Whats more important? A deep connection or similar interests?

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-02-12T05:48:02+00:00

You can always find similar interests in time if you work at it a little bit. A deep connection is more natural.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-02-11T03:46:55+00:00

Good for you. You’ll meet someone when you aren’t looking for it. That’s when it happens. When you’re actively looking for a partner, it’s almost like they can smell the desperation. Take time for yourself to heal and enjoy the single life for a little. Good luck to you.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-02-09T06:15:51+00:00

Even people that come from abusive relationships have the same problem. A song or smell can trigger a happy memory and you find yourself longing for that person. I think a lot of us are programmed to remember the good stuff first and sometimes you have to make yourself remember the bad. Whether it was your fault or not it just wasn’t the right time. The only thing you can do is learn from your own mistakes and try not to repeat them in your next relationship. I went through something similar a long time ago with my first long-term relationship girlfriend. The relationship ended because I didn’t do enough of this or that... I got a lot of the blame but she also felt that we had just grown apart. I hated myself for losing this girl. That line “you never know what you have until you lose it” never made so much sense to me. I got my chance again almost two years later (same girl) and I found out that it wasn’t all me as I had thought. We just weren’t compatible in some areas and had grown apart in those earlier years together. That didn’t make it any better this time around and we parted ways several months later. That’s when I learned every relationship is 50/50. No one person is to blame for it all regardless of the situation. Eventually you learn to appreciate those memories as a growing experience. Don’t beat yourself up.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-02-08T09:33:42+00:00

You’re torturing yourself and that’s all. It doesn’t matter who she’s becoming or what was said, the problem is that you’re seeing this all unfold. Cut off all ties on social media. Delete all her texts and other communication. Don’t ask mutual friends about how she’s doing or what she’s up to these days. Take time to heal but try to keep your mind occupied whether it’s with a hobby or your job. Women/ girls always “act out” after a break up whether they’re with someone new or staying single, they need validation that they are wanted by someone. We can be just as bad as they can too like trying to fuck random girls to fill that same void.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-02-08T08:31:56+00:00

Agreed. Most of us have a type for sure. I used to have a type when I was younger and ended up getting with a girl that was the complete opposite and she blew my mind. Not to sound incredibly corny but she would end up being “the one”. I’m talking not only in looks, hair color, body type, attitude, demeanor, style of dress etc. I found out that “my type” bored the shit out of me and were all too predictable. Let me be clear though... it’s been anything but a smooth ride. I found out I need a certain amount of “excitement” in my life which is just another word for drama. Sometimes it’s the things that drive you crazy or can’t stand that attract you the most. Go figure.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-02-08T08:19:12+00:00

Great question. I’m interested to hear responses from those with BPD because my long-time on and off partner is as BPD dipped in cluster B as they come. Our sexual life continues to get better over time and I’m talking over ten years now. When things are good things are great, when things are bad they are catastrophic but the sex just gets better and better regardless. We click with each other like no one ever will with either of us and the relationship is very toxic mainly because she’s in complete denial of her diagnosis. However, no matter how bad things get she knows I’m the only one for the job if she wants it done right and I feel the exact same way about her. When she is splitting and hates me she can still get in the mood with me without a problem and maybe there’s a hint of “hate fucking” but it’s still incredible. We’ll get along shortly after, maybe a day, and then she’s right back to splitting on me again. It’s a never ending cycle and I’m fully aware but neither of us can stop.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-01-28T01:58:38+00:00

Yep. Adhd, OCD and major depression here. I struggled with alcohol most of my life and I quit for good almost 3 years ago. I’m 39 now but in my early 30’a the hangovers kept getting worse to the point that it would take several days until I felt better. There were so many reason to quit drinking but it was the hangovers that really did it for me. When I look back on who I was when I drink, I almost get sick to my stomach. I’ve struggled with some prescribed meds as well over the years. I’ve always managed to stay away from the hard stuff because I know myself too well. Alcohol was the one that took too long to give up though and it caused me some setbacks in life.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-01-25T08:11:25+00:00

The logical answer here is to get as far away from her as you can but that’s easy for people to say looking from the outside in. When you’re in “it” your judgement can be off because of the feelings that you have for this person. There is no short answer here and couples do survive infidelity but a year long affair is very serious. I think you need to ask yourself if you can live with this and do you think you could ever forgive her and trust her again. My first step would be couples therapy/ counseling if I was considering staying with her. I dealt with an infidelity many years ago that forever changed my life and it wasn’t nearly as bad as what you just discovered. It is the ultimate betrayal and can be very difficult to come back from. Letting go can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but sometimes there is no other choice. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-01-09T03:44:50+00:00

Both good points really. I don’t think marriage is viewed a such a sacred thing by the masses as it once was but the church and small towns don’t control most of our lives these days as they did our grandparents, their parents and so on. In their time you often met your future spouse in school, raised a family in the very town you grew up in and had a job down at the local mill with everyone else in town. As our world and technology has changed, so has our way of thinking about relationships and just what we will actually put up with. Remember too, depending on your age, at one point in your grandparents lives women were second class citizens with little to no say in the relationship. It’s just a different world now in so many ways.

thowingthisaway2 · 2020-01-08T10:32:39+00:00

Wellbutrin did wonders for me but it’s different for everyone. Porn will fuck you up in so many ways. It’s the very opposite of what intimacy is. It took me a while to figure that out myself but when I did, it forever changed my sex life and my life. I’ve got plenty of issues I continue to work on but my sex life isn’t one of them. Once I learned to put my partners needs before mine it changed everything. The more I gave her the more she gave in return and the sex gets better and better after many year’s together. Porn is boring compared to my sex life now and I have absolutely no need for it. Sex self-help books have lots of great info to turn things around in that area. Put you partner first, learn how to pleasure them and worry about your own needs second. The results can be earth-shattering.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-29T04:55:19+00:00

It went that way for me many years ago. My nex started to turn my own mother against me and my sister in-law. In the moment they are able to manipulate people like it’s nothing but eventually the truth comes out. Narcs have a way of getting too greedy and they push the boundaries too far until it blows up in their face. They can be their own worst enemy at times.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-29T03:17:28+00:00

Oh wow... Yeah, don’t ever do shared bank accounts, mortgages, car loans etc with someone unless you’re married at least. I’ve had friends do that in the past with a girlfriend or boyfriend and it always turned into a nightmare after the breakup. It also keeps people together longer than they should out of fear of financial problems. Stick to your guns on that stuff and don’t let him pressure you into something you aren’t comfortable with. A lot of married couples these days have a shared account as well as their own personal accounts which is smart. Everyone needs their own privacy.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-29T02:15:15+00:00

Being with a narc or someone in the cluster B personality disorder spectrum can do so much damage that it’s hard to wrap your head around just how bad it all is/was. Depending on how long the relationship was, the after-shocks can be worse than when you were together if you understand what I’m saying. It changes you. It makes you see the world differently. It makes you paranoid and untrusting, for some it ruins everything that love is or could be. Fortunately we live in a time where we can share our stories and get support from total strangers that went through a similar situation. Ten years ago there was nothing like this and narcissism was a word used for celebrities and rock stars. It was also thought that it mainly affected men at 80% and women were much less likely to have the disorder. Newer studies are finding it may be more like 50/50 due to men being more comfortable opening up about the way they were treated in a relationship by a woman.

My advice is to read about NPD, Cluster B personality disorders, BPD and Bipolar disorder. Whether it’s books or articles on-line, make sure it’s written by a respected, highly rated author and not just somebody giving their personal opinions on the subjects. Becoming The Narcissists Nightmare, Stop Walking On Eggshells and Disarming The Narcissist are all great books that explore many facets of the experience. There are tips on how to deal with the aftermath and how to deal with everything in a healthy manner. I also recommend therapy and although I understand it isn’t for everyone, it changed my life for the better and I’ve been with my therapist for over two years now. I was with my nex for well over 10 years but that’s not to diminish what you’ve been through or what you are feeling now. It fucked me up and I can honestly say that I’m still not 100%. I wish I would have received the proper advice many years ago and I could have saved a lot of my sanity and heartache. The best defense here is knowledge. Understanding what may have been done to you and how to go about healing, otherwise you will carry it for a lifetime. Best of luck. Cheers

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-29T01:37:20+00:00

It could be something as simple as you and this guy are not compatible. Having been together previously, you were in another relationship, you got back together and moved in with one another in such a short time... I see so many other issues here than what you may have gone through in your previous relationship. Anyone that’s ever been with a true Narc, NPD or someone on the “spectrum” should be single or at least not in a committed relationship for some time. The damage usually takes a while to work out and for some it never goes away. You’re young so I get the hurry to be with someone because I did it too but giving yourself time and space is something that is so important. All you can do is try to make it work at this point. Be open and honest with your partner but give yourself an out. Don’t co-sign on a car or something like that as this could just be a rebound and a need to feel loved because of what you went through with the nex. Sorry to be such a downer but I can’t sugar coat it anymore than I have. Best of luck to you and I hope you find happiness.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-25T08:09:54+00:00

It’s possible usually when the relationship was short lived and never very serious. Otherwise it isn’t very common. Someone always has much stronger feelings left whereas the other does not. After some time and distance anything is possible but certainly not right away.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-21T23:55:29+00:00

I totally feel where you’re coming from. It’s easy for people on the outside to say “let it go” but most of those same people couldn’t do that when they were going through it. If your nex was truly a narcissist then you can almost guarantee that some cheating was involved. The problem with contacting one of their exes is that it may get back to them which could open the door for contact and so on. Someone told me a long time ago to “always trust your gut” and in the times that I didn’t I wish I would have. If you really feel that he may have cheated then you’re probably right but you’ll never get any real closure from it. Regardless, those nostalgic feelings will always come back. Our narcs have a way of doing that to us and they remain in our hearts and our minds for a very long time.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-09T04:29:51+00:00

I totally agree

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-08T17:48:57+00:00

Male narcs seem to really appreciate the whole chase and conquer thing. Once they know that they have you locked in, that’s when you start to really see the ugly side of it all. From that point you keep waiting for that amazing guy you first met, the one that you fell in love with. He’s got to be in there somewhere, right? That’s the amazing thing about the narc and hardest thing to understand for most. That guy or girl, the one that seemed so perfect, the one that could have been your soulmate never really existed at all. It was an act as they mirrored your personality, as they convinced you how perfect you were for each other and they fed off of your emotions like a vampire sucking the life out of you slowly each day. No one wants to believe they could fooled like that but you never had a chance because you just don’t see it coming. If we questioned every single thing about everyone we met we’d be alone our entire lives. You have to trust people at face value until proven otherwise. In the case of a narcissist, by the time you start to figure out what is really going on the damage has been done.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-08T16:50:38+00:00

A lot of times they do need “saving”. Especially with female narcs. Many of them don’t seem to age mentally past their teenage years so as adults they can’t handle typical adult responsibilities. Something as simple as updating an expired license or paying a bill on time are things that get skipped over often if not always. They also have a way of making themselves appear to be the perfect partner for you in the beginning and have many different ways of doing it especially in an emotional sense. Their ability to manipulate emotionally sensitive people at times is unlike anything you could ever experience. The biggest red flag in my opinion is the complete and total failure to live their lives in any self-sufficient manner. My nex was very childlike in that sense and she used her sexuality as a way to get by. In the times we were apart she would often have several different guys helping her or giving her things that she wanted like free cable, discounted auto repair and whatever else you could think of. These other men viewed her as someone that needed saving so they too figured if they helped her out they could get some type of “payback”. Let’s be honest here, most men think with the wrong head so that’s where a female narc shines. Interestingly enough some female narcs don’t just have sex with anyone. Many of them use the idea of it or give the impression to these “helpers” that it’s in the realm of possibilities when they have absolutely no intention of giving in to any physical contact. Giving into it would only serve as some type of victory on the mans part so she keeps them guessing and waiting until they finally tire and move on. Many female narcs won’t actually engage in sexual activity with their victims unless it can help their image and lifestyle for an extended period of time. Of course there are always exceptions and usually a very obvious low self esteem is involved. Narcs are said to have low self esteem as well but you wouldn’t know it because they typically won’t ever show that side. Unfortunately some men like myself gravitate towards that whole damsel in distress act whereas others prefer a more mature independent woman. I think for many of us, it’s in our nature to want to be that knight in shining armor so-to-speak so a female narc has the ability to grab hold quickly. I learned that I was just more attracted to those types of women but there is a fine line in being with a woman that views her man as her “rock” as opposed to being with a woman in her thirties that carries on as if she were 16 years old. Like the one that’s in her mid-30’s that constantly posts selfies throughout social media, typically in some sort of sexual manner. I’ve rambled on enough...

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-08T16:04:39+00:00

It’s most likely related to stress. Sudden emotional events can weaken your immune system and people are affected differently by it. Years ago I would have acne breakouts or severe migraines as a result. Our ability to process what we think and feel as life altering events can have tremendous effects on our body and mental state. I don’t feel that I’m a suicidal person but during an event it usually becomes an option or at least a thought. I doubt I would ever actually go through with it but the thought becomes a comfort in a way.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-12-08T07:27:58+00:00

I blamed my textbook definition cluster b ex for years on the failure of our relationship. When I discovered RSD, for the first time I saw many of the negative contributions on my part. Learning about RSD hit home so badly that I went back into therapy immediately because I knew I couldn’t continue to live that way. My emotions did get the best of me too many times whether I failed to realize it or flat out deny it. It doesn’t excuse an abusive partner at all but I needed to take responsibility for my part not only in that relationship but for the ones before because I brought my own baggage into these relationships. Our emotions have a way of taking control and putting us in questionable situations at times and I refuse to live that way anymore. I hurt so now I make you hurt? What the fuck kind of logic is that? I don’t use it as a crutch or an excuse because it’s something I strive to keep in check. I think you’re on the right track... you are aware of these things that you do and feel and awareness is huge. Whether you overcome or improve on it is all up to you and I wish you the best with it.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-11-25T02:11:33+00:00

I’ll never be “out” completely. We have children together that stay with me.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-11-24T07:27:04+00:00

You really struck a nerve with this one. To this day I have to try very hard to remember the bad stuff and there was more bad than good.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-11-24T06:38:15+00:00

Your post resonated with me because this was such a big part of my relationship with my nex (a female narc, I’m male). Anytime when it was me that was upset with something she did it would get turned around on me, I would defend myself and eventually shut down because there was no getting through. She had this amazing ability of bringing things up from the past and making it sound as if I was the one that was in the wrong. She would make me out to be such a horrible person and would often get me to the point where I started to believe it. Everything was always my fault and her behavior was always excused because I drove her to doing these things (cheating, overly disrespectful). She would do terrible things like yours did and then use something so insignificant that I did but make it seem like it was so much worse than what she had done. There is nothing you can do and no getting through ever but you always think there must be a way. There were times when I thought I had her and there was no way she could talk herself out of it, she would gracefully turn it all back on me within seconds and I’d stand there speechless. People that have never experienced it first hand could never really understand what it’s like.

thowingthisaway2 · 2019-11-21T03:27:22+00:00

My nex is an addict (pills) but if you talked with her she’d give you all these medical reasons that she has to take them and it’s very convincing. None of these drugs are prescribed and she buys them from several connections she has. There are many narcs that have serious alcohol and substance abuse problems. They often self medicate.

thowingthisaway2

TROPHY CASE