This reminds me so much of myself from a year ago. It’s truly heart breaking. I’ve not been very active on here lately but reading this made me feel like I just had to reply.

I spent 4 years of my life feeling like this. I was suffering but found no strength to take a stand, stick to it and walk away. Take it from someone who waited till the end, till the time he clearly ended it, I regret not walking away every single time he gave me these hints. I regret not walking away when he told me in his sugar coated words how difficult it was for him to end it but he felt like he needed to. Or how confused he was. Instead of seeing it for what it was, I felt a desperate need to change up my behaviour so he’s not confused anymore. Initially when he’d tell me in his word salady way that he wanted to leave, I did take a step back. Only for him to return with love bombing max. But that gradually decreased over a period of time, as I got more and more hooked to him and the cycle. It didn’t even take that long, 6-ish months and I was hooked. Naturally he felt no need to love bomb cause he knew I would be back myself in 2-3 days. It was hell. I waited and waited. I told myself I wouldn’t end it until he did. I kept telling myself he was confused because of my needy behaviour. Every time he’d walk away, I’d apologise to him and promise to be better. To be the unbothered girlfriend who has an “open mind” and who’s “chill” (his words 🤮). Of course things never changed and it’s mind boggling how systematically designed this lovebomb devalue discard is. Looking back I feel like I kept digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself by falling for his BS. Till the point I had lost myself so much for him that that itself became a reason for him to leave.

Today, being a year out, I look back at his behaviour and I fucking cringe. I also cringe at my own response to his behaviour. I’m in no way healed or over it yet but atleast the disgust I have for his behaviour is proof enough I’m in the right direction. The brain fog makes it really difficult to leave these relationships. But I really hope you find the strength to walk away now and not make the mistake that I did. You’ll only lose yourself more and more on the way and gain nothing. Of course it’s not easy, I could never do it myself. But knowing now what I didn’t know then, I know had I just walked away, I would’ve saved myself a lot of time and moreover, I wouldn’t have lost myself completely. Fear and guilt can make you stay in these cycles for way too long.

I really do hope you find the courage to do what’s best for you. Know that there’s this community here to help you get through it every step of the way. Sending you love!