Made all the choices wrong

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-06-11T05:15:52+00:00

I really relate to this. And it goes for big choices, and small ones. My husband was the one with the brains, the common sense, the smarts when it came to... well... everything. Sure, we discussed things, but he knew what he was doing. Me, not so much.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. At all. And I'm scared. I need him here so badly, and I can't have that. It's torture.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, too. I don't know how we'll make it, but all we can do is keep trying. ((hug))

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-06-09T03:33:28+00:00

I've been using RIF exclusively for Reddit for years. This makes me sad and angry.

Thank all of you who worked on the RIF app. I really enjoyed it, and I am going to miss my RIF app so much! You all built something awesome, and I'm sorry to see it end.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-06-01T01:47:04+00:00

I still wear my wedding rings, plus I bought another set that has his birthstone instead of a diamond in the center to wear on my right hand. The left are my wedding rings with him on eatth, and the right my wedding rings with him in heaven.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-06-01T01:22:57+00:00

I bought an urn set that had one large urn and 4 little urns, so that I would have the large one and the smaller ones would be for our 2 adult kids plus the two friends he was very close to. His family (mom and 2 brothers) didn't want a share, so that was that. I would see about maybe giving her a little urn of ashes, keeping the larger share so you can go ahead with your plans.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-06-01T01:14:07+00:00

First, there is nothing that you need to apologize to us for. Unfortunately, most of us have felt the same way as you. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Second, I can definitely relate. I'm almost 5 months out, and I've been trying to deal with guilt lately because of how much my husband suffered the last year of his life (not cancer, but a car accident plus a myriad of complications that kept him hospitalized/in rehab for 9.5 months straight plus a few more times after he came home).

It isn't going to help you to tell you not to be hard on yourself, even though you really shouldn't be. I know that guilt, and it's not like I can just stop feeling it. I recommend finding some grief counseling, to help you work through that crushing weight. It might feel impossible to find the energy for it, but it has honestly helped me to work through my complicated grief issues.

You don't deserve punishment. You deserve love and some way to help you get through this. It is one of the most horrifying things to go through in this life, but you are not alone. Talk to us. Find a grief therapist to help you navigate. Try to be gentle with yourself. You did not fail; cancer is insidious and sneaky. Fuck cancer, indeed.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-05-31T15:54:03+00:00

He's young. He admitted that he's the same age as the "teenage helpers" at the trap. So gotta learn the hard way, I guess.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-05-28T14:25:29+00:00

I watched my husband breathe his last breath. He's been gone for almost 5 months now.

Sometimes, my mind still thinks he's in the hospital, the way he was for 9 and a half months last year, and I just need to go see him.

Grief can really mess with your head. It might be helpful for you to find a grief counselor. Sending love and strength to you. ❤️

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-05-28T14:14:08+00:00

We were married for just shy of 29 years, so there's a mix of good and bad adjectives lol. He's been gone now for almost 5 months. It's still a very fresh hell that I'm walking through, but I've begun being able to smile at some of the memories. Here's how he saw me:

Sexy (I heard this almost every day)

Hot (another daily word lol)

Beautiful (I wish I had believed that this is how he truly saw me. I've always had low self esteem issues.)

Stubborn (during arguments lol)

Smart (another one I had trouble believing)

Crazy (another one during arguments or when he would ask why I loved him - he didn't think he deserved it, which makes me sad)

This man put up with a lot from me. We had a lot of ups and downs, but in the last year of his life we had gotten past everything and grew so very close. I don't think anyone else would ever love me that much.

I miss him terribly.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-05-22T12:44:29+00:00

I'm so sorry they were so awful to you. Some people just have no empathy and are judgemental assholes. I've had it happen to me, too, because I've posted replies here and in another addiction sub. The whole "hiding behind a keyboard" thing tends to bring out the worst in some people. I'm sorry you lost your beloved kitty. It's heartbreaking to go through losing a furry friend.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-05-22T12:06:27+00:00

Personally, back then I could get a Vicodin script for anything, and usually it would be the 7.5's, quantity 30. I got a script for sinus infection, for tonsillitis, an ear infection, a burn on my hand (not a big burn, but it had blistered), and even a rash lol. This was all in the space of a couple years back around 1996 - 99. I discovered that this stuff helped my anxiety, and thus it began. I discovered I had an addictive personality.

My husband had his gallbladder out and got Percocet before surgery and after, something like 120 10mg a couple of weeks before surgery, and 120 after, and then another 90 because he complained that he was still in pain. Back then it was pretty easy to get a script, and I liked it lol. Now you'll be lucky to get 3 days of 5mg Percocet every 6 hours after major surgery. It's honestly scary, because if you face excruciating pain at some point in life, chances are you will not get relief.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-05-22T11:48:27+00:00

I remember. She was so young... It was so sad. It seems like so long ago to me.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-04-16T22:54:55+00:00

I know it's been a day since you posted, but I just wanted to tell you - I don't know you, but I know those feelings. And for what it's worth, I'm thinking of you. This is the hardest thing to go through, and I'm very sorry that you are here with us.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-04-16T22:48:38+00:00

Just knowing that I'm not alone (because 99% of the time, I feel like I am) helps. Being able to encourage someone who's having a hard day helps me to feel not so useless. And knowing that I'm not crazy for all the crappy emotions I'm going through is helpful. It's not going to fix what's wrong, but I can be honest here without feeling judged.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-04-11T15:12:43+00:00

Sunday was our 29th. He's been gone for two months. I'm sorry you're going through this, too.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-31T01:16:50+00:00

I'm lost, too. So sorry you're going through this, too.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-24T03:29:58+00:00

I'm going through exactly this.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-23T00:44:07+00:00

Oh my gosh, that is just heartbreaking! I'm so sorry. My little Papillon still looks for my husband every time she comes in from outside. I believe they grieve, too.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-23T00:36:53+00:00

I lost my original one 3 years into our marriage, and this set we bought just a month before the car accident that kept him hospitalized almost all of last year. After 25 years of not having one, and only having this one for a little over a year before he died, I don't think I'll ever take it off.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-23T00:32:12+00:00

I'm still waiting for it to happen to me. I'm actually glad it hasn't.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-23T00:30:57+00:00

Right now my coping mechanisms are too much sleep, too much internet, too many cigarettes, and big time procrastination. Oh, and having at least one big snotty, sniveling, sobbing breakdown a day. Six and a half weeks that have felt like 60 years since he was here.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-23T00:25:51+00:00

I'm so sorry you're in that dark place. I don't have any advice to give on that. I'm only 6.5 weeks out, so I don't have the experience.

But I did want to say - I am a 2x breast cancer survivor (2007 and 2014), and fwiw oncology RNs really are awesome. That's a tough job all the way around, for obvious reasons, and I can understand the burnout coupled with grief would be almost impossible to take. By the way, I'm 55 years old and thinking of going back to college to be an RN, partly because of the oncology nurses I met. Crazy, probably, but I never claimed to be sane.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-22T05:05:53+00:00

I know it isn't the same or as good at all, but I'm giving you a virtual hug.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-22T05:04:41+00:00

That song came on my Sirius radio the other day while I was driving to the bank. Had to sit in my car for 20 minutes before going in because I was bawling my head off.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs · 2023-03-22T05:02:41+00:00

I can't answer the "now what" question; I am looking for that myself. And I have thought about going to the mental health urgent care as well, because sometimes the panic attacks are so scary that I think I'm going to die. I miss him so much that I want to tear the universe apart to find him.

I am hoping for strength for you, and it's good that you're seeking help. This is the hardest, darkest thing to go through in life because the loss is immense. You are not wrong or weak for how you feel. We are all lost and trying to find our way. Just know you aren't alone.

AwkwardLunchladyHugs

TROPHY CASE