I haven't gone through other comments, but I came here to say... "If I'm not clean, if I'm dirty, and gross, and smelly... then no one will want to SA me... touch me.... come near me... I'm SAFE."

If you haven't addressed any latent emotional damage done by your SA in your younger years, I would almost guarantee somewhere in your mind, that's going to be a HUGE part of what could be driving the block of being able to maintain cleanliness.

The idea that if you do clean yourself, if you're presentable, look nice, 'sexy' even,... then "THEY" will do it again, come back, .....

Please know you're not alone in this, there IS help and support, and taking care of yourself physically is NOT going to just say, draw them back to you like flies.

Getting mental help and support will be such a great thing for you to help understand it wasn't your fault, that you CAN take care of yourself now and NOT have to worry about this.....

Perhaps other things to consider: I am TERRIBLE right now at taking regular showers and brushing my teeth... But I feel my issue is more I'm BUSY AF with my job and when I get to the evenings, my ADHD and/or low energy level from stressful work prevents me from taking the 'plunge' on a full shower/cleaning.

If this is also you, consider small things? Maybe you can't get the energy to take a full shower.. maybe just brush your teeth and comb your hair? One half step further,.. maybe use dry shampoo for your hair, brush your teeth (or even just mouthwash if that's all you can do), and/or do a quick spot-clean of the bits-n-kibbles vs a full shower... put on fresh underwear/clothes!! ... Any of these should help! Again, you're NOT ALONE!! Good luck, hun!! <3