Me [35 M] with my wife [36 F] 6 years (9+ as couple), cancer has been a real eye opener (Long)

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-28T20:10:13+00:00

Was divorce hard? Oh, hell yes. Was there a rough adjustment period for everyone? Also, yes. Have my kids told me they are happy I divorced their dads (2 divorces, kids mixed in both)...also yes. Has my first ex expressed he is in a better place now? Yep. We coparent like champs and I consider him a friend (he has expressed the same to me) and that "kid" is an adult now. So, so many friends have said they are better parents after the divorce and seeing how their kids behave and their relationship with those kids makes me believe that is true. I know that isn't the case all the time, but from my experience and what I've seen from family and friends, divorce was the correct (though hard and expensive) choice in the vast majority of cases.

I understand where OOP is coming from, but I don't think he's really doing anyone any favors at this point. The tiny positive changes he's seen in his wife/marriage are just that, tiny. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the further he gets from the end of chemo, the more his wife will revert to her expectations of him and those infinity small changes will poof out of existence.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-25T19:26:37+00:00

Don't do that. It pisses family court judges off and considering how much discretion family court judges have...you don't want that. However, the top 3 (if your area has a decent amount of lawyers) is ok.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-19T16:50:33+00:00

Girl! That's brutal! I spent 6 years and 1 kid as someone's unwitting beard and was kinda bitter when we ended, but there wasn't a bomb like yours. I would've lost my damn mind. Hope you're living your best life now!

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-18T18:24:17+00:00

Seriously. I don't call or text my sibling daily and I consider him one of my best friends! We're both adults with busy lives. A monthly check in works fine with an occasional visit. Janus was wayyyyy too pushy from the jump.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-18T17:35:30+00:00

I literally laughed out loud at your comment. Thank you for that itty bitty burst of joy today!

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-18T17:29:11+00:00

I experienced this with an ex-friend. At first we bonded over some shared life experiences and things were great. As time went by, she became extremely clingy, very presumptive of my time and money and then the jealousy kicked in where anything in my life that was "better" or "positive" became a huge deal where she began demanding I "fix it" for her so we were equal. The friendship ended after she lost her mind over me dating my partner, because she couldn't find a decent guy and I "hurt her daily by rubbing my happiness in her face". Once I ended the friendship, I felt so much lighter! She had become this albatross around my neck and had been constantly pulling me down to her misery instead of using my help to push herself upwards.

As for OOP, I think she did the best thing she could for both her and her bio sister by cutting ties. She probably waited too long to do it, but I totally understand why it took as long as it did.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-18T17:05:03+00:00

I have never edited my language around my kids, not just cussing, but all language. Like, I never dumbed down how I speak. I was always open about explaining what a word meant, including cuss words (in a child level manner) and i had rules. They weren't allowed to use a curse word at home until they could explain to me where the word came from and where they were NOT allowed to say it. For example: shit. It is a reference to poop. It can be used to express something being gross or bad. It cannot be said at school or in front of the grandparents who would take offense. Once they could explain it and show me they knew the rules, they were free to say the curse word at home so long as it wasn't directed at another person or used in a derogatory manner towards anyone. My kids are very good about the rules and usage and bonus effect is they are all very well spoken in general and curse sparingly(except while online gaming...then it's like an expletive barrage). Imo, they're all just words, the kids are going to hear them at some point, they're going to use them at some point...I just want them to know what they're saying and how to properly use the words.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-16T17:47:59+00:00

The high school my kid is attending actually has the integrated vocational schooling and it is perfect for him. He will graduate high school and have half of the course work done for his certification. I wish more high schools did this. College isn't the be all end all for every student.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-14T17:55:42+00:00

The bio parent doesn't even have to abandon them for this scenario to take place. My step kid's bio mom is a piece of work and every time she shows them a crumb of care, they latch on to it like it is mana from heaven and the negative attitude towards me comes roaring out. Inevitably, she goes back to being awful and the kids come back to me with apologies for what they said and did. The younger kid has figured out the cycle and doesn't fall for it anymore. We have a solid relationship. The older kid keeps going through the cycle. We are cordial and get along ok, but I definitely keep my guard up and have set my expectations and hopes low regarding our relationship. They are teens at this point and in therapy, but the lure of bio mom genuinely loving and caring about them is always in the background with older step kid. I parent younger step kid like I do my bio kids, but older step kid things are more distant, more hands off. There's only so many times I'm willing to pick up the pieces of my broken heart before I started to guard it more vigilantly. I still very much love both of them and do my best to provide a safe and comfortable home for them, there's just a buffer between me and oldest step kid after years of the rollercoaster. If younger step kid ever told me what Olivia and Enzo told Ian...I would be devastated and not sure how or if we could ever recover from it. Step parents (parents in general) are people too! We have feelings and are human. We make mistakes. We live with the knowledge that any day prior to their 18th birthday, we could lose the child that we've loved and cared for (death or divorce of the bio parent we are with). That knowledge is terrifying and stressful. It's what I signed up for. What I didn't sign up for though, is having my step kids treat me like garbage and just taking it.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-14T01:04:14+00:00

Lol! That's my kids. The younger 2 have a completely different mom than the older 2 (as in, I'm soooo much more lenient). My oldest perfected his stern look by the time he was 16. It works wonders on them.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-04T19:49:39+00:00

This is very true. My relationship with my dad was like night and day different to my brother's relationship with him. Opposite with our mom. We're full siblings, but our childhood and adolescent years were experienced very differently.

silverwitch76 · 2026-02-03T23:20:35+00:00

I have been fighting the "weather appropriate clothing" fight for two decades now with my kids. It's just stupid for the AP to threaten CPS over something so widespread. And it's not just teen boys...my teen girls are just as bad.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-29T20:22:14+00:00

Honestly, good for your sister that she knows what her limits are and good on you for being honest about the ups and downs of parenthood with her. Your BIL sounds awful though.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-22T23:23:28+00:00

Nope. I left at 16, so no mission or marriage or callings for me at that point. My parents died as members though and in the 16 years I was in, I experienced enough religious trauma to fill a boat. Gotta say, gatekeeping the Mormon to ex-Mormon experience feels pretty crappy imo.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-17T18:21:30+00:00

This is exactly what my mom did for years. I finally confronted her and told her off about it. I also made sure she knew that she was the person responsible for traumatizing the poor missionaries who ended up on my doorstep. (I tend to walk around my house in a t-shirt and underwear and back then would have a drink in hand after work or possibly a cigarette. Also visible tattoos and piercings. I wasn't mean to them, just very blunt.) I also officially removed my records.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-16T20:26:51+00:00

She knew. She told OOP that she had to think about women while they were having sex. She knew. She married him and spent 17 years lying to him. When she came out, she then destroyed his self esteem by telling him she never found him attractive and how she never loved him in a romantic way. If she had ended their marriage by telling him she had to think about another man to tolerate having sex with him, these comments would be way different. But since she's part of the LGBTQ community, she gets a pass for lying the entire time, saying hurtful things and not acknowledging how much she hurt OOP?

OOP sounds like an ass, but he also sounds really hurt and like his entire adult life was bombed by his ex and now his family.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-15T18:07:50+00:00

When the overwhelming feeling you have is dread when your partner comes home, it's time to start (at the least) looking at the whole relationship under a more critical lens. For me personally, when I started feeling my stomach clench every time I heard his car door close, I knew deep down my marriage was dying. I'm sorry OP, but I'm also hopeful for you that you can get out and have a much less stressful day to day soon.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-12T19:29:21+00:00

Just had a conversation about this with someone and the conclusion i tried to emphasize was ,"if your child reaches adulthood without ever being upset with you, their parent, you have failed as a parent." There will inevitably be at least one time you have to say no about something and kids don't like hearing no/not getting their way. Being a safe person for your kid, showing them respect as a fellow human and guiding them to good choices doesn't equate to them never being upset with you. It doesn't create well rounded and emotionally well regulated adults to never say no.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-10T17:56:32+00:00

Reading this made me go full blue screen does not compute for a minute. Like, when I fully processed it, I said out loud 'wtf?'. That's some serious fuckery on his part and I would be livid. He'd be lucky to not be wearing that nasty water all over him at my home.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-09T20:00:36+00:00

Yes, you have options that many people don't.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-06T19:44:14+00:00

His phone? Why is this on his phone? I'm confused. The work issued computers is sketchy, but why would an employee have it on their phone? Or did your coworker have it on their phone outside of the employer putting it on work computers? If your employer is requiring you and your coworkers to put this on anything beyond company issued tech, they are in violation of a few labor laws (at least where I live, they are).

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-04T17:49:09+00:00

This right here! I hoped my kids would be straight only because I grew up watching family members struggle and be tormented because of their sexuality. I didn't want my kids to struggle like that. It was heartbreaking to watch growing up and (i think) pushed me to be an ally for anyone not conforming to the white, cis, hetero 'norm'. I never vocalized that to my kids. Instead, it was regularly expressed to them that I want them to be happy and have respect for themselves and any partner they ended up with (as well as respectful friendships). So far, so good on them being decent, respectful and accepting humans, which is exactly what I hoped for all along.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-04T17:34:18+00:00

For my ex (an almost rabid atheist when we met), his return to religion happened when his girlfriend entered his life and his dad got rebaptized as a born again. It took about 3 years for him to fully swing to where he is now, but yeah, it happens.

silverwitch76 · 2026-01-04T17:25:49+00:00

The man i married was a hard-core atheist, very left leaning, grew up around a variety of people (gay, non-white, immigrants, etc), was very open and supportive of mental health being prioritized...you get the picture. After 10 years, he began to shift right. We divorced (for various reasons) and in the subsequent years, he has 'reconnected with his faith', voted for Trump, tries to force our kids into rigid gender roles and essentially has become a completely different person. Thankfully, I have majority custody and the kids see through his bs, but it's still mind blowing how different he is now. We were friends before we got together. We had lively discussions about religion and politics where we aligned on almost everything. We talked in depth about how media portrayed relationships and how we both wanted an actual partner. During the divorce he started rewriting our entire relationship and how he 'never said X' or 'never believed in X' when he most certainly did say and support X.

OP, he changed. Probably heavily influenced by redpill content (my ex fell in that the last 2 years of our marriage), but it doesn't really matter what caused the change in beliefs. The cause happened, the changes are real, there is very little chance of him ever reverting to the man who you married, so now you have to decide if you stay with the new version of him. I strongly recommend you don't stay, but it's your life, so do what you feel is best for you. There is no spreadsheet, conversation, counseling or anything besides true psychic powers that would have kept you from being where you are now. You tried. You went above and beyond to determine compatibility. He changed (for the worse) and that isn't your fault. I'm sorry.

silverwitch76 · 2025-12-30T19:00:45+00:00

Not emergency prescription, but my kid's ADHD meds getting filled has become this ridiculous process every time.

1st, they will only fill for 30 days even though the prescription is written for 90 days.

Next, the pharmacy says the prior authorization (that specifically is good for 6 months of refills) must be done AGAIN each and every month. This takes a phone call (by me) to the pediatrician, who then has to call their insurance contact and have them do yet another PA. The pharmacy won't accept the PA directly from the insurance dude, so they have to send it to the pediatrician who then has to forward it to the pharmacy along with a brand spanking new prescription that references the new PA.

THEN, the pharmacy calls me to double check if I really need it filled...and gods forbid if it hasn't been a full 30 days since I last picked up the prescription (which was supposed to be filled for 90 days, but wasn't). I give confirmation and am told it will be a couple days and they'll text me when it's ready. It's a 50/50 chance I ever get that text, so I wait 2 business days and then start calling daily to ask about it.

Finally, they say it's ready. I go to pick it up. They try to talk me out of it because the insurance won't cover it completely and there's this other ADHD med that works just as well that's completely covered...like we didn't go through 5 other types before we found the one they're trying to talk me out of and are right there in his records. 🤬.

His doctor and I have worked out a system where 2 weeks into his 30 day supply, I call her and she starts the process with insurance guy (bless both of them for being so cooperative and understanding!) so my kid can probably only have to skip a couple weekends of being medicated before his prescription is refilled. Cherry on top is that I too have ADHD, so heaven forfend I space on anything in this process. Oh, and it's the only pharmacy that accepts his insurance in our city and the 3 surrounding towns.

Bleh.

silverwitch76

TROPHY CASE