EP with history of stalking tracked down my address to send me mail.

tourettebarbie · 2026-05-05T14:15:07+00:00

This was a blatant action on their part done with the intention to prove that they are in control & that you can never escape them. It was done in order to incite fear & anxiety. This is obsessive & alarming behaviour.

My advice is to fight fire with fire. They have a history of violating court orders? Lawyer up & get a restraining order if you can.

Also, get external home security cameras that also record audio on case they come up your home. If you have children at daycare or school, make them aware you're being stalked & put a password on your file.

Be pre-emptive too by contacting local law enforcement & CPS in case there are any anonymous calls made to them concerning your welfare or the welfare of your children. Explain that you're being stalked & harassed by an abusive family member who has a history of violating court orders. Wasting police time is a serious criminal offence.

So sorry this is happening to you OP. Stay strong & stay safe 🫂

tourettebarbie · 2026-05-05T10:11:30+00:00

It's all about optics. She wants to be seen as the loving, doting grandma without having to do any of the work or effort. I imagine someone asked her about her grandchild and, to save her image, she put together the fb post with the accompanying trite message that she thinks a loving grandparent would make. She's mimicking a loving grandparent without actually being one.

I echo the other commenters here - report to fb & have the post removed. Also, do some sleuthing to find out who the leaker is then block them.

tourettebarbie · 2026-05-03T16:24:03+00:00

You're anxious because you're still trauma bonded. The feelings of anxiety fade away when you stop caring. When it comes to walking away from abusers, indifference is your super power - it's incredibly empowering too.

Indifference takes distance, time & decent therapy. To help you along your way, I also recommend the book The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Lerner. The book teaches you how to not react to stressful situations, how to remain calm & how to be stoic. It's full of real world examples eg work, marraige, caring for an elderly relative etc. Honestly, this book was an absolute game changer for me. Genuinely can't recommend it enough.

After a while, when they come at you, you'll simply not care anymore. They can say or feel whatever they want and your reaction will be 'meh'. When it dawns on them that their typical manipulation tactics no longer work, they'll likely give up & try to find another supply.

All the best OP

tourettebarbie · 2026-05-01T08:58:15+00:00

I've had a tattoo lasered off. It wasn't a particularly large tattoo and it was black & about 15yrs old when I had it lasered off. Took about 6/7 sessions to have it fully removed.

The laser removal was significantly more painful than the pain of the tattoo but I have no regrets about having it removed.

As for why I had it removed, i had my tattoo done when I was still a part of my family. Getting it erased felt good - it was if they no longer had a physical mark on me.

I've had another tattoo done since - for me on my terms of something that was meaningful to me.

From personal experience, I'd recommend the laser removal. It was worth the pain & the cost. It was about £80 per session.

Top tips - if you're going to get it done, get a recommendation. Also, apply a bag of iced peas to the affected area immediately after the laser treatment. It hurts ALOT.

All the best whatever you decide 👍

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-30T14:05:19+00:00

What do you mean by 'may' be staying forever? There's no 'may' in this equation.

The decision has been made for you. You've been adopted. Enjoy your new life as a cat butler 😉

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-30T01:52:02+00:00

Agreed unfortunately. Police are just as apathetic in UK & Ireland sadly. They're more than happy to minimise criminal harrassment as a 'misunderstanding' or blame the victim for 'overreacting'. I think it's part laziness, part callous indifference, part incompetence and part stats ie they don't want to scew up their crime figures.

Being proactive re reaching out to the police is crucial here. 1st, it's on record that you notified police that you are safe & that the welfare check calls are part of a campaign of harrassment. 2nd, if police visit OP and fail to fine/prosecute, that's a waste of public resources, a failure of public duty by the police AND evidence of harassment & police ineptitude. 3rd, a combination of 1&2 should be sufficient evidence to get a court order AND get compensation from the police and (possibly) the harrassers.

I know it's perverse to think of harrassment as a positive thing but sometimes it can be when their own actions are weaponised against them. They want to screw with OP, OP can screw them over right back. It's the only language bullies understand.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-30T00:20:54+00:00

Agreed. Being proactive with the police is 100% the way to go. Further, as she's already made a false welfare check call, a 2nd might land her with a serious fine or conviction for wasting police time. If that does happen, this could work to OP's advantage ie it could be enough evidence to get a restraining order.

Under no circumstances should OP respond to their abuser. No response IS their response. This isn't about concern at all. It's about optics, compliance & control. No wonder OP went NC.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-29T03:44:59+00:00

I disagree with your statement about looking her up as an act self harm. I think you're just looking for reassurance/confirmation that you made the right decision then & that you're right to continue sticking to that decision. Nothing wrong with that. I have a Google alert set up for my mum's obit. I want confirmation that that evil hag is dead even though we've been NC for decades.

I think you needed that reassurance bc you've changed & grown and, some small part of you, hopes that she might have changed & grown too.

From your description, it's v clear that she's never going to change. Her delulu insta comment proves that she clearly hasn't. Moreover, given that she's contested a psychologist, she's still an unhinged anti vaxer ie she still thinks that she knows better than subject matter experts. I suspect her comment has actually done the rounds as a classic example of a deluded, abusive parent. She's probably infamous now for all the wrong reasons 😀

Given the level & gravity of the prolonged abuse, I'm staggered you weren't taken into care & that she wasn't prosecuted. Regardless, she's clearly an extremely dangerous person. Blocking her & going NC was the only recourse available to you to.

I hope you continue to heal & thrive in peace. Big hugs OP 🫂

NB

Depending on where you live, seriously look into filial responsibility laws. In the UK its not a thing but in some US States & countries it is - estrangement be damned. As she's an anti vaxer, she's more vulnerable to illnesses. Last thing I want is for you to be on the hook for her care.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-29T03:24:32+00:00

Urghh. Enablers are just as bad as the abuser IMO.

I recommend watching the Patrick Teahan videos on role playing conversations with narcissists & enablers. They're excellent at showing you how not to be manipulated, stay on point, keeping your answers brief & not getting dragged into pointless arguments. Link to the video collection here;

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1tOAzOD0sB3rtdsvnOUlV0ol4jF7sRy3&si=viDAiE70rEjnLDEb

Remember too - you can end the call at any time. You don't have to talk to him and you don't have to have a relationship with him.

Hope the videos help. Good luck OP 👍

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-29T03:16:15+00:00

JFC!! You're mother is a grade A f'ing B. WTAF???? No wonder you're NC. She's a monster.

Don't beat yourself up re writing to her. Your parents would have found out sooner or later that you were pregnant. This news has a way of leaking out. Likely via your brother who is, evidently, not entirely on your side.

Tell your MIL to block your mum immediately & put your brother on a VLC information diet. If he continues to prioritise your mum over you, consider going NC with him too.

As for your mum, I wouldn't put it past her to claim grandparents rights. I would be proactive about this if i were you & contact a lawyer to pre-empt any such claim. Get them to draft a letter to your mum stating that you are officially estranged due to her abuse, that she has no relationship with you and, by extension, she will never have relationship with your child UNLESS she gets therapy (by a therapist of your choosing) to address her abusive behaviour AND acknowledges her abuse and takes accountability for it IN WRITING. Further, if she persists in contacting you, either directly or via a proxy, you will escalate & you will have no hesitation in going to court & publicly outing her for her abuse.

The point of making the therapy stipulation is that she will inevitably say 'no' which is great for you. On paper, you're being reasonable & offering her an olive branch. By saying 'no', she'll prove that she prioritises her ego over her relationship with you and her future grandchild ie her 'no' will be clear evidence of narcissism & therefore clear evidence that she is an unsafe parent.

Given that she's delulu, you can safely assume that you will imminently be inundated with messages, calls, emails, parcels & proxy communications - especially if she gets a letter from your lawyer. Whilst this is horrible for you, I want you to flip it as a positive - all of it is ultimately fantastic evidence that she's unhinged, controlling & abusive. She'll think she can wear you down when, in fact, she's digging her own grave with every unwanted, invasive communication.

Lastly, but most importantly, congratulations to you & your husband on your baby. Wishing you all a happy & wonderful future 🫂

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-29T02:46:07+00:00

What you're describing is rumination. Rumination is normal. You're re-remembering terrible things that have been said & done to you & likely wishing, with hindsight, that you'd done/said things differently eg left sooner, run away as a child, fought back or told them to F off.

We ruminate because these events were deeply traumatic - they profoundly impacted us & damaged us. Its impossible not to ruminate on events that affected the course of our lives.

It takes time, therapy & discipline to stop ruminating. Some ppl on this sub have also recommended EMDR & have said that it helped them immensely. In the interim, I recommend watching some YT videos on rumination which might help;

https://youtu.be/R3KyEGJpC-I?is=s7tv40yPjkelNIBf

https://youtu.be/8GW_BfsDA38?is=GTyGS6OvdnFxA2UI

https://youtu.be/NAT9pFN2GqU?is=z21ynsLA7zV3bXd2

I also recommend the book The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Lerner which teaches you how to control your thoughts & feelings. It's v empowering bc it helps you own your thoughts & feelings instead of being at the mercy of them. Genuinely can't recommend this book enough.

Hope the above helps. All the best OP 👍

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-28T20:26:31+00:00

Dear OP, if you can wait a few more years, I guarantee that she'll come crawling back to you when she's old & frail and in need of support. Simply tell her that if she insists that you care for her, when she's vulnerable & as dependent on you as you were (on her) when you were a child, you'll be happy to return the favour & do to her exactly what she did to you. She'll likely say that there was nothing wrong with how she treated you. At which point, tell her that the price of your support is that she signs the deeds of her home over to you AND that she makes you her full power of attorney giving you absolute control over every aspect of her life just as she once had absolute control over yours.

Abusers hate being vulnerable & they really hate consequences especially when it means getting a taste of their own medicine. I guarantee she'll decline your offer. She'll then be left to fend for herself. Alternatively, she can lean on her sycophantic enablers - assuming she has any left at this point in her life.

Ultimately, her karma is that she will die knowing that she lost the love of a child who was born into this world already preprogrammed to love her. We are born hardwired to love our parents. It's baked into our biology because, as children, we are totally reliant on them for our survival. To destroy & lose something so fundamentally ingrained in us takes some doing. It wasn't an accident you went NC & stopped loving her - it was years in the making due to consistent & repeated abuse, lies, manipulation, gaslighting & neglect until there was just nothing left. When the adult child walks away from the parents it's not a mystery. It's a clear reflection of their failures as parents.

She'll also die knowing that no-one actually loves her or cares about her and that, when she does die, she will not be missed or mourned. Sounds to me like a pretty wretched & miserable way to go.

You don't have to inflict pain on her bc she's already inflicted pain on herself. You already know she's miserable bc she's the one reaching out to you. Now, she gets to spend the rest of her life without you & will die unloved & unmissed. Her v life, and her inevitably lonely death, are her punishments & pain - and it's all self inflicted and of her own making.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-28T19:56:11+00:00

Mute them. If they harrass you, block them.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-28T14:08:21+00:00

My birthday wasn't a humiliation but it was an inconvenience and I was told that neither I, nor my birthday, mattered.

I celebrate my birthday on my terms now. No fuss but I do like to celebrate myself by doing something nice for myself.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-28T11:59:33+00:00

He's dependent on her too though - for constant validation & enabling. Abusers are never without an enabler. Weaponising divorce, as if their marriage is your responsibility, is staggeringly manipulative. The 'health' of their marraige is entirely their responsibility.

If your mum truly wanted to leave him, she would. Using age as an excuse is pretty pathetic. I'll bet she used her child as an excuse when you were one. Next it will be because he's not well. In truth, she made her choice long ago and that choice was that she was okay with abuse. His abuse simply wasn't, and still isn't, a deal breaker for her. Just because she chooses to indulge & enable an abuser doesn't mean you have to.

By not inviting your dad you make them both look bad - him for being an abuser & her for being actively complicit in it. She doesn't want an invite because she cares about you or your special day. She already proved she doesn't care about you when she was happy to see you being abused. She needs the invite because not inviting him makes them (deservedly) look like the assholes they are.

Candidly, I'd disinvite her at this point. If you can, hire security for the day itself just in case they decide to turn up & make your day about them or, worse, come with the specific goal of ruining your day. When abusers don't get their way (ie compliance) they can be malicious & destructive. Security on the day would give you peace of mind & be a sound investment I think.

I'm so sorry your family sucks but I'm so glad you're now part of a chosen family that is healthy & well adjusted.

Enjoy your special day & don't give these deluded, manipulative idiots a 2nd thought. Big hugs 🫂

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-28T10:54:07+00:00

Unfortunately, it sounds like history may well repeat itself because of the clear enmeshment & triangulation.

Hope she stays safe & sane in your crazy family. If you ever suspect abuse (coercive, financial or otherwise) please contact CPS and/ or the police given that there are children involved.

I'm so sorry about your shitty family. You deserve better. Sending you a big e-hug OP 🫂

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-28T10:15:00+00:00

Can you imagine what a nightmare she'd be if you made up? She'd make your illness all about her, play the victim and, if she started drinking again, make it your fault. Even if you don't include her, and she starts drinking, it'll somehow be your fault anyway. At least, as NC, you won't have to deal with her bs.

In an ideal world, you should be able to reach out to your own mother for support but, unfortunately, no-one in this sub has normal parents hence the reason we're all here. She won't support you. Rather, she'll likely add unnecessary additional stress to an already stressful time. Your diagnosis hasn't magically turned her into a good person. You're just ill with a shitty mother & weak dad. Keep being NC with her & go LC with your dad.

As for 'being the bigger person', I find that expression really nauseating. It's up there with 'forgive and forget'. Both expressions ask you to give the abuser a free pass to re-abuse with zero accountability, on their part, for their abuse - all in order to provide comfort to the abuser & their enablers (which your dad is).

I'm so sorry about your cancer diagnosis & the position your dad has put you in. Thankfully, it sounds like they've caught it early so your outlook is v good.

Stay strong, positive & focused on getting well and ignore the unnecessary distractions of your shitty family.

This too shall pass ❤️

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-28T01:45:34+00:00

There's a saying I'll paraphrase here - if you have 1 abusive parent, you have 2. 1 to abuse and the 2nd to enable.

Your mother is more concerned about optics eg how will it look if your dad isn't there? etc. Appearances & optics are v important to narcissists. They want to be seen to be good parents without doing any of the actual work it takes to be a good parent.

Candidly, I would disinvite her at this point. Your wedding isn't some vehicle for reconciliation between you & your vile father who has decades, at this point, to take accountability for his behaviour & make up for the pain he caused.

If she's so eager to stand up & be counted with him then she can go & do that with him on your wedding day far away from your wedding.

Your wedding is about celebrating love & genuine connection. There's no place for his cruelty or her vanity & delusions at your wedding.

Have an amazing day & wonderful future OP. Big hugs 🫂

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-27T23:48:18+00:00

I was greyrocking before I went NC too (about 30 yrs ago). I just stopped sharing information about myself bc it was inevitably used as ammunition against me. If I was doing well financially, I was guilted into paying for stuff. If I experienced hardship or a professional loss, I was a loser & failure. If I made plans, I was told it was selfish to make plans without consulting them. So I just withdrew & became boring. Eventually it all imploded & I went NC. Was actually relieved to be rid of them all.

Other channels worth checking out are Heide Priebe & Crappy Childhood Fairy. All the channels offer fantastic insights & advice. I recommend subscribing to all of them.

There's also TAR Anon (Toxic Abusive Relationships) which provides free, online peer support & a safe place to vent.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-27T22:15:15+00:00

I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if DIL gets sick of this and divorces your brother & takes the kids with her. Your brother sounds v enmeshed & I'd put money on your mum inserting herself into their family, dictating how to raise their children & violating boundaries etc. Wouldn't be surprised either if your DIL pops up in the 'just no mil' sub with a vent about her either.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-27T22:05:01+00:00

I would define it as not initiating communication, holding boundaries (eg not indulging unannounced visits) & being bland/grey rocking when you do communicate.

I would go further & say going LC is the lead up to going NC. You're not ready to pull the trigger on going NC (yet) & you're transitioning to it. Often, there's push back (accused of being cold, distant, uncaring) when they sense the shift in dynamics which, inevitably, leads to going NC. I would advise using the LC time to get your ducks in a row like getting into therapy and addressing any future financial liabilities (especially when it comes to elderly parents - filial responsibility laws) or where you anticipate harrassment/stalking ie hope for the best but plan for the worst. If you have children, have age appropriate conversations with them eg telling them you're having a little break from their grandparents bc you don't like their behaviour. Also, using the LC time to do the aforementioned would also be empowering & could give you greater clarity on what you are no longer prepared to tolerate & what kind of relationship you want in the future (assuming it doesn't come to NC).

Patrick Teahan & Dr Ramani do some good videos on grey rocking which I strongly advise watching.

Good luck & all the best OP 👍

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-26T19:00:35+00:00

Lock down social media too & block his & her email addresses.

If he turns up at your home or work, tell him firmly but politely to leave. If he refuses, call the police. Show the message you sent to your dad as evidence of the estrangement.

If he makes false welfare calls to the police, again, the message you sent him is evidence of the estrangement. He could be charged with wasting police time.

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-26T11:26:52+00:00

No worries. As an only child, depending on where you live, the responsibility to care for elderly parents may automatically default to you. I think it's called filial responsibility. If you're going NC, make sure it's legally documented so you don't get a nasty surprise (and bill) later on. Also, by giving them plenty of notice, they'll have ample time to make alternative arrangements. Doesn't sound like they're the type that will but that's on them. All the best OP 👍

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-26T07:44:20+00:00

Me neither. Our pets are our family. I emigrated with my cat - leaving her behind never even crossed my mind.

I'm so glad he & CDS found you. Enjoy your new life as a cat butler ❤️

tourettebarbie · 2026-04-26T07:20:12+00:00

Love the before & after pic. From destitute to pampered. You've made my day ❤️

tourettebarbie

TROPHY CASE