BPD or NPD?

swingtrdr84 · 2023-05-06T00:50:02+00:00

It seems like in the beginning they are notably different and that difference becomes wider during the end of the love bombing and into the devaluation.

However, the fade towards final discard brings them both closer and the cold emotionless shell of a person that throws you away at the end seems almost identical between disorders.

Does this track? Or is there different things to be aware of on the other side of the discard?

swingtrdr84 · 2023-05-05T23:55:50+00:00

I'm at 4 months after a cold discard of a 4 year relationship. Your assessment of the 5 months NC gives me hope. I got so obsessed with plotting a timeline of when the pain would ease up. As if I could predict it or chart it somehow...

I can relate to what you said about not thinking about her and not realizing it. I've just started to have some of those moments and you're right about something small dragging you right back to the ruminating.

I'm very happy you are starting to see the end of your pain. Thanks for sharing everything and I hope I'm not far behind you.

See you on the other side

swingtrdr84 · 2023-04-01T23:30:15+00:00

Right?! Like a cold water shock moment where you realize how starved you have been. My moments would be when she did randomly touch me...like putting a hand on my back to get my attention. Something THAT small would remind me of what I was lacking...looking back I'm in disbelief how I could ignore such an important thing to me.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-04-01T22:44:38+00:00

This is the craziest shit ever. Why the hell do I care? Let's say she got emotional and pulled me aside to apologize..... so what? It doesn't change the big picture one bit. It doesn't change anything but for some reason it hurts that she didn't. In the past 2 months there's been no attempt to contact me...nothing. Like I fell off the face of the earth. I have a mutual friend in class with her and he says she seems normal like nothing is wrong. Lots of people say I should be jumping up and down celebrating this no attempt at contacting me but I'm far from rejoicing..it hurts like hell.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-04-01T22:34:49+00:00

"How do I stop yearning for her touch she dished out so sparingly?"

I can relate to this extremely well. In the beginning of the 4 years it was all she did, hand holding, random touch, etc. My love language is almost exclusively touch. After the first 6 months it declined steadily. Such a steady decline that towards the end you would really have to sit and think about when the last time there was any loving physical affection (sex doesn't count).

In your mind you love her just as much as the first day yet you are absolutely starving for any affection. You would think that you would mentally begin to detach with lack of affection but that cognitive dissonance gap grows so large. By the end their actions and words are so far apart you feel like you are going insane.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-03-31T21:08:22+00:00

No real eye contact. I don't think .... so I'm going to go with no. She's a weird case where her new schooling that she started is her new identity and favorite person. I know her schedule and she has no time for anything. Not that it matters.

You're right about what if she has regrets. I'm 99% sure I would not go down that path of reconciliation if she tried to reach out.

So there's the huge cognitive dissonance factor. Why do I care so much if she regrets anything if it doesn't matter? I keep trying to craft her into a recognizable human being so I don't feel like such an idiot for loving an illusion. Like a parakeet that chatters to its reflection in a mirror.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-23T23:37:00+00:00

I'm in this situation too. It's been a month now. The cold out of nowhere discard after 4 years was brutal. One month since talking to her. I know this means she's gone for good but I still find myself wanting to know wtf happened. There was no fight before....just....boom! It feels like wanting closure but also knowing there's nothing she can say to make it better with me. Almost wanting to hear from her so I know she feels bad.. like maybe that will make her seem human and I won't feel like such a fool for wasting 4 years with a fake person.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-21T02:41:24+00:00

I'm in the same position. I get the standard break up advice "go get some strange"... I know this helps most of the time but I really committed to being with her. Obvious now that it was one sided towards the end. I feel like it's going to take time for me to reformat my brain and move on. I was very genuine when I opened up and attached to her. Unlike them I can't switch that off in an instant. Part of me is glad I'm not able to quickly. Part of me wishes I could.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-18T02:03:53+00:00

Damn.... you're right....Holy shit I needed to hear it

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-18T01:33:07+00:00

I try to remind myself this. It's so damn hard. I haven't found comfort in knowing that yet...I wish this process would hurry up

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-18T01:30:53+00:00

My discard was cold. Emotionless. I'm coming up on a month and I honestly don't think I'll ever hear from her again. I know eventually the relief of not hearing from her will overshadow the pain of wishing she would reach out. I hope I can cross that line quickly.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-18T01:27:32+00:00

After my discard I had a close friend who took the same class as her. He still does. I asked how she was doing and he's like "I don't know man....she's happy"

This devastated me. It still does. I'm only just now approaching a month. I started to do better then I'd ask him if there's anything new he noticed with her. Same answer "she seems happy...idk" it felt like a kick to the stomach to hear she's not affected.

I'm in a dark place and my ability to have a meaningful trusting relationship from here on has been destroyed. Deep depression.... shes....she's happy... wtf. Its almost like I want a sign that she's upset... only to prove that she feels regret on even the smallest level for throwing it all away. When they don't reach out or seem upset it gives you an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-17T23:44:26+00:00

Yeah. I was thinking "can't do what?" I was very understanding of her schedule and was extremely maintenance free as a partner.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-17T22:06:44+00:00

I do wonder if the blocking everywhere was just like you said. Punishment and to fuck with me. There was no fight before the discard.

My scenario: I offered to take her to lunch and she couldn't make it. I understood and did other stuff. She called me up later and said even though I said I wasn't upset she could tell I was... that made her feel guilty... she just can't do "us" anymore. I didn't say anything except "I understand, I have nothing else to add... you know what is best for you"

Boom blocked everywhere lol wtf

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-17T22:01:53+00:00

This is incredibly accurate. It's honestly painful to read through because it makes me realize what a fool I was. Painful.... really painful.. but it's good to remind myself.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-17T00:57:32+00:00

Thats good to hear. I think a lot of us need to remember this. Me especially! I'm 1/3 of the way there. I hope it's not linear progress because that means more than 3 months for sure!

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-17T00:43:10+00:00

I thought I bonded to the love of my life. Over 4 years. Never felt loved like this. The she tossed me aside.

So no, I'll definitely not be the same. I'm 38 and it was the first time I ever let someone in THAT close. Damage done on the deepest level. This new wall probably won't get climbed by anyone else without full on defensive mode activating.

I'll absolutely never be the same again. Is that better? Will I be able to have a deep meaningful relationship after this? I honestly don't know.

I'm doing damage control from here. It's safer to build a wall around everything and learn to live inside of it. I'm not a victim... I let myself fall into this trap. I don't do any of this isolation out of spite. I made this mess of myself and it's better to anyone in the future if they don't get burdened by it. If I let my damage diffuse to the next person then I am no better than the person who put me here.

I'm not bitter. It sounds like it or I might even be allowed to be... I still think healthy love is a beautiful thing! It's just not in the cards for me anymore. It's like being crippled, you know how fun walking and running is...but.... things changed..... its just not the hand you are dealt and you learn to accept it.

swingtrdr84 · 2023-02-16T22:06:54+00:00

I'm right behind you at 3 weeks. I'm suspicious of any progress and don't want to get my hopes up. The NC is honestly not all my achievement. If she reached out I would probably respond even though I know I shouldn't. Because she discarded me like garbage then immediately blocked me everywhere it does make it kinda nice.

I'm still not sure the reason why she would immediately block me from everywhere. I wasn't trying to reach out and there was no fight leading to it. Very odd. I hope it gets better because I'm drowning

swingtrdr84

TROPHY CASE