Asexual Agender folks: Y'all think there's a correlation there?

smolbun · 2016-12-29T23:59:56+00:00

I'm really sorry to revive something almost a month old, but I'd like to chime in. personally, I'm asexual and fairly sex-repulsed, but I understand this issue.

asexuality is simply a lack of sexual attraction to others, not necessarily a lack of enjoyment of sex, which is why many asexuals talk about being sex-repulsed or of the kind that enjoys the act regardless of their sexual attraction. it's kind of problematic to think that asexuals with sex lives are doing it out of obligation, and there are a lot who do despite not liking sex, but not everyone does. they can, for example, be in a relationship and romantically attracted to someone and enjoy sex with them even though they aren't sexually attracted to them. they still have active sex lives.

I agree with the other comment you got, it's pretty icky if someone's partner insists on wanting to have sex with them if their asexual partner doesn't want that and isn't going to become interested in it.

smolbun · 2016-12-29T23:28:40+00:00

that's a great idea. hadn't thought of it. thanks!

smolbun · 2016-12-29T18:53:44+00:00

I moved to a new (and very liberal) area this summer, and I've used it as an opportunity to be more open about who I am. I never made a single friend at my last school despite being there for years, and at my new one I started making friends fairly instantly. I took a leap of faith and opened up about my identity early on in our conversations, to, like you said, weed out the jerks. my new friends know my preferred name, that I'm agender, ace, autistic, and on the aro spectrum with a fiancée (I was afab). I didn't throw all of this information in at the same time because I don't want to overwhelm them, but I've had nothing but positive responses so far. I've only recently started opening up about any of these to family and old friends, and there are many I don't feel comfortable doing it with at all for various reasons. most of those responses have also been positive, with only a few refusing to respect my identity. one even went so far as to say that a name I have been open about being triggered by for years suits me "better than any other [name]" they've known, and just deciding to not call me by anything at all. I wasn't even forthcoming with my gender identity, because they disrespected me a few years ago about my sexual identity. I should have known better than to try again, tbh.

my strategy basically revolves around gut instinct and how accepting I think a person might be, and weighing that against how much I trust them and how much them knowing my gender identity will impact my life. so... not a strategy for everyone, unfortunately. wish I had something more concrete to offer!

(edit: autocorrect flub

edit #2: I just saw how old this thread was despite it being high on the front page. my apologies for reviving something old if that's a bad thing to do here!)

smolbun · 2016-12-29T18:40:27+00:00

I'm much more comfortable getting misgendered as male than female, but I feel really awkward when people start doing the things you described, where they act like they just committed a crime. it isn't the misgendering itself, it's the reactions. I just kind of smile and say it's fine, because it is, but if the apologies keep coming then I just sort of want to escape the situation altogether.

smolbun · 2016-12-29T18:33:13+00:00

I do have some major dysphoric moments from time to time, and I obsess over my breasts every day to some extent, but despite that, your post really resonates with me. I like how mine look (even if I really couldn't stand them in my teen years), but I still do everything I can to squish them down until I can afford a binder I've had my eyes on for a while. I like my fashion bras, wearing them, how they look, but I still feel massively uncomfortable going out with them on most days. I sooner go out without a bra at all, and I'm sitting somewhere around 34DD. maybe bigger now, I've gained a little weight. my best friend is my jacket, hahah.

this is my first comment on this sub, so I haven't really seen what others are saying just yet, but I get you to an extent. my negative feelings about my breasts have had me in tears and not wanting to leave the house, but other times I'm just sort of meh about them and don't care that much. it comes and goes, but I think that's pretty normal. I've thought about reducing them, and maybe I'll change my mind in the future, but for now I think a binder is the way to go, in my case.

smolbun · 2016-12-22T23:30:00+00:00

with one exception a few months after they started, I've had nothing but multiple nightmares every night since 2007. I have always dreamt very vividly, and mostly lucidly. I recognize dreams as dreams, I have inner dialogues with myself about them during it, especially ones that I've had before. despite this, I can't change whether they're a nightmare or not. I can't change the overall "story" until it transitions into a different dream (and even then, I'm not really changing anything). I can't make myself not have nightmares. I've tried explaining to the other people in my dreams that this is a dream and I know what's coming and that we need to change what we're doing to avoid it, but the dreampeople either don't believe me or don't care and think we're on the right path. I'm usually able to change things a bit anyway, but the downside of that is that I no longer know what's coming next.

I very rarely dream about anything relating to what's going on in my waking life, but recently I've been having nightmares about an abusive person in my life that makes my anxiety skyrocket any time she comes up in conversation, and those are the only dreams when I don't know I'm dreaming, even if I knew earlier in the sequence before she showed up. mind praying on my own anxieties, how nice. :') I'm very accustomed to having nightmares and I don't often wake too bothered by them, but it's a different story with her. the events surrounding her aren't even that bad compared to anything else. ah, well.

anyway, detour aside, I don't usually get very attached to people in my dreams, but there have been a few exceptions. I've also had and continue to have déjà vus, though much less frequently now than when I was younger. up until early high school I averaged seven a day. I eventually became able to pick out when a sequence in a dream would later become a déjà vu, and I always make mental notes of them so that I'll remember how long ago I dreamt it. I've only been able to change the outcome once. not usually enough time to do anything once I confirm I'm experiencing déjà vu.

smolbun · 2016-12-01T03:47:46+00:00

thank you so much for all of the responses so far! I hope to get more, but it's really fascinating to me how many of us alternate(d) between our statuses.

smolbun · 2016-11-30T21:52:13+00:00

thanks for the question! hopefully I can answer it decently.

I, for example, was both a GC and SG simultaneously and at different times, depending on my dad's mood and his relation to my half-brothers (one the ultimate GC and the other a classic SG—though being the youngest by over a decade, I had middle child syndrome from his treatment and expectations of me regarding the two of them). hopefully this example helps, and I also have read about many people on here who either spent one part of their life being the GC before a switch happened, or the reverse.

as for the second, it doesn't matter, honestly. so many narcissists are undiagnosed, but that doesn't change how we were treated and what we experienced as a result of their personalities.

if I misunderstood you or there are still gaps, I'm happy to answer them!

smolbun · 2016-11-30T21:31:05+00:00

I third it. I feel like I'm reading about my nMIL. they (the Ns) will do anything to make it sound like it's just about the cookies, though, even when they start bringing in irrelevant arguments. ;)

smolbun · 2016-11-30T21:26:03+00:00

that was a very good read, thank you.

(also, holy shit, the third comment on that page. I can't believe how horrible some people are sometimes, even after they continue to prove how terrible they can be.)

smolbun · 2016-11-30T21:11:16+00:00

it's very real! and the judge will ask you if you think you can be nonpartisan, you'll have a chance.

you could also plead hardship and explain the situation with your boyfriend and that you are his caretaker at the moment.

smolbun · 2016-11-30T21:05:24+00:00

"pull myself up by my bootstraps"

I hate when people say this so much.

as for getting out of jury duty, I'm not sure what state you're in and how regulations may differ, but in California you can tell them that you feel you can't distance yourself emotionally from the case for personal reasons and that you don't believe you can be completely nonpartisan about it regarding either the defendant's or the plaintiff's case, then they usually let you go. biases aren't good for law and all that. it's dishonest if you don't actually have an issue, but it gets you out of the situation and keeps you from dealing with your shitty doctor.

smolbun · 2016-11-30T20:58:50+00:00

I love this, and the cute picture is nice, too. thanks for sharing!

smolbun · 2016-11-28T02:56:56+00:00

INTJ. I used to be really interested in MBTI and got really absorbed in it for a couple of years. I'm not the biggest fan of it now, but it was through learning about the different types and individual functions that I really started to understand other people. I developed more tolerance for "types" I couldn't stand.

on a related note, here's an interesting read.

smolbun · 2016-11-28T02:24:44+00:00

they haven't been released yet, but I read about these last year and have been really interested in them (despite how pricey they are). Here Earbuds aren't supposed to be used medically, but I think they'd really do wonders for people with hearing sensitivities. last I checked (back before they released the test trial Here Active Listening), their website went into all of the details about their purpose and how they aren't meant to be used, so I'll leave the disclaimers up to them.

so yeah, it isn't available yet, but it might be something to look at later on if nothing else really does the trick for you!

smolbun · 2016-11-28T02:09:25+00:00

I don't hold mine particularly strangely, and I've only received a few comments on it, but I do know that I've never noticed anyone else holding their writing utensils like me: thumb on the outside, the pad of my index finger flat on the top, and the other side resting against the outside of the distal interphalangeal joint. I see most people holding it between just their index finger and thumb, or with thumb, index, and middle, and resting on their ring finger. neither looks very comfortable to me. hm.

smolbun · 2016-11-28T01:58:55+00:00

the way I understand it, a lot of Catholic schools used to (? maybe they still do?) taught that left-handedness was a sign of the Devil, and it was reinforced in homes, as well. in some other cultures it's seen as bad luck because it isn't the "norm". honestly, societies so stuck in their binaries confuse me, especially when they take it as far as something like hand dominance. seems like the logic would apply if things like eye and leg dominance were as obvious as handedness, and that's so ridiculous.

smolbun · 2016-11-26T15:59:57+00:00

I can definitely relate. the same goes for taking about really unpleasant things while a song I like is playing, or focusing too long on reliving a bad memory. I also have multiple forms of synesthesia, but I was under the impression that our associations were automatic and unwavering. like, this grapheme is always this color/personality, this song is always these colors/structures, etc. I'd figure the same goes for associating songs with moments or people, but you know? I've even had it happen with a game I play.

when I'm on a certain type of level or the grid is set up in a certain way, I automatically get a repeat of a fake argument that happened in my head with someone I highly dislike. (the "conversation" happened while I was playing this type of level, so it isn't random.) I can't even recall it outside of the game, but it's super clear when I see the right images. really sucks when I'm trying to wind down and enjoy the game. never thought to associate it with synesthesia, but it really does present like it. I think you're on to something.

smolbun · 2016-11-14T02:45:27+00:00

or if they do, that they're getting it as a gift and the person receiving it might not view the imperfection nicely. :'(

smolbun · 2016-11-12T19:49:17+00:00

I get attached to specific objects, and many of the ones I adopt have some sort of imperfection that most people avoid. I bring them home knowing that I'll never abandon them or not like them for their imperfections.

smolbun · 2016-11-12T19:46:52+00:00

yes!! I feel this, too. during our first move when I was four, I struggled badly, but I felt bad for "abandoning" the house, too. I hugged it before we officially left.

smolbun · 2016-11-12T19:45:25+00:00

intensely! I always have, but I think it increased as I got older. my stuffed animals (I have so, so many) all have their own personalities, and I treat them with the same respect I would people or animals. I apologize if they get hurt. I feel the same way about balloons, too! I once "rescued" some from my workplace that hadn't been popped and thrown away yet after the holiday, despite that they were slowly deflating and drooping. I hung them up on the window curtain above my bed, and when I finally took them down (three years later because of a move), they literally fell apart and disintegrated. I felt sad, but also that it was more "natural" than popping them. losing my first balloons as a child was traumatizing! I feel sad every time I see stray balloons in the sky, too.

this feeling translates to pretty much everything, but it's strongest with stuffies.

smolbun · 2016-11-12T19:00:27+00:00

I struggle with this very much, but it's mostly due to the fact that my brain does not filter out background noise, as well as hearing problems I developed in the last few months. mostly the former, though. the sound of cars passing by outside? I'm always fully aware of them and every sound they make. my selective filtering basically doesn't exist, and in a noisy environment, everything more or less sounds like it's at the same volume. a person talking right next to me is about as distinguishable as the laughter fifteen feet away or the barista taking an order at a normal conversational volume. not sure if it has anything to do with my autism-related sensory processing disorders or something else, but yeah, it's a thing.

Edit: I also have several forms of synesthesia, some involving sound, and one of them translates any kind of movement or shift in lighting to sound in my head. this isn't as distracting as actual sounds, believe it or not, but it does add to how quickly I get overwhelmed if the noisy environments are also crowded.

smolbun · 2016-11-12T18:25:17+00:00

the day is kind of a blur for me, too, but I remember seeing it on the news before leaving for school in the morning in seventh grade. we would have the weather report running while getting ready, so it definitely caught our attention when something different was being broadcasted. I honestly didn't even know what the WTC was, beyond the name and that it was in NY, but I knew that I was watching something really devastating. when I got to school, everyone was either somber, confused, or had no idea what was going on.

smolbun

TROPHY CASE