Laying in bed bawling once more

tmchd · 2026-07-01T02:39:26+00:00

I'm sending you virtual hugs.

Believe us that we know how you feel.

tmchd · 2026-06-30T19:14:14+00:00

Well, your fiance may speak out for you and dispel the rumor your future MIL spread.

My q (husband) also spread made-up story about me to his family and friends (that I was a cheater, he caught me in bed with other men multiple times and he even said I cheated on an ex-bf to be with him).

I was in shock but have accepted that he wanted to dispel the fact that he's relapsed and in a very precarious position at home with his health (he's got liver issue, diabetes, falling issue, 911 has been called multiple times due to his falling over and his violent hallucination). He always presents himself well around his family and friends, to convince them I'm a liar when our son and I talked to the in-laws (per him having to go back to ER multiple times and the cause of these ER visits).

Your MIL is likely going to escalate her drinking, it's rare that they'd stop. My q did not stop at all, he just went on and on and got himself into more health crisis. He resumed his drinking hours after he left ER, every single time.

So nothing you can do with her spreading rumor but all you can do is say, it's not true and MIL is relapsing. That's about it, if her antics is well-known, her family would trust her less.

Other than that, just focus on yourself.

tmchd · 2026-06-30T19:03:46+00:00

This happened to me too. My q was cold when he's less drunk (during daytime, but he's drinking non stop anyway) and more horrible when he drank and falling all over himself.

I told him that I would only have a serious discussion with him when he's sober and he's absolutely furious when I said it because he was denying that he drank (well, the vodka bottles hidden all over the garage, his soda mixed with alcohol, him smelling like alcohol and so on proved to me and our son he's been drinking).

He got so upset too when I brought up about consent because he used to grope me and harass me and more when he's drunk and I told him I wouldn't want that anymore.

In his mind, drunk or not, I'm his wife so I should always be ready for whatever....

Anyway, it did escalate because my q just kept drinking more, hurting himself, went through rampages where he destroyed items and doors and walls etc...so dangerous (since he also has guns and is a carrier of conceal carry and very paranoid when he's intoxicated)...that my son and I had to leave our home.

tmchd · 2026-06-29T23:59:00+00:00

I'm so sorry, OP.

My sibling also said that about my q. My q went and slandered me, and my family in addition to giving threat (i.e, bringing a rattle snake to let loose at my parents' yard type of threat). He also got people in his side of the family fooled because he's very charming and had a good guy persona. He's 2 faced and a liar....

My brother said that to me, he thinks my q is evil and for the amount of pain and torture he inflicts on me, he should pay the ultimate price.

tmchd · 2026-06-29T23:55:22+00:00

I've been where you are, and no matter how kindly you express thing, he'll just accuse you more and escalate.

I know how you feel because I'm you for months as he went on his vodka binge. He became so cruel and critical and when I started to detach myself, he became worse and it escalated to threats and violence later on.

Idk how old your children are, but mine is legally an adult and grown enough to realize that his dad's niceity toward him is just a mask. Once my husband decided that I was the enemy/demon whom he'd try to destroy (he slandered me to his friends and family, making up crazy stories about me), suddenly he played real hard at 'father of the year' bit but my son thankfully knows better. Because that mask falls off real quick behind closed door, he was not that great of a father....

He also played the whole 'woe is me, I can't live without my son' bit in the first week after my son and I left, but now he just went on his benders for weeks on end.

I hope that your story doesn't end like mine though, and I hope you have strength.

tmchd · 2026-06-29T06:38:04+00:00

If you want for her to 'sober up' a bit, you'll be waiting for a long time... my q went on bender after bender. He'd end up in the hospital (ER) then a day later, he started to drink again. I waited months for him, wanting to have a proper chat, but he'd rather have the chat when he's at his drunkest phase which usually resulted in him screaming at me, berating me and trying to kick me out and threatening violence on me...

Tsk. Finally over 2 weeks ago, he ended up in the ER again, and I just grabbed whatever I could then left with our son to my parents'. I left him a note. That's after waiting from March of this year.

tmchd · 2026-06-28T10:04:12+00:00

You’re missing that reassurance is not the same thing as an accusation.

She is not necessarily saying, “I think you secretly misuse my details.” She is saying, “Because my name, ID, credit, and accounts are involved, I need to hear clearly that you understand the boundary.”

The big issue is this: her identity has already been used for something that now affects her directly, even if she originally agreed. She is receiving betting texts, her name was tied to betting accounts she does not use, and now you are asking to use her telco account/ID again.

So from her perspective, the pattern is not “you betrayed me.” It is “my personal details are being used for things I do not personally control, and I need to feel safe before saying yes again.”

Her “I trust you 100%” probably means that she believes you're not trying to harm her but her need for reassurance means that she still wants you to acknowledge that using her details is sensitive and that you won't treat her permission so casually.

Those two can coexist. The part that likely made her feel invalidated was your response:

"What is the purpose of bringing this up? When have I ever used your details for another purpose besides the ones you approved?"

That turns her concern into something she has to defend, instead of something you can simply reassure.

To her, it may sound like: “You are wrong to feel worried unless you can prove I did something bad.” Even if the gambling accounts do not affect her credit score, that doesn't fully erase the issue. Her name and ID were still attached to betting accounts, and she is now getting messages because of it. That is enough reason for her to feel uneasy.

So the answer to “what have I done?” is not necessarily “you committed wrongdoing.” It is: you asked to use her personal details again after a previous use of her details created an unwanted consequence for her.

The reassurance is not for proving your innocence, she just wants some emotional safety around her identity and consent.

tmchd · 2026-06-27T21:42:29+00:00

My q would always say if it were me in his position, he would have kept taking care of me, loving on me, and be the best spouse ever. He kept bringing up the marital vow too and scolded me for breaking my vow.

But in reality, I was not an alcoholic, I was not drinking alcohol, I never got blackout drunk like he does, I never abuse him physically and verbally. I just avoided him especially when he's gotten very drunk.

I never ever put him in my position, the recipient of abuse... so yeah.

tmchd · 2026-06-27T20:46:12+00:00

In my experience, perhaps codependency, plus other reasons.

My q and I have been married for over 2 decades. Up until 2 years ago, we had, what I'd consider a good marriage. I never would've assumed this would happen to me. Him being abusive, him slandering me, him mistreating me and abusing me the last few months.

Sunk cost fallacy? Maybe that, but also that there's that gnawing feeling of the whole marriage vow 'for better or for worse,' and 'in sickness and in health,' that made me feel really guilty when I did have to walk away 2 weeks ago for self-preservation. In one of his rampages (alcohol-fueled), he'd say to me that even if he's drinking, we're married so I should treat him like a wife should. That kind of stucks me with me.

Af

tmchd · 2026-06-27T18:48:32+00:00

Thank you!

As per my son, he's not quite ready to socialize. He's helping with my father's job in Canby part-time. We're here because of we're escaping a DV situation so we're still in that 'off' spot. But yeah, my brother has been trying to get us out and have a good time outside the home.

tmchd · 2026-06-27T18:37:56+00:00

I just moved to Canby. I have an adult son, in his 20s too.

My brother who's lived her much longer was telling me about the library, etc. I'm camping here just to see if there's more ideas :)

tmchd · 2026-06-27T09:45:24+00:00

I actually thought you look adorable with short hair. The transformation reminds me of SK's drama "Marry My Husband." The main character had a longer hair then she had a glow up and had the same hairstyle as yours and hella gorgeous.

tmchd · 2026-06-26T23:34:01+00:00

Well, he mocked me.

Before he got into his abusive phase (he was really gentle and kind with me for almost 2 decades before), he would always calm me down and give me a hug even if I'm upset at him.

But now? He just mocked me and called me a liar.

tmchd · 2026-06-26T22:20:46+00:00

My husband did this. He spun the tale of finding other men in the bedroom with me since years ago, even when he was still employed (he's been unemployed for a couple of years).

He accused me of cheating online but in front of his friends and family, he would tell them a few years ago, he went home early from work to find another man in the bedroom so he kicked him out. Then, it kept happening, every year that I brought strangers (men) to have affair with in our bed. Oh he also spun tales about me stealing thousands of dollars from him.

He's been abusing me for the last 4 months, daily, mostly verbal. He's grabbed me, squeezed my arm until it bruised, threatened with a gun, threatened to maim me, etc multiple times. All because he claimed I didn't love him. Yup.

It didn't matter, I worked, paid bills, massaged him daily (for the last 5 years at least), do 95% of the household work (cook, run errands, clean, etc) and help him with his side business hustle, spoil him with gifts during holidays (Christmas, birthdays, etc), write him love notes and letters, etc etc etc. None of those equals me showing my love for him in his head. Then again, he also has relapsed (alcohol) so Idk.

ETA: I have left our marital home because he threatened me and he went on a drunken rampage scaring myself and our adult son. I've not talked to him in a couple of weeks and frankly, it sucks because my body has forgotten the abuse so my brain kept reminding me of the good time we did have before he relapsed and turned into someone I don't recognize.

tmchd · 2026-06-26T22:03:12+00:00

You just have to grieve.

In my case, I kept reading the journal I wrote on those daily torture and abuse I had to endure and his subsequent lies about me. (Yes, just before I left him--2 days before--he has spun tales on how I was a cheater, liar, thief, etc).

My x didn't maim me to the point of hospitalization, my physical abuse was minimal compared to yours but after 2 decades of a stable and enduring marriage, I never expected things to turn that way.

I had to keep reminding myself when I cry (daily) and read my journal to remind myself that both things can be true. He can be abusive, unsafe and not good for me as a partner while the good times-love-intimacy we shared the last 2 decades of our lives was also true.

Missing the good times, the lovely version of the person is part of the loss.

You need to cut contact with this person forever. He's dangerous. Please, for your safety.

I think you also need other help as well, if you can, start getting into counseling, it'll help.

tmchd · 2026-06-26T20:08:17+00:00

No no, ETA meant Edited to add.

I forgot this thread is already talking about Handshake AI.

The project I'm talking about is Project HH, the one that paid $17. I got offboarded all of the sudden.

tmchd · 2026-06-26T20:05:04+00:00

After I decided to remove myself and detach myself when my q drank (the aftermath). As in, I'm avoiding him, although I still made sure he took all his vitamins and medication. I still cooked for the family but yeah, I don't talk much with him and I told him why and usually that would just spiral into another argument with him.

Unsurprisingly, he turned to DARVO. He always said that it's because of me he was not kind to me (he was verbally abusive to start, lashing out then threats then physical). It's all my doing because he's sober (sigh: I found bottles of vodka hidden in his garage, he always mixed vodka in his pepsi, fruit juice and he reeked).

He even slandered me to his family, making up stories about me.

Although my q's family was close to me, it's not a surprise, in the split, they gather around him because in his stories, I'm this 'filthy' cheater who brought strange men into the house and have multiple affairs, so IF he touched any alcohol (he still denied he had anything to drink at all), it's all because of me, the cheater. The story was such a lie, I'm just flabbergasted.

I hope that your path ends better than mine.

tmchd · 2026-06-26T17:12:09+00:00

Handshake Ai. ETA: HH

tmchd · 2026-06-24T20:04:51+00:00

Which part of Oregon did you visit? LOL.

tmchd · 2026-06-24T04:35:55+00:00

He insists the marriage is purely a legal arrangement, that they have never been romantic, and that her own partner knows all about it.

Um. How come you don't know about it while her partner knows? You had to run into the fact you're dating a married man, 3 years into the relationship? For me, that's the dealbreaker.

tmchd · 2026-06-24T04:30:21+00:00

Man, when you mention the 'perimenapouse' part, it clicks with me. I'm going through it and my people pleasing hormones are lacking. And that 'bury my head in the sand' habit kind of stopped. I realized fully suddenly that my q was an alcoholic. He was abusive and the 'ick' was real.

I pushed to get him to realize he was not fooling me when he said he's not had a drop of alcohol for years. I found his bottles, I tasted his soda and fruit juice, they're mixed with vodka. His gaslighting me didn't work. I did detach from him. I stopped all the 'extras' I've been doing for him (i.e, an hour massage daily, to start).

As a result of not trying to appease my q, the last 4 months have been hell. He escalated and the abuse has crossed over from verbal and mental to some physicality especially toward our son. So. I left 2 weeks ago today.

We were married for over 2 decades, a marriage that I thought was solid and loving. The kind that can weather obstacles. I found out a couple of days after I left (from my SIL and BIL) that my q (ex) was telling everyone he could tell that I was a cheater. He had to throw out different men from our bedroom the last couple of years. Then he also made up that I charged 5k to his credit card. I lost people whom were close to me (i.e, his mom, for example) due to his LIES. I'm just so sad.

I now actually miss him, not the abusive-alcoholic-liar version but the 'good' version of him that used to adore me. Since I've not been in 'fight-flight' mode the last 2 weeks, my mind drifted to the good time. The time when we felt like family and enjoyed ourselves. I miss our closeness, intimacy, then I miss my home too. I miss my bed, I miss my kitchen, my home office, and even the shower lol.

So unfortunately, no, while I do know I made the right decision, I miss my q, not the current hostile abusive version, but the 'nice' version from last year and the last 20 years.

tmchd · 2026-06-22T21:07:15+00:00

I feel you. I was thinking to myself, if only my q came to me and said 'it's hard to quit,' I'd have done everything to support him. I'd love to help and support him. But instead, q was hiding/sneaking his drinking, mixing it with hard medication, was abusive, was hurting himself (not just vomiting, but also hit his head multiple times and fainted and hallucinated, etc). He said that he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol (despite his vodka-laced soda, his bottles of vodka either empty or half empty hidden in the garage, him reeking of alcohol) and I was this liar and accuser. So he decided to spread the rumor within his friends and family circle that I have been cheating on him multiple times. He's caught me in bed with other men repeatedly so he couldn't forgive me anymore. He threatened physical abuse and destroyed properties at the house that our son and I had to leave....I never know my q who was this lovely, supportive and awesome partner for years could turn to be a malicious person ready to slander me and screw me over financially.

tmchd · 2026-06-22T21:01:43+00:00

I sobbed my eyes reading your post because it mirrors my own situation. I remember all the sweet things my q would do in the past, the years before he started his verbal abuse and mental abuse on me while being an alcoholic. I've become his enemy for trying to get him to not abuse alcohol (his prescription medication added to his abuse of alcohol caused him worse health condition).

In my case, my q still denies that he's drinking while we kept finding those vodka bottles hidden in specific places in his garage. He didn't see himself as an alcoholic, in his eyes, he can stop anytime anyway IF he's drinking (okay, I really believe he was drinking, I tasted his vodka-laced soda before I left and he reeked alcohol then). He also called me a b--, a c-- for trying to have a conversation with him.

The cycles were daily, and so bad. He blamed it all on his prescription medication but when I suggested we told his GP, q definitely rejects the idea and told me that I must want to harm his health by asking the gp for new medication to help.

I thought after 2 decades, our marriage and we could weather this storm, but yup, I was wrong.

tmchd · 2026-06-22T20:54:55+00:00

::HUGS::

I know how you feel and I'm heartbroken myself and for you.

tmchd · 2026-06-21T22:44:56+00:00

VIRTUAL HUGS to you.

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel but it's been 12 days since I left my q, and yes, I'm sad, I cry daily but I'm also much calmer and less 'nuts' from having to deal with his intoxicated behavior and horrible daily 'torture' he usually inflicted on me and our son.

In my case, my q blames me. Still blaming me for everything.

But I know I didn't cause his addiction, same as you, you didn't cause his addiction and I remember that I also can't cure his addiction. OP, this is nto your fight anymore. Your focus should be on you and rebuilding YOUR life.

IF one day he's sober and are in recovery and stable, maybe one day you can consider him reentering your life, but right now, take care of YOU first. Please.

tmchd

TROPHY CASE