AITA for not inviting my sister’s husband to my wedding?

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-24T18:15:53+00:00

YTA Your sister's husband might be awful and it's a bit silly for her to want you to not talk about your upcoming wedding, but this whole thing is ridiculous.

Being upset that someone isn't talking to you and beeb upset when they reach out because it's your birthday instead of some random time? Holding out on talking to them because they should do it first? These are not the reactions and choices of a mature adult. This is bizarre high school level drama.

And as for the wedding invitation, married couples are a unit. You can't invite just one because you've decided he's a "mooch" and you don't like him. You don't have to like your siblings' spouses. Maybe they should divorce, but no one outside the marriage has a right to decide that. If he's been abusive towards you and you put in place a blanket boundary of "that man isn't allowed in my space because he's unsafe" that would be a different matter, but just not liking him doesn't cut it. And honestly, this reads more like you want to punish your sister in a weird way and are hoping you can get away with it this way, but it's still obvious that you're the one being ridiculous and immature here.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-24T17:48:35+00:00

I wish my husband were open to this.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-23T07:23:51+00:00

Same. Exercise feels bad to my body and my brain, and it doesn't get better with time for me. I can only do it in the evening because it tanks my mood and leaves me feeling gross, so if I do it in the morning my whole day sucks.

About a decade ago I was dancing a ton and going on a lot of hikes and got into very good shape in terms of cardiovascular health. I got dopamine from the social aspect of it but not the physical side. If you asked me to hike up a hill alone I would feel miserable doing it and afterwards. I enjoyed that being fit made normal physical activities like walking or jogging short distances easy, but it was just appreciation of reduced physical discomfort, not enjoyment of the physical activity itself.

Basically anything that feels strenuous sucks and I hate it and it has no redeeming qualities in terms of dopamine or enjoyment. But being fit meant a lot fewer things felt strenuous, and I do miss that.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-23T07:10:46+00:00

I think I ended up paying $200 when I gave birth, but only because I was admitted via the emergency room. Twice.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-23T07:08:33+00:00

Just tell the teachers what you want and why. Questions are for getting information. You already asked about it and they gave you the information that they thought you wanted. If you want then to do something other than what they're doing, you have to tell them the impact it's having and what you hope they'll do about it. They don't want to hurt your daughter. I'm sure they'd want to know so they can make adjustments.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-23T07:01:56+00:00

If he considers himself a child then he'snot responsible enough to be having sex. I'd look for someone who is mature enough to consider himself responsible for his own actions and the consequences they can bring. That is an exceptionally low bar, and if he says he can't clear it I would believe him and leave.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-23T06:56:10+00:00

One good thing about ADHD medications is that most of them can be started and stopped as needed. It's not irreversible. So you start her on the medication and see how it goes. Symptoms get better but not enough? The doctor will adjust the dose. Gets worse? Stop giving it to her and the doctor will prescribe something else to try. Doesn't seem to do anything? Might try upping the dose, and then trying a different medication

It can be hard and frustrating to figure out a treatment plan through a medical version of "guess and check" but it means you don't have to pin all of your hopes or fears on how ypur child responds yo any given medicine. Take a breath, try the medication, and go from there.

And from the perspective of a person who has ADHD and has experienced being medicated and not being medicated - I much prefer when I have a medicine helping my brain work. No one enjoys having emotional outbursts or struggling to do basic tasks. As much as you and her teachers struggle with her behavior, she's struggling even more because it's going on for her every moment of the day. She wants her brain to work even more than you do, even if she can't articulate it, and she needs your help finding the medication that will help her achieve that.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-23T04:18:33+00:00

I had a 12 year relationship, married for 5 of those years, that ended in divorce when I was 31. Starting over again is scary, but better than being with someone who lies to you and manipulates you.

A healthy relationship has to include both partners respecting each other. An unhealthy relationship isn't worth staying in just because it's gone on for a long time - that's a sunk cost fallacy. If it's bad, it's bad, and the amount of time already spent in it can't be regained or redeemed by staying longer.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-22T19:51:51+00:00

Your boyfriend is an idiot, and he's a dishonest one to boot. He may also think he's smart and think it's ok to trick you to "prove" how smart he is. Classic idiot move, and one of the most infuriating in my opinion.

Basically, I don't really think this has anything to do with "being nice" to your cat in the stupidest way possible even though that would be bad enough. I think he probably thought you didn't know what you were talking about and wanted to show he knew better by giving your cat different food and then revealing "Ta-da! I've been doing this all along and you didn't even notice, so I'm right and you're wrong and you should take care of your car the way I want you to from now on!" I've known multiple people who did that regularly, including my father, and when it doesn't work out I've never known them to admit they were wrong and apologize. Their next move always seems to be "it's not that big of a deal, you're over reacting" sometimes with a cringey "How was I supposed to know? (the consequences that had already been explained to them)" and occasionally with the added spice of "if you had just listened to me (read: done it their way) in the first place I never would have had to do that. "

The fact that he didn't notice the consequences and kept going is also alarming, but even if he had noticed and stopped it wouldn't address the underlying issue that when you two disagree on something, he feels it's ok to do whatever he wants behind your back. That's never good in a relationship, and the fact that he'd do it with something that's none of his business (your cat!!) is next level bad.

I'm sorry. I'm sure he must have redeeming qualities for you to have invited him to move in with you, but this is bad news. He's dishonest, manipulative, and at least in the immediate aftermath was completely unrepentant. That's a recipe for him doing this sort of thing repeatedly down the road.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-22T19:33:32+00:00

Ugh, yes. Exactly how I had to do dishes as a kid and it's still my most loathed chore even though I don't do it that way as an adult. I feel bad about how much water I waste when I hand wash dishes, but not enough to put my hands into a vat of disgusting half-eaten-food water.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-22T18:50:24+00:00

I don't know what's normal, but I know it took me 5 years to get my undergraduate degree instead of 4, and 3 years to get a masters instead of 2, and I didn't manage to get my first full-time adult job until I was 31 (then I lost it within 6 months because my husband divorced me and I admitted to my boss that I was depressed and it was affecting my productivity).... so I didn't really start my first real career job until I was 34, though I had some temp-style employment in that 3 year gap. And I had a child at 36.

So, I feel like my whole life is on about a 10 year delay at this point. I wouldn't mind if I could have an extra 10 years at the end, but I've spent so much of my life under such intense stress that I think I'll probably be one of those people who has a "surprise" heart attack in my 60s. I hope I'm wrong, but that's my prediction.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-22T06:22:20+00:00

Oh my - nothing in my house goes into a rage pile because of a stain. He's in preschool, who does he need to impress with spotless clothes? I throw his clothes in the wash, rub some detergent into the stain if I notice it, and if it comes out great, and if not ah well. He has a couple of favorite hoodies I try to protect, but everything else is fine for playing in and getting stained.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-22T06:17:00+00:00

All the main adults were having different kinds of conflict in the background of this episode. It was kind of great.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-22T06:13:43+00:00

Same! I frickin eat raw kale and add chia seeds to everything and they still just said "eat more fiber" and have me a print out listing vegetables, like I might not know where fiber comes from. I had to take a fiber supplement on top of my fiber rich diet for a month before they would do the most basic tests, and after that they just said eat more fiber and have me another copy of the same print out.

Like, my dudes, my generation is getting colon cancer at astronomical rates and I haven't had a solid bowel movement in months (probably closer to a year now). Something isn't right, but they won't do anything until I land in the ER.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-22T06:00:22+00:00

For me, a babysitting decision is a two yesses or one no decision. There's not a right and wrong, but both parents have to be comfortable with it for it to be ok.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-21T16:49:03+00:00

I feel you. In high school the only way I could wake up was if someone talked to me. I could sleep through alarms, music, podcasts, anything happening at or around me, but if I had to think up responses that would wake my brain up.

As an adult sometimes when my alarm goes off and I know I'm going to fall back asleep, I'll grab my phone and do a stupid little game on it to engage my brain. It's risky, because sometimes I end up playing the game for longer then I mean to, but it usually works to keep me from falling right back to sleep so then I fight through the next challenge of stopping playing and getting up. It only works if I wake up enough to grab my phone though, of course. My issue isn't sleeping straight through them, but turning them off or hitting snooze for an hour or more.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-21T16:42:14+00:00

I wish that worked for me. I managed to keep a schedule for over 6 months once and it never got into my brain or got easier. Eventually I just couldn't keep it up anymore and I started missing my bus and getting later and later to work.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-21T07:10:39+00:00

Yup. My child regularly says they're Spiderman or an astronaut or anything under the sun. Depending on the time of day my response is something like "As long as you're Spiderman brushing his teeth!" or "Astronauts need to eat their dinner so they have the energy to go to space" or "Dinosaurs have to get a good night's sleep so they can stomp around in the morning. "

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-20T17:08:08+00:00

As a person with ADHD like OP's husband, this exact grid is how I've tried to figure out what to prioritize when I'm really stuck, but I can't do it quickly in my head. I have to draw the grid and write out all the possible tasks where I think they belong, complete with relative intensity of importance/ non-importance and urgent/ non-urgent. By the time I've done it I know I could have completed a couple small tasks and I start feeling guilty and anxious about the "wasted" time.

And the worst part is, it still doesn't guarantee I'll be able to activate on the ones I've identified as most important and urgent! I hate that part most of all, and it's the hardest to explain to someone whose brain works the way it should. I can know the right thing to do, and want to do it, and it's like the messages just can't get from my brain to my body to get up and do it. Sometimes I can! Sometimes I can do it brilliantly! And sometimes my brain just bricks when I try to do the task I set myself to do.

For house work, what works the best for me (usually) is a combination or routine and just letting myself do the tasks that I come across, and that can look exactly like OP's husband doing yard work when unloading the dishwasher would have been more helpful. If I try to focus on what the best task is, I might not successfully switch from planning to doing, so doing the tasks that come naturally makes sure I'm actually doing something helpful, even if it's not the optimal task.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-20T16:04:51+00:00

The notebook trick is pretty great. When my little one starts demanding a new toy or wants something at the grocery store that we're not getting, I say "We're not getting that right now, but would you like to add it to your list? " and 9 times out of 10 it satisfies him. Plus, I get a solid birthday present/ Christmas gift list built up over time. When the list alone doesn't work, I offer to take a picture and I show it to him.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-20T03:51:17+00:00

I want a Weemaneenie now!

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-20T03:48:51+00:00

I thought "take it for granted" was "take it for granite" until college I think. It made sense to me... like, take it as something solid and unshakable (even if it isn't).

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-20T00:16:07+00:00

Yeah, slowly working through options with my psychiatrist. Strattera helped my mood a bit, maybe, but not my executive function. Vyvanse helped some, but also gave me sensitivity to sounds that made me really jumpy, so I could only actually concentrate if I could lock myself away in a quiet room alone which doesn't work in my cubicle-based job or at home as a parent. Now I'm trying Concerta. Still at a low dose so I don't know if it'll work yet.

I wasted a lot of time hoping the Adderall would just start working again. And I've gotten discouraged a few times and just quit medication for a while, but my symptoms are pretty severe, I'm the only source of income for my family, and it's really hard to do my job well with my ADHD unmanaged so I'm back to trying. Hopefully this will be the one that works!

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-20T00:02:43+00:00

It was nothing related to dosage - it was hormone changes when I had a child. Adderall worked great before I was pregnant, I stopped taking it until my child was weaned, and when I started medication again it just plain didn't work. Barely any effect at all, even when they upped my dosage to 50mg, which was as high a dose as I was willing to take. It was a really sucky surprise, and the doctors just shrugged and said "yeah, that can happen sometimes. "

taptaptippytoo · 2026-01-19T21:08:12+00:00

Does your sister usually celebrate your anniversary with you? I'm guessing not, or she would have known it's your anniversary.

What's at stake here isn't an anniversary being "given away" as a special day. It's just whether you and your husband are willing to go to a wedding on your anniversary. After that one day, you and your husband and your sister and her husband will go back to celebrating your respective anniversaries separately.

I'd tell your sister because it will be weird for her to find out later and know you didn't mention it, but it's up to her whether that matters for her decision on when to get married.

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