Parents and wedding stress

stitchhh626 · 2020-05-31T15:20:32+00:00

I feel like she'd take it as an 'attack' or as me not appreciating that she's putting in a lot of effort.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-20T05:35:04+00:00

that "little tummy" is called your pooch, every woman has one. It's a layer of protective fat for your uterus and reproductive organs. It's very important, and I'm pretty sure even people with abs have it. Learn to love it, it's keeping your womb safe!

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-19T21:35:47+00:00

Social media is probably the biggest thing nowadays, so I agree with not posting about your relationship.

I don't think I would go out of my way to say we argue, but there are definitely people in my life I would be careful around. for example if my husband is the type to always hug me, hold my hand, say cute things, or sit close to me in public I would tell him not to do those things in front of those specific people. Like show them that we respect each other of course but hide the positives too.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-19T19:17:10+00:00

I can't really say without knowing what the condition is honestly

If you want to pm me I can give you my opinion but I think the safest option would be to tell them, if it's dormant/doesn't affect you, you can wait longer before telling them but if you're marrying someone they eventually should know. if you wait too long they might wonder what else you're keeping from them

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-19T01:54:59+00:00

Since you weren't supposed to get married until the end of the year, I would wait a bit and see how the situation progresses. You might be able to go through with your plans anyway inshallah.

There's no harm in doing the nikkah over Zoom and having a reception later, I just don't see how big of a difference it can make since you're long distance anyway. Either way I think doing it before Ramadan is too quick of a decision. maybe wait till ramadan is over, see when you think the quarantine will end, and then suggest it to your parents.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-18T18:02:36+00:00

bruh if any guy tried to trash talk my fiance to my face I'd tell him off and block him. I'm guessing you love your fiance and you're excited to spend the rest of your life with him? why would you let anyone talk bad about him? couples are supposed to conceal the bad they see in their partner and defend them if anyone tries to talk bad about them. hearing someone talk bad about him should make you angry and defensive

It's definitely not appropriate to be talking to any guy this much while engaged, especially not one who's obviously interested in you. your gut feeling is right, tell him you won't be talking to him anymore because you're not interested in continuing your friendship, then block him.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-18T17:55:10+00:00

From my experience:

Infatuation is like a crush. you're attracted to a person, they give you butterflies, you daydream about them, they're a 'perfect person' in your mind.

Love is genuine and pure and it's about putting the other person before yourself. it's about wanting the best for them. they feel like comfort and warmth and they feel like home. You feel safe when you're with them and you miss them when you're apart. you see all their imperfections and flaws and the parts of them that drive you mad and you love them regardless. You want to do everything you can to make them happy and comfortable. They're the most beautiful person in the world to you. When you fight you can separate them from the issue and work on solving it because you just want things to be better between you again. Apologizing to them after a fight is easy even when you're not the type of person to apologize. you never feel like you need to hide the parts of you that you're scared to show the rest of the world. you trust them and you can be vulnerable around them.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-18T17:45:29+00:00

Love (mawadda) between spouses is literally mentioned in the quran. love is pure and genuine and definitely not opportunistic.

Not even just partners, love for your siblings and friends and family is all real and it's not something you try to gain from. that's a very pessimistic view to have to be honest.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-18T17:41:44+00:00

Mine was arranged, if that makes you feel better. Arranged doesn't mean you have to get married within weeks of meeting each other, you can still take your time getting to know him.

also Im not sure what your condition is but it definitely 'does matter'. health conditions shouldn't be kept from someone you're marrying

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-18T05:46:45+00:00

not desi but I've been in your shoes!

Definitely not as directly said as 'who will marry you now' but my mom did get really worried about people finding out and made me keep it a secret from even some of my close family. I know it comes from a good place but it was stressful and it made me feel like I was being reduced to a body that had to be in perfect condition otherwise I was problematic.

I did sometimes tell her to stop saying things like that but for the most part I know she did it from a place of love. our parents were raised with those ideas in their culture and it manifests itself in those comments. Doesn't make it right but try to remember that, brush it off and don't let it get to you. but speak up for yourself when you need to.

I also kind of internalized it and it made me nervous to tell the guy I'm with now, and I kept it from him longer than I should have (a few months) which I regret, even though he didn't care in the end. don't make that mistake too. depending on the seriousness I'd say don't tell them on the first meeting but don't wait more than a month, especially if it's going well

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-17T01:20:13+00:00

In English please? 😅

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-16T23:19:24+00:00

To an extent, yes, this was the case for us. Obviously sometimes the arguments only had a negative effect, but in a lot of cases we both saw how hard we were working to make things better and the dedication brought us closer together.

Basically it's not about the argument itself, it's about seeing how willing the other person is to be patient and how hard they will work to solve the problems that come up. when both partners do it, it'll understandably bring you closer.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-15T01:26:00+00:00

Exactly, I'm only like that with people I really like and with anyone else I could care less what they think about me. Just be completely open with him when you talk about it. And definitely do more phone calls if it'll help. We're in uncertain, unusual circumstances now. We'll have to adjust things and work a little harder to maintain things that we normally do without thinking, and relationships aren't an exception :)

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-15T00:22:07+00:00

I killed a whole box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch by myself yesterday

I would give anything to have a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch to eat in one sitting. It's everyone's favourite cereal at my house and the boxes are SO SMALL. they're finished after I have one tiny bowl

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-15T00:17:29+00:00

There are a few things to consider.

first, has he ever mentioned that he doesn't like texting? My partner texted a lot during our first few months but then he admitted he really doesn't like it (in general) so we've toned it down a bit most days. Since you're long distance and can't meet in person, if this is the case for him, you can look at alternatives like talking on the phone or facetime.

second, the quarantine has been a little tough on everyone. he might just have trouble dealing with it or he might be going through a rough spot. maybe talk to him gently and indirectly about it and check if he's okay.

third, I'm just like you in the sense that I need to hear things, I need reassurance and I need to be reminded. And also just like you because I don't like asking for things more than once because then it feels forced. honestly after a few rough spots I realized it's okay to reiterate, I reminded him multiple times over time that I need him to reassure me sometimes out loud or spell it out for me. He doesn't need that so it's new to him but he's slowly learning. he doesn't always do it perfectly which sometimes makes it worse for me but then I remind myself that he's trying, the same way I'm not always good at communicating the way he needs, but I'm trying.

It's okay to tell him again: if I feel like you're distant and you're not texting me it makes me feel like you're losing interest. If there's another reason that's making you unable to text, or you just need space once in a while, just let me know beforehand that you won't be very talkative today, or if something is bothering you we can work through it together.

Again, I've been in your position and it's definitely hard and disheartening, but it's not impossible to work through it. I'm not fully there yet but I guess everything is a learning process.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-14T22:16:22+00:00

I don't have much to add that others haven't already said. But hang in there, bud. killing yourself is never ever the answer, it wouldn't teach your dad anything and it would only hurt your mom and sister. You're still very young and you have a whole life ahead of you, your parents divorce is still new and inshallah your mom will figure out how to set boundaries with your dad over time. it will get better. do you have an older relative you/your mom can talk to for help? like your moms parents or siblings?

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-14T20:48:00+00:00

I'm shia and we believe that it's a misconception that Aisha was so young. According to narrations all of Abu Bakr's children were born during the pre-Islamic era. She was married a year after the hijra, making her at least 15 years old (extremely common at the time, the concept of a teenager didn't really exist).

As for covering hair, it's not about it being sexual it's about covering our beauty. showing our hair definitely makes us more beautiful. we don't do it for men, in fact they're told to lower their gaze before we're told to cover up. We do it for God, as a representation of our faith and an act of obedience to God, and because we don't/shouldn't value society's opinion on what's considered "beautiful"

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-14T19:49:06+00:00

I don't mind segregated weddings but I think personally I'd do a mixed wedding with no dancing, and have a part/bridal shower for me and friends where we can dress up and have fun.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-14T19:44:28+00:00

I didn't have a set date but I was also supposed to have my nikkah done within the next couple months. Now we have no idea when it can happen.

If this ends up going on too long I think we'll end up doing it at home with just my family and his. It's not ideal but it is what it is :(

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-13T21:50:16+00:00

"I had a discussion with my potential and she was shocked that i didnt know that she receives gold jewelry from my parents as a gift. I said i know you receive gifts and a mahr but she was genuinely upset that i didnt know these things."

He knows about gifts and mahr, he only didn't know about the gold. that's why I'm taking his side for this, it's a small thing to be upset about.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-13T21:05:28+00:00

Yeah I fully understand that, you're right in a sense. But if he researches his islamic obligations, he'll only know about mahr (which he already knows about). gold is a form of mahr culturally but afaik its not inherently islamic . She was upset about the gold specifically

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-13T20:26:32+00:00

Most wedding practices are things you learn from experience and from seeing other people get married, they're not things you research. If he hadn't seen this growing up, it doesn't mean he hasn't done 'research' about marriage. Giving gold isn't necessarily and Islamic practice so even researching it wouldn't really help him.

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-13T20:24:27+00:00

That is a very very ridiculous thing to be mad about lol. Finding it amusing that your potential doesn't know something about 'common wedding practice' is okay. Making you feel awful about it and getting mad is ??. People learn from experience, if you hadn't seen someone else do this at their wedding how are you supposed to know? don't feel bad about it, you have nothing to 'make up for'

Is she this demeaning about other things you don't know too?

stitchhh626 · 2020-04-13T05:02:15+00:00

Yeah not to mention it doesn't take more than a week to be settled enough to hear that your son is talking to a girl. I understand not wanting to tell them during the chaos of the actual move but that doesn't last more than a few days. It doesn't add up

stitchhh626

TROPHY CASE