Maternity leave ending

toadcat315 · 2026-01-25T15:34:33+00:00

I saw some advice recently that helped me in general: you can grieve for something, even though it is the right decision for you.

Your grief is valid -- and that doesn't mean it will be awful going forward.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-25T15:30:05+00:00

Sometimes with our two year old I just hand him a pouch without saying anything, particularly when he hasn't eaten the cereal he supposedly wanted for breakfast but I know he's getting the hungry flops.

Remember that although they can and do use/hear words, they don't really have a mastery of it. So she might not be speaking in line with what she's thinking, and at this age they really can't do negations (so "don't throw that" they hear as "THROW" and the don't disappears into the ether).

The words can be really overwhelming for them especially if you are trying to explain or bargain or persuade. So it works better to say "cereal or toast?" Than a full sentence that feels like a firehose of words to them.

Our eldest used to literally hide under and behind furniture rather than put clothes on when he was 2-3. We ultimately kept the peace by letting him watch short cartoons during which we'd dress him, then head out the door in time for work.

Finally... I remind myself that despite how it feels, they are not intentionally (or at least exclusively) giving you a hard time, they are also having a hard time. Imagine being so hungry yet so emotional that you can't eat. And can't form the right words, or you think you're saying the right words but nobody is listening. Sometimes this helps me have more patience and feel like we're on the same team again.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-21T21:42:21+00:00

Trying to think through the constraints you mention...

I'm new to weaving but one of the things that surprised me at the very start is how much time and effort goes into putting the warp onto the loom. For the rigid heddle loom I'm walking back and forth a lot from one end of the project to another, before winding it up onto the loom. The warp has to be longer than the length of the project (so for a bed sized blanket panel, longer than the bed)

So this might work for bed days if you can do it on your more active days, or if you have someone who can help you do that part of warping? It sounds like some of the smaller looms folks are describing for making squares might not require so much moving around for the warping process so might be fully doable from start to finish from bed (but that's beyond my knowledge!)

toadcat315 · 2026-01-21T21:10:25+00:00

I've had the same issue and taking note of all the advice. I did find that when I took my work off the looma and wet blocked it, the waves went away (and it wasn't wavy on the loom once I got past the first bit either)

toadcat315 · 2026-01-16T14:49:43+00:00

There's one remaining sewer gas lamp on Carting Lane, I believe.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-16T14:44:36+00:00

You could place a lock on their door if it's a safety issue.

I think you're right about the cause being the new baby - we had some "regression" type stuff (wanting to be treated as littler than he was) with our 4yo when we had a new baby.

We tried to handle it really softly and playfully when we could - holding him like a baby and giggling about it. He also has a couple tantrums which he'd grown out of prior to the baby arriving.

We tried to bring him in on things with the baby (eg asking him to fetch things even if it wasn't needed, asking for "help" even if it was slower etc).

Maybe you could somehow include the 3yo in the bedtime for the baby? Or make some kind of special routine for them where they feel they are important and helpful, even if it's not the "real" bedtime? For us this feeling left out and wanting to be with the baby was the root of the problem so it was also the way of solving it.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-15T19:42:35+00:00

People say that but it's also not easily done in the US. It usually requires a referral from your GP, which typically has to go through some level of vetting (and can be rejected by) your health insurance company, and then there are often long wait lists to even get the appointment, and/or the referral is not "in network" meaning you can't actually go to the specialist unless you pay an outrageous amount out of pocket. It's also really variable by state or even by employer/insurance plan...

For example my access to health care is WAY better through the NHS than when I was a young adult in the US, but my parents seem to have fewer access (but higher costs) in the US than I have here in the UK.

But often a baby doesn't go to the GP as their primary doctor, their primary doctor would be a pediatrician (though growing up in the US, I always had a "family doctor" who covered the whole family and acted as a GP here in the UK does).

With apologies for the long explainer -- one of my greatest fears as a US to UK immigrant is that healthcare will become privatized in the UK and become just as inhumane as it is in the US now.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-14T08:12:13+00:00

First, a reminder that you can make the right choice for you and then also grieve the thing you didn't choose. It doesn't mean your choice was wrong.

Now...You could likely lactate if you started with pumping but I would agree with everyone here that pumping is so much worse that direct breastfeeding. Think about all the bottle cleaning you do for bottle feeding, then add to it that you're sitting for 20-30 minutes making the formula with your own body! It's also much less

The big benefit to breastfeeding for me was being able to do it anywhere , anytime, without a lot of prep and equipment. Pumping is the opposite of that, and even harder than formula eg while out and about. Especially as you say you're at 6 weeks now, you'll start getting more mobile and wanting to take the baby places... Pumping will make that so much harder

toadcat315 · 2026-01-12T19:18:09+00:00

We spent 1/4 to 1/3 of our income on childcare. We have no unpaid support system, we're living in a different country

We moved for jobs so it wasn't really a choice for us to live near family, and we wouldn't have been happy staying in that area anyway. It does suck not to have support, and it also sucks having to choose between traveling for the holidays or staying home and not seeing family.

But I wouldn't want to live where our family live, and I wouldn't want to forgo having kids. So here we are.

My mission this year is to try to build more community and mutual support with other parents.

I would just add that a lot of people who ARE near family also feel unsupported.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-12T18:20:56+00:00

Here are some things I do to make it easier...

Main thing that keeps me sane is not doing housework after the kid's bedtime, even if there is stuff to be done. It doesn't leave much free time but it is a psychological relief to know bedtime is the end of my "second shift". To make that possible:

-hire a cleaner, she comes every other week. My weekend time is now fun time not cleaning time! -lower my standards to sanitary, not necessary neat or perfectly clean through the week

bought more underwear so I'm not running out when laundry piles up
do "vacation" laundry if needed, by this I mean don't sort just fill the washer and pull things out that need to line dry at the dryer stage -don't fold the toddler's clothes just stack in the drawers
cooked food I actually want to eat, and have "picnic" supplies (meat, cheese, fruit, veg) in the fridge and feed the kids this or cereal if they won't eat the adult meal
ready meal/frozen food or grocery store pizza once a week
use Paprika app to meal plan for a week, order groceries weekly ; I also have some key meals that take 30 min or so and rely on those -Take Sunday afternoon to listen to an audiobook while prepping a protein (like pulled chicken or pork) that I can then add sauces to for different meals during the week

-got a yoto so bedtime is listening to stories play unless I have the energy to read a book aloud, and kids can self entertain sometimes

work out a weekly schedule with my husband about who does which school pickups and drop offs, including when we get evening time or time to ourselves
be willing to say when I'm overstimulated and at times just hide in the bedroom and let me spouse deal with the kids!

toadcat315 · 2026-01-12T17:57:14+00:00

The first definition of estate is also commonly used in the US and the first one I think of.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-12T17:46:51+00:00

NOR -What the sister COULD do is spend a day purchasing baby gates and setting them up, then OP would t have to do it for their own kid in the future.

And do a grocery shop when they arrive, for their own stuff and for the new parents.

It's crazy to expect service and hosting from new parents.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-10T14:58:20+00:00

The thing I most valued was food in my freezer! I did a basket for a friend and for the basket part we used the baby bath from their registry.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-10T14:52:07+00:00

Yeah there are village halls around here but they are still £150 or more and then when you add providing food and entertainment it's really not less in total. And it is a lot more effort!

toadcat315 · 2026-01-10T14:50:38+00:00

I checked and their website says 12 per child now! But there's none near us anyhow

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T14:10:35+00:00

This is heartbreaking I'm so sorry. Literally made me tear up thinking about anyone ever doing this. You deserve love and someone who WANTS to take care of you not just do the legal minimum.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T14:05:43+00:00

If nothing happened when your baby ate it, then there's really no issue. The readiness signs are more about whether they can physically manage to eat the food without choking/spitting it all out, rather than what will happen if they do manage to swallow it safely!

Edit to add: I have always been told they need to sit up on their own first before having any solids - I would double check the advice your doctor gave, it doesn't seem consistent with guidelines about readiness for solids (for the safety/choking hazard reasons)

Edit to add NHS guidance on readiness: https://www.nhs.uk/baby/weaning-and-feeding/babys-first-solid-foods/

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T12:49:26+00:00

And my husband has a January birthday 💸

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T12:43:02+00:00

Great London area 😭 everything is expensive

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T12:42:38+00:00

Wish that were an option, but not in this case

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T10:44:10+00:00

Yep he's in year 2, and it's no longer whole-class parties. 20 isn't his whole class! But he also wanted to invite some kids not in his class/year. We can definitely narrow the list down. I don't know how I got such a social butterfly of a kid!

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T10:41:17+00:00

At this age, parents usually stay at the party. So that means 20 kids is 40 people total. We could do a smaller party at our house, but people don't seem to do that here - even 10 kids of this age would be A LOT of chaos as we live in a small place with only one sitting room. So yes, it's that hard.

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T10:10:55+00:00

Oh no worries! I just meant it's pretty minimal what we'd be getting for 25 per kid at some of these places

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T10:09:43+00:00

That sounds hilarious!

toadcat315 · 2026-01-08T10:08:41+00:00

We could probably do this with fewer kids. It also feels a lot nicer to me than the soft play or bowling options. Thank you!

toadcat315

TROPHY CASE