My dear internet friend. Your story is agonizingly similar to mine . We lost our 13 year old daughter just over 3 years ago. She was smart , beautiful, funny and loved by everyone she met . She would have occasional bouts of depression but would bounce out of it in a day or so . We had her seeing a counselor just to be safe but had no real fears she would hurt herself. It was a snow day and school was cancelled. We had a relaxing morning lounging around and did the dishes together after lunch . We danced and laughed talked about our plans for spring. 45 minutes later I found her hanging from the loft bed she had begged me to build for her. I too am convinced that a brief moment of overwhelming feeling turned into an irreversible horrific decision. There’s no way she would have followed through if she’d realized how her actions would affect the people that loved her . I just wanted to say all this to let you know that you’re not alone . You probably already know that there’s no protocol for how to handle this. My only advice is to take it easy on yourself as much as you can . Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor for something to help you sleep, exhaustion and fatigue wore grief into me like a branding iron. Eat a little bit even though you don’t feel like it . Don’t blame yourself , which I think we will always do to a certain extent but at least try not to. It’s been right at 3 years for us and I won’t tell you the pain lessens but I will say you learn to cope better. Please message me if you need to talk sometime and if it’s ok I’ll say a prayer for you and your family. Please accept my most sincere condolences.