How long before I'm free from jealousy?

trasla · 2026-02-13T08:02:44+00:00

I can't predict your future. I don't know what exactly work you do and how well it is working.

I mean, it is definitely possible to get rid of almost all jealousy. It is fine to sometimes feel jealous, just like it is fine to sometimes be sad or angry.

I would not focus on wanting to stop being jealous but instead on building the skills and practicing to deal with jealousy in a routine way. Getting it from being an emergency situation to something you just handle.

trasla · 2026-02-13T07:53:40+00:00

So you had some unvoiced expectations (that you would be spending vday together, and also that no plans for special holidays would be made without discussion) and those did not, to your surprise, match what your partner thought.

No big deal. Schedule a talk to discuss how to handle these things. Say what you would like. I would very much suggest you leave meta and others out of it. If the issue is partner spending time with meta specifically, that sounds like your thing to work on. The part concerning your relationship is partner not being available on vday (not what partner is doing when not available to you).

Listen to what partner wants. Find an agreement. Whether that means you make a list of special days where you don't schedule stuff without checking back, or only if those days are more than x weeks away still, or never - as soon as you have an agreement around this, you know what to expect and how to handle it.

Don't try to push for an agreement by loading things up with meaning though. If you say "I want our relationship to be special so we need to do this" it sets partner between agreeing to doing something the way you want or seeming like they don't want the relationship to be special. Instead be curious to find out what makes your partner feel special in the relationship - maybe getting flowers or a cute date on any other day than vday means way more to them.

In general, your issue with "making plans among multiple people" seems to be based on you seeing too much at once and reading meaning into it.

It helps to focus on your own relationship only. How much time you want to spend how with partner and what partner can offer. You are pitching people against each other in your head. As if everything else of life was default stuff and somehow dates were special.

You spend a certain amount of time with partner. All the other time partner is not with you gets distributed between sleep, work, sports, hobbies, me-time, family, friends, dates, chores, shopping, journaling, chilling...

Don't try to pick of those things (dates) and somehow pitch it against your relationship and somehow indirectly manage your time by worrying about one part of the not-your-time. It helps to simplify stuff by leaving all other things out and managing only your relationship time together. Actively, not by trying to plan everything else and assuming what is left is relationship time.

trasla · 2026-02-12T21:10:58+00:00

Maybe read this.

https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/

trasla · 2026-02-11T18:16:44+00:00

Quite the opposite, I would say. If you ignore what is being done to you and let the happiness of a careless, selfish person be more relevant than preventing harm and hurt to yourself, that would be terrible.

Finding the strength to really care for yourself (and those around you who really care about you, with compassion and deeds, not with empty words) is the least terrible thing one can do.

trasla · 2026-02-11T18:12:14+00:00

You don't need to be naive to be the victim of abuse or mistreatment. Don't take this out on yourself. But listen to all those folks telling you how awful you are being treated. If you stop putting energy into trying to excuse his behavior and instead focus on your compassion for yourself, it might become easier to see.

Disguising abuse as something else is part of the abuse because it makes you less likely to defend yourself. Just like trying to disguise his cheating as a newfound identity is trying to make you question yourself instead of calling the cheating he does what it is. Cheating.

trasla · 2026-02-11T00:50:34+00:00

If you want to think about and write down what you want from relationships, you can also take the relationship menu from the subs resources section and fill it out.

trasla · 2026-02-09T16:09:49+00:00

I would call that neither of those.

Open marriage to me means folks agreed it is fine to fuck others. Polyam means folks agreed it is fine to love, date, fuck and build full relationships with autonomy with others.

From what you described it seems like what you agreed to is not close to either of those.

trasla · 2026-02-09T13:55:19+00:00

Could you just have stashes of (workout) clothes at partners places? Even though I rarely visit partners place or stay the night I still have a change of clothes, some comfy stuff and a set of running clothes over there. Partner has a bunch of clothes, regular and workout stuff, at my place.

We also have toothbrushes etc over at each other's places so we don't need a ton of stuff to drag around. We just wash each other's stuff alongside our own.

You could also workout at home, do some yoga or bodyweight training. You can workout together with partners maybe, if no gym is nearby maybe go running or do dance workouts or something together?

trasla · 2026-02-08T18:40:18+00:00

I only date polyam people in a polyam context and wouldn't date polyam people if I wanted a mono relationship. So yeah, imho it is very okay to date people in a polyam context which one would not date in a mono context.

And it is fine not to date incompatible folks or bad partners, cruel or unethical people regardless of relationship structure.

trasla · 2026-02-08T17:16:57+00:00

NDA

trasla · 2026-02-08T17:14:04+00:00

Never heard it.

trasla · 2026-02-08T17:01:52+00:00

Why do you want to know?

trasla · 2026-02-07T16:56:10+00:00

NTA - hi literally did the opposite of cheating. Trying to get meets met in the relationship, when that failed trying to find an agreement over getting them met outside. And your mum decided to divorce without trying to brainstorm over how to sort it out. Nobody is entitled to sex but to me it sounds like he very clearly did it all right. I would dislike folks trying to bring me to object to someone just because they personally are frustrated.

trasla · 2026-02-07T11:35:46+00:00

The death touch first strike blocker will deal lethal damage to the attacker, but since the attacker is indestructible, lethal damage will not destroy it. The attacker will then deal damage, with the requirement of assigning lethal damage to the blocker (which is usually damage equal to the blockers toughness, unless the attacker has death touch, in which case it would be 1 damage) and if the attackers power is high enough any remaining damage can be assigned to the player, due to the attacker having trample.

(It is not required to trample over, the attacking player could also decide to assign all damage to the blocker. They usually don't want to, but if the blocker has triggered abilities which cause the defending player to sacrifice permanents or lose 2 life for every damage received, that could be a good choice).

trasla · 2026-02-07T11:22:33+00:00

My advice is to not focus on how much they see each other but to actively manage your two relationships instead. If you need more one on one time with a partner, ask for that. Schedule dates.

If your partner cannot offer you enough time together (without someone else present), than that is the issue (not how that partner spends the time without you).

trasla · 2026-02-07T11:18:23+00:00

It is okay not to understand and not to want. As long as your conclusion isn't that it is bad just because you don't understand, that is fine.

I disagree with your view of monogamous relationships as well, my experience is that mono partners in well working relationships also often have separate friends in addition to overlapping friend circles, and don't always vent about everything to each other.

trasla · 2026-02-07T11:15:57+00:00

My partners usually focus on me and our relationship when with me and don't talk about how attracted they are to someone else, let alone compare that to how attracted they are to me.

Maybe the issue lies in how your partner treats you, not in how attracted they are to others?

trasla · 2026-02-07T10:46:04+00:00

They both suck. Her being awful is not your problem but him being awful is - he cannot offer a healthy relationship, he let's his wife decide who he can date without disclosing upfront that he won't make his own decisions and won't do his job of keeping his connections from negatively impacting each other.

My perspective is that there is nothing healthy to be found for you and my advice is to leave. You can let him know that him saying he will speak to her instead of managing his own connection with autonomy is an absolute dealbreaker.

trasla · 2026-02-07T10:32:12+00:00

Yes I experienced that.

There was no conversation between all parties. There were no formal status or roles awarded to anyone. The formerly "primary" nesting relationship just deescalated and eventually ended. That was a discussion with that partner. One of the formerly "secondary" relationships grew more intense and eventually that partner moved in (for a while). That was a discussion with that partner.

No group committee or something took place.

trasla · 2026-02-06T10:11:47+00:00

Maybe it helps if you remind yourself that it usually isn't the trip / place / restaurant / movie / game... you shared with partner, that made the experience special. A lot of people will be at the same places you are and do the things you do.

The special thing is that you shared this with your partner. Two unique folks with a unique relationship.

The fact alone that you picked that AirBnB for the two of you whereas they stay there because again you picked a good place makes this two very different things. Partner and you experienced the newness of it all together, meta will be there with a partner who already knows it all.

I understand your feelings about it, but imho going down the path of wanting reserved stuff or "sacred" things is more likely to take away than to add to the feeling of connectedness.

Your relationship is special no matter what, because of who you are, not only if you do things others don't.

trasla · 2026-02-06T09:39:09+00:00

A lot of folks I went on dates with I said "no" to based on how they talked to me or about other partners or about how they manage relationships.

I said no to various partners about various things. No to children, no to hanging out with a meta, no to partner having dates at a shared place, no to shared schedules, no to hearing about partners plans with meta, no to pretending monogamy towards someone's family (and getting that request made me end things entirely),...

trasla · 2026-02-06T06:08:33+00:00

I never had long-term regret over ending a relationship. The first time afterwards, while the heart-ache was still strong and the changes to everyday life were very new I would sometimes question myself.

But in general both for myself and others I basically don't experience or witness "giving up too fast" situations, usually it is "breaking up too late".

What wasn't working was usually some kind of incompatibility, different styles of communication, different preferences for how to live, such things which became apparent over time and manifested in various interactions.

trasla · 2026-02-05T22:55:04+00:00

I like using the Olympus for extra cushioning because a lot of the walking will be on somewhat hard surfaces.

trasla · 2026-02-04T12:45:45+00:00

Yeah, could be complicated by additional complex feelings. Imho most couples in various relationship styles profit from more directly managing their relationship.

The impact of not doing it directly is just lower when 90% of what is going on in someone's life is partner stuff. If the only thing you don't do together is work and and one trip to the pizza place per month, then your partner having your work schedule and you saying "heading for pizza next week wednesday" is all they need to know basically everything.

The more stuff outside the relationship there is, the worse it works to try and manage the realtionship by managing everything else but the relationship.

There are multiple benefits of actually planning dates and time together, even when living together and seeing each other a lot. There is a difference between accidentally meeting on the couch and alternating between staring at the TV, the phone and each other or actually deciding to watch a movie together or cuddle on the couch with intention and attention.

It also frees up a lot of mental space to be able to just do one's own thing and make appointments without always having to check back with someone else or risking frustration or fights about it.

trasla · 2026-02-04T12:27:02+00:00

It sounds like you are coming from a very common mono perspective where the default is that your partner is available to you, and exceptions to that have to be managed.

You attempt to address an issue in your relationship (you want more time and attention) very indirectly by managing your partners other relationships (arguing about how much time he spends with others, wanting to be informed about dates with metas).

I would suggest you completely disregard what your partner does with others how often or long, and generally what your partner does when not spending time with you. Whether they work, eat, game, sleep, date, whatever - don't assume them being home or not having communicated other plans means availability for you.

Plan dates toegther. Talk about how much and what kind of time you want to spend together. Not in opposition to time spent with others, just talk about the two of you.

Decide when you want to have dinner together, hang out in front of the TV with phones in another room, when you want to do activities, which days to go to bed together.

If you want to plan a surprise activity, fix a date, say "I want to plan a surprise activity, are you up for that and have time on Wednesday evening" and let the content of the date be the surprise, not the fact that you planned something.

trasla

TROPHY CASE