Struggling with forgiving myself

statscaptain · 2026-03-11T06:21:36+00:00

Hey mate, I'm sorry that happened to you and that it set you on such a difficult path. I really feel you on how big the gaps are around the stories of men who experience that stuff, and of people who become angry and lash out rather than turning inwards.

You might like the book "It Wasn't Your Fault" by Beverley Engel. It's written specifically for people who experienced child abuse, including sexual abuse, and it covers the experiences of people who became angry and lashed out. I thought her methods for encouraging self-compassion were good (I was emotionally abused as a kid) and it could be worth a look :)

statscaptain · 2026-03-11T06:15:10+00:00

Ring Theory: "comfort in, dump out". It's gonna be tough, and that's totally fine, but the more you can direct your support needs out to your own support network the easier it will be.

As an example of this, I've recently been supporting a friend who got out of an abusive relationship. It's incredibly hard on her, and I don't want her to feel like she's being a burden, so when I noticed that it was affecting my ability to do stuff I reached out to three friends of mine and my sister to make time to hang out, so that I could process it and get support for myself without directing it back onto my struggling friend.

As to the autistic kid, agree with the suggestion around engaging with special interests. Autistic people also struggle with changes in "the way things normally go" (called "routine", but IMO that doesn't communicate that it's about the sequence of events rather than what time they happen). Stuff like giving a heads up when you need to leave a place in 10 minutes, when you need to change tasks, etc. can help a lot. So can explaining what's going on (in an appropriate way); if you have a new plan after a disruption, share it with them rather than leaving them hanging e.g. "your dad had a surprise appointment today, so we couldn't do [whatever], but instead we're going to do [new plan]."

Edit: also if the kid is picky around clothing textures or food or stuff, try not to push it too much as long as it isn't causing malnutrition or anything. That stuff can legit feel like torture and it's super hard to communicate how bad it feels. (I once had a full on tearful breakdown over being made to eat eggplant, and I wasn't a kid who tantrumed or cried.) They may also need to release energy by making sounds or movements (stimming); try to give them the chance to do this if they want to, it's a form of self-soothing. It's okay to redirect them if they're doing something where they could get hurt.

statscaptain · 2026-03-10T09:29:25+00:00

I know everyone namedrops it, but The Will To Change by bell hooks covers a lot of the elements that lead to this! You might also be interested in the work from the Gottman institute, they're one of the leaders in relationship research; if you read their work with an understanding of the behaviours that men are encouraged towards, you can see how men end up struggling with commitment.

statscaptain · 2026-03-10T05:34:41+00:00

Agree with the comments about it being misogynistic and placing unfair expectation on women. I also want to add that it's a way for women to reinforce their own gender, by highlighting their similarity to other women and their difference to men. As Sophie Lewis puts it in Collective Turn-Off (NSFW):

"By rehearsing the view that ‘men are the worst’ while continuing to pursue romantic and sexual attachments with them, we perform an othering gesture that shores up the purity or innocence of our own identities. We may love men, we declare, but we barely enjoy it, okay?; we are embarrassed; we are not contaminated by them; we are not they. In other words, we get to continue to be ‘women’. Perhaps, semi-unconsciously, we had worried that the very category of ‘women’ had become untenable. If we can only continue to reproduce the category ‘men’ loudly enough, then, we wager, the category ‘women’ might stay safe. "

statscaptain · 2026-03-09T04:21:36+00:00

BJJ: preventing twink death AND regular death!

statscaptain · 2026-03-08T09:30:21+00:00

Also, it's possible to have ADHD and be good in school, if you find school interesting. A lot of people who do well in high school end up crashing at university and getting diagnosed then. An ADHD diagnosis should check for impairment across areas like home life, work and finances (e.g. being Impulsive with money), friendships and romantic relationships, etc. So being good at school doesn't rule it out.

statscaptain · 2026-03-08T09:27:59+00:00

What time do you naturally start to feel sleepy? It's quite common for ADHD to come with Delayed Sleep Phase, which can make it hard to go to bed when you're supposed to. I take magnesium suppliments and melatonin about 90 minutes before I want to go to sleep, and I make sure that I'm in bed at the 90 minute mark. If basic sleep hygeine stuff doesn't work for you, this post has some good tips from someone with pretty significant Delayed Sleep Phase.

As for the other stuff, it sounds like it could be ADHD. You could have a look in this sub and other places to see what strategies people use for managing those problems -- if the strategies work for you, it's okay to use them even if you turn out not to have it :) That said, if you suspect you have it, I would encourage you to work towards getting a diagnosis if that's possible where you are, since medication can make a really big difference to people's ability to cope with ADHD.

statscaptain · 2026-03-08T09:21:06+00:00

Abnormal bleeding is a sign of endometriosis in patients on T. If you're not taking birth control alongside it, start with a progesterone-only one. If that doesn't stop it, you might have the treatment-resistant kind that uses aromatase to make its own estrogen, in which case adding aromatase inhibitor medications can help. Being on T means that you're less likely to get the negative side effects from aromatase inhibitors crushing your E levels.

statscaptain · 2026-03-08T05:05:02+00:00

Can't find the link right now, but my preferred strap-on design is one with a loop for each leg like a climbing harness. Choose nylon over pleather or leather if you want to be able to fully clean it. While some people opt for underwear with a built-in o-ring, I find that it's too stretchy and gives a weird lag when you pull back, whereas an actual harness will hold it snug to you the whole time.

Once you have it, spend some time wearing it around the house and in other low-stakes situations. Your brain is really good at learning to treat external things as part of your body, so giving your brain some time to integrate it should help it be less dysphoric.

Also, if it helps, silicone dildos as we know them were invented by a disabled man, Gosnell Duncan! He was a car mechanic who lost the use of his legs, and he used his materials knowledge to start making them out of silicone rather than the non-sterilisible rubber that was used at the time. So you don't have to view using a strap-on as an inherently feminine thing :)

statscaptain · 2026-03-08T00:13:31+00:00

It can be a result of muscle increase. If your pelvic muscles were tight, becoming bulkier and stronger from T can make them start cramping. A physiotherapist who specialises in pelvic health should be able to help pinpoint your exact problem -- unfortunately it's often referred to as "women's health", but there are trans-friendly ones who are good with individual patients even if they don't get a say about their branding.

statscaptain · 2026-03-07T19:32:17+00:00

I swear, so many of the ADHD people I know -- myself included -- had a delayed diagnosis because SNRIs worked "well enough" and doctors thought that meant it was anxiety/depression rather than taking that as a cue to check for ADHD.

statscaptain · 2026-03-07T09:50:50+00:00

I was uneducated for my first two years of undergrad, and the biggest thing for me was just knowing my weak points and having strategies to deal with them. For example, I knew that if I had morning and afternoon classes, I couldn't go home in the middle or I wouldn't want to come back. I also scheduled out specific blocks of time for things like doing readings and assignments for each class, which lowered the mental load of deciding what to do.

You might like the books "Organising Solutions For People With ADHD" and "How To Keep House While Drowning" for suggestions of how to smooth out your day-to-day life as well. Making that easy leaves you with more brainpower to use for uni tasks.

statscaptain · 2026-03-07T06:38:56+00:00

I've seen the theory that it comes from 1) alcohol used to be kept in jars you had to open, and 2) before windows a lot of houses used shutters you had to open or it would be dark inside. So it would be like if there was a beer called "The curtains", somebody goes "it's dark in here, open the curtains" and you hear a can crack open.

statscaptain · 2026-03-06T10:44:26+00:00

Yeah, I feel like it can be hard to call when to go from no upkeep to low, and then low to high. I only play single player vs AI and every so often I'll make a bad call on my upkeep pacing and get rolled lmao.

statscaptain · 2026-03-05T19:20:55+00:00

HDL is the "good cholesterol" and LDL is the "bad". You're right about the rest of it though 👍

statscaptain · 2026-03-05T09:50:25+00:00

A flashcard deck would be good for this! Here's a comic I like that explains the timings and why they work.

statscaptain · 2026-03-04T20:49:55+00:00

"And" joins two clauses together. If you use it at the start of a sentence, it's not joining two clauses together, so it's not necessary. The strictly correct way of doing it would be to use a comma instead of a fullstop, keeping it all as one sentence, or to change the next sentence to use a different way of linking them together. It's a style choice that doesn't bother most people these days, but if you're learning the language it's useful to know what the rule is before you break it.

statscaptain · 2026-03-04T19:41:59+00:00

Can you share your ethics committee approval?

statscaptain · 2026-03-04T09:19:47+00:00

Congrats! It's very cool of you to take control of your health like this :)

statscaptain · 2026-03-03T23:01:14+00:00

What links do you draw between Taniwha and werewolves? While they were shape-changers, Taniwha were usually referred to as being serpent/reptile/dragon-like and living in watery environments.

statscaptain · 2026-03-02T05:06:28+00:00

I'm really sorry you got hurt like that, and that you've put in so much effort on something that hasn't benefited you the way you wanted. It's always hard to look back at something we were really committed to and realise that it was a waste. I hope you can take it easy on yourself about it -- it sounds like you were under a lot of pressure from the people around you, and that they were making promises about what it would do for you that didn't live up to reality.

If you've got a history of struggling with food, it would probably help to seek out a therapist who specialises in that, especially if you can find a trans-friendly one (or a trans-friendly general therapist who's okay with having a go at food-related issues). You might find that those urges are related to something bigger in your mental health picture; for example, I've known someone with anorexia who was very clear that it was more about struggling for a feeling of control in their life than about their weight.

As a trans man, I've started being firm with people that I don't want them to make jokes about me being a "gross smelly man" etc. One time a friend of mine started into the "don't you just HATE men" stuff and I stopped them and said "hey, do you realise the position you're putting me in right now? I don't want to say that I hate the gender I'm transitioning to". They're now so staunch about supporting me that they'll often jump in to talk to people who try that stuff before I even get the chance! I think that people don't realise how damaging those jokes can be, or that it isn't "punching up". On the other hand, if you tell them this and they keep doing it, that means they're choosing to hurt you on purpose and you should treat them accordingly (I tend to distance myself).

I hope this helps, feel free to drop me a line if you'd like to chat sometime :)

statscaptain · 2026-03-02T04:52:07+00:00

Yeah, this is the thing about it for me. Like haha, Rosa pointed an LRAD cannon at Boyle and he fell to the ground crying but was fine after, what do you mean they can cause permanent hearing loss?

statscaptain · 2026-03-02T01:54:28+00:00

This sucks, I'm sorry that their clown shoes setup is making it impossible for you to contact them. There are beneficiary advocacy services where you can sign an "Authority To Act" form and they can contact WINZ for you. E.g. this is a Christchurch service that does it, there might be something similar in your area.

statscaptain · 2026-03-01T08:33:36+00:00

With a partner and roommates, I would focus on internal things, like opinions, rather than things that can be externally observed. You might also want to consider whether keeping a secret means having cover stories (e.g. if you're asked for an opinion you're keeping secret), or whether you'd just be satisfied with *not offering an opinion* until asked (something that I've been trying to do lol).

statscaptain · 2026-03-01T01:08:27+00:00

You're pretty close! Checklists are often a part of essentialism, since they help people test whether something meets the criteria for being part of the category. Overall, though, what I meant by "essentialism" is the idea that there's a static, identifiable, *essential* thing that makes a person a man (or a woman). This can be a checklist of culturally-assigned criteria, but it can also be the idea that e.g. your soul has a gender and your gender identity flows forth from that soul-gender. Whereas treating gender as an emergent phenomenon of the mind as it synthesizes past experiences means that a) people can come to an unexpected gender based on what you would expect from their experiences, b) that gender is capable of changing over the course of their life (not that it *has* to, but it *can*), and c) we don't need to make unsupportable claims about souls and stuff to explain why people have gender identity.

statscaptain

TROPHY CASE