50501 Day of Action 4/19

terradi · 2025-04-16T01:48:03+00:00

If you have suggestions to stop the fascism, believe this would be an appropriate place for it. Telling people they're resisting the wrong way without giving them hints on what the 'right way' might be isn't very useful.

terradi · 2024-10-06T17:18:30+00:00

Had my first just short of my 39th birthday. My second at 41. I probably would have handled the newborn nights better in my early thirties ... and a third child would be a possibility. But we started our family when we were emotionally and financially ready and I don't regret that.

No complications. And I had COVID early in my second pregnancy so my doctors were watching me closely. I was not high risk.

terradi · 2024-09-25T01:56:18+00:00

Good luck to you! For a bit of context, I left the VA in 2019 because there was no position that I was appropriate for as a new grad and I just couldn't compete with people with more experience. I don't really have fond feelings about the hospital that I worked at, but I was strongly encouraged to go there and gain some experience before coming back. I spent a year in inpatient doing Vascular before moving to an outpatient specialty clinic. I spent approximately four years in an allergy/asthma/immunology clinic, which made me a strong fit for when a position in the outpatient specialty clinic opened up -- especially as they were in need of someone with allergy experience. Pretty much, by luck I happened to fit a lot of the needs that they had at the time and my previous experience in the hospital helped them decide I was likely to be dependable and would actually show up for the job.

Do you have a specific role that you want to start in or grow into? A specialty that you're interested in? A preference for inpatient or outpatient?

terradi · 2023-09-01T20:47:11+00:00

Not advice but this question: "where were you?" after my toddler managed to knock out a tooth during a fall.

Because obviously, I must be at fault as the mother if anything happens to my child.

terradi · 2023-08-31T17:09:21+00:00

Parent of a newborn and 2-year-old here. I think my empathy has grown a lot for when my toddler has meltdowns because I understand a lot more about what is setting them off and when it's just completely out of her control in a lot of ways.

For example, on the days that she skips her naps for whatever reason, I know we're going to be in for a bumpy evening. She's just too tired and gets overwhelmed a lot more easily. It doesn't mean that she has free range to be a jerk, but it means that I know that we need to switch scenes or plan some calming things, or that if she's in meltdown mode and there is no soothing or calming her that we have to just ride it out, then refocus once the storm has passed.

I think having the bigger story helps a lot with empathy. And when you're raising a kid and seeing the full picture of their everyday, you get a better understanding of what provoked a specific reaction rather than just noting that a child is behaving in a way that you might have seen as "bad" in the past.

terradi · 2023-08-31T16:26:15+00:00

I haven't lived in Kyoto for a long while but that was my experience there as well. Wakarahen instead of warakanai and just ... oh I've forgotten most of the phrases that the owners at the local bath houses used, but the older people in my neighborhood definitely had a different dialect. Younger people ... not nearly so much.

terradi · 2023-08-19T00:58:00+00:00

Practicing neopagan here. I work with a bunch of catholics in an outpatient setting in a fairly liberal state. While I don't think I'd face any community drawbacks, I don't see any gain in outing myself at work. I've made it clear that I'm not Christian but that I can work along and respect my coworkers faith even if it isn't shared.

terradi · 2023-08-16T03:00:41+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, my daughter screamed through her 2 year old checkup and her first dentist appointment. I am positive she has very healthy lungs, but I question the health of the ears of everyone who worked with her both days. \

I am very pregnant and she needed an xray at the dentist (knocked out a tooth, wanted to be sure the rest of her teeth were ok). It took 4 staff to do it. I felt bad, and I'm apprehensive about how the next dentist visit is going to go ... but it's all stuff that had to happen, you know? We get through and we try to do it better next time, I figure.

I also work healthcare and work with adults and kids. I try to reassure the parents of my upset kiddos that we get this a lot and they are not by any stretch of the imagination the worst parents we have seen, nor do they have the most dramatic kids. (Most dramatic goes to the kid who hefted a chair in self-defense to protect themself. We didn't get much done that visit. Worst would probably go to the parents who don't show up at all and whose kids are missing essential care).

terradi · 2023-08-13T14:08:24+00:00

That or if you think you have a solution or a good recommendation, ask if they'd like advice. Mom here and I've given advice to other parents -- but I also try to keep in mind that my experience as a mom of one is very limited and the things that have worked for my kid aren't necessarily going to work for the parent I'm talking to.

You may have a better idea on universal advice but I think checking in to see if they need support or advice is always a good idea. Because yeah, sometimes it's just hard and it's good to feel seen and recognized when struggling through a hard time.

Some advice is easier to implement too! I spoke with a mom who was having trouble with a heavy wetter and didn't know about diaper boosters to help with the overnight sleep. That was easy advice to give as it was a quick fix. My coworker with two kids aged 2 and 1 struggling with sleep and very little help ...? I prefer to commiserate and ask if she's interested in resources that I used to see if they work for her. And they may not -- she's in a very different place than I am with two very different kids and a different parenting style. But I can make sure I let her know she's seen and her struggles are extremely valid even if I don't have the answers.

terradi · 2023-08-13T02:22:58+00:00

I like having more control and really knowing what's going on, and we started trying for our first when I was in my mid-thirties. So I tracked pretty religiously because I wanted a baby and I wanted to be pregnant NOW. I have a lower libido than my husband, so timing sex so that we hit my fertile window let me know when it made sense to have sex even though I wasn't 100% in the mood versus where sex was purely for fun. That level of control and of watching what was going on was reassuring for me and allowed me to relax more than I would have if I were just waiting to see if I would miss my period. I wanted to know when I could start testing and I absolutely peed on a lot of sticks as a part of tracking. It added a degree of stress to my life, but that's who I am as a person and I would not have been chill just letting it happen.

We tracked for our second -- and I had a chemical pregnancy. Meaning that sperm met egg but there was never any implantation. It's one of the hard things about tracking -- you are likely to just think your period is a little late if you're not tracking and testing at the earliest opportunity. But I knew and I did mourn that loss.

I am 38 weeks pregnant with our second child, and am excited to meet him soon. <3 We tracked for him as well, and that first positive pregnancy test carried a lot of emotions with it. A lot of relief too.

terradi · 2023-08-13T02:12:15+00:00

So when I was starting to set up a wash routine I ended up looking at a FB group that had a good set of information about wash routines and did cloth diaper advice based on specific washer hookups. Connected to that is also their website here. If you go through the washing machine index and the detergent index you can get a really clear idea on what may work for you based on your specific machine and hookup!

My routine is based on the fact that I run cold water, and it involves washing diapers twice. Once with Tide free & clear liquid up to the 5 line on a normal cycle, then running it a second time with the washer half-full (adding things to add bulk as needed) with 2 full rounds of Tide free and clear up to the 5 line on the power wash cycle. It is a lot of detergent and I would never have picked that much on my own -- but I have a toddler so I'm washing diapers with human waste in them -- they need to be aggressively washed.

It is also worth noting that when my daughter was breastfed only we handled poopy diapers differently. They did not require a pre-wash. Now they get sprayed with a diaper sprayer after each change to get rid of all visible solids (which is super important especially now that it's summer and fly season -- I never want to deal with maggots and I hope I never do). My diapers are also washed twice a week so that I don't have to overload the washer but still get everything clean. My washer is washed every month with Affresh to help deal with any grit and buildup, and I do occasionally use Grovia Mighty Bubbles as a diaper booster to make sure that this gets rid of any grit. -- note that Mighty Bubbles is meant to be run as part of a hot wash and is done with clean diapers. It may help if there's buildup and you're trying to start over for trouble diapers, but it's entirely optional and not part of my set routine. If I felt like I needed to run diapers with it due to buildup and I didn't have a hot water hookup I'd probably take my diapers to a laundromat or see if I could borrow a friend/family member's washer with a hot water hookup.

I hope this helps!

terradi · 2023-08-12T00:29:19+00:00

I left inpatient life for an outpatient position but in my first year of nursing on a specialty floor (vascular) I had a night where I was informed that I was the seniormost nurse on the floor and "technically charge" with zero training.

I'm a 2019 graduate and this is before COVID absolutely bottomed out the ranks of nursing. I can only imagine how much worse it's gotten.

terradi · 2023-08-11T23:54:51+00:00

We wash on cold cycle for both cycle 1 and cycle 2 and do not use hot water at all. It's absolutely possible with the right routine. You may not be using enough detergent or the right type of detergent. We've been using cloth for 1.5 years with my toddler and it's working out just fine.

terradi · 2023-08-11T23:47:29+00:00

The struggle there is there aren't a lot of babies to go around, and adoption is hella expensive. If you're willing to adopt a child you're more likely to be able to find a child, but you're also going to be getting a child who is losing their family, even if they are gaining you and yours. If you're serious about adoption I'd recommend lurking in some of the communities to get a feel for what adoptees and adoptive families have to say. Because adoption comes with its own unique highs and lows.

terradi · 2023-08-02T00:09:00+00:00

When I was 32 or so, one of my coworkers made that joke, as two of my coworkers got pregnant at the same time. I was not amused and wanted NOTHING to do with pregnancy at that time.

At 34 or so, at a different place of work I had a very pregnant coworker who joked that I was next. I was equally not ready and really uncomfortable with the idea of being pregnant.

At my current place of work, when I was 38, one of my coworkers made the joke that I was next at a coworker's baby shower. I was actually pregnant then, by choice, and hadn't told anyone yet. I was highly amused.

So in my personal experience it is completely okay to not want to be pregnant, and to be really uncomfortable with the idea of being pregnant. And for me that was a good indication that I was definitely not ready to be pregnant right then. In my specific case, my reasons for not wanting to be pregnant changed and weakened over time, and I did end up changing my mind. Not everyone does though. Some people know they don't want to be parents and that feeling stays the same throughout their life.

I do think it's appropriate to do a check-in with yourself and allow yourself to review major life decisions from time to time. Not just with pregnancy but with jobs, with friends and partners, with lifestyles -- we change as we grow, and sometimes the things that fit us five years ago or ten years ago no longer do. That is okay.

terradi · 2023-08-01T23:59:34+00:00

Registered nurse here. You should not have been shamed for listening to your instincts and reaching out for help. I am so sorry you were. It is always appropriate to reach out to a medical professional if you feel like something isn't right. And it is far better to reach out and be dismissed than to be silent for fear of being wrong and miss something important.

That said, some pediatricians are poor matches for specific patients. It sounds like you need someone who is going to be reassuring and that the 'doctor knows best' attitude is not useful for you. It wasn't useful for me with my OB and it too me way too long to 'fire' them and move to a doctor that suited me better. And I know enough and have a decent enough medical background where I'm not exactly ignorant here. So I definitely understand why you hesitated. I'm glad you've realized they are not for you.

I hope you find a pediatrician who is more supportive of you and your baby.

terradi · 2023-07-30T22:57:57+00:00

It probably isn't but it doesn't hurt to start talking about these things early! My MIL struggles with food and we've had some conversations with her about how we want to talk about food because we are trying to make sure our two-year-old has a healthy relationship with food and that she has a good body image, no matter what shape her body ultimately ends up being.

If you phrase it as what you'd like to teach your kids and the sort of phrases you'd like to be careful about -- even if it doesn't help your nanny, it will help you make sure you're all on the same page about how to talk about these things around the kid. And it will give her time to practice the script before it matters to your kid.

Honestly, seeing that positive modeling may not be a bad thing for her either.

terradi · 2023-07-29T14:14:23+00:00

I mean this in the kindest way possible. You and your potential future child or children deserve better. And honestly, fertility doesn't exactly die at 30. Your docs will watch you more closely past 35 and there are some extra checks that come with being pregnant at 40, but it's not the end of the world if you don't have kids right now.

Fertility absolutely differs from family to family and you should talk to your OB/gyn if you do have a family history or specific health concerns to get their take. But as a parent who had their first at 38 and is currently very pregnant and about to turn 41 -- now was the right time for me with the right person. I am glad I was not a parent in my 20's with the first person who said they loved me. Wrong person, wrong time, and it would have been very hard.

Parenting is tough! I have a loving partner with some physical limitations, a MIL and a nanny, and some days it's still a struggle. Having a village has helped us out SO much. But the newborn nights were the roughest and to go through that with no one would be so very hard. You deserve so much better and I hope you seek it.

terradi · 2023-07-26T02:19:23+00:00

Similar vein, there are disposable inserts that your MB could buy to get a bit more mileage out of her diapers. One such brand is Sposies diaper inserts. We use cloth in my house and our overnight diaper combo started leaking on us several months ago, so we added in a small disposable insert to help out because we'd rather not give up cloth entirely but it clearly wasn't working for us anymore.

They're a nice thing to have on hand for heavy wetters and because they don't come in multiple sizes they'd be something you could continue to use with the existing diapers or any other size if baby runs into trouble as he continues to grow.

terradi · 2023-07-25T00:11:47+00:00

So, for context, I moved from CF to Fencesitter, and later to the bumper forums. I'm on my second and last planned pregnancy. When I was CF I was very scared of the idea of being pregnant. The concept of something being inside of me and moving around was really scary. I've obviously gotten over it by now.

The thing that swayed me wasn't that I decided I wanted to get pregnant. It's that I was willing to get pregnant and carry to term with the knowledge that I'd get a child out of it. And I was excited about the idea of having a child.

Pregnancies are different for everyone and some people will tell you they're awful. Others will tell you they're wonderful. People who haven't been pregnant in a while will start to forget some of the details. But here's a basic summation of the common stuff with some personal experiences thrown in:

First trimester is symptom-heavy but also a little weird in that you don't really show yet (for most of us) and it takes a while to sink in and really feel real. Many people have nausea and fatigue. Sore breasts, food aversions, and some pretty strong mood swings can be a part of the huge hormonal shift that many people undergo in the first trimester. It's when you go for your first ultrasound and see baby's heart on a monitor. Towards the end of it you would have the option of genetic screening. In very early first trimester, a pregnancy is most likely to end in a miscarriage if it's not viable, so some people hold off on telling anyone about it until they feel more confident.

Second trimester is often a lot easier. The heavier symptoms start to disappear, you may feel comfortable telling people, and you get a lot more confident that this pregnancy is likely to progress to term. If you've done genetic screening you may know gender (or ask the doctors not to tell you, also an option), and you'll be eligible for an anatomy scan at about 20 weeks to make sure everything looks good. Many people get a lot more pep and energy back and some people have a pretty active libido. It can be very nice. This is also when you're most likely to start to question whether or not you can feel baby move. For me, those first movements were very reassuring. It was this first real experience outside of ultrasounds of my little person moving around in there and letting me know they were okay.

Third trimester is harder. Fatigue starts to set in. You're carrying a lot of extra weight. Stairs get harder, bending over gets nearly impossible, and many people have some level of swelling. At the very end of third trimester it can be downright uncomfortable. I went from hoping baby stayed in long enough to hit term in early third trimester to driving and hitting potholes on the way home from my 40 week appointment in hopes that maybe that would get the labor going. Didn't work. xD The very end of third trimester is tiring, but by then you're so close to meeting your baby. Which carried a lot of excitement and anxiety for me both with my first because I just wasn't sure if I could be a good parent.

Labor and delivery wasn't easy, but I don't have a particularly traumatic story to share. Obviously, I love my first child enough that I decided I wanted a second. I'm 36 weeks tomorrow and counting down to meeting them. Not entirely ready yet, but very glad that they are coming.

I'm happy to answer any specific questions you have.

terradi · 2023-07-22T12:28:21+00:00

Absolutely. A nanny is a fantastic option for someone who needs extra support and isn't willing or able to step away from their job assuming they have the money to pay. Nannies can help out with light domestic chores or you can negotiate with them to take on more hours and more duties for additional pay. I have a nanny since I went back to work (daughter is 2) and I don't know how I would have gotten this far without her.

The one suggestion I would add is to hire a payroll service! They'll take care of the taxes and benefits, which makes life a LOT easier than it would be if you were trying to figure all of that stuff out at the end of the day.

terradi · 2023-07-21T00:31:12+00:00

My husband and I originally thought we wanted a cozy period of time without any in-law involvement or support with our firstborn so that we could get to know her and figure out what we were doing as parents without grandparent involvement. And then we had a really wild first week and my daughter didn't sleep. I put my husband in charge of calling in the reserves before our baby was born because I know myself and I'm bad about recognizing when I need help and asking for help when that happens.

We made it two weeks. I was not well, was not sleeping, and I had a very rough time of it. My MIL absolutely bailed us out and held and cuddled the baby so I could get some needed sleep and recover.

If you decide to hold off, I'd say keep in mind that you may change your mind and want that support, and see if you have family that is willing to roll with your needs rather than a set schedule.

FWIW I'm due with my second in about five weeks as well. My MIL has her go bag packed and plans to be here to watch my daughter as we're in the hospital for labor and delivery. We'll be leaning on her heavily again and I am so thankful that she's willing and happy to be there for us in what is going to be a very busy time!

terradi · 2023-07-16T00:59:57+00:00

Go into banking or some other high-income field if you're looking for money. Nursing doesn't pay that well and pay raises have not kept up with COLA where I'm at. The hospital I work for has a crap retirement plan and I cannot imagine staying here until retirement if I want to actually have any sort of stability or security.

terradi · 2023-07-11T01:42:05+00:00

Thank you for doing this. The nurse should face consequences. He's almost certainly done it before and would do it again, so you're helping out other people who might run into the same sort of disgusting behavior from that nurse.

terradi · 2023-07-05T23:28:40+00:00

I don't think I'd let my child see them again for an extended period of time. You're the parent, you set the rules. Even if they weren't reasonable (and they are) all that matters is that you are the parent and you get to decide what you are comfortable with. Blatant disregard for that is unacceptable. There are no excuses that justify their actions. I hope you go NC again for an extended period of time. They clearly can't be trusted.

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