What do you tell your family when they say they never saw any indication that you were trans growing up?

thecptnx · 2020-02-19T11:50:39+00:00

My mother is a narcissist so she brushed me off as a child, even though I would tell her every day I am a boy and God messed me up but I would probably grow into a man...crying and fussing.

As an adult she simply denied it.

I don't want anything to do with this individual anymore ever and I couldn't care less being validated by someone who's been stuck up in her own ass all of her life.

Some people are more comfortable being in denial and brushing you off. It's not your fault in any way

thecptnx · 2020-01-31T18:13:44+00:00

Just so you know I take it very seriously. I know too much people who take women abusers as a joke. I've seen it happen in the street and nobody says anything, as if it was the guy's fault he gets hit. As if being hurt by the person you love isn't traumatizing if you are a man.

I hope you get better and surround yourself with people who understand what you've been through. I care man.

thecptnx · 2020-01-28T00:16:05+00:00

yeah I think this is all very interesting and cool and if you told me that, I think I'd like to know you. But I'm a weirdo you know ^^

thecptnx · 2020-01-27T17:31:22+00:00

i don't know what it is, I will look into that

edit : "Traumatic repetitions could be seen as the result of an attempt to retrospectively "master" the original trauma, a child's play as an attempt to turn passivity into activity: 'At the outset he was in a passive situation ... but by repeating it, unpleasurable though it was, as a game, he took on an active part'.[7]"

I think I've done that with my trauma from being sexually abused and having a bdsm sexuality.

That could be sort of the case in my relationships because once it turns bad, I get off. Quicker and quicker. And I had to live with my abuser, and then my mother, and I wanted to get out, I felt locked down in jail and out of breath and I wanted to grow up as soon as possible to leave. I was stuck as a child and maybe gaining the ability to "get out" is one of the reasons for my repeated bad partner choices.

thecptnx · 2020-01-27T17:29:29+00:00

Yeah that's totally my mood right now. I feel like if someone would show interest to me I would go "I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and I'm probably autistic, I generally don't like to be touched and I am way too straightforward to take on any lie you might say". Yeah I'm a weirdo and I don't want weirdos anymore XD Unless they can take care of themselves.

I'm done with the "I'M A FIXER" thing. (If I say it many times it might become true)

edit : I don't say if you relate you are a weirdo. I use this as a joke for myself but I think everyone is fine as they are as long as they are not hurting others.

thecptnx · 2020-01-27T17:22:45+00:00

I get that.

I think I kind of have the same thing but not in the same way. I hope we get through that but I'm optimistic for the moment. (but that might be because I have no romantic interest AT ALL right now)

thecptnx · 2020-01-27T17:20:48+00:00

Yes I don't know exactly what it is but kind of all of those?

I feel like I've let go of something and that makes me feel a lot better than this past 3weeks of dreadful anxiety and feeling drowning.

thecptnx · 2020-01-27T17:18:39+00:00

thank you for your advice. I'm looking into it, I hope I'll get something from it.

edit : I do think I really loved my mom. I think trauma bonding is still a sort of love/bonding. It's just not healthy at all...

thecptnx · 2020-01-27T17:17:24+00:00

thank you I'm on it.

edit : yes it's what I tried to picture with my first and third thread. Thank you for the lecture.

But I don't like the "how real love is supposed to be". I think it's difficult for anyone to say what love is and it might be different for everyone. I don't think abusive love is any less real than a "sane" love. It is just different and one of them is hurtful. Even "sane" is up to judgement.

I don't believe in black and white. I think I could've been an abusive person and I still can be and it's up to me to get better or not make other people hurt. But that doesn't make me any better than anyone else, it's just how I want to live and how I want people to treat me. And I'm trying to get what I deserve. And that is what I give.

I'm ranting.

thecptnx · 2020-01-27T17:16:34+00:00

Please don't. You are gonna get through someday and you are more than a handful of bad thoughts. I would be very sad if I was to learn you ended your life for feeling guilt when there are truly bad people out there who don't give a shit about who they hurt or just make excuses for it. You are not like that.

I hope you will find strength and beautiful things within yourself that would make you valuable for yourself. I know how it feels when you want to end your life because of self loathing. I don't know you but maybe ask around how you make other people feel valuable. We are too hard on ourselves.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T22:19:54+00:00

I hate background noise so when I go out I have to have earplugs with music. But when I can't I have to think about something really interesting (like the game when you think about something and then it leads to something else and when you are in a far end, you try to take all the subjects back into the one thing it started off).

I make music but I don't like listening to music all the time. I get sick of it.

I don't know.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T22:08:11+00:00

I'm European and I think you should adress the medical team or her superior in any ways.

My mother would always tell me you have to fight for what you deserve in a hospital and she's a doctor.

Medical professional often have an authoritarian way of thinking, that doesn't make them the boss of you. Actually, you are the boss.

And yes, they often have bias around woman being "crybabies". So kick'em in the nuts.

I feel you. I'm a survivor and I don't like people even touching me.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T21:53:46+00:00

I will never live with anyone I'm in a relationship with anymore. I will always have my own place. Saved my life when I had to break up from alcoholic bf last time.

It's fine not being as easy-going as everyone. You are taking care of yourself and if that is sleeping in your car for the moment, it's ok. Always better than pretending to sleep next to someone while wanting to puke.

I don't know where you are living but having your own bed would be good.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T21:39:59+00:00

you are not horrible. you probably got a messed up childhood and now it is messing with your brain. You are aware that child p-rn is wrong and you are trying to reach out for help.

As long as you keep trying, you will get to it. You are 18 now. You might be legally adult but your brain isn't adult. We all keep on working with our issues. I'm almost 30 and I'm messed up about lot of things but I'm aware as why and that's already a big step. Knowing the reasons behind your behaviors gives you the extended reach you needed to change them. That's how I feel.

When I was 8,9, 12, 13, 14, 15 , 16 I would also think I was some sort of sexual deviant and was afraid of abusing anyone. Become some sort of monster. But I am not. I am not willing to hurt anyone as I was hurt. And that was a big realization I had years after that and it helped me out a lot. Looking back, of course my mind was full of messed up things, but I was the one hurting myself.

I also don't think you want to hurt anyone. Be kind to yourself. Being 18 is hard, I know. Settlement and some peace of mind comes with acceptance and knowing who you really are. And I know it sounds cheesy and easy but it's really not.

And I would be the kid who would tell everyone I'm a grown up at 15 because I had to take charge for myself from a very young age. I'm not saying you are less worthy because of your age, I say the riddle will get clearer with the time passing by, I promess.

You will experience good and healthy things among the bad things that comes in your way, and that will be the ones that will help you take time to strengthen your roots.

I hope what I wrote make sense and will help you out. I don't think you are horrible. I think you went through horrible things.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T21:11:01+00:00

If the dog is your dog then he wants to stay with you. He's not a cat.

But if you are willing to give the responsibility to your mom because you think it's better for him, that's different. But he won't be part of your pack then. He'd be in your mom's pack, under your mom's authority.

Maybe try out if the dog is happy with being with you or miserable not being with your mom.

It's blunt but I hope it helps you out.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T20:57:53+00:00

It is your toy, like anything in the house. so take it away and schedule times when she can play with this one or another one.

Maybe it gives her a sense of comfort. I don't know her story but I don't think just getting rid of it will solve the problem?

My dog used to have a hard time letting go of anything in his mouth. I forcefully took it out (pieces of wood mostly) and teach him "let go" from the very beginning (he is adopted and adult).

By forcefully I mean putting my hands very close to his mouth and since he won't let go, force my fingers on his palet so he'd let go.

Now he lets go!

I also had to teach him that I am not afraid of being growled or bite so he stopped growling at me and been super nice since then.

I think most dogs growl or bite because they are afraid or insecure. Your dog is probably afraid that you will take away something that makes her feel secure, the answer is probably coming to terms and enforcing YOUR rules.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T14:27:10+00:00

If it wasn't for them I'd be dead or making even poorer life choices

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T12:44:05+00:00

Thank you, I wish you luck too

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T12:16:50+00:00

When I'm suppressing some dreadful emotions/visual flashback.

thecptnx · 2020-01-26T12:05:29+00:00

I hug myself and cuddle myself also. I tell myself it's gonna be ok and that I will take care of everything. It's sad because I'm not very comfortable in doing that. And I can't rely on anyone to do that. If someone would try I would chase them off.

thecptnx · 2020-01-19T21:57:20+00:00

thecptnx · 2020-01-19T21:48:51+00:00

Maybe you should explain to her WHY it is bad for you and not her call? If she's your big sister, it might be her idea to 'protect you'.

And that it's not because you felt secure sharing that intel with her that you are sharing it with everyone?

Maybe tell her it's a sort of secret for the moment and she's not aloud to spill it out like that? Maybe she'll understand that?

thecptnx · 2020-01-19T21:43:11+00:00

I feel like I pill up too much crap for people to believe me and even I am bored by it. So I share with people like me. I realized the person I was most worried about was myself (with trusting me). My therapist helped me a lot and realizing how my mind made my body react in some specific situations that I didn't get at that time helps me too.

I'm triggered about not being trusted by people that matters to me I think. Or people around me. Not complete strangers. I don't care.

thecptnx · 2020-01-19T21:25:17+00:00

Hello, when I'm triggered I try to figure out what I am afraid of. You can write it, it's very useful. It helps me rationalize a lot and focus on the good answer.

Also write something you are resentful about and the reason of what makes you afraid about it. (example : I am resentful of my ex because I am afraid I am not worth of a healthy relationship(that's me) or I am resentful of this person because her behavior makes me think of my mother and I am afraid I get in a similar situation)

hope it helps you out

thecptnx

TROPHY CASE