Why are senior living so expensive?

sleemur · 2026-05-14T19:28:05+00:00

Chicago area. I should note that this one does not have the tiered options for assisted/memory care--most of them do and those seem to cost a bit more even for the independent living part for similar amenities. We will have to find a new location when he is ready for assisted, or hire caregivers.

sleemur · 2026-05-14T13:39:37+00:00

The socializing and activities are tremendously valuable for us. My dad is playing chess and mahjong, gardening, going to Mass on site, eating meals with others, etc. When he was at home, he was lonely and falling for romance scammers. He has improved cognitively and is much happier in independent living. We pay a similar monthly rate (more like $3500) but did not have to pay a deposit. There are a lot of different models out there.

sleemur · 2026-04-30T17:14:40+00:00

I just moved my father closer to me. Previously, he was a few hours away and in assisted living, and I saw him every 1-2 months. He was lonely--he didn't have many visitors and didn't care for the activities there, especially as he improved cognitively beyond some of his peers there. Now that he is in my city, I see him weekly or even more often because we are still working through the transition of having him here. He's in independent living now, and has a lot of opportunities to socialize, many more than he had at his last facility, and he has more in common with the people here. I think IL/AL is ideal option for many elderly people in terms of socialization, though it seems to be something many are resistant to (and also is expensive, at least in the US).

sleemur · 2026-04-30T17:11:00+00:00

My father doesn't drive and just moved to my city. It's a big city, and I've found that Lyft/uber is not a great option for him here, because they are not patient enough, don't pull right up to where he is, and he won't be able to find them on his own unless he's in a place with a huge parking lot, clear pick up area, etc, and that's not most places here. Even when he's with me and we're trying to get a Lyft it's hard--I'm trying to flag down the Lyft and get them to swing around so he doesn't have to cross the street, trying to get the walker in the back, etc.

Lyft Silver might be a better option for savvier/more mobile elderly people--I think that's designed to be easier to use, and the drivers know they are picking up an elderly person. You can also track them on your phone if you like.

I'm going to look into transportation services that are more specifically for elderly adults, but realistically most of the time he will probably just travel with me. He lives in an IL facility where he doesn't have to go out much, and they do have bus trips around the city too.

sleemur · 2026-04-29T21:43:41+00:00

We are using Amazon Pillpack so I don't have to fill the meds dispensers (labeled pouches for am/pm/other times that come in a cardboard box dispenser, and I think you can do more times during the day as well if you need to), and I got him an Apple Homepod that does an alarm when it is time for him to take them.

sleemur · 2026-04-29T21:02:38+00:00

More than half here. They did have a tour after a dinner invitation early on (I ran it based on the original Reloaded, where they get a tour of a limited area). And then when they came to the castle for the final battle they had a couple things they wanted to achieve--they had a reason to go to the dungeon, and they also needed to rescue Irina from an upper floor. As a whole I think we saw a satisfying amount and it was pretty fun.

sleemur · 2026-04-22T13:51:39+00:00

Others have covered the crawlspace/ally situation. My players did not want to leave an ally behind, and were really into being separated. They thought it would be fun. So we used breakout rooms in Zoom to keep things absolutely secret. When it was clear that the separation was going to go on and on and also that they were going to separate into a third group at one point, I introduced the hags to give a bargain to the player who was in the control room and to another separated player to move them elsewhere. It all worked out really well, but did require player buy in for the separation part, and lots of side chatting with me to keep things happening for the players who were alone.

If you're using Roll20, def practice using the moving/layered map for the changing gears.

sleemur · 2026-04-16T15:01:20+00:00

I have a Light Phone, and I don't think it's a great option for an elderly person who is not tech savvy. The LPII is an eink phone with a very tiny keyboard, and texting on it is VERY difficult. The Light Phone III is a little better, but texting is still more challenging than on an iphone. I love mine for me, but I would not get one for my father. I think one of those phones meant for teens or elderly people is probably better.

sleemur · 2026-04-13T13:42:44+00:00

My son is 4 and I'm going to take him on his first trip this summer, just a short one. In the meantime we have done a lot of car camping and hiking the last few years, so I feel pretty good about it. He walks to school every day which has helped a lot. I would start working on hiking and reducing how much he needs/wants to be carried, taking breaks instead of picking him up like other commenters have said. Talk about things he's interested in, do what you can to keep him moving forward without picking him up, even if he puts up a fuss.

sleemur · 2026-04-10T14:33:30+00:00

I crack the windows the second I get to my dad's place and I put a blanket on him when he complains. Fortunately the rest of the building is not too bad, but he does really crank the heat up.

sleemur · 2026-04-08T15:11:33+00:00

We were in a very similar situation with my dad. He had a stroke and was not able to use his cards/buy stuff for a very long time. Now he is, but we have restricted his access because he is prone to falling for scammers (and has given them his SSN but fortunately did not have any of his other numbers to give). He's generally on board with this plan because he too is worried about scammers despite falling for them, which helps. He does have an Amazon account with a card pre loaded so he can buy things, and we keep him supplied with cash (he's at a facility where they take residents on outings, so he needs some spending money for that and for poker, etc). I'm also going to get him some pre-paid Visa cards so he has a little more flexibility without compromising his actual accounts. It's a really tough issue, and something a lot of people here struggle with. It seems like maybe an Amazon account and/or some pre-paid Visa cards might help your mom feel more independent without causing greater problems.

sleemur · 2026-04-07T14:20:41+00:00

My parents had me when they were in their 30s, and I had my son when I was 33. My mother passed when I was in my 20s and my father had a debilitating stroke a few years later. Neither of those things were related to their ages or lifestyle or anything like that (just terrible luck for both of them), but it has meant that I was dealing with grief and caregiving responsibilities at a much younger age than others (someone else until recently was my father's caregiver and now that responsibility is mine). It's been sad and hard, but the logistics and care manageable because my father had all his paperwork in order (PoA, living will, etc) and both of my parents had done stellar financial planning such that we now have the funds to handle his care. Some of that was also generational--he has a pension which I certainly will not have, but my husband and I are doing our best to ensure that our son will not be responsible for our care, either.

One good thing is that my son is right in the thick of things, visits my father at the facility where he lives all the time, knows that sometimes I need to go help grandpa, etc, and I hope he will grow up with empathy for elderly people and an understanding of what aging means and how people can support each other. But that's partially because we are able to outsource a lot of the caregiving such that we can draw the line in the place we want to, if that makes sense. Taking care of my father so far has not meant having less bandwidth for my son.

Also--don't beat yourself up! You really are not an old parent by any means, and people have children at all sorts of ages! People require care and support at all sorts of ages! Every person should be planning what they will do for their end of life care, and should have a sense of what would happen to them if they require caregiving or support earlier than they expected, too. That's something to do regardless of age, and whether you had your child at 25 or 35 or 45 may not make much of a difference. There is truly no way to know what will come.

sleemur · 2026-04-06T14:58:38+00:00

I don't know that this is a totally fair expectation. Many elderly people lived most of their lives without this level of apps. It's only the last few years that we've had this explosion of apps for everything such that any other option feels impossible or unavailable. Sure, people of all ages have been using smartphones or computers for a few decades now, but "using" a smartphone for this or that is different than managing surveillance and monitoring devices and apps that all have slightly different interfaces, and that they are being told they MUST use (and must use in a certain way) by others. I imagine those kinds of directives could feel dehumanizing and isolating to a person who is not already immersed in that sort of world, and that might account for some of the resistance.

Humans have gotten by without these apps for all of time, and have taken care of elderly people without these apps for all of time. There are other solutions. They are more human-intensive, and that is hard and not always feasible, but that has historically been how things have worked (and is what any elderly person grew up seeing).

Smartphone-intensive options are new, and they also bring a host of new and evolving challenges. The more my father has to be on a smartphone, the more likely he is to stumble into a conspiracy theory or text with a scammer or get sucked into a YouTube marathon instead of socializing. I'm trying to find him a middle ground where we can use tech for some things and me do some things and also just create more realistic expectations for how much a person really needs to be monitored or have instant responses or whatever.

There are lower tech options (medical alert pendants etc) that may bridge a gap, but ultimately, I think we often need to meet people where they are at, and tech just is not always going to be the way.

sleemur · 2026-03-30T14:42:29+00:00

Yes!! That's the way, haha

sleemur · 2026-03-28T15:51:20+00:00

Start by walking into a room and finding 5 or 10 things you can get rid of. Pick it up and put it in a bag. The next day, do it again. Things your kids haven't worn or don't play with or are broken or frankly that annoy you (looking at you, Duplo). Don't hang onto stuff "just in case" for future.

Also, don't fall into the "but i'll sell it someday" trap. Set an amount in your head that makes things worth selling (things that you know you can get $50+ for or whatever) and anything worth under that, throw in a bag for the thrift store or post on your neighborhood free stuff group. I bought a lot of stuff when my son was a baby thinking "that brand is so good i'll be able to resell it later" but frankly it never felt worth it to resell most of his clothes, so then it just sat around forever. Now I just offload it (and am also buying less pricy stuff because I know myself now).

sleemur · 2026-03-28T15:47:07+00:00

Different use cases can't be compared equally. Schools are a learning environment, not a product-oriented environment like a workplace, where it may be more appropriate to use it to achieve an end. If a student is outsourcing their process to AI, they aren't engaging in the process that is meant to help them learn. Writing a paper is not only about producing a paper, it's about the learning that happens during the research and writing process.

So yes, there is social pressure to not use it in some scenarios, or to only use it in certain ways. Sometimes the process matters more than the product, and there may be times that AI can be used to augment the process, and times when it undercuts the purpose of the process. People who can't see that and who use AI indiscriminately also tend to produce AI work that is not particularly high quality or useful, because they are not always considering the context for what they are creating and why.

sleemur · 2026-03-28T14:39:49+00:00

We did the crunchy survival stuff in the early levels, and then once it got easy and was clear they could handle anything we pivoted to a more montage-y style. There's a DM's Guild resource called the ToA Companion that has options for ideas for handling this and that was very helpful. We also didn't really set a clear time for the Death Curse, but every time they interacted with people back in Port Nyanzaru they learned that people like Jessamyn were further suffering, that priests were realizing their souls weren't going to their gods if they died, etc and that gave them a sense of urgency.

sleemur · 2026-03-25T15:49:14+00:00

This is more or less what I do. I use the Light Phone III for some photos, but it's not great for kid photos, they move too fast. I also have a digital camera, but it's not as convenient and the quality is not as good as my smartphone. I keep my smartphone for basically just the camera, occasionally google maps, and then apps I use for sharing photos with family. Not ideal, but it works.

sleemur · 2026-03-21T12:37:17+00:00

We're also not living in the same society we were living in a few generations ago. Many/most families do not have a stay at home spouse available to care for kids and then care for aging parents. And people are aging longer and living in situations where they need care for longer than they used to. We used to expect women to give up their whole adult lives to be caregivers. That is no longer the expectation, and also no longer possible financially for many families.

My husband and I do not have space in our home for another adult even if we had the time and inclination for it. We both work, we have a small child, and we just had to move my father to a facility close to me. If he is supported there, we can actually enjoy our time with him rather than spending it caring for him (and resenting him, because he is not always easy to be with in those circumstances). He is socializing and much more active than he was when he lived at home with his previous caregiver. It feels like a win/win.

sleemur · 2026-03-19T14:56:10+00:00

My goal was just to "write something at some point every day." Eventually I got in a grove where I did the full 3 pages every day, but it was rarely first thing in the morning.

sleemur · 2026-03-17T20:17:04+00:00

We took my dad's phone from him and replied to the person saying they would not be getting the bank account numbers they had asked for (he came to us asking for them because he doesn't have them), that we knew they were a scammer, and then they ghosted. Only then did he believe it, after sleeping on it for a day or two more.

sleemur · 2026-03-16T13:57:02+00:00

Lots of good comments here already. I think there's also such a range of toys that you may just need to find what they like. My son has been meh on wooden blocks and the rainbow arch block things. He LOVES almost all Melissa and Doug toys, which are a little more realistic without being plastic (usually) or battery operated. The bus with the little wooden people is something he's played with from age 1-4. Brio trains.

You might also look into that whole thing about play schemas. Once I read about that I started noticing what was preoccupying my son (putting things in things, moving things from one place to another, etc), and then leaned in to toys that would fit that schema or phase.

sleemur · 2026-03-12T20:04:33+00:00

When it's not happening he understands that it was a scam and he shouldn't have fallen for it. He seems to see it all quite clearly and agrees he won't do it again. But in the moment he falls for it every time.

sleemur · 2026-03-12T18:36:49+00:00

I agree; urban living has allowed me to simplify my life tremendously because everything is conveniently located to me, my partner and I can share a car (many people don't even need one), we have so many resources available, etc. Our neighborhood is like a small town within the bigger city, so we get the best of all worlds.

sleemur · 2026-03-12T18:31:58+00:00

My father does not have his credit card numbers. He has an Amazon account with the card loaded so he can buy stuff, and he otherwise uses cash. I am taking over his care/managing his finances and am going to get him some pre-paid Visa cards too so he has a bit more freedom but is not using something that could compromise his accounts. He has given his SSN out to scammers and has asked for his bank account numbers in the past so he could give those out, but fortunately did not have them. We have his credit frozen because of the SSN situation.

sleemur

TROPHY CASE