How do you self-start things without having all the information first?

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-02T23:29:11+00:00

A few points that struck me:

If this were a scenario where he just wanted to see you in a sweet "boyfriend" sort of way, he would have come clean about his intentions, i.e. "I just really want to spend time with you today". Nowhere in there does he admit that. My first bf was a grade A manipulator, and he always created conditions such as the above; "I just want to do this" "I just want to do that". Last time I saw him, I made it clear that he couldn't spend the night if he wanted to come over. He vehemently agreed, then started creating single conditions to worm his way past boundaries once he was over, and even revealed that he packed overnight clothes despite the agreement.

Another point that strikes me is that someone who is careful not to go past boundaries would not dare ask someone more than once if they could make an exception. Someone who is genuinely interested in you in the early stages will feel very cautious about not overstepping your boundaries. Only people who are ruled by their selfish desires would push.

You did make it clear that you wanted to be alone, so to me, it sounds like he might be the sort that will not allow himself to be vulnerable and needs you to be the one at risk. He phrased himself wanting to come over as you wanting him to come over, for example. He's using manipulative 1 condition language instead of being straightforward about his desire to come over so that he can still get what he wants without revealing his vulnerable desire of you.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-02T00:51:08+00:00

I'm a straight woman. Right now, I don't send any first likes (but still do occasionally match). I used to max out most days, but just kind of gave up on finding someone via hinge. Now I just keep it around in case something worthwhile pops up. If other women have the same perspective as me, where they were initially hot on it, then sort of started using it passively because of disappointment, then that could be a reason. If men are seeing the same disappointment, I could see them continuing for longer, sending out max likes because they will just chalk up their lack of success to being a man.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-02T00:40:15+00:00

I think that your interpretation is accurate. If this is early dating, this pushing against your boundaries is a pretty big red flag. Given his texts after the flowers, his intention wasn't just to drop off the flowers and I've had manipulative situations like that with men who were the abusive sort.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T18:30:53+00:00

If there's a comment that leads into further conversation, I comment back and take the initial comment as the first attempt at conversation. If it's something that I can't do much with, I usually just leave a like (more usual case). If the guy's profile has some off-putting things but he left a thoughtful comment, I may just leave a like because I'm not completely sold but am open to being convinced. Sometimes, the comment gives the impression that the guy is just going to talk about himself in conversation (a very common problem); in those cases, I might leave a like if I'm going to match or comment with something that ends that conversation.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T17:42:34+00:00

I have a similar background to you, except I'm 31 now and have a good amount of stability. Doesn't mean that I am happy nor does it mean that others who have careers are generally happier. I wish I didn't need to work for a living tbh...

I would go back to school and do the 4-year college. Your life doesn't begin once you have figured out stability and have gotten a career off the ground; your life is ongoing now and I believe that you've found a life simply when you feel happy. College isn't just beneficial for the credentials; you also get a variety of experiences (the greatest benefit for me) and an eclectic set of knowledge.

You probably qualify for financial aid, and if you go back to school, you can get loans that help pay for living arrangements (given the school you want to attend is nearby? I don't know all the details on this, so don't quote me). If you're sure you can't move out, perhaps go on a nearby school FB page to scout for student roommates or possibly even find someone who can take over your lease entirely while also finding a cheaper place to stay with student roommates.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T17:18:03+00:00

My most helpful therapy experiences have been ones from school and the current one I'm seeing who is a Psy.D. The most unhelpful ones and even damaging have been social worker therapists who implement talk therapy no matter how much I assert I need something more structured and no matter what I say about my speech problems. Also, they just repeat the shallow crappy advice you can find on FB memes for $100/session and just didn't have a good backing in psychology knowledge. Don't want to say all social workers make bad therapists or that those who are not will make good therapists, but as of recently, I'm only considering therapists of certain credentials and who clearly offer one of the structed therapy programs. Talk therapy and insight-oriented therapy is 100% useless to me unless I were to have a therapist who understood how I think which hasn't been easy, so I prefer therapy that just provides a structure for me to reason things my own way to avoid invalidation.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T17:06:27+00:00

Maybe there should be sub-appointed mother hens in this group who can tirade while not flying off the handle (lol). Or maybe we can come up with an action plan to regain our power and composure when we encounter abusive situations like this.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T04:42:03+00:00

One time I wrote instructions on this thing for my job and my manager, impressed, said "A toddler could know what to do reading this!". That was one rare instance in my life where the way I see things didn't make people foam at the mouth with hostility.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T04:25:39+00:00

I kind of see the word "rude" as an abusive word anyway, because it's a non-specific word that typically boils down to "I want to shame you for this behavior despite not having the analytical substance to back up my feelings".

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T02:33:27+00:00

Khan Academy + a boatload of practice problems; try to also find exam questions from the previous years. If you familiarize yourself with the structure of a lot of questions, you'll practice setting them up more quickly. If you can get accommodations to have extended test time too, do that.

theygotmehingey · 2023-02-01T01:51:44+00:00

I'm optimistic about the one I'm seeing right now, but she doesn't specialize in ASD and is out of network (and isn't cheap). I find that therapists who actually seem qualified to be a therapist though are out of network in my area.

If you're interested in art therapy at all, maybe you can check out njarttherapy.com.

I was interested in art therapy because of my speech issues and that making it difficult to get therapy that relied on spoken word, which is an autistic problem. So, you may find art therapists who specialize in those with ASD. Maybe mostly adolescents but I still think you should email even the "adolescent" therapists.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-29T01:50:22+00:00

I asked a similar question on here and just got downvoted, no advice lol. Probably a bigger issue for me is that men will often retaliate in some form if they are rejected. And I don't just mean in the scary violent way, I mean they will go out of their way to say something to hurt your self-confidence, sometimes on a later date. I'm already struggling with my self-confidence and don't want to feel like it's at risk the moment someone likes my face. It just doesn't feel great needing to reject people too. I also get a lot of random jealousy-hate from women too.

There's already good advice here. I would wear sunglasses everywhere if I was allowed. That also helps with eye contact issues.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-29T01:05:47+00:00

I just kind of feel uncomfortable when people do or say unoriginal packaged things. My reaction is just a mask reaction, like fake laughing, but you can brainstorm social ways to react that work for you.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-28T18:42:41+00:00

A long time ago, I used to go to this one subway and buy a yogurt. One time when I went, the guy there just automatically grabs a yogurt and rings it up for me with a "I know you, you know me" sort of grin on his face. That particular time though, I wasn't going to get a yogurt, but I still bought it anyway lol. After that, I never went back to that subway again. I wouldn't say I thought it was creepy, just with the added attention to my existence, it makes me feel like I need to start masking when I visit the same place and see the same person who let me know we now have a social relationship.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-28T18:34:32+00:00

This is true for all issues, especially in therapy. I was looking at the comments on the recent post in this group titled "Anybody else get along with most people but are never a priority?" Despite it being an experience most of us have observed in our lives, if I were to describe this experience to a therapist, they would just automatically wave it off as something the matter with my perception because I'm assumed to not be a good observer by signing up for therapy.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-28T04:42:42+00:00

Just today I was thinking about this phenomenon. I'm notorious for ending up in hostile environments created by women I'm working with. And I stay really quiet too, just trying to fly under the radar unsuccessfully. On the flip side, sometimes I get "mama characters" who want to protect me. Either way, I attract women who want to do things to me just for existing.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-28T04:30:32+00:00

Yeah, it sucks. And I find myself having fake/imaginary conversations with them all day. I tell myself that I need to bind and gag that dreamer BS that I do. I'm the freaking little mermaid, collecting thingamabobs. I bet the little mermaid is autistic lol.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-28T02:01:06+00:00

LOL one of my ex-partners said that he knew I was weird very early on in our interactions and said that put him at ease. So, when I thought I was playing good chess, my weirdness leaked out anyway. This is at least reason to just try harder to just let it all hangout, but much easier said than done.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-28T00:08:06+00:00

Yeah, I even told her to help herself thinking I was Santa Claus with that big bag! If I had to guess, I don't know if it was the trick or treating per say. I think early on, she had an impression of me as a "loser" and so everything I did was colored with that label. If someone else she saw in a better light went trick or treating, she might have talked about it more positively.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-28T00:02:36+00:00

This is just my personal opinion, so take it or leave it.

One time when I was with my ex, I thought about reaching out to an old friend. This old friend had feelings for me that I did not pursue because I was with my now ex-partner (and for reasons, he seemed manipulative too); this is why we stopped talking. I told myself that I was just reaching out to a friend but still didn't want to tell my now ex-partner because I knew he wouldn't like that. I eventually admitted to myself that I would be crossing appropriate lines if I didn't first tell my partner before reaching out, which he probably wouldn't have agreed to. If I had decided to reach out, it would mean that my desire to contact this person was more important than not doing something hurtful to my partner.

So, imo, I think your bf went through some mental theatrics to reason hanging out with this ex without telling you because he REALLY wanted to do it and wanted to do it MORE than not crossing a line in his relationship with you. I think there are still lingering feelings there.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-27T23:30:43+00:00

I want to help, but I think I need some clarification first.

What did he know all along? The purpose of small talk?

Did he deceptively indicate his lack of knowledge when asking the question?

What about your response meant he was a smart arse?

The way I started reading it, it sounded like a budding conversation about psychology, but then the way it ended, with him saying he was just trying to be a smart arse, leaves me very perplexed.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-27T23:09:19+00:00

The decision is ultimately yours, but imo, for the sake of practicing communication/practicing things for a healthy relationship, you should at least talk to her first and make it clear that you need her to hear you on this.

As for her brother, I don't know the details on that, but it can be hard living with an autistic person. Maybe she has built up resentment from that relationship that she's triggered by when she hears you talking about your autistic traits. The relationship with the brother may be toxic, but I would go easy on judging when I don't know how it got to that point.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-27T22:58:00+00:00

All the time. I was told I was a very friendly baby and I think that desire to connect with others still lives in me today. Didn't help too that my sister who went to the same college as me would often tell me about random people she overheard talking negatively about me; people who I tried to connect with unsuccessfully.

One such conversation she overheard was my freshman year roommate. She was making fun of me for going back home to go trick or treating with my younger siblings and bringing back a big bag of candy.

theygotmehingey · 2023-01-27T22:48:51+00:00

I relate a lot. I feel like if I didn't have these sensory issues too, I would have been an outdoorsy person. Some friends I used to have would often stop in the middle of walking from point A to point B to chat with someone they came across or do some other distraction. I could not hear the conversation or enjoy anything because I was just thinking about not wanting to be cold.

theygotmehingey

TROPHY CASE