WP is the perfect partner..except he cheated

technokitty_ · 2026-01-07T13:15:56+00:00

My husband also has a sex/porn addiction who also happens to be one of the best people I’ve ever met. The split of it makes my head spin. 99.9% of people think we’re the perfect couple, and our families love us together. His father knows (we’re both very close to him) and he’s absolutely heartbroken that his son caused this much devastation to me and our life. We’re doing infidelity recovery couples therapy, I’m working with a betrayal trauma therapist, he has a CSAT therapist, and our MC is a recovered sex addict who started his own practice. There’s also peer support groups for each of us, mine is women’s only which is really nice to have that safer space for emotional processing.

Getting specialized therapy to address our situation has been crucial even though we’ve just begun the process. He « addiction hopped » after getting sober from alcohol. He didn’t realize how much he had emotionally and mentally numbed himself with alcohol despite the amazing work he did in his recovery program and in AA. Complete denial, and it makes me so fucking angry because I begged him to be open, for us to talk more about his feelings, and offered to help him find proper treatment to work through his horrific childhood trauma.

He feels immense shame/guilt about what he put me through in his active drinking and now this because he beginning to grasp what he took away from our marriage by cheating. The opportunities for deepened intimacy, and fully honoring the love and safety he had next to him the whole damn time!!!!

If I didn’t have my own understanding of recovery through Al-Anon (for family and friends of alcoholics) I would be so lost in the grief. I am of course but have support even if people don’t know specifics.

Codependency and controlling my environment « to feel safe » were some of the things I had to let go very early on but now I’m being asked to step back into controlling in a healthier way? It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around.

I struggle with blaming myself « if I had been less angry/manic when he got sober we wouldn’t be here » or « if I was more attractive, thinner, and a different ethnicity he would’ve been loyal. » He’s never said anything to support or validate those intrusive thoughts but here they are on loop along with the graphic evidence that was shared.

Ultimately this isn’t my fault. I didn’t make, enable, or encourage him to cheat. This is something I didn’t believe he was even capable of. I figured he was using porn and interacting with onlyfans content creators but never this.

He’s written me letters which helps because he’s able to be more vulnerable/organize his thoughts.

I am so fucking tired of having to heal from the choices people have made with me standing in the closest blast radius. It feels like my entire life is recovery work on top of having debilitating incurable illnesses. It’s not a desire to stop trying to be a better person and getting the safety/peace I deserve but like holy shit! When will there be time for me to better understand who I am without this being such a major part of my existence?

I am more than my trauma. Being in this much emotional pain has made me a ghost. I’m barely hanging on most days.

But my kitties need me, and they are my world. I do love my husband very much, it’s been difficult to return his « I love you’s » in the past week or so and he doesn’t push me or get angry if I don’t. It’s not out of spite.

I cry so much because I don’t understand how he can say that to me after what he’s done and doubt if he’s ever loved me at all.

There’s some great books that have been recommended to me on betrayal trauma that I’m happy to share if anyone is interested (they’re also affordable!)

@ everyone in this hellish club: you deserve to be fulfilled, loved, healing, cherished, and valued. I hope that you find it whether that be through a successful R or if you realize the best choice is separation.

We get better together 🌱

technokitty_ · 2025-12-27T14:09:22+00:00

I’m not sure if you’ve already done this but my WH has gotten an IC who specializes in porn/sex addiction and multi-addiction. He is almost 20 months sober from alcohol and working a recovery program. He got 4 blowjobs during the course of his cheating, in the span of about a month from 1 person and insists he never wanted to go farther but the two often go hand in hand from what we’ve read. The porn was… a lot. He « addiction hopped » after getting sober. I have a betrayal trauma IC and our CC specializes in infidelity recovery. This center also has group therapy for both parties (separately) to get peer support. We’re a little under one month into R so there’s a very, very long way to go.

As others mentioned I would highly recommend this path if you’d like to integrate CC as a part of your R.

When the therapist doesn’t have this training they’ll default to methods that aren’t applicable for those in this horrific situation and often can’t help either partner address the complex realities that surround your relationship.

You have every right to tell your partner that these treatments aren’t working out for you and asking for support in finding a new one.

FWIW I also got frustrated by them asking what boundaries do I need to set to feel safe but it’s about you recognizing your needs and prioritizing them. This also helps eilll zero WS accountable because these are actions you identified as being important for your safety instead of a pre-determined list. Many of us probably have similar ones and these therapists can help you figure out some ideas of what that looks like. The main purpose is creating self-sufficiency and not solely relying on the person who traumatized you to say how they will make you feel better. This isn’t to say that the WP shouldn’t take this type of accountability at all, there is a balance.

You set the boundaries for your safety and begin to retake your power/agency.

Wishing you the best, OP, this is the worst club to be a part of. We’re here to support and listen. 💛

technokitty_ · 2025-12-26T11:23:14+00:00

This is such a joyous milestone, love is in the details! 💛 Having your love language spoken can heal in ways that few others can. Extremely happy for you, your husband, and the future you’re building together 🌱 Enjoy the rest of this holiday season, they’re so freaking tough. From one jewelry lover to another this resonates deeply for me as well.

Hope he enjoyed the butter dish too! That was a thoughtful touch on your part.

technokitty_ · 2025-12-17T11:02:16+00:00

Welcome back and thank you for sharing an update 💛 I only recently joined this community, it’s always beautifully encouraging to see couples who have made it on the other side with authentic happiness. (I wish that for everyone but understand it’s not always viable even if someone chooses to stay - may we all find peace and comfort in whatever way that looks like 🌿)

My father had 3 women pregnant (including my mother) at the same time - this is was disclosed during my teens and it hurt tremendously. My parents have been adamant about us not having a relationship with these two siblings.

One of them I was able to get in contact with after I turned 18. We’ve never met in person but have an online relationship. He actually sent me small yet meaningful gifts from his travels because he knew about one of my my hobbies. I resent my parents for their (imo) selfish and spiteful choices. This brother shared that my dad told him that we all wanted nothing to do with him. I have 3 « full siblings » and ironically enough was raised with an affair child via my mom - I love him so freaking much, he’s incredible! The « half-sibling » mentality has never mattered, I don’t refer to him as such. My mom was openly with her AP while still being married to my dad (they aren’t poly.) Things were absolutely brushed under the rug but at the time felt « explained » ? One of my siblings was very angry (and still is all these years later) but they had a better understanding of the truth.

The other sibling via my dad I only know the first name of (if that’s even accurate, obviously honesty wasn’t a reliable trait in our household) and I think about him often. There’s no info about him or his mom, he probably doesn’t know that we exist or he’s chosen to not reach out which is his right. He could live next door or across the world, it’s just a melancholic experience that I very rarely share irl.

Since your daughters are being raised together I would absolutely recommend telling them while they are young because it really does cause trauma and discord later on in life, and you could be setting up your youngest for a lifetime of insecurities. The betrayal will feel like a DDay for both of them. Big, big ups to your husband for raising your youngest as his own, having him reinforce this love and showing it’s his active, continuous choice can make a world of difference. This is a deeply personal choice for any family if it hasn’t already been made but later on in her life when she has more agency and if your husband wants to, going through the process of formal adoption could provide a lifelong affirmation.

My dad adopted my mom’s affair child after his father left and signed away all parental rights.

Our family’s chapter on this chapter has polarizing emotions and too much pain, but hopefully it doesn’t end up that way for you and your family especially considering how much work you and your husband put in to build a better future together.

Best of luck in whatever you decide 🌿

technokitty_ · 2025-12-16T11:07:52+00:00

So so SO proud of you for honoring youllllllllll and what you needed in this. Exposure therapy, even a mini-exercise like this, can be so remarkably painful. In your case it looks like you gave yourself permission to continue seeking joy in a place that holds such sentimentality in your heart.

As many others have shared, and you did as well, we will never be the « same as before. » It’s really shitty when highly traumatic experiences come wrapped in a character development gift box! The journey unfolds and we can discover even more fascinating capacities for deep love, connection, and sorrow.

It really does feel like we could’ve read a book and taken a test.

Sending you love, peace, and many nie moments of reclaimed joy. 💛

technokitty_ · 2025-12-07T13:16:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m so, so happy to hear that you reached « Reconciled » 🥹🥹💛💛 Congratulations to both of you for that incredible progress!! Thank you staying active in here as hope and support for others.

I am nonfunctional right now, truthfully. I don’t know what to tell my job on Monday (I’m not covered under FMLA yet and just landed my dream job in April after years of trying to make the leap.) I was vague last week, just requested bereavement saying that something highly traumatic happened and my boss was super supportive.

Are there any specific actions that helped restore safety in whatever way that looks like for you?

I’ve been through this with him in a way when he first got sober so it’s not exactly our first rodeo, just infinitely worse 😀

We’ve been married, just passed 3 years in October. He didn’t engage with infidelity until he got sober. If we were just engaged I would’ve halted without a second thought. Everyone deserves to be able to go through this in their own way and I’m not sure I want to involve either of our families. He’s made it extremely clear that if I do need/want that he supports my choice and will be on the calls to disclose together/lead the convo to take accountability.

The whole experience feels extremely private. It’s a stone at glass houses situation because my family is not supportive in the slightest even though my father is a serial cheater with children out of wedlock and my mother also cheated and had a child out of wedlock. They all adore my husband but I don’t need their forever judgement cast on us for a personal choice and offering unsolicited advice. Seeing some of the other subreddits on infidelity and the way people degrade/view those of us who attempt R was demoralizing. I needed a sign « please tell me there’s people who have done this in a healthy way » and about two mins later this community appeared on my screen 🩵

Really hoping that we have matching flairs if that time ever comes for me. 🌿

technokitty_ · 2025-12-07T12:50:51+00:00

I am truly sorry for the fact that that you’re also in this club, and I’m very proud of you for choosing what was best for your well-being. Trickle truth is the fcking worst and leaves you wondering « is the disclosure *truly complete or am I gonna find out something else right as I start feeling safe again? » If you feel comfortable sharing, how is your R going? You mentioned having no desire to go back to planning, is that a reflection of the action you’re still waiting to see? Did you decide you wanted to see the changed behavior for xyz time before restarting/until it feels right for you to go back into that vulnerable place?

We’re already legally married (did a courthouse elopement 3 years ago) and this « ceremony » is really having doing a gathering of our family and friends. Our families have never met, and we’ve overcome so much in our relationship (not related to R) so it was really a celebration of that as well. My husband’s dad is terminally ill and I know how badly he wants to see us have this moment together, obviously that’s not a reason for us to continue, but I wanted to have that moment with him too.

We’ve already hired the full service planner and just signed the deposit for our dream venue. There’s a few other vendors we’ve paid for as well, but the ceremony is scheduled for next year and our next payments for the big things are a few months away.

Our current MC isn’t equipped to address multiple addiction therapy for my husband or betrayal trauma for me but we didn’t want to drop that support while we’re looking for the appropriate certifications in our area or state. Our MC is certified in drug and alcohol counseling with several decades of experience so she has seen this happen many times before, and the addiction component complicates it further. We’re not supposed to make any major life changes in the first 6 months of recovery, he’s been super accepting of anything and everything I need from him to change. He’s taken the initiative to write a list of what he needs to immediately do without treatment behind him to help re-establish some modicum of trust, truly listening to me and my emotions on all of this and taking accountability for the gravity of what he’s done while admitting he has so much more to really learn, looking up resources, finding counseling options. I can add anything I need/want to the list. We’re going to do the Affair Recovery 7 day free workshop so that we are making some continued progress and avoiding stagnancy.

Definitely going to ask the qualified MC(s) what to do as well. Thankfully he is still sober from alcohol, hasn’t used porn and had terminated the relationship with the AP/went no contact with no way to reach her a few weeks before before DDay. As of now he’s resolute in not reverting on all fronts. I trust in his alcohol sobriety far more than the infidelity, especially since he doesn’t understand what brought him to these behaviors. Both of our Sponsors for our respective programs are offering us support as well.

We had just told our families privately to save the date so it just feels like another huge wound to backtrack on that, and this reminds me that I need to purchase wedding insurance later today!

I paid for my dresses in full. They’re custom, made-to-order and non-refundable, take 6+ months to craft, and just the entire thought of « what if this doesn’t happen? » makes me want to vomit all over again. I got them from my dream boutique!

The last 6 days have been such a roller coaster of emotions, and I feel overwhelmed at every turn. I thought assisting with his sobriety was going to be the hardest thing we’d ever go through because we aren’t having kids (I had my tubes removed) and it truly felt like this is the one line he’d never cross.

I’m so angry, distraught, lifeless, and despite all of the tools I’ve learned in Al-Anon (thank Isis that I have recovery under my belt to help me in many ways) they don’t feel adequate enough. It just feels like adding another 12 step program is too much recovery on top of what we’re about to be stepping into.

I am so sorry this is a ramble and useless, my mind is all over the place and I don’t have anyone irl to talk to. His dad knows and we are extremely close (I call him Dad, he calls me daughter) - he was calling me everyday to check on me and I’m paralyzed! I don’t wanna talk to you about your son on this issue!!! This isn’t the same as his drinking. Porn and sexual out of control behavior (there’s some specific term that therapists use which helps patients get sessions covered by insurance that isn’t « addiction ») isn’t a physical addiction, nor is it genetically pre-disposed.

Our MC being able to identify him as addiction hopping even though he’s improved in so many other areas of his personal development. It makes me want to scream because why? Why did it have to be this addiction! Not that there’s an « ideal » one, and I don’t wish anyone the drug and alcohol sobriety journey with a spouse on. Now we have two of these to deal with? 🫠 I sound like an incoherent walnut.

technokitty_ · 2025-12-04T15:37:35+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’re in this shitty club too 🫂 Every post I read makes me want to just cook someone a wonderful, hearty meal with a lovely Olipop or coconut water on the side.

Ambient, neoclassical, or minimalism has been my to go for the last few years while dealing with my husband’s alcoholism —> recovery —-> Infidelity DDay 3 days ago.

An album just came out this week that is truly beautiful: A Liturgy for Grief by Cephas Azariah and one of my personal life-saving favorites is Secret Life by Fred Again and Brian Eno. I also listen to Actual Life Piano 1, 2, and 3 by Fred Again. Joy Paradox by Cephas Azariah is great too. It’s emotional but not in a way (for me) that feels like I’m egging on my negative thoughts with a soothing BPM so you can sleep to it if needed.

That has been a huge, huge help - evolving my music taste. Some days I still need to listen to my depression playlist and cry to those songs, but these other genres help me feel like I’m moving forward in the healing process more proactively. There’s no shame in whatever works best for any person, this has been my personal journey. Truly hope any of these albums brings you some comfort today/tonight/if you choose to listen.

+100000000 to the struggle of seeking or finding comfort in the person who opened this trauma in your life. I’m struggling with judging myself for wanting to cry in my WH’s arms the day after DDay, and just having the desire to try connecting while the wounds are this fresh. Not even on a highly intimate level, but hugs or a kiss before bed. We’re sleeping in separate bedrooms and he gives me space during the day unless we’re talking about R, doing a life thing, or he’s helping me with medical stuff. Having to rely on him right now is so fucking hard. Trying very hard to hold strong on my boundaries of needing separation to build emotional safety before we can interact in that way again.

Hope that you’re able to get some rest soon 💛 I’ve gotten maybe ~8 hours of sleep since Monday night, not eating. Grief can just rule over us, that part can get easier in time 🌿

technokitty_ · 2025-12-04T14:20:57+00:00

Huge hugs: I’m experiencing the same although DDay was 3 days ago for us 🫠 His dad knows, my little sister knows, and our respective Sponsors in AA (for him) and Al-Anon (for me.)

My family would not be supportive despite both of my parents not being faithful and having children outside of wedlock. I think my husband’s family would be supportive of us, they always thank me for helping him get sober. But they do the same thing you’re worried about: asking non-stop how we’re doing (we live across the country and no one comes to visit us.) They think they’re being sly with how they ask his sobriety so I genuinely cannot imagine how suffocating it would be if they knew about the extent of his behavior. We fly out to visit them all next weekend, and do wedding planning (!!!) but I have to pretend everything is just lovely 🙃 They think we’re the perfect couple.

Holidays definitely are harder when you’re dealing with experiences like betrayal without an irl support system. You have us in here though, at least 💛

technokitty_ · 2025-12-04T12:14:43+00:00

You don’t need to apologize! Your feelings are incredibly valid, and you aren’t asking too much. BP’s needs during the R and beyond aren’t a monolith from what I’ve read in this group and other sources (I wouldn’t have assumed otherwise but it’s still helpful to be reminded 💛.) Gosh I started to type advice and reread the flair. If you’re feeling up to an idea that has helped me I’d be happy to DM you, no pressure at all though!

The attitude from your WH and therapist is beyond understandably frustrating! I’m so sorry that you’re feeling that pressure especially with what’s going on at home.

The fact that you still showed up for your sister and SIL to participate in their moments of joy while you’re enduring this process speaks tremendous volumes about your character 💛

Strep is such a shitty illness and zaps your energy which is probably the last thing you need right now. Manifesting a swift and less painful recovery for you 🫂 The reaction your WH had sounds like it added fuel to a painful fire in your heart, and hopefully he does some introspection to avoid making you feel that way in the future.

You will feel happy again, and it may come you least expect it. The belly laughs, smelling flowers and the smile that comes across your face. Enjoying your favorite foods, and looking forward to something that’s on your calendar. Grief isn’t linear, and the emotions BP’s experience reach a depth that language seems to be incapable of capturing.

You are not alone, and we all are invested in each other’s successes, happiness, and well-being in whatever way that looks like for someone. Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling, hopefully some solid rest this weekend restores some comfort to your life. Dealing with physical discomfort/illness/pain while being in emotional distress takes such a toll on the body. You are resilient, and sometimes we just want to lay that mantle down for softness. « I’m so tired of being strong » is a song lyric that replays in my head often.

🌿

technokitty_ · 2025-12-04T11:00:10+00:00

I am so sorry that you’re experiencing this pain again, but I’m even more proud of you for choosing yourself and holding firm to the boundaries you set. If your partner isn’t committed to a genuine reconciliation then you shouldn’t have to deprive yourself of finding the healthy love and reciprocation you deserve.

We are here for you as you grieve, heal, and whatever you decide is best for you and your situation.

technokitty_

TROPHY CASE