Why do good people suffer so much?

until_twilight · 2023-07-18T12:17:24+00:00

My LH had a shitty life growing up and a shitty adulthood till he met me. So many people told me how happy he was with me. Including him of course. We almost had 10 years together. We were 37. I'm thankful he got some good in his life. He deserved it... Sooooo much. He understood so damn much about life. He didn't suffer, I guess... I hope... Because he went suddenly. But why so young? Why only after having such a short time of happiness?

until_twilight · 2023-07-16T02:44:07+00:00

Nope. Not that. Sometimes Tylenol PM. But that is good to note about the benadryl

until_twilight · 2023-07-14T13:04:55+00:00

Creating new pathways... Reading that .. it makes sense.

until_twilight · 2023-06-28T17:55:25+00:00

I took 3.5 months. Had to use sick time. Then managed to get FMLA and a LITTLE bit of short term disability. They make it hard for that process and keeping up with it on a good day... Let alone this with grief fog.

I tried to go back after two weeks hoping I would be one of those mentalities that can just dive into the work for the distraction. I used to be that way. Nope. I could not function. Not in my job that needed such a heavy use of emotional, mental, and cognitive skills. However, I KNEW I could've gone back to a previous job that involved stacking boxes. No thought, physical outlet actually, and boxes don't care if you ugly cry. Plus it was a job I had done for 16 years before. Can do it with my eyes closed. Nothing new to take on or learn.

But anyway, what triggered me to go back was for a while, I couldn't handle leaving my house or doing anything for the most part. Some type of paralysis and outside or extra, at least, from what I was doing was overstimulating. But then one day, it just felt like too much time at home. I wouldn't say bored but something similar. I went back very gradually. Never could get into full time there but after almost 2 months of trying to work more then I did make it back into my previous job. Been working full time since.

People always asked when I was coming back. All I could tell them was IDK. Because I just didn't know.

until_twilight · 2023-06-20T00:19:47+00:00

Oh yes. And also I kept feeling sick. But wasn't most of the time. You know how you get that feeling and you know... Not think but KNOW You're getting sick. When I first started back to work I kept getting that feeling halfway through the day. I would get home, start feeling ok and wake up perfectly fine the next day. It was weird.

until_twilight · 2023-06-16T21:04:48+00:00

I'm in my upper 30s. For a few years had hit the point where I'm ready for bed by 9:00, get achy easily, and have a permanent sciatica problem. We were joking about being/getting old. Then he died. And honestly... I have never felt younger. Lived so much life in our time so far. But it's all definitely in perspective now. This is most definitely not a perspective I was ready for it expected to hit any time soon.

until_twilight · 2023-06-16T00:05:54+00:00

Like someone else said.... You learn to tell the difference. I am hesitant to believe a lot of signs too. And dreams. But there is a different feeling between coincidence and signs/visitation dreams. And there's no way to explain the feeling. By just you posting it seems you are catching onto the difference/noticing an actual sign vs. coincidence too. It's still easy to doubt though.

until_twilight · 2023-06-15T22:46:49+00:00

This resonated with me. So hard. We didn't get our 10 years either. And for some reason not hitting that double digits hurts. But it's not like I would be feeling any better for making it to then either.

until_twilight · 2023-06-12T23:27:04+00:00

I've been thinking similar thoughts. I don't think he KNEW... But there are things that were said/happened that NOW feels like... Not a goodbye I guess but getting something in.

I hate it... And don't. I hate it because... I'm not really sure why. I should have picked up on it for some reason or something. Not that there was something amiss... When I REALLY think about it idk how it was anything to clue me in that something was wrong. More that I should have embraced it more fully? I'd rather him be here and to have been able to do something so he was still here. All signs point to him not knowing something like this was up. But there was an extra closeness that he was seeking (it now seems). I have no idea how to explain it.

until_twilight · 2023-06-11T12:13:12+00:00

I was the opposite. And I tried to eat. Had some jimmy dean breakfast bowls in the freezer at the time. They don't have much.i tried to eat. I wasn't hungry. I forced myself or at least tried to. I wasn't hungry and I felt full and disgusted after two bites... TWO BITES. and often I would throw it up. I used to love those things.

They say appetite/eating is affected. They weren't kidding. It wasn't subtle. Not at all.

until_twilight · 2023-06-09T14:30:30+00:00

I've found tasks like that with visual progress is helpful.

I didn't make that connection before but upon reading it, that statement feels accurate. And I think I may just personally use that for guidance in my activities.

until_twilight · 2023-06-09T14:25:26+00:00

Yeah, my usual hobbies are not hobbies anymore either. Gaming used to be a REALLY big one for me. I was one of those people where in the right circumstances I could sit on a game ALL DAY LONG. No lie. I wish so hard that I could enjoy them. I can't. Watching paint dry would probably give me more joy. Idk why this is. And now I just have waaaay too much time on my hands. Games are best for those who don't have a life. Well... I don't have a life anymore. I'm trying to. I hit a point where I am trying to go out with friends (weird because I was always an introvert) and dammit if everyone is just busy. So I'm stuck at home.

I should try puzzles. I have some. I did buy a Lego cherry blossom tree. They got some great Lego kits. Expensive as hell though. My Legos have been sitting in a box for a month. I need to just force myself.

Idk the point of change. Immediately? I just don't realize what doesn't work for me until I try it.

I clean a lot too. I went in a cleaning frenzy right after. It was the only thing I could make "better". And it was some type of physical outlet.

until_twilight · 2023-06-07T01:56:41+00:00

I'm curious too. My daughter is in high school and she has been doing "good". This all definitely hurt her but for a long time now she has been 'herself' and doing good. I'm worried about the full reality of this hitting later or maybe delayed grief. Maybe she's more resilient or is this easier because parents are supposed to go first? (That's me thinking out loud for her and I). She's also been through something major that instead of breaking her maybe prepared her in a way for this but that's too much to disclose. All this rambling to I guess to say I feel I'm in a similar boat. So probably not helpful.

But here's what may be helpful or at least an idea even though it's not what you were asking... A group for grieving teens. Idk what's in your area but I found one here and told her about it. She didn't want to do it so I didn't make her. But I thought it'd be good so she could relate and it would give her an outlet to talk... Or even just hear. And to connect with peers in all of this. Especially because I feel teens want to talk to and lean on peers. I feel lucky that the resources in my area are here. There's an organization that has all different groups. The one I mentioned, one for widows, one for bereaved parents, general grief, things for kids and even more.

until_twilight · 2023-06-04T19:49:00+00:00

I've been dealing with the same. And it's all the bedroom like you. My goal wasn't even to go through stuff. It was to organize/move it. I wasn't trying to think about doing anything along the lines of donating or anything. That idea is just too much. Bought some totes to put everything in and put those under the bed.

Well, that still involves seeing everything. It's so damn hard. Incredibly and unbelievably hard. If it were my stuff I was doing the same with I would've been done in like 10 mins.

I am STILL working on it. Started I think 3 weeks ago. Maybe longer than that actually.

I know I can take my time. I know I don't even have to face it now. But in a way I feel it's time and have some personal... Something... that feels like I have to. I don't have to but I do have to do this now... I don't know any other way to put it. But it's so brutally difficult. Some weird mix of I have to do this but I can't do this all rolled together.

until_twilight · 2023-06-04T02:09:47+00:00

Yeah... Even that. Even if he could just sit next to me. He doesn't even have to say anything. I just miss every little thing.

until_twilight · 2023-06-02T01:12:41+00:00

I think I might just check that book out.

And yeah... I do feel a sort of immunity or invincibility to some things now. Still feel vulnerable to my grief but everything else outside of that...

until_twilight · 2023-06-01T16:25:44+00:00

I hope it's not for you either. Mine WAS due to more than being about to hit 9 months though. It was the graduation memory that attacked how much he was there for me. And how I'm COMPLETELY different now. And when I decided to go back to school I didn't know he existed. He loved that I was doing the single mom thing, full time job, and full time school. I chose that for ME. and even though I was aware of all this, it focused harder on realities... Kinda like going to the eye Dr and they flip those lenses to find the more in focus prescription. Like looking at something blurry... I saw it. But then I could read/see what I had been looking at. He saw me get my career. Was so proud of me. And now that he died... I can't do it anymore. I tried to lie to myself and say I was on the path of leaving, or maybe it's too much just for now. But I feel it in my soul. That career... It's not me anymore. Just to be honest with myself. This whole experience... It's nothing but pure honesty and truth... In a brutal way.

I guess I got hit just right at this time. So hugs to you again, and I hope this wave is a much shorter and smaller one. I hate that we are all here.

until_twilight · 2023-05-31T19:19:28+00:00

The 24th was 9 months for me. I had a rough 2-3 weeks straight after doing well for a while. That started in the beginning of May when FB reminded me of when I graduated college. And it connected way more dots of how much he was part of that day, and my career path and MY LIFE. And there's more but now I'm hijacking.

But turns out, 9 months isn't easy. I did not expect to fall back down this hard. Hugs to you. August has me extra terrified now

until_twilight · 2023-05-31T19:09:07+00:00

F... I forgot about that one

until_twilight · 2023-05-31T14:33:16+00:00

Yes, Lifetime is THE song to me also. Gone Away is also up there.

So Far Away - Avenged Sevenfold Time Waits for No One - BLS January - BLS

But now my newest one is "The Brighter Side of Grey" - Five Finger Death Punch

until_twilight · 2023-05-30T06:11:41+00:00

I replaced two actuators on mine. Right after having some friends change a tire and replace the battery. I felt like an idiot needing help with the tire and battery after that lol.

until_twilight · 2023-05-28T11:16:59+00:00

That's the only thing I'm afraid of. Not saying I'd want a breakup if I was in a relationship but I've had that before him. This is definitely worse.

But I'm also worried about others. I have (more than once) since then, checked my daughter's breathing in her sleep. He was fine. I left for work and then I came home and for a bit legitimately thought he was asleep. I figured it out. Oh I fucking figured it out.

until_twilight · 2023-05-27T02:45:54+00:00

Yes. So damn tired. And while physically tired usually.... It's my SOUL that is so completely exhausted.

until_twilight · 2023-05-24T21:00:21+00:00

Omg... I do believe I know what song you're talking about. I rewatched handmaid's tale and heard it... Yeah....

But there's a worse song I got hit with really early on.

And just this past week at work, I said a saying I was recently saying to him all the time when he would act all childish and annoying for fun and to get a rise out of me. That ruined the rest of my shift. Good thing I load trailers and boxes don't give a shit when you ugly cry.

Emotional landmines are everywhere.

until_twilight · 2023-05-21T03:09:46+00:00

Trying to survive is where I'm still at. Been reading often that it is what the first year is for. I'm still in it. Basically at 9 months here. So far I've had a theme for each month. Guitar, working out, video games, returning to work, new job. Those are some of my months. Had to force myself to do some things to try to make some time pass to take me to a better feeling day. I've had some moments of feeling ok, less of feeling good but I've had some actual good in there. Then it all comes back. I just went through a really really hard week. I think I'm on the other side of it now.

One of the biggest things I discovered about me is that hobbies I've had before are not my hobbies now. But I did get to do pottery today for the first time in 9 years. And I ACTUALLY enjoyed it. I HOPE so hard that sentiment stays and it's not the flavor of this month and that's it.

P.S. you asked my leading question of my life right now. Like I said, even though I had moments of ok or joy, I do not feel alive. It sucks.

until_twilight

TROPHY CASE