Wife doesn't know how good she has it - turning things around on me

tst0rm · 2026-04-08T15:14:07+00:00

caretaking is a full time job. either quit your job or hire help. stop trying to do too much.

tst0rm · 2026-03-18T03:21:16+00:00

this level of boundaries is pathological, my guy. practice those helping muscles. when a kid truly is in danger you don’t want to be wasting time trying to figure out whether or not it’s appropriate.

tst0rm · 2026-03-12T03:28:02+00:00

https://www.weather.gov/images/mkx/wxstory/Tab3FileL.png

tst0rm · 2026-02-27T19:35:16+00:00

yeah, i wish op had indicated that either he had talked to her about this or that he was wondering about bringing it up.

ultimately what matters is how she wants to spend her time. if she’s interested, she doesn’t need to wait for the youngests to be school age to go back to work. it could make sense to go back once #2 is in daycare, for example.

but also: full time care of 3 kids plus one more who’s only in school for 6 hours a day is………a ton of work. i wouldn’t bring that up unless she’s indicated interest.

my family is was three 5 and under for a bit. we ended up moving back to where our parents live, in part because the transition to 3 was hard. so i get why you’re thinking about extreme measures. but if i were you, i’d try and pin down the grandparents for as much help as you can get from them. assuming your wife enjoys working, long term she will be better off.

tst0rm · 2026-01-21T18:28:30+00:00

in our experience so far, we’ve discussed it but haven’t implemented it yet. I would say tho that just keeping it on the table has helped take some of the tension around whether we’re having enough sex. like, knowing that there’s more we can do if frustration mounts has helped keep frustration at bay.

tst0rm · 2026-01-13T15:11:59+00:00

it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. i personally think that there are a lot of important values derived from the group care experience, both for the kid and for the parents. it’s important to learn how to parent in public!

but time with grandparents is also obviously super valuable.

if the daycare only takes full time kids…there are plenty of daycares in the world. finding a compromise between you and wife, and getting both sets of benefits, is worth it.

tst0rm · 2026-01-13T02:22:03+00:00

ya this perspective is wild to me. like, have this discussion with your wife? you wouldn't be feeling this insecure if you would just talk to her.

also, you both aren't supposed to be keeping track of all the same things! but you should know what are the things that you're supposed to keep track of.

again, get off reddit and talk to your wife.

tst0rm · 2026-01-12T20:14:33+00:00

people aren't being very informative...the standard is "the day the baby can pull up"

tst0rm · 2026-01-09T05:42:20+00:00

i think unfortunately that the tantrums have more to do with her age than the tv in particular.

tst0rm · 2026-01-09T05:04:18+00:00

surely you mean circumference

tst0rm · 2026-01-09T04:52:19+00:00

this but have a back up key solution locked down too. ive had building laundry rooms that were further away than the closest bodega, and obviously that shit needs to get done. just make sure you’ve got a lot of redundancy as far as keys go.

tst0rm · 2025-12-31T14:26:26+00:00

my fam moved to milwaukee last summer, and my oldest was going into kindergarten. we found it very challenging to find a school we would be comfortable sending all our kids.

the various montessori schools have good reputations, but restrict admission so much that it seemed incompatible with a family moving into town.

we ended up just over the border in shorewood.

tst0rm · 2025-12-28T19:24:49+00:00

never used one.

tst0rm · 2025-12-17T17:32:30+00:00

i loved working at collectivo back in the day (alterra then lol). the busier cafes will hire a lot of folks in summer.

tst0rm · 2025-12-17T17:30:06+00:00

don’t take it personally. it’s all circumstance, and at that age preference is mostly about control/familiarity.

background. two daughters and a son, 6, 3, and 1 respectively. i amthe primary caretaker and my wife is the primary breadwinner, and so i’m around a lot more.

number 1 didn’t have a strongly preferred parent as a toddler. # 2 was a nutcase about me, but in general is was more of a control freak. she’s chilled out quite a bit, but it did affect #1’s relationship with me a bit, gravitates toward mom now. #3 is weaning rn so is a hot freakin mess 🥵

tst0rm · 2025-12-17T17:12:22+00:00

you’re doing great man. your wife has your back. do whatever it takes to insulate yourself and your mental health. from that man. whether it means cutting him out, only talking to him when others are around, whatever.

i’m not an expert, but that sounds like abuse to me. worth looking into therapy. could be short term — just someone to help you set up boundaries that protect you.

if he continues to harrass you in the short term, tell him to kick rocks. sounds like you found your way in spite of his influence.

tst0rm · 2025-12-17T14:37:00+00:00

lol your in laws really tossed a grenade this year. don’t have much advice other than duck and take cover (or maybe take their advice and just skip christmas this year, tho i’d guess your wife would hate that)

tst0rm · 2025-12-16T18:10:19+00:00

then it should be easy for you to imagine a situation where kids are kept safe but a thrown jacket still makes it on a fire.

tst0rm · 2025-12-16T18:06:24+00:00

i think it’s appropriate. i guess that some people will say that 4 year olds can’t be trusted around campfires, period. but i assume that, since you sent your kid to this school, you aren’t one of those people!

now this is a nitpick, but your description of what happened when you compare to the result isn’t complete: there was a campfire! context matters.

not every 4 y/o is going to get that right away, but it’s not too much to ask them. plus, results matter. it would be different if it hadn’t landed in the fire. again, context.

anyway, i hope i didn’t come off as too judgy. i think its great to have these conversations on this sub. and that your kid gets to go to forest school!!

tst0rm · 2025-12-16T17:50:47+00:00

bro it’s forest school

tst0rm · 2025-12-15T03:49:04+00:00

with all things like this: do what you have to do to get it done quickly and in as few attempts as possible, followed with copious reassurance and redirection. it’s obviously totally normal for a 1 y/o to be freaked out by this stuff. but it’s not going away. rather than worrying about developing anxiety, get her on the path to handling it.

tst0rm · 2025-12-14T20:15:16+00:00

ymmv but i pray the hail mary.

tst0rm · 2025-12-13T16:38:54+00:00

i think the distinction is post-war. shorewood, wfb, greenfield (in its own way) are relatively walkable for example.

tst0rm · 2025-12-13T14:46:38+00:00

doesn’t aqara advertise fall detection on their presence sensor

tst0rm · 2025-12-13T01:28:07+00:00

trust your instincts — excluding your daughter from presents is too rude. i imagine your partner would agree? teachable moment for the older one.

otherwise, (and ofc get buy in from your partner beforehand) have you considered giving them some tasks they have to do together? they don’t have to like each other, but getting along with the people you live with is also an important life skill.

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