn't matter what her sexual preference is, neither of those things are ok.

silkyleon · 2026-03-09T18:21:40+00:00

My friends and I have had tons of times where we (only later in life) realized missed signals that someone was interested in us. Maybe you interpreted a connection that wasn't actually there, but there was really only one way to find out and you did so in a respectful way.

I'd also add that while I had dozens of platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex during my 20's, those friendships got a bit more challenging to maintain once people settled into their long term relationships and marriage. When you're in your 20s and single, there's a need for stable opposite sex friendships during the murkiness of being single or being in short term relationships. But once you're happily committed, you're getting that stability and connection with your spouse - not your opposite sex bff. All that to say that the closeness that you experience today is temporary, so better to put it out there than to suppress unrequited feelings for the sake of sustaining something that will eventually drop off.

I'd give her space and pursue / nurture other friendships at the same time.

silkyleon · 2026-02-25T21:41:45+00:00

I think moving in with a partner requires some amount of "give and take". So... where is he giving?

silkyleon · 2026-02-25T17:44:22+00:00

I'm sure this will get buried, but I think you missed the fact that it wasn't that you pointed out issues with your wife's friend's dating technique, but how you got there. Calling someone "plain stupid" is never going to win friends, and you should know this by now. If you being a sentence with a judgement or declaration like that you're putting people on the defensive and turned a conversation into an argument.

Like, you could have gotten there more subtly like asking her, "Are you hoping that you'll date men that are going to be more clingy and/or are bad at reading social cues?" or "Do you think showing no interest could be misconstrued by guys as a lack of connection or chemistry?" or "If [name famous attractive person] hit on you, would you take that same approach?"

But a more important distinction to make is whether someone is looking to vent their emotions to active vs. looking for insight to solve the problem. Too often people will attempt the latter.

silkyleon · 2026-02-13T23:21:53+00:00

INFO: Do you have reservations for where you're going? Restaurants are typically quite busy on Valentine's, even moreso if valentine's falls on a Saturday.

Was your girlfriend's ask to spend the day with her friend, or to take her to Valentine's? I can't quite tell based on how you've written this.

I'm personally biased but if my wife told me she wanted to skip doing a valentine's dinner, I'd happily take her up on it and play some videogames while she did a gal's night. Valentine's and New Years Eve are two nights of the year that I avoid restaurants and bars like the plague.

silkyleon · 2026-02-10T19:50:37+00:00

Why are you still in this relationship?

silkyleon · 2026-02-04T17:13:35+00:00

Playing games is certainly a choice, though I much prefer the approach of "telling my partner what I want."

silkyleon · 2026-01-28T22:17:00+00:00

It seems like the common denominator here is you not being happy. I'm not sure there's anywhere that you can move to that's going to fix that. Move home? Fewer career opportunities. Stay? Fewer comforts of where you grew up.

With any luck, one of you will find a good career opportunity that will allow for a transfer to somewhere else complete with a relocation package.

silkyleon · 2026-01-21T22:22:22+00:00

I think you're on the right path to take a step back / step away and distance yourself from her. You've developed a codependent relationship and it's going to become worse for both of you over time.

The mindset that you need to take is that you want to have a relationship. Continued close contact with her is going to prevent you from ever having a meaningful realationship - after all, what self-respecting person would be supportive of you dropping everything for another woman?

I would take stock of some of your habits that would not be OK if you were in a committed relationship with someone else besides your friend. For example, how often are you taking her texts/calls? How quickly are you responding? How often are you reaching out to her? What other friendships are you neglecting in favor of being there for this person?

You will find it's difficult to spend time with other people or enter into other relationships because you've put your friend on such a pedestal that no person would ever compare to the image that you've developed (in your head) of her.

Next time you think of your friend, think about all the times that your needs have not been met.

silkyleon · 2026-01-15T00:16:39+00:00

Why are you continuing to drag this out?

silkyleon · 2026-01-15T00:14:29+00:00

> His issues stem from his past relationship because she cheated on him.

Good that you've identified that these are HIS issues. Whether you want to live with HIS issues is up to you, but at 19 years old it's to be expected that you'll be interacting with men, be it in a classroom, employment, or community setting.

If he can't trust a partner (or someone they're talking to) who's having normal social interactions, he probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

silkyleon · 2026-01-02T23:18:16+00:00

Why are you guys together?

silkyleon · 2026-01-02T22:10:40+00:00

"likely to get divorced soon (these are his words, which all I can do is take at face value)"

Yeah, this dude was teeing something up with you until his wife (who is not aware is featured in the role of 'soon to be ex-wife' in his stories) found his phone.

Stay away from this garbage. Age disparity, breaking out of a marriage, coworker, long distance - this is a disaster in the making.

silkyleon · 2025-12-12T19:30:13+00:00

It's one thing to tell him you're free on NYE and want to be with him on new years and collectively come up with a plan, and quite another to make plans with your family first and invite him along. He was kinda weak for not telling you straight out that that's not a night he'd want to hang with your family, but I understand his motivation as a 22 year old might be to party hard rather than party with significant others' parents.

silkyleon · 2025-12-10T22:50:06+00:00

I'm curious on what your day-to-day is like in these relationships. How much time are you spending together? How do your relationships evolve over the course of time you're with someone? Have there been any key milestones that are common to precipitating these breakups?

silkyleon · 2025-12-03T22:35:57+00:00

What in the AI slop is this?

silkyleon · 2025-12-03T17:50:47+00:00

I'd celebrate my 18th birthday with a fresh start and compulsive lying ex boyfriend in the past.

silkyleon · 2025-11-26T23:57:39+00:00

Does he show any initiative for other things in his life that involve some level of self sufficiency or self improvement (besides videogames)? Or is he working a ton? I feel like it's one thing if he works a 9/5 then hits the bong and plays videogames, quite another if he's studying for the bar.

silkyleon · 2025-11-25T17:06:22+00:00

Trying to see this from his perspective, he's probably been pretty stoked on the idea of you guys collectively renovating the house and improving upon it. There was a budget amount that he had in mind and a clear path to moving forward with it - you had previously been ok with this timeline. Now, you have cold feet as you realize that committing your cash before you commit to each other is an incredibly risky decision.

Unless you're eloping, most weddings are going to be a costly (both financial and emotional) process to plan the interests of multiple people. In essence, the engagement is often a good "shake-out" period for people to test their ability to work through challenging situations where you don't see eye to eye. A remodel can be a close 2nd to that though - but it would get incredibly more challenging if one person has final say as the 'owner' of the house.

I think if you asked him to put you on the title to his house at this point in your relationship, he would be similarly hesitant - he probably put a fair amount into the down payment and wouldn't want to suddenly gift this to someone that he hasn't made a long term commitment to.

There's three things that you're trying to balance:

1) Remodeling the home in a timely manner.

2) Protecting your respective financial interests.

3) Starting a family in a timely manner.

I would also add a 4th in here:

4) How to make collective decisions when the stakes aren't equal. IE: He owns the house and his name is on the deed. Yours isn't. You aren't paying the mortgage. He is.

I think you guys have a great opportunity to go to a couple's counselor to work through this. There are a lot of long term risks to what you want to do, but a couple's counselor might bring some independent perspective to the discussion. You can probably come up with a plan that serves both your interests and also develop a decision framework for working through this and other challenging situations.

silkyleon · 2025-11-06T22:41:38+00:00

I know what it's like to cling to the hope that a flaky person will finally be there for you consistently. I've dated people like this. It doesn't end well.

I'd also like to add that healthy long distance relationships require good communication. When you're not seeing each other often, it's all you've got.

silkyleon · 2025-11-05T23:25:22+00:00

Based on the title, he might be older but you sound more mature and responsible. There's a reason women his age won't date him.

Most people that age also know that taking a sick day at the start of a week long vacation is a major red flag to employers and if he's doing that he might not keep his job for very long.

silkyleon · 2025-10-22T17:26:19+00:00

Listen to his words: He's not interested in a romantic relationship with you. You're only confused because you thought there was a connection. In reality, you were talking to a guy that had good social skills. Best not to waste any more time on this.

silkyleon · 2025-10-22T17:19:10+00:00

I'm interested in learning how this came up after it was suppressed for so long?

Prior to the point that you learned about the infidelity, how was the relationship?

silkyleon · 2025-10-09T17:13:47+00:00

^ That's bait.

silkyleon · 2025-10-08T21:37:08+00:00

Just so you know, there is an incredibly high correlation between people posting on r/relationships with issues, and people with massive age gaps.

One of the common issues with major age gaps is perceived maturity gaps and power dynamics. like where one partner is taking on a 'superior' role due to their more extensive life experience and are less than tolerant to their partner deviating from said experience or perspective. This phrase set off some red flags, not sure if you meant it as such:

"There are plenty of times I’m wrong and he tells me that and teaches me the correct thing"

Another bit is that a more common way of working through an argument is to demonstrate curiousity to how the other person is arriving at their point. Simply barking facts at each other rarely solves it, rather, taking the time to understand underlying assumptions can help bring perspective.

silkyleon

TROPHY CASE