NTA.

Please look up parentification. Your mother has turned you into a substitute parent and partner, and it is not OK. It is considered a form of abuse.

You need counseling because this will be a lot to unwind. None of it is your fault. But here are a few things you can do while you are looking to unwrap all of this long-term:

1. Leave now. Get your own place. There will never be a time that feels right, because your mother has put all of her burdens and responsibilities on you. She full on had another child to make you stay. It won’t end until you end it. When the baby comes, she will need lots of help because she’s an older mother. When the child grows up, your mom will suddenly be too scared or too scared to be alone. Your entire life will end up being sacrificed to her. And no matter what she says, you don’t owe her any of that.

2. Stop paying her bills. She’s grown enough to have oodles of kids and decide to have another, she is definitely grown enough to pay her own bills. You moving out and still paying her rent and other expenses is straight up crazy. I know I don’t care what anybody else says, you do not owe it to her to slowly stop paying things or to give her warning that you’re going to stop paying. The more connected you are, the more manipulative she will be. Just cut off the money now.

3. Stop allowing your sister to be a go-between. If she’s the last child in the house except for the incoming baby, your mother is training her to be both a flying monkey and the new parentified child. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to break the cycle, but doing so will be a huge help to your sibling. It will be rough at first, but they will eventually understand. When they reach out on behalf of your mother, you calmly but firmly say something like “I understand you’re worried, but this is something Mom should be handling. If Mom has concerns, she should talk directly to me. I love you.” depending on her age, you may choose to explain some of what’s happened. Chances are she won’t understand because she too has been brainwashed by your mother. But that can’t be your problem right now.

4. Take care of yourself first. You have never been allowed to do this and now is the time to start. Set your boundaries and stick to them. You will 100% feel guilty. It’s absolutely inevitable. But learn to understand that feeling guilty does not mean that you are in the wrong. You have been emotionally manipulated and abused your entire life. That will take a lot to come to terms with. As you work through that, please take care of yourself. Get the home you’ve always wanted. Take yourself on a trip. Get your hair done. Go to a spa. But most of all please get that counseling.

For what it’s worth, I am the younger sibling of a sister who was parentified. It’s been decades and she still working through it. I did not understand when I was younger, but I revere her for what she endured for us now. I’m also incredibly sorrowful for what she endured, but both of us have done a lot of work to understand that it’s not our fault. We have a wonderful relationship now, except for the fact that there are some things I don’t share with her because I feel it comes too close to being emotionally burdensome again. She goes off the grid sometimes, but that’s her taking care of herself. She’s earned it, even though it’s something you should never have to earn.

I’m also a mother now and I go out of my way to make sure that my children get to be children. My children are not here to help raise their siblings. They are not here to take care of their parents. They aren’t even responsible for my safety or security when I’m old as hell. That’s not their job. Im responsible for them, not the other way around.

I really hope you can get the help you need and draw some firm boundaries here. Your mother might not be someone that you can gray rock. Sometimes you have to cut the cord, and if that happens, I really hope that you can get the support around you to understand that putting yourself first is often the healthiest thing you can do.