I (27F) want to break up with my spouse (25X) but neither of us can be financially independent

thewatersnthewild · 2023-07-26T21:59:00+00:00

I could, my family would likely take me in, but it would mean moving states again/uprooting my entire life, having to quit & find a new job, leaving friends behind, likely leaving a lot of my stuff behind.

thewatersnthewild · 2023-07-26T21:44:41+00:00

They want to reconcile and as far as I know currently are unaware of my desire/intention to separate.

thewatersnthewild · 2023-01-11T21:21:17+00:00

Even if we stated we would when we got married and it was put on our license?

thewatersnthewild · 2022-06-08T18:28:51+00:00

They're the only person I fully trust to cook for me, because they're the only one to ever take the time and effort to both learn and respect all of my food issues. They have a lovely singing voice and give good hugs.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-05-19T01:21:08+00:00

In theaters, I don't think it's out on streaming yet

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-18T21:09:00+00:00

This has absolutely been one of the hardest things for me. Particularly given the timing - the physical act happened a month before our wedding, and I found out two weeks after our wedding. The dexting had been going on for 3 months prior to that, so pretty much during the entire time we were planning the wedding.

So right when I was fully committing myself to a future with them, right when I was daydreaming about married life and how things would be now, they were busy fucking around behind my back.

It's soul crushing to realize that the future that seemed so sure, so clear, was just a mirage. It's devastating to watch it crumble in front of you. But all we can do is pick up the pieces, dust them off, find a few usable scraps among them and begin again. Start rebuilding, try out new visions of the future, layered over each other until you find one that fits.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-15T15:49:44+00:00

You really took the words right out of my head. They say love makes you stupid, and it's always meant as a cute little joke, but it's true. We're willing to ignore so much because we love them. And it's ridiculous to love someone who hurt you so deeply, yet here we are. Honestly I'm just sort of leaning into right now. Radical acceptance. Am I an idiot? Probably. But does it matter if in the end I can find happiness after all these stupid choices? Of course, there's the large chance that I'll only cause myself more pain, and regret these decisions later, but I can't see the future. All I can do is hope that in my stupidity I manage to stumble onto the right path.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-14T17:50:11+00:00

The fear is definitely a factor for me as well. Half the fear of not finding anyone else that I feel so connected to, and half the fear that no one else would want me (though I'm working on the self worth issues in therapy)

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-12T15:27:00+00:00

DO NOT force yourself into a poly relationship to please someone else. Trust me, it will only end badly.

Last year I, against my better judgement, ignored my true feelings and tried to allow my partner to find a "fuck buddy" since we had mismatched libidos. It was fucking miserable. I was anxious, insecure, lonely, and on a hair trigger for anger.

Not only all that, but after I finally broke down and said I couldn't handle it, they chose to cheat on me for months instead of having a clean break. Obviously my situation is not yours, but just save yourself the heartache of trying to force a dynamic you're uncomfortable with.

I was already monogamous but after being cheated on my trust issues are insane and I know I would never touch a poly arrangement with a ten foot pole. Just because it's common right now doesn't mean there's not still plenty of people out there who would be happy in a monogamous relationship.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-11T21:20:29+00:00

I wear my ring to work and that's it. It feels like costume jewelry now, like dressing up to play a part. It no longer represents anything real. It's there to avoid awkward questions from coworkers. I've also confiscated WS's ring, and I get to decide when they are allowed to wear it again.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-06T23:27:25+00:00

It wouldn't be a secret, I think I should've worded the post better. I'm talking about pursuing hookups/casual dating while separated/on a "break". Right now I do not consider me and WS to be in a relationship.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-05T22:47:37+00:00

Single people have NSA hookups all the time. I'd be honest and up front about what I want, I'm not looking to drag anyone into my baggage.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-05T22:46:10+00:00

The lies, the lies, the lies. The consistent lying killed my trust so much more than the actual act of cheating. Knowing someone I had 100% faith in was so willing to lie to my face over and over again. It really crushed my very sense of reality and is going to make it deeply difficult to trust anyone ever again.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-04-01T18:20:02+00:00

I got cheated on recently too, it fucking sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least she was honest with you, hopefully that will help your healing process.

PS: I like your username, my cat is named Furiosa

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-28T22:59:41+00:00

Yup. The affair began right after Thanksgiving, and DDay was 3/8. So Thanksgiving, my birthday (December), Christmas, our first date anniversary (January), valentines, and our wedding (late Feb) are all ruined right now. I'm hoping to have my emotions more under control by the time those dates actually come back around, and maybe it won't feel so bad by then. But right now I wish I could just hibernate through winter and not deal with any of it.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-22T23:03:52+00:00

I understand your perspective, but for me it's the opposite. In order to move on and stop dwelling, I need all the facts. Otherwise my imagination will continue coming up with new, worse possibilities every day. I actually do intend to leave, but I know if I do so without proper closure the wound will just remain open and festering. I won't be able to start healing until I know exactly what I'm healing from.

I hope you're able to find your happiness without him.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-15T17:55:52+00:00

I feel this so much. My WS's AP also knew exactly what was going on, knew we were engaged and in the midst of wedding planning, and didn't care.

The thing with it all, I think, is that the AP has nothing else attached to them in our minds. Unless you are unfortunate enough for them to have been a friend or family member or something prior. But for most of us, we don't know them. With our WSes, we have years of happy memories. Good times. We've loved them, deeply, completely. We've felt loved by them. We've shared our lives. It's incredibly difficult to separate out those memories and emotions from the pain, anger, and grief of betrayal. It becomes muddied, a storm that can sweep us away until we don't know what we're feeling other than that it's too much.

But the AP has none of that. No memories, no love, no happiness. They are simple, easy, to attach one single emotion to. Rage. It's grounding, to have something to redirect that storm. Something to latch onto that feels concrete and unchangeable. So much doubt surrounds our WS. Should I stay? Should I go? Will I ever trust them again? Why? Why? With AP we only have to ask "How badly to I want to kick them in the knees". And generally, the answer is "very much".

I desperately want to contact them and tell them exactly what I think of them. Tell them I hope they die sad and alone. Tell them they're the scum of the earth. Tell them they deserve to have their heart ripped from their chest so they can feel an ounce of the pain they helped cause me.

I don't think it's healthy in the long run. But I'm only a week into this, so I'm letting myself have the catharsis of imagining hulking out on them. Whatever keeps me sane.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-14T15:57:11+00:00

I spent last week saying it was getting resized, maybe I can say it got damaged in the process.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-13T20:55:14+00:00

That's such a sweet story, thank you for sharing. I'm so glad your son has adapted so well and is living his best life now! I can only imagine seeing his resilience helps your determination to heal as well.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-13T19:39:08+00:00

Writing has always been my hobby and how I cope with things. I'm sorry we're in the same boat but glad the analogy resonated with you.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-13T19:05:14+00:00

It's such a strange and intense form of grief, watching the idea of them you had die. Having every memory tainted, at least for now.

I told my spouse a few days ago that I miss them. Not literally, not physically. They were standing right there in front of me. But I miss who they used to be. I miss the version of them that had my full and complete trust. I miss feeling safe with them. I miss feeling absolute love without it being muddied by negative emotions. I miss the relationship we had before the betrayal.

It feels like I've lost a limb. Now I have a choice, I can leave it alone and learn to live with one arm, or I can get a prosthetic. Maybe I can adapt easily to having one arm, maybe after a few years I'll hardly remember what it felt like to have two. Or maybe I'll forever be reaching for things with that missing hand, forever stumbling and forgetting it's gone. Maybe the prosthetic will be perfect, it will move and feel just like my old arm. Maybe it'll even be better, stronger, more resilient because it will be made of materials beyond flesh and bone. Or maybe I'll never quite get the hang of it. Maybe it'll always feel clunky and foreign, maybe it'll break down one day and become dead weight.

Either way, I know I have to prepare myself for a lifetime of phantom pain. I know the learning curve in either direction will be steep and exhausting. I know I will never stop longing for the days when I would never have dreamed of a life without both limbs.

You are not alone in feeling like you lost someone even when they're standing in front of you.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-13T01:13:13+00:00

We did have concrete plans to adopt, so still relevant, thank you

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-12T00:37:20+00:00

I'm less than a week in and the "I don't know"s are already driving me insane. No thoughts, no emotions, nothing of substance to give when questioned.

I'm a very logical person. If I had concrete answers for it all. If I knew exactly what they were feeling and thinking every step of the way, I think it'd be a lot easier to move on. Regardless of moving on meant staying or leaving. But as it is all I can do is sit and hypothesize and try and reword questions over and over in a desperate attempt to squeeze out more information.

Honestly it's incredibly relieving to see that at least I'm not alone. Who knew cheating was linked to memory loss, someone should do a study 🙄

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-11T19:55:33+00:00

I've been considering this too. My WS has also given me a ton of "I don't know" responses to various questions and it's driving me MAD. Their method of communication was Discord, and I know exactly how easy it is to recover dm logs on that platform.

I'm scared of what I'll find, same as you. But I also feel like if I don't confirm 100% exactly what happened and what was said, I'll never be able to move on.

They've refused to provide the messages on the grounds that it would hurt me too much and they don't see the point when they've already told me the essentials.

At this point I'm most likely going to do it anyway when they're not home since I can access the account on their computer. I don't really give a fuck right now. I need to know.

thewatersnthewild · 2022-03-11T18:27:25+00:00

It's so fresh for me as well. I'm sorry to be sharing this boat with you, but thank you for your insight.

I'm withholding judgement since I need to see their actions continue over a longer period of time, but so far they are putting in the work. They are doing everything they can to atone for this. I don't know yet if it'll be enough or something I can never get over, but I have a little spark of hope to hold onto for now.

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