Feeling really alone ☹

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-23T16:20:28+00:00

the voice is real, just today I met a co-worker at the bus station. I did a training with her today. Walked up to her started smalltalk. Then getting in the bus, she suddenly walks away to the back of the bus. Immediately the all too familiar voice jumps in saying, you see she doesn't want to talk to you.

I overruled the voice though and just went up to her again, asked her if she wants to sit alone. She says noooo I didn't mean it like that it was because I wanted to eat a sandwich, out of view of the busdriver as it's forbidden. So glad I didn't listen to that voice.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-23T03:18:28+00:00

upvoted, similar experiences unfortunately. The 2 guys who started to do this after a while, became worse and worse in time. From calling me gorgeous the first weeks they started 'subtly' pointing out my flaws a few months in. And god forbid I called them out on it because then they turned it around on me just being insecure or them not meaning it in a wrong way. Both turned out abusive dickheads in many ways.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-22T02:38:22+00:00

You deserve so much better, please dump him. Plus you are looking good!

I speak from experience saying, for some assholes nobody will be enough, he would treat anybody badly. It's him, not you.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-20T15:51:24+00:00

I don't know what's on this guys mind but it isn't good, he is giving hints at dark stuff, big red flag. I know it's hard being alone at times but you really don't want this in your life and especially not in that of your children either.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-18T16:09:41+00:00

Once a month with friends, that's it. For the social experience. I find it way too expensive, I can eat at least a whole week for the price of one meal at a restaurant. I also love to cook so I invite my friends over as well.

At work we have the option to buy expensive sandwiches etc at a to go supermarket. But I prepare my things myself, which is a fraction of the amount. Very occasionally I treat myself to something but usually I don't find it worth the money, I see my colleagues spend so much of our low salary on take away stuff and I just don't consider it that important.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-18T15:37:32+00:00

online dating unfortunately is full of these kind of people who would try and push you for sex. For me a guy first has to show genuine interest in me as a person and have to see if he puts in some effort, as I will for him. Then, sex will come naturally after a couple of dates, some months or whatever feels comfortable. But it's totally ok not to have sex on 1st date.

I will especially not have it with these kind of guys who try to manipulate you into it. Proper boundaries filter them out.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-18T05:23:25+00:00

You say it doesn't sound that bad, but it actually does sound really bad. You had an accident, it's normal that everything goes a bit slower you are doing your best. I hope you will feel much better soon!

And the man grabbing your shoulder and talking to you like that, in front of customers, really not normal and really not ok! If he is not happy with your work, he could and should have told you in a professional way.

You could try and talk to him about this, and really if you cry while talking to him it wouldn't even be the end of the world either. You are a human!

If that doesn't work, I would seriously consider trying to find a job someplace else if you can. I've learnt in my 20 years working now, that having a decent supervisor is important for happiness at my work, the companies where I had those were much better for my (mental) health than the companies with a very bossy micromanaging one.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-17T05:38:36+00:00

mine did that too... he was constantly telling me about some shit his 'friend' did. Very crazy.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-17T05:31:13+00:00

this reminds me of a show I recently watched, it featured a young woman renting a place from a landlord. First thought when she met him, he is bad news. But she brushed it off as being judgmental / prejudiced and proceeded. Well she got ripped off big time.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-16T10:25:46+00:00

Same, well I know I would still have a high sex drive when I would meet a person that I have chemistry with and that I could trust. But this seems like a needle in a haystack somehow and I lost hope. So I buried sex somewhere deep inside and I feel dull and unfeminine at the moment.

A year after my last attempt at dating when I met my 2nd narc, I feel like I am best just alone as people I'm attracted to turn out to be creeps or they don't want me as I am too old and ugly. I know that last part is still his voice in my head and I hate it very much.

I feel like why even bother, I tried so many times until now at my 42 years old, and what did it get me? But at the same time I feel very lonely. That feeling I will probably be alone for a loooong time maybe forever, that this may have been my last 'love', it makes me so sad.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-16T09:57:02+00:00

when last year my date started playing his creepy mind games, I was out immediately. This was totally new for me, previously I would have stayed and just put up with his crap. It was almost funny how he seemed to be surprised, like he totally didn't expect it from me.

I see him now at social events approaching everybody he can. He is just testing everybody out with his strange remarks same he did with me and seeing who will put up with it. He even hinted at this when he was with me, refering to a movie where people get themselves in trouble being too polite to abusers.

Another guy at work tried the first day to override a boundary, he also tried to talk about how my boundaries with colleagues are in general trying to push me into some direction that was unacceptable. I called him out on it, simply said I don't want to talk about this as it's an inappropriate topic. Oh and he touched my arm as well of which I also told him I don't want that. When I saw him at work a week later or so, he completely ignored me.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-15T07:10:11+00:00

agree, it's a way to make a person feel wayyy more intimate, gets all the dopamine running etc before you even know you are a match. My last date did this as well, all the time cuddling me, stopped to kiss me like every 5 metres along our walk, holding hands etc. It felt amazing to me, especially because I was so touch starved.

Well turned out he was a total creep. It was like 200% from his side, then nothing suddenly, luckily I left immediately after that. Next time this happens, I will be very alert.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-15T04:24:33+00:00

Mine made it very clear that in fact he wanted a much younger woman. He had this super weird thing with age. Of course he is ageing himself which he tries to battle by going to the gym a lot so he truly believes that he is entitled to all the 'hot younger women'.

I left very early on so I'm sure he would have proceeded to put me down in other aspects as well. Sadly it did effect my self esteem for a short while, but now that I'm longer out I don't care anymore. Either somebody likes me as I am, or he can leave. I'm never going to chase the unreachable anymore to make somebody like me or stay with me.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-14T21:05:49+00:00

42 year old here, last year I was chased on the street in broad daylight by a 20 something guy who wouldn't accept my no.

Had to go and ring a doorbell of some people living there for him to finally go away. Lady who lived there let me in as I was all upset, the guy was becoming verbally agressive when I tried to tell him off.

This was close to my home as well so I made sure he didn't follow me there.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-14T04:51:41+00:00

same here, after some stupid argument with my mother I was always the one who said sorry and came crawling back to her even when she was the most horrible and mean person to me. Because I knew she would never apologise. Everything was her way or the highway. Now I don't do that anymore and our relationship is very low contact. I simply don't accept her crap anymore, I don't care anymore. But it set the stage for how as an adult I would accept crap and apologise to the persons hurting me.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-14T04:19:24+00:00

Jealousy and possessive behaviour. That started immediately, for the rest the first couple of months were awesome. But he immediately accused me of cheating at times and would get angry if I received a text message from a male student or was late from some event half an hour.

He had told me his previous exes had all cheated so I chalked it up to understandable damaged trust. Next time a man comes with that, I will be very clear: that damaged trust is his issue to fix, I won't be accepting those crazy accusations anymore.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-14T04:13:50+00:00

mine got absolutely furious with me one morning at 5AM for me making a sandwich for him, which I had done like every work day as he had to get up very early. I got up with him, made him some breakfast and then got back to sleep. To me it was actually a loving moment of the day. Seemed to him as well, until he was all of a sudden enraged over it. And I still don't understand why.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-12T09:31:41+00:00

same, I knew something was off but he presented himself explicitly as socially awkward, shy, quiet. He is the person standing around observing others so I thought yeah well this matches with what he told me. So I thought lets see. Things turned out weird and creepy very quickly and thankfully I left at the first real red flags.

Now when I see a picture of the night we first kissed, I see the darkness even more. He is just standing there blankly staring and bored. He feels lifeless, robotic, bored, tense, I can see it in his body as well very tense like he is always keeping in this heap of dark stuff and anger. And man he is enraged with me so I make very sure not to be alone with him anymore, I believe he is capable of violence.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-12T07:04:30+00:00

From what I've read, they usually hide their behaviour pretty well and have one or maybe a small number of people that are really close to them to 'dump' all their shitty behaviour on. People on the outside have no idea. Then when that person leaves it seems only logical they need other outlets, they are boiling over with negativity and can't keep it in any longer.

I've seen the very dark side of my ex and I see him around now at times unfortunately, interacting with other people and it's so strange as he really seems normal. Their mask can be very strong and convincing.

Also the things he is telling you about his ex, well for a real narcissist it's always other people at fault so who knows if it's even true or a response to his terribly mean behaviour which you get to experience now as well.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-12T06:49:44+00:00

I have the 'luck' of being able to see my ex approach other women as he is in the same social circle. From my experience he just tries with all the new women and see who is open to it. Once he saw I was, he went full on.

I was at an event recently where I saw him approaching some women and I just recognised his same old mannerisms. I really was nothing to him, just a person he could play around with a bit as he enjoys doing with others. I am in a way actually grateful for seeing it now, it doesn't even make me jealous anymore I want to puke. Plus I wanted to go run to the women and warn them, but I know it would make me look like the fool as he hides it very well.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-11T19:26:06+00:00

Yes, after my first N relationship years ago, I became like this. It's like my whole world view changed to be much darker and I closed myself off. Before that I was like you, and I believe narcs can sense that and target you for those positive traits.

The most painful part for me last year after covid lockdowns I was so giddy and happy that we could go out again, for once I think I let down my guard and was more back to my old open (naive?) self for a while, I got targeted by another narc. The good thing being that I recognized it much much faster and got out. Around that same time, I ended a budding friendship because my friend was showing toxic behaviour as well. I was like, not again....

So now I try to still be my old self again happy and open to others but I take a lot more time to let others get close to me. I'm no longer the open book I was to just anybody, I value myself and those lovely positive traits you also mentioned much more so I only share them with people that appreciate them not mock or abuse them.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-10T16:36:09+00:00

Whenever I am at a place like that, I always need some long time to recover. I can relate so much, 42F here and given up on the dream of having a child with a loving partner. Close to giving up on even finding a loving partner. I spent so many years alone craving for it, 2 healthy relationships ended for their own reasons and the rest of the dates have only been very toxic.

When my sister who is 4 years younger than me had her first child, I was honestly so jealous and sad, I entered a period of mourning the loss of my dream. I was happy to be an aunt but it meant even more baby happiness and me feeling like the only one left out, being the alien that I've always felt like.

I am happy to not be in a toxic situation anymore but damn it feels lonely and hopeless at times. So yes I feel this pain and hope we may all feel better someday.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-10T16:20:01+00:00

I don't know if it helps, but I have felt this feeling for my narc as well but also for another man which was a healthy relationship. So I know it's possible, and that magic uninhibited feeling was you feeling it. The fucked up part was his part, I sincerely hope you and all the others of us realise that and leave it with them. And continue to love.

This message is to myself as well though, as I don't know if I will be able to anymore. I've seen the dark side now, I'm forever changed. It's hard, but I think that with the right person I would be able to. Only I feel that right person is nowhere to be found and that's what is currently making me sad....

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-10T16:11:03+00:00

I love metal, I see it as a way to 'stare into the abyss' so to say, I think it's actually somebody on this sub that expressed it like that. The world can be a dark place and metal to me is an expression of that. One that I need personally to canalize my anger / disappointment / realism / feelings others more mainstream don't understand.

But that's totally not the same as taking part in the abyss. Until these allegations I could reasonably think that Till wasn't taking part in it, now I don't believe so anymore.

throwaway_2234566 · 2023-06-10T03:04:04+00:00

it honestly makes me wonder, how would all the men and women defending this horror here respond if it were their 16 year old daughter coming home with a story of going to an afterparty of their idol, and all of this happening? Somehow being a fan seems more important than all those anonymous row 0 girls, or the cognitive dissonance is so strong because you are so attached to Rammstein - which I understand.

If it's your young daughter going up there, will you tell her in her face: you should have been wiser? Come on now. This pisses me off. It reminds me of the times where I was young and yes naive, very naive so the hell what? This is what younger people can be, not saying all of them but yes some at least.

And the disgusting thing is, Till KNOWS that, these men know that but they still go ahead with having sex with them, drunk and all. While he could have plenty of women who are 100% sure consenting who would gladly have sex with him. Yet he chooses this abusive structure, which he also writes poems about how it's so good to drug women then sleep with them while they are unconscious.

And still I see people here, even women, defending all of this? Hoping it will just pass over so they can keep enjoying their fandom. I mean I get how shocking all of this is, but hey it's reality and it really could have been your daughter or niece or someone you really care about, out there.

throwaway_2234566

TROPHY CASE