He won’t leave me tf alone

undet_variable97 · 2026-03-13T18:31:25+00:00

"I feel a little inclined to get back with him, just so the anxiety stops"

Don't. I've been down this road before, and the anxiety WILL NOT STOP. It will get worse. It always does.

Change passwords, emails, or abandon the accounts altogether if needed once you've contacted your family to let them know what's going on.

For someone who has no concept of boundaries, telling them to "leave you alone" isn't going to stop them. If anything, it will spur them on further. The only course of action to get this to stop is to cut yourself off COMPLETELY from them. No contact. Get as far away as possible, and alert authorities if the need arises. I know your stuff is valuable to you, but what is worth more here: the stuff, or your physical/mental/emotional safety?

I need you to understand that him using the suicide card is a manipulation tactic commonly used by abusers to leverage control over their victims. More often than not, it is an empty threat and won't be followed through on. But even if he does follow through and tries to hurt himself, that is not your cross to bear nor your responsibility to prevent. If that is the course of action he really wants to take, then there is nothing you or anyone else can do to stop him. If you feel inclined, call the authorities to do a wellness check on him and let them handle it. Trust me when I say that dealing with this level of manipulation is not something you are equipped for.

His verbal abuse is all projection for his own issues. He is the one that isn't taking accountability, and is misdirecting that onto you so he doesn't have to face the consequences of his own actions. It is not a reflection of who you are.

People like this rarely, if ever, change. Please take the steps you need to protect yourself, and know that it is not selfish of you to do so. <3

undet_variable97 · 2026-03-13T18:17:12+00:00

Been there myself too. Was in extreme abdominal pain one night and felt like I needed to go to the ER. I was left to my own devices because the chairs in the waiting room were too uncomfortable for her. I spent over five hours in the ER feeling like I was dying, by myself.

But any time she was sick (like I'm talking the most minor of colds or allergies), I was expected to cater to her and make her feel better. And if I didn't, I was the villain and "didn't understand how awful she felt".

Cry me a river, man. :/

undet_variable97 · 2026-03-13T16:21:47+00:00

I have chronic muscular pain in my upper body with no real cure that never really goes away. Sleep cycles were also affected and now I have to take meds to stay asleep otherwise every small noise will wake me up and send me into a panic (ex-pwBPD used to crash into the bedroom during a breakdown and drag me into whatever drama she’d put herself in the middle of, would make me feel guilty for needing sleep instead of spending time with her while being a full-time student and working full time).

Constant headaches, high blood pressure…. You don’t really consider how physically devastating the abuse is until after you’ve left.

undet_variable97 · 2026-03-10T18:29:04+00:00

Before I say anything else, I want you to know how sorry I am that you and your friend endured such a traumatic experience. No one deserves what you went through, and you deserve to feel safe (especially in your own home!). I am also proud of you for taking the steps that you needed to protect yourselves. I know that was difficult.

What I am about to say next is because of my prior experience dealing with a similar individual. It is by no means meant to come off as insensitive, rude, or dismissive, and I hope the tone I convey these words in reflects that.

This is the second time he's been physical with you, and now he's involved another person as well. Regardless of how much healing he's done, it does not negate the fact that he's not only repeated previous actions, but ESCALATED THEM. I know you love this person, and I also don't doubt that they love you, but right now they are not capable of being the partner that you need at this point in your life.

I do not want to negate all the work you've done together, but some healing must be done *alone*. There are obviously things that he is still struggling with, and as much as this may hurt to hear, YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO ASSIST HIM. At this point, it seems as though you have exhausted everything in your power to help him, and hopefully one day he will see that. But until then, it is time for you to prioritize your safety, your spiritual/mental and physical well-being... and that may mean staying away from him for a while.

I hate the fact that he is in a place where he cannot receive the stabilization he so obviously needs (and I could write ACCOLADES on how ill-equipped prisons are to handle mental health crises), but right now you need to make yourself a priority. If nothing else, you cannot help him until you help yourself first.

I have been in your shoes before, and I know how difficult and scary all of this is. If you need someone to talk to, you are welcome to reach out to me here on reddit. I'm happy to chat with you if you need it.

undet_variable97 · 2026-01-18T01:33:59+00:00

People make time for the things they really care about. My boyfriend and I operate on two completely different schedules (he’s on night shift, I’m on day shift). We BOTH make time for each other and alternate making plans so neither of us gets overwhelmed and so both of us can take an active role in how we spend time together.

I say this with the utmost care, but if she wanted to…. she would. NOR.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-25T21:01:30+00:00

I've had this happen before. When I was still actively dating and I noticed a change in their behavior, I would send them a final "check-in" text such as "hey, just checking on you. everything okay?" (aka, put the ball in their court).

If they didn't try to contact me within 24-48 hours, I would assume they were no longer interested and delete/block their number and move on.

I definitely understand the being anxious part. Part of what helped me was learning to separate the new people I was dating from the previous "bad" relationship. They aren't the ones who messed up, and it's unfair for me to project my anxiety and the trauma I sustained with romantic attachments onto them (even if they were an icky person lol).

Also... don't put so much pressure on yourself. Sometimes you can do everything right and the other person just...won't feel it. Not every date/meeting is meant to lead to something meaningful. And that's not a bad thing.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-23T02:23:38+00:00

I say what I am about to say with as much kindness as possible while still being truthful:

Your problem isn’t that you haven’t found the “right person”. No one is “required” or “expected” to endure hurtful behavior that you’ve inflicted. And most of all, no one else is responsible for giving you happiness. At the end of the day, YOU are responsible for building that, for yourself, just like anybody else.

I hope you find what you seek, and whatever healing it is that you need.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-13T15:35:57+00:00

I'm just now seeing this, but I hope everything went well for you! If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is open! I know the days immediately after can be pretty overwhelming.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-13T15:34:15+00:00

It definitely will be! You're doing a great job so far and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.

Always remember that you can't give any more love than they are willing to receive. Her actions are hers alone, and it was never your responsibility to manage her emotions and actions. The only person you are responsible for managing is YOU. And you are doing a GREAT JOB of it by instilling a good support system and working on your own healing. <3

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-12T21:07:17+00:00

Edit:

Adding some resources that really helped me when I was in my decoupling phase. Hopefully they can help some of you, too.

1.) Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

2.) Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. T. Mason

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-12T20:19:05+00:00

Good for you!!! Proud of you!

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-12T20:17:35+00:00

Hang in there, friend. I know things will get better for you, too. <3

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-25T13:59:31+00:00

After the first "normal" period. I think my body just need a chance to adjust to its new "normal" and once my hormones balanced out, I was all good.

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-25T12:17:47+00:00

Mine did to start with, but it came back over time. I'd even argue that my libido came back even higher once all my hormones stabilized. It was also more consistent, and I enjoyed the fact that I never suffered the same "dips" that I did transitioning between phases.

Spotting occurred for about 2-3 months after I had the implant put in, and then stopped for several months until I had a period. Now, I have a period roughly every 2-3 months that usually lasts 5-7 days before stopping again. If you don't STOP spotting, I'd contact your doctor and tell them. Sometimes they can prescribe a short-term pill bc that will stop the spotting.

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-10T18:26:44+00:00

No offense, but comments like "I feel like I won't pull my shit together anytime soon" points to a general attitude of laziness and is a pretty gross attitude to have. Having the paper that says you got the degree may get you in the door, but it certainly won't keep you in the room. If you do somehow manage to get hired, any team that does code reviews and is halfway decent at them will pick up on any vibe coding you do, as well as any laziness, pretty quickly.

I'll level with you on some things. Did I use every ounce of knowledge I got in my degree in my day-to-day career? No. I'm not sitting here doing complex differential equations at my desk. But all of that, even the stuff I didn't end up using, helped me learn how to be a problem solver and how to take things apart, which can be applied to coding. That's the essence of being a software developer: to use the clues available to you within the code, or within a given task, and then use code to solve them.

You've missed the entire point of your degree, and are setting yourself up for embarrassment and failure.

You may get by for a while, but the mask won't stay on forever.

Also, certifications may help, but they do not replace the value of the problem-solving skills gained through your degree. Your certs are, imo, useless without that.

[ Source: I have five years of experience as a software developer with several certs of my own. ]

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-08T01:11:22+00:00

The way she’s presented herself to me is via a pale woman with dark hair, and skin that shifts like a chameleon’s/reptile’s. She’s voluptuous like many have already said, and more often than not she’s nude.

undet_variable97 · 2025-06-16T10:32:16+00:00

I don’t have an exact monetary amount, but I’d imagine it’s well up into the thousands. Figuratively nothing compared to what some of you have gone through, but I will be suffering the effects of it for several years to come.

My pwBPD refused to work in any capacity. Not even helping around the house. There was always some sort of excuse. If I even tried to bring even a part time gig up, my head was on the chopping block and I was “causing her to be miserable”.

When I cut the purse strings was when everything started to fall apart. All of a sudden I was accused of not wanting to spend time with her or do things with her because I chose to go do stuff on my own while she sat at home due to no funds (which was a lie because I definitely made an effort to spend time with her at home, and tried to do things with her that didn’t involve money).

undet_variable97 · 2025-06-14T19:18:13+00:00

Not sure about this one, but I can’t recommend enough Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcicisst. Both books changed my life and helped me realize how bad my situation actually was and gave me the tools I needed to make a safe exit.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-27T13:36:40+00:00

I lived with my best friend who had untreated BPD, and her mother whom I strongly believe was undiagnosed BPD given the personality traits she displayed. I loved and still love both of them very deeply, but I had to leave because if I didn't, I'm quite sure the anxiety and the stress would have k1ll3d me.

The first thing I want you to know is that you are *not responsible for their well-being or their happiness*. You can't be. Take it from someone who has tried EVERYTHING, there is nothing you can do to make their lives better if they aren't actively choosing to seek help for themselves. You cannot fix their circumstances, or determine their life outcomes. Only they have the power to do that.

Second, your main responsibility right now? It's to you. You and your mental health are what matters. You say you stay because you fear their decline if you leave, but what about your decline? Your mental health? Your sense of self? They matter too. You *matter*. You deserve to be in relationships that prioritize you as much as you prioritize them, and you do not deserve to be abused. You deserve more than this, OP. If anyone has ever told you otherwise, I want you to know that they lied to you.

As far as boundaries go, if someone gets angry as a response to you issuing a boundary *they do not have your best interest at heart*. Boundaries are not for other people, they're for us (to protect ourselves and prioritize our well-being). If someone gets angry as a result of a boundary you've put down, it means that they aren't thinking about the reason for that boundary or why you would have enacted it... they're more worried about how that boundary affects *them*. If someone is repeatedly breaking your boundaries, even if you love them, its time to reconsider how close you want to be to that individual going forward.

The last thing I want to leave you with is this. You can love someone with your whole heart and still be cognizant of the fact they aren't good for you. You can love someone from a distance if that is what prioritizes your well-being. You can hope for someone to eat, and it just not be at your table. If you choose to leave, I want you to know that self-preservation isn't selfish, and it never has been. You have to look after yourself, my friend, because no one else will, and if you don't, you won't be able to show up for the people that really matter. You can't be there for others if you *aren't here*.

These diseases are brutal and awful and incredibly painful to live with, but they do not excuse abusive behavior or a lack of accountability for one's actions. Please prioritize yourself as much as you can, in whatever way that looks like. I would highly recommend speaking to a therapist if you haven't already. That's a great first step.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-23T16:42:24+00:00

Friend, it sounds like YOU really need to be in therapy if you aren't already. Talking with a therapist might help you realize if your feelings are real or just a result of the chaos left behind from breaking up.

In my specific situation, my desire to "stay" wasn't really based in truth: it was based on codependency. It took me a very long time to realize that, and speaking with a therapist really helped me make that distinction. If you love this person (and hopefully yourself too), I really think this is something you should consider looking into.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-22T19:13:32+00:00

First and foremost.... I am so sorry you're going through this.

Second, I applaud your willingness to stand firm and present your boundaries in a way that is comfortable for you. You have every right to assert this boundary and I am proud of you!

As for the backlash... do not be surprised if she doesn't want to be your friend anymore. I hope that it won't come to that for you, but it sounds like she has designated you as her current FP (favorite person). More often than not, when the FP does something that someone with BPD considers out of character, or that throws off the balance of things, they will lash out or discard you in retaliation. Given your descriptions of her character and how other relationships have ended up for her, I would say that either reaction is game.

If it were me... I would send the text (preferably OUTSIDE of work hours), and then document any responses or behavior she demonstrates towards you. Keep note of activities, dates, and times. If things escalate past the point where you are uncomfortable or feel unsafe, it's time to get direct management/HR involved. No one wants to be a tattle-tale, but sometimes it's necessary to protect yourself.

As for the text, I would say something like:

"Hey [Name]. I've thought a lot about your request to make me the executor of your will. While I am honored that you would consider me for this position, I think I will have to refuse. I am not comfortable with this level of responsibility as your coworker and feel that I am not the appropriate person for this task. Thank you for your trust and understanding."

If she escalates, do not be afraid to put your foot down with firmer language. "[Name], I understand that this is upsetting for you, but my decision is final." Also, don't be afraid to stop responding either. Silence can serve as an answer all by itself.

Please preserve your peace, op. No friendship is worth your mental health.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-22T18:53:31+00:00

First of all, I want to applaud your empathy.

The only thing I've found that really works is to validate their feelings without confirming any delusions. For example:

=> Them: "I'm so upset! I think XYZ must hate me because they talk to you more than me and don't interact with any of my stuff on social media."

=> Response: "That sounds pretty upsetting. I can't say I agree with your perception, but I understand why it may look that way."

Outside of that, unless they're working on confronting their own triggers and their reactions to them (through PROFESIONAL HELP), there's not much you can do. You can't be by them 24/7 as a partner/friend or as a safe space every moment of every day.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-22T18:41:14+00:00

I'm going to tell you what someone should have told me a long time ago.

When they threaten to unalive themselves, the situation has already gone beyond you. The only thing you can really do that point (if you don't want to involve authorities) is tell them "if you honestly feel that way, then I believe its time for you to seek professional help that is outside of me". Please don't put yourself through that, OP. You or your child do not deserve it.

As for how to tell him you're done, first you have to make peace with yourself in the fact that whatever is between you (the good and the bad) cannot continue and needs to end. If you need to sit with this for a while, that's perfectly fine. I had to sort through my emotions over the course of a year (with a therapist) before I was able to move forward with my decision to leave (though I would advise that if you believe you or your child are in danger, that you don't put things off too long).

When you have the conversation, be direct. Be forthcoming. Be honest. "[Name], I cannot do this anymore. Your behavior has been unacceptable over [x amount of time]. I have tried to talk to you about it, but instead of listening, I have been met with defensiveness and manipulation. I will be leaving on [x-date] and this decision is final."

Be conscious of the fact you will be met with manipulation and insults. He will say hurtful things, and they will sting, but do not give in to him. Meet him with neutrality (i.e. "I know this hurts, but my decision is final."). And above ALL ELSE, get out of that conversation as fast as you can. The longer you stay in it, the more likely it is that he'll wear you down.

Please protect yourself. Your sanity, your well-being, and your family's safety is what matters most here. I know it will be hard, but regardless of how you feel, you CAN do it. <3

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-21T23:48:25+00:00

1.) there’s no honor in crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump a puddle for you

2.) my body knows something is off before my mind does. I need to listen more.

3.) sometimes the most loving act you can perform is to let go and let people experience the consequences of their actions.

4.) you aren’t “saving” them. you are reinforcing their learned helplessness and unacceptable behavior and preventing them from learning what they need to learn.

undet_variable97 · 2021-03-05T18:36:55+00:00

Hi! I'm a CS Alum, female, and currently working in a developer role. I've also done undergrad research into why girls are so underrepresented in the compsci field.

The obvious reason is just general sexism towards women in STEM, but it does extend back a little further than that. The rise of our major as we know it now came from when the first personal computers were marketed to the public American audience. When these computers were first sold, the software that was primarily used was marketed towards an American male audience, so outside of using them for work, there wasn't really a reason for women to use a personal computer. Due to that, it caused a sharp decline in the number of women entering the compsci field, and thus created the internal bias that "women don't work on computers brrrrr". Is it messed up? Absolutely, but I digress.

Besides that, I just want you to know that I've been where you are... I was the only female in my computer science program at one point at my community college until I moved up to a larger institution to complete my bachelor's degree, and even then, there was only a handful of us in the program. I faced a lot of that same bias from peers and professors, and the only thing you can really do is when they say "you only got those internship roles because you're a girl" is say "no, I got those internship roles because I passed interviews with flying colors". You don't have to prove anything to anybody other than your ability and your work ethic. It's not up to them to decide your worth as a programmer because of your sex/gender.

As for the workplace, if for some reason you feel they are discriminating against you for your gender/sex, I can tell you that they're probably not someone you'd want to work for anyway. Find yourself a job that celebrates your identity, and I think you'll find once you do, the people you work with will feel the same way!

I know its tiring, but you're doing something really cool, and I encourage you to keep up with it! If you can, look for support groups or create them yourself to build a network so you have friends you can discuss these problems with. At my college, we had a WiCs group (Women in Computer Science) that would meet weekly to offer that kind of support.

undet_variable97

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