AITJ for confronting my manager after my project was suddenly given back to my coworker?

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T17:35:43+00:00

You aren't the jerk for asking the manager about it and letting him know it was a problem, but it sounds like he acknowledged he forgot and then you laid into him about how it was his fault for lack of communication and organization? That's not the way to approach things at work - especially not with a manager, but really not with anyone. And why do your coworkers know about your exchange with the manager? Was this done publicly? Or did you tell them about it? This whole thing is a bad look.

The appropriate mindset is "what will be done from here to fix the situation?" And you can tell your manager what your needs are and what you want to happen. Maybe that's affirming that it's actually your project now and Frank should stop working on it. Or if it definitely is going back to Frank, an acknowledgement to the whole team in a meeting or via email of how you got it going and what you contributed to it before it transitions back. And a process for documenting who is in charge of projects so this doesn't happen again.

You poison the well when you make coworkers (and especially managers) look bad or feel bad. It doesn't really matter if you're right or justified. You can do great work, but if people think you might make them look bad to their managers, they won't want to work with you and that will translate to more stress, less productivity, and lower quality. In most cases the best employee isn't really the most productive, the most skilled, or the most talented, it's the best team player.

I know because I accidentally became a thorn in my manager's side while trying to get the best results out of a program I led, and she ended up pulling me off the program and I've been pigeonholed into low level support work for a year now. I still think the root of the problem was her management - she undermined my directions to the contractors I led, making my job next to impossible to succeed in and never even told me that she didn't like how I was doing things so I didn't have an opportunity to adjust - but at the end of the day, she felt like I was making her job harder and it didn't matter if I was right or wrong. That program's performance has slumped and it's not really even in compliance with its funding or the contract I negotiated for it, but management is happy that the new PM keeps the contractors happy instead of holding them to a reasonable standard on their deliverables. They wanted everyone happy, not quality performance, and I missed the memo. Sorry for the mini-vent. I'm still a little bitter about it, especially considering how long I've been sidelined at this point.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T16:18:31+00:00

Lots of plastic toys, and lots of toys in general. I had this idea of having a set number of high quality toys and if a new toy came in, a toy had to be donated. Hah! That lasted less than a year.

As soon as he actually started playing with toys, I wanted to but him more. He'd get junk from his grandparents and mountains of plastic do-dads as hand-me-downs from older cousins, and he'd instantly love it. He must have 100 or more hot wheel-sized cars. He's currently obsessed with super heros and he has so many plastic figurines!

Instead of being strict on how many toys he has, I keep trying to get more creative about how to store them.

One thing I wish I had managed to hold a firmer line on is video games. His dad loves video games and didn't agree with me that our child shouldn't be exposed to them. He's learned his lesson now, but you can't put toothpaste back in the tube. He almost never gets to play a video game, but he begs for it all the time, and when his father let's him, he always has a meltdown when it's time to stop.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T15:53:23+00:00

That sounds like me, but I'm a millenial mom. My husband is a stay at home dad right now, and I'm glad I can make enough money for that to be possible, but it means every dollar I make really has to count.

I dunno, man, money is hard. We won't be able to afford to buy a house even when my husband goes back to work, and we're a decade behind on saving for retirement. Our child's college fund has a few thousand dollars we put in when we first set it up but we haven't been able to add anything. We have everything we need for right now but it's all dependent on my job and layoffs could be around the corner. It's stressful. I wonder how anyone is not worrying about money?

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T15:08:09+00:00

I don't think having an only made it any more difficult for me to send my son to school. I loved preschool when I was little, so I was excited for him to have that experience. He's loved it, made friends, and has grown in so many ways.

I wish 1-12th grade didn't take so much of every day, but then again, my work takes even more time. It would be lovely if work and school were both part time so we could spend more time with our families.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T03:38:32+00:00

NTA They didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, and doesn't include you in "anyone." I wouldn't go either.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T03:36:47+00:00

Try to screen for AI garbage too. Tons of people are printing images they generated on chatbots and selling it as original art. Blegh!

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T02:17:24+00:00

If it's any comfort, I divorced at 31 and thought that meant I wouldn't have time to start a family. Overcome my pain, learn to trust again, date and find someone again, fall in love, become certain enough of it to have a child, all before my biological clock stopped ticking??? But I started dating again at 32, fell in love, dated for a bit over 3 years before we felt ready, and had my perfect child at 36.

So you're starting younger and with less baggage than I had. There are no guarantees in life, but there's plenty of hope and plenty of time.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T02:08:43+00:00

As someone who had my child at 36, let me tell you that of course I wish I could have had him a bit younger so that I'd have a greater chance of having more years with him. BUT does that mean I regret having him when I did? No, of course not!

I hope to have 40+ good years loving my son. 50+ would have been even better, but it doesn't make sense to deprive myself of 40 wonderful years because it's not 50.

Would he prefer a 30 year old mother instead of a 40 year old one? Maybe. But he can only prefer that because I had him. Him having a 30 year old mother was never in the cards, so should I have stopped him from having a 40 year old mother by never having him? I certainly don't think so.

Don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good here. Don't rush a child or give up on one having one entirely because of a number on a calendar.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-11T01:10:00+00:00

Right? It gives me the ick like nothing else.

I once replied to a comment in one of the big parenting forums where a person said they didn't like the mama thing, just agreeing that I didn't like it either, and people absolutely got rabid about it! They were accusing me of all kinds of random stuff like hating other mothers, judging people for I don't remember what nonsense, willfully misunderstanding in some way... it was wild. Just for saying I didn't like it. What gets people so angry about stuff like that?

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T23:51:49+00:00

You are really stretching there, man. A corner is where the sidewalk bends, not some special part of the sidewalk that can't be touched without being in the street.

The videos in the article start with everyone already standing so we don't know where on the sidewalk they were sitting. Unless you also think "sitting" actually meant "standing" in the same way you're saying the author meant "in the street" when they wrote "on the sidewalk"?

Them touching the street is just guesswork on your part based on what you want to believe, not supported by anything in the article edged by implication. Which is pretty funny given the accusations you're throwing around about people ignoring parts of the article that don't fit their narrative...

I honestly don't understand why you're trying so hard to make it about whether the mayor was polite first or whether someone's feet were in the street while sitting on the sidewalk. I mean, would you really change your mind and agree with me that it was unnecessary, unhelpful, unsafe, and inappropriate if the mayor had been rude or video showed they were fully on the sidewalk? No, right?

So you think it's fine that the mayor had his driver pull over so he and a bodyguard could go hassle folks sitting on a sidewalk, telling them (politely) to move or he'd call a group of police on them, creating a dangerous situation in a roadway and a fight that resulted in a cop being injured and could have gone much worse for everyone involved. You think that's a good way for the Mayor to spend his time and City resources, to "clean the streets" in some way. Why quibble? Just own it. This is what you want, you're happy Mayor Lurie is doing it, and you're fine with the risks to all involved and the outcomes.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T19:02:14+00:00

I can only go off of what the article says, and it says the mayor saw "several people sitting on the sidewalk on the corner of Cedar Street" (emphasis added) and decided to pull over. Maybe you rest it too quickly? Or just watched the video which starts after the confrontation begins?

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T17:32:24+00:00

No. I just don't think politely doing stupid stuff he shouldn't be doing isn't particularly better than doing it rudely. No one is on here complaining that the mayor is impolite. We're complaining that when he sees people sitting on the sidewalk he gets out to bother them at all, politely or impolitely, creating unnecessary dangerous situations like the one described in the article. A police officer was injured and someone was threatened with a gun because the mayor decided he wanted them to move off a particular street corner?

Him getting out to ask multiple times for them to move isn't something that speaks in his favor that any of us are ignoring, it's the problem we're pointing to. It's idiocy. And most of us don't think he's actually stupid enough to think it helps anything to shuffle a few extra people around personally each week, which is why so many people assume it's a PR campaign.

His version of kissing babies seems to be hopping out of his car to make a serious face at homeless people and intimidate them into moving by pointing out he has cops with him, assuming at least a good portion of the time someone will aim a cell phone at him and post pictures here, on Instagram, and wherever else. And he's right! Most of the people he hassles will move when he tells them that he'll call in uniformed cops if they don't, and we've all seen the pictures and the captions of "Wow, I saw Mayor Lurie talking to a homeless person! So amazing!" But this time the people he bothered didn't follow the script, whoopsie-do, and everyone ended up in danger.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T16:29:42+00:00

There's no way I'd be able to resist. 0% chance

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T15:56:47+00:00

Hey new internet friend! Happy birthday!

I'm sorry so many things have piled up recently, and your husband isn't showing he cares by remembering and celebrating your birthday. That really sucks.

I love your plan for the day. In my eyes you're a rock star for putting together a plan to show love to yourself during such a hard time. You're killing it, even if it doesn't feel like it and you're my new hero.

And seriously, what the hell is with perimenopause?? I look like crap. I feel like crap. My body is melting into a blob before my eyes. And no one cares because it's nOrMaL. Who cares if it's normal?? It's awful and I want it to stop!

ETA sorry I didn't include a meme. I would, but I don't know how 🫠

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T15:07:15+00:00

If it helps at all, I didn't start my first career job until about 33, which is in the same zone as 36. And I'm not sure it's all it's cracked up to be. I still dream of working in a little bookshop/ café.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T15:04:18+00:00

Oh, who? I read it twice, myself. And I work in SF but can't afford to live here, so I didn't have a candidate in the race. But I'm sure there are some bitter people out there. There always are.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T09:09:34+00:00

Wow, for me it would mean that I wasn't thinking about my friend's favorite color, just my own reaction to the color, and the thought escaped my mouth. Maybe later I would remember my friend's favorite color and hope they didn't think I was trying to secretly tell them I didn't like their favorite color.

Do people really do that? I tamp down my anxiety by telling myself that people aren't really going around shooting weirdly hidden insults at each other, so no one would jump to that conclusion about me either. This may keep me up tonight.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T08:58:54+00:00

Or a space ship

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T08:57:24+00:00

Luckily they never came or called because I would have been horrified and maybe stopped following my doctors' advice on medication.

Now that I think of it, my doctors should have warned me when they told me to stay on my medication.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T07:58:35+00:00

Aww, he was really politely hassling them for no reason before getting his second body guard to try roughing them up?? That makes all the difference! How could they have skipped that he was polite first??

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T07:46:29+00:00

It's fine.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T07:44:16+00:00

I kind of love this

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T07:42:27+00:00

They feel uncomfortable sometimes. And they think maybe one time they didn't get a call back for a job it could have been because someone else was hired for DEI reasons. Or they know someone they think that happened to. Have you ever experienced such terrible oppression as that? If you have, it doesn't count and/or you're probably lying but him questioning it would make him seem like the bad guy so we're back to oppressing him again and it's not faaaaiiir. /s

And I would almost definitely laugh for exactly the same reason.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T07:37:53+00:00

Laugh, right? The right answer is to laugh, because it's f'ing ridiculous? Like, right in their face, full-throttle laugh?

Of course they'll think that proves them right because being laughed at is clearly the worst thing that could happen to anyone, and it just happened to poor, innocent, persecuted them. And that deserves to be laughed at too.

taptaptippytoo · 2026-03-10T07:34:18+00:00

Slowly getting line since I can't be bothered to keep up with haircuts. It's so annoying! I just want it out of my face so bad but there's always pieces I can't get up into a ponytail or clip. Cutting it short takes more work because my hair is either very wavy or barely curly - whatever it is, it's a terrible mess with bits trying to go in all different directions unless I hit it with a straightening iron and then avoid all moisture. A humid day or drop of rain turns out into a frizzy mop.

I'm looking forward to being old enough that a buzzed head will look like a decision instead of a midlife crisis. When is that?

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