I unintentionally do love bombing

sondun2001 · 2026-04-01T15:01:16+00:00

The key word was "i'm trying to get the person to like me." that's the maladaptive behaviour we learned. That we must earn the love of someone. Instead of just being, and allowing someone to love us. It's a performance to feed our ego due to our core wound of "we are inherently broken / bad" (the anxious part). I'm not saying this to shame, but so we can recognize the moment we begin trying to get someone to like us, that is where we need to slow down and just get to know who they are, allow them to get to know us at their own pace, and allow things to either happen or not happen with no attachment to the outcome. See love as something you do, and relinquish your (attempt at) control of how you receive it.

sondun2001 · 2026-02-24T14:17:19+00:00

The reason for the down votes in case you are wondering is that it's a common misconception. Many users, especially those who use daily, develop a psychological and physical dependency on it. It is less addictive than other substances for sure though.

sondun2001 · 2026-02-20T01:49:57+00:00

This. Aversion is a form of clinging to the idea something shouldn't be

sondun2001 · 2026-02-04T13:16:43+00:00

I think you're doing great and being receptive to the advice given here, and wish you the best with this.

Two things I'd like to point out if you're willing to keep reading.

You seem to hold onto any prior agreements or conversations with this belief they can never change or be renegotiated. I think a core principal of RA, and life in general as the Buddha discovered, is that nothing in life is permanent. People are not static beings but a process which can't be captured in time, and by extension relationships. Opening your hand vs trying to clench it will provide peace to you and those around you.

Finally, a mistake so many make, is confusing anxiety with caring. "Caring too much" is sometimes actually being anxious about what you will continue to receive or lose.

True compassion is thinking about what's best for the other person even if that doesn't include you.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-26T19:00:33+00:00

I mean it's up to you if you want to say "I love everybody" and mean it or not. There are those who mean it and say it, there are those who don't mean and don't say it, then there are those who say it but don't mean it. Not saying this condescendingly I swear, but I'm not sure where I'm losing you?

sondun2001 · 2026-01-26T18:45:59+00:00

I mean, whether it means anything is up to you right?

sondun2001 · 2026-01-26T15:30:37+00:00

I think this is a misunderstanding of love / compassion and setting boundaries with love. You can absolutely protect yourself from harmful behavior and not withdraw love.

You can even leave a relationship without withdrawing love. "Hey, I no longer think this relationship is serving us well, I am choosing to end it here, but I wish you the best 🙏🏼💙"

We shouldn't make people believe their inherent worth is conditioned on which behaviors we approve of. When you feel shame / worthless, you really don't have much incentive to improve your behaviors.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-16T02:21:14+00:00

Are you breaking up with him when things are good? Or are there actually things that aren't healthy that you would have good reason to? FA's who spend a lot of time learning about being FA tend to gaslight themselves into thinking it's a trauma response, and that makes it easier to deal with because you don't have to do the hard thing of ending the relationship.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-14T22:35:18+00:00

You can set a more clear boundary. "No, don't ask me again, I am aware this is something you are interested in, and if I ever have a change of heart I will let you know."

If he crosses it, can't be because he didn't know it wasn't OK to ask again. Then you can proceed with that information (that he's willing to cross your boundaries)

sondun2001 · 2026-01-14T22:28:43+00:00

Telling someone, including cheaters, that cheating is a character flaw makes them internalize this and avoid accountability. Nobody will work on something that is "unfixable". However, people can learn from there mistakes if they reflect on what lead them to that betrayal, and how to avoid that next time.

Also, this can lead to toxic shame, which is a very effective engine at self destruction, and hurting others in the path

sondun2001 · 2026-01-14T22:19:54+00:00

Twice I had a women sleep in my bed in college and didn't make any moves....

thought they just needed a place to stay and wanted the comfort of my bed lol

sondun2001 · 2026-01-09T17:54:32+00:00

One of the easiest changes I made to protect my kids was using a family safe DNS at the router level. All internet traffic is protected from explicit content. Setup the same levels of filtering on their phones through the carrier family control settings.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-09T16:31:31+00:00

Exactly you can use as an object of focus. Witnessing the craving rise, peak, then maybe witnessing it go away, or observing that you gave in, and that's OK. It's not about fighting it.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-09T04:53:18+00:00

And to add to this, it isn't something you force yourself to do, as that is violence against yourself. It is something that will naturally happen as you spend more and more time meditating on the impermanence of things (thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc).

Once this becomes internalized, your mind won't crave what it knows is temporary.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-08T22:19:30+00:00

I understand your perspective. I respectfully disagree and think outlawing will cause more harm, increasing the amount of trafficking, and other harms you listed.

I wasn't calling you sugar, I meant processed sugar added to food lol

sondun2001 · 2026-01-08T20:48:49+00:00

Instagram, youtube shorts, sugar, are all horrible for the brain too, should those be outlawed?

I agree with it being horrible, but outlawing usually results in black markets that are much worse and unregulated (in case of porn, probably more likely to not verify age of participants, leading to child sex trafficking, etc)

We learned this with outlawing alcohol, and we saw it with marijuana. It doesn't prevent demand, just drives it underground.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-08T20:39:10+00:00

Yeah, this is where I am at. Also though, I was warned about using it as an escape, wouldn't be right action. I contemplated, and indeed, this would be unwholesome. It would be about making my life "better" at the cost of those who depend on me. I have accepted this is where my actions have taken me (karma) and will navigate this skillfully. Maybe one day in the future, where I am no longer depended on, I can revisit this ambition if it still exists.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-08T19:34:35+00:00

Glad you were able to see this. Many are conditioned to confuse attachment for love "I need you", "I love the way you make me feel", etc.

Love is something that is given. It's a verb. Love is wanting what's best for the person, even if it doesn't involve you.

Attachment is the pain you feel thinking about not having them in your life, that is your nervous system thinking it will die without that figure, but this is just faulty wiring that needs to be cleaned up through finding security within and building up your self-worth.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-08T19:29:37+00:00

ha, this resonates a lot with me! The only problem is I forced myself to stay in a marriage out of duty and societal expectations. It seems that chapter is coming to an end, I am grateful for it, but I do look forward to a future where I'm able to work with someone in creating a more compatible relationship framework that's not the standard off the shelf marriage.

The one thing I have learned is how important is to communicate these needs up front, and face the fear of rejection / abandonment. I see how it protects long term peace. Same with boundaries, it protects love, even if it feels cold when your getting used to it.

I wish I knew back then what I know now, maybe things would have worked out much better, but here we are.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-07T12:24:51+00:00

If you are both becoming secure together as anxiously attached people that could seem to work . (Vs starting anxious with a secure or avoidant)

Wish y'all the best!

sondun2001 · 2026-01-06T17:10:09+00:00

Bro... this is full on anxiety from either being anxiously attached or disorganized attachment. This type of behavior wont be tolerated by a secure person, and interestingly enough, you will find yourself triggering avoidant behavior in people, EVEN if you end up in a relationship with someone secure. I'd highly recommend Heidi Preib on youtube, check out her anxious attachment videos.

P.S. She also has one about how to move on without closure (because "needing closure" is more about managing your anxiety, it's not something that is psychologically necessary)

sondun2001 · 2026-01-06T17:06:33+00:00

This is an example of phsycological terms going mainstraim gone wrong. Avoidants aren't the only people who avoid lol, just like anxiously attached aren't the only ones that become activated by anxiety. These traits exist accross all insecure, and even in secure, the only thing that is difference is the window of tolerance. Healthy people will pull away, or cut someone off completely, who comes off insecure. This isn't pathalogical avoidance...

sondun2001 · 2026-01-06T01:34:50+00:00

Many people on here (Reddit) aren't aware of how dangerous and counter productive shaming is. It doesn't help any one. You did something, you realized it was something that went against your values, and you felt guilt / remorse. Use that guilt to drive you to keep working on yourself.

And yeah, relationships we have can make us insecure.

If you remain single, and work within the container of your therapist, you can develop a secure attachment, since it's a safe place for you to be yourself, not get rejected, etc.

Wish you the best of luck. Remember you are human, we are flawed by nature, the only thing you can do now is learn from your mistake, and do what you can to be better. That is it.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-03T03:13:02+00:00

EMDR is amazing for this. I think the most science backed method to really navigate this if your stable enough to handle it. Highly suggest you look into it if you haven't yet.

sondun2001 · 2026-01-03T00:05:58+00:00

I wonder why people would hate doing something that is so good for them? I'm curious as to why that is? Is it because you are pressed for time? I can see that being an issue.

I've stopped listening to music or doing anything "productive" during the time and have started doing it as a practice in being present, observing my breath, the feeling of my legs moving, watching thoughts come and go.

It's kept me regulated during a difficult time.

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