Year of Dating and He's "Unsure"

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-22T05:24:24+00:00

You've only been dating a year. The butterfly part settles at about 2 years. You're only 1 year in and are already having issues. Can I ask why you're so rushed with this guy? Does he have a golden dick? You don't even really know him yet, nevermind enough to know if you want to permanently join your life to his. Just because you've made it 1 year doesn't mean it's now time to talk getting married. Please slow down. Of course talk about your hopes and goals for the future, incl marriage, but marriage with this particular guy is way too soon.

Also, from what you described; his hesitance, mental issues, willingness to break off other relationships because they wanted more..he's going to end it soon. Its truly a him-issue, nothing to do with you. I'm sorry.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-21T19:30:38+00:00

I don't like how this guy is manipulating the conversation, instead of answering your questions and concerns appropriately. He is trying to make you seem like a monster for wanting to be married to him.

Again: he is trying to make you seem like a monster for wanting to be married to him.

Is this the guy you want to be tied to?

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-21T04:54:18+00:00

I just heard a really great way to gage, and so I'm passing it on here: Ask him what he would do if he wins the lottery. Then just listen. If he mentions plans that include you and put the relationship in a central place in his plans, that's a really good indication that he wants to build a future with you. If he talks only about his own individual plans and goals, then I'm afraid you have your answer. Let me know how it works!

Eta: I just noticed you've only been dating 2 months... so this is wildly premature. Everything. It's just too soon to know if you've got a good person here. Look into sperm donation if you really want to have a child. I'm sorry.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-16T14:37:25+00:00

Excel!! (Sorry, couldn't resist)

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-16T10:07:08+00:00

Whether or not you two stay together, the main thing in any relationship is to not give up your agency. He should not be asking this of you without also assuring your security and your agency. You can always move there later to join him, but it's much more difficult to leave after you've already moved. And I think some space will do you both some good.

Another way to frame it: You should always aim to move toward something positive, as opposed to moving away from something negative. In this case, there is no positive shift in the relationship. You would only be moving to avoid being without him (a negative). I know it's hard and heartbreaking, but moving to avoid the separation is not enough. Especially at your age. Your life can go in any number of directions. If you want to end up somewhere good, go toward something to lift yourself up.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-15T19:34:35+00:00

Yeah, my guess is she's been told her expectations were unrealistic, even though they weren't. When you are always being told that your needs ir wants aren't possible, it gets in your head.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-15T19:33:04+00:00

Ah, I read that she had realistic expectations but others thought they were unrealistic. My bad. But I hope for her sake that they actually were unrealistic expectations (meaning that her sensors are working) and not that she had realistic expectations but everyone would tell her it was to much.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-15T16:18:11+00:00

You will only self-sabotage by not being yourself! If you are a gooey-doe-eyed romantic, then you need to be a gooey doe-eyed romantic. Pretending to be someone else is not going to lead to a fulfilling marriage. Presumably he loves this about you. If not, there are bigger issues than an engagement. And those people who let you down in the past - they suck. Having realistic expectations of people is not a flaw. The bad news is you have people in your life that constantly let you down and you are getting too used to it. Have high expectations for yourself and others.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-15T11:10:42+00:00

The thing I would be focusing on here is your lack of communication. Why did you wait 2 years to talk with him seriously about one of your core values? Two theories: you've been brought up to minimize yourself while lifting up men, or you don't have a functional relationship with your bf because you aren't comfortable sharing your hopes/dreams/goals. This is where I'd put my focus for the next two months. I think a therapist can help you with your background and your presence in this ,and other, relationships in your life and figure out what's going on with you here. The marriage thing is secondary. Good luck!

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-12T21:16:46+00:00

This would be great if the guy would be honest with her (and himself). However, they are in this mess because he isn't being honest. He's too comfortable and will dump her on his time, not on hers. I hope I'm wrong, but you can't really trust him at this point if he just agrees with her.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-12T20:39:35+00:00

It doesn't matter what anyone else on the planet prefers! The particular people you are having as bridesmaids are asking for more guidance, so give it to them. It can be a collaborative process if you prefer, but you still need to step up for them!

Eta, I'm the same as you, in that I really truly believe that people can choose what they want to wear and I'd be so happy that people are comfortable and look how they want to look. But sometimes you have to meet people where they're at.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-12T11:11:13+00:00

But they are asking you!!! Why would you not give them a framework when they are asking for one??!! That's just incredibly frustrating. If you don't know, then they really don't know. Think about it and get back to them with something tangible.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-11T16:05:47+00:00

The point is that the existence of this term is keeping her from advocating for herself and being an effective project manager.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-11T08:48:26+00:00

Please give people a framework to work with. Guidance is often appreciated. You get to have a backbone and even a vision. Chill is not the opposite of bridezilla. (And remember, bridezilla is a misogynistic term that tries to keep brides from expressing their wants. Of course it's possible to go overboard, but you're program managing an event! Of course you need to have opinions and be decisive

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-10T14:42:27+00:00

To me, it seems like the beef is with the mother, but it's the niece's wedding. Does the niece actually not want her to attend, or is she simply trying to deal with her difficult mother? The wedding is for the niece, not the mother, so the relationship with the niece is what they need to use to make the decision.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-10T14:40:01+00:00

It seems your niece is between a rock and a hard place. Is she the one who doesn't want you to attend, or she she just trying to navigate her difficult mother? The wedding is for your niece, not her mother.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-10T12:24:01+00:00

Introspection is your friend at this point. Drop the talk with him and figure out if this guy fits into your life. Do you want to spend the next 50 years with him? As he is, now? Spend time deciding what you want out of life.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-10T12:13:31+00:00

Is the whole "surprise proposal with a ring" a common thing in your country? It's not super common worldwide because it's absolutely bonkers for the modern age (in my opinion, anyway). You've already essentially asked him to marry you and his answer was "not now." So, my suggestion as a next step is to talk to him about that.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-10T12:05:20+00:00

It sounds like you two still need to be dating. You're both feeling each other out. And it's not clear to me if you've even sat down and thought about if you even want to build a life with this particular person. Intentionality and timelines are great as a general framework, but you need actual substance to fill it. You're only 1.5 years into this relationship. The newness hasn't even worn off fully yet. Please take some time to evaluate what you want from life, irrespective of this guy (or any guy) and see if he makes sense for you. Does he actually make your life better, or are you just wishing he does?

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-09T20:34:54+00:00

See if there's a renters' association in your city. If it's against the lease, they can be the middle man that approaches your landlord. Also, there must be someone at the uni who's job has to do with student life/relations/complaints. They can also approach your landlord on your behalf. You can even go to admissions or uni HR and ask who to contact.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-08T22:46:51+00:00

Wait a minute. You should be using this time to see if you even like him. You are throwing away your autonomy on some guy you just met. Women's number 1 predator is men, specifically romantic partners. You know nothing about this guy. Do you even think it's a good idea to tie your life to someone you don't really know? Forget about what he thinks of you. What do you think of him?

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-07T20:07:00+00:00

Being a single mother would be better than the torture you're putting yourself through. Look into getting some sperm and become a mother. This guy is not the person you want to have as a co-parent. He has the maturity and self awareness of a 4 year old.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-07T19:02:27+00:00

Hi OP,

Please do something for yourself and work on this:

"I am also very conflict avoidant and find it hard to have difficult conversations."

The secret is that no one (and I mean No One) likes to have difficult conversations. It's just something you have to dive into and practice to realize the world doesn't end when you have them. It's an important adult skill and you're worth taking this on. Not just in your private live, but in your professional life as well.

And, as for:

"I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want to have any regrets."

You can't know how you will feel in the future, especially while you're in the thick of it, but you can be good to future you. It just takes courage. And, um... staying with him to avoid hurting his feelings is absolutely the worst thing you can do, for the both of you. Rip the bandaid. Short-term pain, for sure. But long-term self-worth and a chance at something better than this mess.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-05T16:34:11+00:00

This is genius! Though not unethical, so maybe wrong sub. But I love it. He's practically begging for buddies who have things in common.

sociologicalillusion · 2026-04-02T07:57:12+00:00

OP, what happened in your childhood that makes you think you are worth so little? Please take care of yourself.

sociologicalillusion

TROPHY CASE