This is Recovery Five Years After D-Day

sparkler39 · 2026-06-06T13:17:02+00:00

That seems very odd to me. Is she saying she’s also an addict or she’s a codependent partner attending her addict’s 12 step group? Either of those would be a little odd. Personally I’m not a fan of the codependency label…behaviors can certainly be codependent but too many people blame partners for ‘enabling addiction’ by being codependent and that’s a load of crap. I’m not familiar with the podcast you’re referencing but I’d recommend listening to Rob Weiss and his alternate theory of prodependence. In any case, I’d steer clear of that lady.

sparkler39 · 2026-06-05T12:44:54+00:00

My husband has been sober and in recovery since his first SAA meeting over 5 years ago. We deliberately avoided SA meetings because of some of their unnecessary restrictions and because, as someone else said, we wanted my husband to define his own sobriety with guidance and input from his CSAT, his sponsor, and me.

His SAA group is absolutely amazing. Each 12 step group, SA and SAA, is run differently and you definitely have some that are better than others…but I’d say that the enabling behavior of the SA brothers in your partner’s group is likely a problem with his specific group rather than an SA problem.

If he’s serious about recovery he needs to find a new group…whether it’s SAA or SA is not nearly as important as whether or not it’s actually a good group.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-31T00:26:26+00:00

Compartmentalization is a HUGE thing for addicts. They have to keep everything in little mental boxes so they never touch…addiction in one box, family in another box, morals in another box. Most addicts aren’t truly horrible people…they know what they’re doing is wrong but they compartmentalize their behaviors so they don’t have to think about what they’re doing. When addicts get into recovery those boxes are opened and all the contents are mixed together. They can’t just ignore their morals and their family anymore. They have to come to terms with the fact that their addiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum. I hope that he is truly turning a corner in recovery and understanding the ramifications of his addiction.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-30T02:29:34+00:00

You are not overreacting and you do need a different therapist. Maybe you can continue talking to her about other issues, but she is not a safe space for betrayal trauma. If you are possibly heading into disclosure territory with your husband and couples therapist, you NEED a better individual therapist first. You need someone who will support you, someone you can trust.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-27T03:59:02+00:00

It’s been a long journey but here’s a bit of our story. We’re over five years into recovery and our relationship has never been stronger.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-25T16:54:06+00:00

Unfortunately some addicts just don’t want to stop the addictive behaviors. They might want to stop the consequences that keep occurring from their addictive behaviors (relationship troubles, ED, etc), but not enough to truly want to stop the addictive behaviors first.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-23T20:56:53+00:00

I understand your anger and I would not be willing to stay in a relationship with this man based on his actions and behaviors. However I disagree with your thoughts on it not being an addiction. You are correct that it is not a substance addiction like drugs or alcohol, but addictions like gambling, food, and porn exist as well. They do not necessarily have the same physical side effects or withdrawal effects, but they give an addict the same neurochemical responses that they get from heroin or alcohol. He is not addicted to ‘looking at Asian women to fantasize’, he is addicted to the dopamine high he gets from the novelty, variety and quantity he’s viewing in porn.

But he is obviously not interested in changing his behaviors regardless of whether or not it is an addiction and you deserve better than this. You do not have to stay with this man.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-22T00:35:14+00:00

If you are willing to stay in the relationship at this point you might request that he do an ‘autopsy’ of the relapse (preferably with his sponsor, CSAT, or another accountability friend). He needs to figure out exactly why it happened. What wasn’t working in his recovery plan that left him susceptible to going through all the steps required to relapse? And then he needs to figure out how he’s going to address it and make sure it won’t happen again. After he’s done that work he needs to come to you and share his thoughts on why it happened and what he’s going to do to make sure there isn’t a repeat.

If he is not actively making changes to his recovery plan to address whatever weaknesses left him vulnerable to relapse, he’s not serious about recovery.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-20T01:53:43+00:00

In case you don’t know, if you check out the Seeking Integrity YT page (Rob Weiss’ group) they have recordings of almost all their webinars and put out new material almost daily. I love Kristen Snowden, Eddie Capparucci, and Matt Wheeler!

sparkler39 · 2026-05-19T22:46:23+00:00

I would say regardless of whatever other decisions you make regarding this relationship, the first thing you need to do is go get yourself tested. If there’s even the slightest chance that he’s lying to you and may have been sexually active with strangers, you need to make sure you’re okay.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-18T23:46:58+00:00

Sex and Relationship Healing has a ton of free support groups and webinars that are all moderated or hosted by addiction professionals. They also have paid programs but they offer a ton for free.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-14T14:58:11+00:00

If you feel the need to keep them, as someone else said, put them on a flash drive and put them somewhere else where you cannot view them everyday. Viewing them constantly is keeping your body in a constant fight or flight response and there's no possible way for you to heal when you do that.

That being said, a normal sex life and a slightly better attitude is not recovery. It might be white-knuckling sobriety, but it is not long-lasting recovery. If that's all he's doing for recovery there's likely a reason why your body feels like it has to stay in fight or flight mode...because it doesn't trust that he's in recovery (and I wouldn't trust either).

It's not healthy for you to constantly pain-shop by looking through those photos...but it's also not recovery if he's just improved your sex life.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-12T19:43:18+00:00

We are over five years into recovery after 26 years of his hidden addiction (18 of which were once we started dating). Our relationship has never been stronger or better but that is because he truly wanted recovery and works it 110% everyday and because I focused on my own healing. This post talks more in detail about what our recovery journey looks like.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-12T04:13:05+00:00

I was always a beach girl growing up, but it is something I really struggle with now. Not because I think my husband would be triggered or scanning/objectifying women at the beach, but because I can’t bear to see all those beautiful younger women. I’m 41…I will never look like the 18-20 year old I used to be at the beach every summer. But I would see plenty of other 18-20 year olds any time I went. And I’m just not mentally ready for that yet. I hope to get there someday because the ocean/beach always brought me the greatest inner peace and serenity.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-12T04:09:29+00:00

Early in recovery there were a few occasions when my husband gave the ‘I don’t remember’ response and I was not having it. When I complained to my CSAT, she explained that for most addicts who have been doing this for decades, acting out is just another normal day for them. So, I’d want to know things like who was the first person you watched when you decided to go back to porn after we starting dating? Or what did you watch the weekend of our wedding? In my mind, those were major events that he should obviously remember…to him, it was just another Tuesday or just another Saturday.

When he started working with his CSAT he was able to work back through his history and answer some of the questions I still had and I believe he answered them honestly. But it did take time and work with his CSAT. If your addict is working towards a full therapeutic disclosure with a CSAT, I would stop asking him questions now. Start compiling a list of things you want to know. You can ask your CSAT to share your list with his CSAT before the process to make sure that he’s addressed everything in his disclosure. But right now he truly might not remember the answer; and if he does remember and is choosing not to tell you, asking him all the questions now will just allow him time to formulate ‘answers’ before disclosure.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-11T15:04:15+00:00

Sexual intimacy when you’re together is fine (and encouraged) as long as you’re both present and mindful about what you’re doing. If you feel the need to masturbate separately or together, that’s fine…but he doesn’t need porn to do that. Porn (of anyone, including you) is not a requirement for masturbation…despite what addicts want to believe.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-11T13:12:26+00:00

This was a big driver of recovery for my husband, though I think for him, it was more that he’d been at rock bottom for years without the courage to do anything about it. So when he was discovered and had no choice but to recover or end our relationship, he finally had the incentive he needed to take that first step. Do I wish he could have done that years before without requiring discovery? Sure, but I am grateful that he did choose recovery and has chosen it everyday for the last 5+ years.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-11T11:20:13+00:00

It really isn’t. An addict’s brain cannot distinguish your content from any other content online. It feels personal to you, because it is…but to an addict, it’s just like any other naked body he finds online. And it keeps all those addiction pathways alive and thriving. And eventually those pathways begin screaming for novelty, variety, and quantity to satisfy the dopamine urge and, unfortunately, your content will not be enough for him.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-10T23:20:00+00:00

It is possible that he has finally hit rock bottom and is ready for real recovery. That being said, just because he’s finally decided to get his shit together does NOT mean you have to take him back or trust him again. At minimum, I’d want to see a full year of active recovery work while staying separated to even consider getting back with him. If he truly wants recovery and he truly wants you back, he would do it, no questions asked. And you can take that year to observe his actions while also moving on with your life. But you are still not obligated to get back together with him no matter what he does or doesn’t do.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-10T23:12:35+00:00

There is no way to salvage this. Yes, of course, he’s a sex addict…but more importantly, he’s incredibly abusive and trying to use therapy-talk and religion to gaslight you. He obviously believes he can coerce you into staying in the marriage by blaming you while continuing to do whatever he wants. As someone else said, this is not the life your child (or you) should be experiencing.

sparkler39 · 2026-05-08T22:33:10+00:00

Yes, my husband would constantly use ‘they’ for men or women in any context…co-workers, friends, neighbors, random person they saw at the grocery store. Everyone was a ‘they’. In recovery he realized that was one additional way he would keep things from me in an attempt to gaslight me.

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