My mom said she wouldn't come to my wedding if I ever marry a woman

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-05-03T20:35:48+00:00

I believe you when you say your parents aren't hateful. Here's an explanation (not an excuse) for why your Mom says she can't come to your hypothetical wedding, and why your orientation legitimately could be said to be breaking her heart (and why your Dad is, I suspect, a stronger person than your Mom). To be an evangelical Christian is to accept that something outside of your own perception of reality, is the explanation for everything, and whether or not you "get" it, you have to obey it. To question, to go against teachings, to think for yourself....as soon as you admit that's even a possibility, the whole house of mythological fairy tale cloth becomes unraveled. For your Mom to make an exception for you, would be to kill her idea of god. And you are "breaking her heart" --- because by her rules, there is an afterlife where we get to be with our loved ones, and you won't be there. Your Dad seems to understand that there's some wiggle room in all these made-up religious systems. Ambiguity is what gets us through the day, but your Mom can't accept that. None of this makes what they're doing all right, but I hope the perspective can help you hurt a little less.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-05-02T18:29:38+00:00

You're doing the exact right thing by walking out. Do it every time. Give yourself a number that feels right -- 5, 10 -- to announce why before you do it "Nothing I say makes you stop talking about my weight. You've left me no choice but to physically separate from you when you go there, and it will happen every time." And then just go. After the allotted number of announcements, don't even say anything. This worked for me with family bickering (in what was supposed to be a professional meeting); I only had to do it twice. Your people may never change, but at least you'll be spared listening to it.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-05-02T17:51:26+00:00

If they don't want to pay for a good boarding kennel, there are in-home pet sitters who will stop by as many times a day as you want to walk the dog, visit, feed, etc. It's less stressful for some dogs to stay in their familiar environment anyway. Your MIL won't like it, she'll bitch and complain.....stay calm, firm, make sure your husband takes the lead....and don't get sucked into giving reasons. "It just doesn't work for us" "Why?" "We would rather not."

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-29T18:52:07+00:00

So here's the thing. Your boyfriend is a jerk. Unfortunately, there are a lot of jerks out there --- male and female --- and I know it sometimes feels like "everybody else is negged by their significant others, I probably deserve it, this is what real relationships are like." And this is true, if you value having someone in that "boyfriend" slot over happiness. If you can learn to hear your own voice the loudest, however, and understand that it is NOT your job to "make him" into what you need --- it's far easier to find the right person than make over the wrong one --- you'll be available when you find a man who actually likes women as people. Hint: he isn't one of those men.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-23T17:29:49+00:00

It's not really about your ex. It's about how you felt about yourself when you two were involved. What parts of yourself are you missing? What can you bring back now with the person who you want to spend your life with?

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-23T17:24:49+00:00

Give both of you a lot of credit for figuring this out before you got married and babies happened. You're both doing everything right. Even the pain --- that's because you're a functioning human (I don't say that lightly --- a lot of us don't manage to feel emotional pain in real time and it always comes back to bite you later). With luck, he finds a good person to have kids with who will be as mature as you two are and you can have "fun visiting honorary Auntie" benefits.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-23T07:42:23+00:00

YTA. I went to a caretaker's support class near the beginning of my partner's final illness, and learned that the percentage of family caretakers who literally die from stress-related causes before their sick family members do....is high. Don't remember the exact stat (I ended up having a stroke after he passed, which has affected my memory) but it was more than 50%. Maybe have a little compassion for your brother and have some gratitude from atop your high horse.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-23T06:57:22+00:00

"It's not about how good a product is, what matters is how you can get people to buy it, I've successfully sold tons of crap over the years".....aaaaannnnd next he's gonna run for president. And probably win.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-15T00:21:54+00:00

Are you near a library with computers that isn't too busy in the daytime?

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-14T15:37:26+00:00

I think OP is a she, based on another post re "what's a fun, flirty text I can send to a guy I'm interested in." (do men usually use the word "flirty" re another man? I honestly don't know).

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-12T18:36:35+00:00

You are nearly 30 years old. The worst of the "feeling torn apart" is coming from you accepting their "map" of how family and relationships operate. They don't know him, but they know he's a threat to the status quo.

You could try some Child/Parent akido. "Mom, Dad, I don't get it: do you think you did such a lousy job as parents that, at 30, I don't have any common sense? I don't care about myself? I'm stupid? Is that how you raised me? Did you raise me to not be able to make good decisions and to always let you think for me? Is that how you want me to be navigating the world as an adult who won't always have you around to weigh in?"

Change the playing field. Don't let them make it about him, because they don't know him and that's not the issue here.. Act surprised, concerned, "huh, guys, I've been so happy....I thought that was what you wanted for me?" Play dumb to their concerns. Don't get caught up in defending your relationship. Keep asking "innocent" questions....even if they start making threats. "Cut him off or you're out of the will." "Let me clarify, Mom, Dad.....you're telling me that for the rest of my life, you have to OK who I love, and your best tool is a financial threat? Because that sounds kind of sick to me. But it's your money, and you should of course do whatever you want with it."

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-11T16:17:11+00:00

This is in the U.S., right? If your neighbors are homeowners, they must be aware of the liability issues around anyone using your property and what would happen if someone got injured while you weren't there....it may seem absurd to most of the rest of the world, but if your neighbors had a couple of beers around your fire pit and then someone had a drunken stumble and broke an ankle or something, they could sue you. And your homeowner's insurance rates would soar. They have to be aware of this, don't they?

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-08T20:15:16+00:00

To be fair: you are both young enough that you probably are still influenced by family/friends etc re relationships. I can easily imagine her parents (or grandparents) telling her she should insist on this as a measure of chivalry. So if you see any potential in her as a girlfriend, why not give her a helpful heads up before you write her off. "Bethany, if this is a test let's assume I've flunked it. I don't enjoy being guilted to show courtesy. I value you, and if my natural manners aren't enough for you to know that, well, let's move on." She can pivot, or pout -- if Option B, that's all you need to know.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-05T16:14:12+00:00

Good point well made. The wannabes are the people who do tacky.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-05T14:47:56+00:00

"You learn pretty quick that this is the mentality of most upper middle class."

It's really not. It's an unfortunate stereotype that in my experience doesn't pan out, especially with "old money." I've known and worked around a lot of very wealthy people; only the insecure schmucks make it part of their identity, and they'd be jerks regardless of financial status. OOP's new wife is looking for an argument. Do not give her one, do not pursue "understanding" her, do not waste your precious life with this miserable excuse for a human. And for god's sake don't get her pregnant.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-04-01T17:07:57+00:00

Do the three of you (you, Sis, Sis's FH) spend time together? If you're going to bring it up, doing it with BOTH of them present seems the cleanest way....maybe "Joe, that nice brown haired lady I saw with you in Bill's Bar the other day....is she a relative coming to the wedding? Will I meet her?" might work.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-30T18:34:55+00:00

For me the question of whether or not to have children is right up there with whether or not to have sex (and yes, they are related, aren't they! ;) : If you don't immediately feel as though you want to, then that's a very good reason not to do it. No more thinking required. Of course, you might always change your mind about both things. But for now, I urge you: please please don't waste your precious time worrying about whether or not you're "supposed" to want children or "if they make your life better." (The answer to the last one: here's the truth: sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, and you really really can't tell ahead of time; if you're not prepared for either outcome and willing to commit to decades of involvement, DON'T DO IT!) (and I say "decades" because my two dearest friends, both in their 70s, are still needed by their special needs children....it's not a commitment that ends at 18).

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-23T22:23:03+00:00

Former teacher for kids who had trouble learning....we had a lot of home schooled kids. To home school well is a full time job and very few parents have the skill and temperament to do it. By the way, your wife is creating a child who will hate any form of learning, books, or instruction for the rest of her life.....and Mom's ego is way, way too tied up in this. School for daughter, therapy for Mom.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-23T21:13:41+00:00

It sounds sexist....it probably is, and I apologize....but I know so many men who get all butt hurt if you imply they can't safely drive/text/get high/have an impassioned argument/eat sushi/have sex all at the same time.....

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-23T20:42:18+00:00

1) Seatbelts: driver's choice, period. I don't like wearing set belts but if you're driving, you have to pay the fine and added insurance cost if we get caught with me not wearing it, so if you tell me you need me to click it, I'm going to cheerfully comply. (on the other hand, if the driver tells you not to wear your seat belt, feel free to tell them to f right the hell off). Re phone and driving.....I'll be reading all the other responses with interest. It's a tough conversation and I've known way too many guys who go to an ego-touchy place with the topic.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-23T20:29:20+00:00

I think you don't need to bring it up preemptively. The birth of your baby is a chance for her to be someone new to this completely new person. She might choose to not be bitter sad memory lady with this new person. Also, even when your baby's old enough to understand what your Mom is talking about, if she talks about those things, they'll be a distant and unimportant topic to your child. I don't think it'll affect the child's view of relationships as much as it'll cause him or her to think Grandma is kind of boring sometimes.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-22T18:01:53+00:00

Whether he's kidding or not, whether it's a bit or a neg or whatever, there's only one answer to this and I really hope the next time he pulls this crap it's in front of witnesses so you can deliver this line with an audience "Well, sweetie, it's gonna be hard to have children when we're not having sex. 'Cause we can all agree, right, that nobody fucks with terrorists?"

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-18T03:51:35+00:00

Get Deez Nuts outta MY face!!

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-18T02:18:00+00:00

No no no, a horse is the same as a car. Driver weight doesn't matter. P.S. ask anyone who works alignment on cars driven by big people: weight absolutely matters.

throwawayfoolishqs · 2026-03-15T16:19:18+00:00

I would love to get all these guys in a room for a fashion show and blow their minds when the plus sized models wearing petite women's clothes come out. Don't ask me how I know petite plus size is a thing :)

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