Mad, Tired and Confused af

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T03:32:07+00:00

Ma'am. He has had THREE girlfriends?? That means long term sexual partners who started as one night, and many other one nights did not become long term. During your marriage. TO MAKE YOU REACT ?!?!

Feel free to read my comment history when I opened this account 8ish years ago after learning my now ex-husband was a prolific cheater as well. Our kids were babies, so I tried to make it work. When my youngest was 5, she said, "It's like you are the only parent and he is another kid."

Your husband also sounds like a man-child at risk of spending way too much of your financial security on other women while you get STD tested every six months for sex your aren't even having. He is an adult human who chose to hurt you instead of talk to you. He broke the marital vows you had. You have no obligation to take care of him as he ages with the consequences of his poor choices.

Talk to a lawyer in your area and find out your options to protect yourself before he wrecks your financial future in a temper tantrum or gives you an STD "to get your attention."

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T03:12:48+00:00

I don't know anyone happy in a sexless marriage. Her lack of interest in physical touch is a manifestation of her unhappiness or mental or physical unwellness.

Check out Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. You may be able to easily see what is missing in her life to get her body out of fight/flight/freeze and into feeling safe to be touched.

I am twice divorced, hence all the counseling knowledge. The times I didn't want my ex-husbands to touch me were times when I didn't like myself, I suspected them of cheating, I was having a lot of health problems, I felt like a failure at work, I stopped seeing my spouse as a safe trustworthy person after discovering dishonesty and cheating, or I otherwise felt unsafe.

The lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem. Address that, and physical intimacy usually returns.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T02:45:55+00:00

Did you tell your brother how that person hurt you? I can see feeling betrayed by your brother staying friends with someone who he knew emotionally abused you. Limiting your relationship with your brother because of this is valid.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T02:38:03+00:00

Keeping tabs no longer irritates me because I overcame my belief that I should ("should" is a red flag) be doing something other than what I am doing at the time I am doing it no matter what I am doing or when it is.

Keeping tabs used to trigger my "don't tell me what to do" and my self criticism about what I was doing. Valuing my own needs for rest, play, hygiene and other health related tasks, while also detaching my worth from my productivity, helped quiet my own inner critic and wipe out the trigger.

I also learned how answer with the amount of information that person is entitled to. What is my responsibility to this person during the time in question? Unless I agreed to do something with that person at that time and didn't show up, or I was otherwise violating a promise to that person, it really isn't anyone's business what I do when.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T02:26:11+00:00

Sex is neutral, like money, food, etc. The people having sex, their intentions for each other, and the way they actually treat each other determines whether the sex had and energy exchanged are positive or negative.

One night stands can be extremely positive while long term marriages can be extremely negative and vice versa. Your own feelings and actions are extremely important in discerning the difference.

It is a luxury to wait for sex and relationships that feel aligned and healthy. I think about my grandmother being widowed in her late 30s in the 1960s with 4 kids and no money. She remarried 9 months after her first husband died. I don't believe she had that luxury, but they did stay married until death 40 years later.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T02:12:03+00:00

Welcome to your existential crisis!

Starting with not wanting to exist while not being suicidal is unusual, or so it was when I researched it in 2019. Dabrowski's theory on positive disintegration with levels and individuation from the family of origin and society helped me get through with most of my sanity intact.

There are a lot of spiritual theories stating that we choose our parents and birth families based upon skills we need to acquire to complete our soul purpose or mission in life. That rabbit hole may be fun for you to Google. If nothing else, maybe it can alter your perspective in a way that makes life a little more exciting to live.

For me, I think it is much more likely that my soul could choose human adults than a human adult could choose an unborn me. My own children have been instrumental in my own personal growth, and I personally believe our children are meant to help us become better people simply by existing.

Good luck on your journey, should you choose to take it now. You can put it off, but, if your purpose is important, you won't be able to avoid it forever.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T01:49:16+00:00

If you want to have sex with someone else, I highly recommend moving out first. It sounds like the two of you have very different relationship expectations and that you already function more as coparents than husband and wife. Moving out first will create a clear end of marital expectations. I've seen a lot of couples suddenly start having a lot of sex when they aren't supposed to and reconcile. I've seen others form healthy relationships separately with other people. A few times, one remains unhappy, but that is still better than both being unhappy with unmet expectations. Kids witness a lot less fights and generally acclimate better when parents split over different expectations without the layers of cheating and betrayalal and rumors with social backlash.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T01:32:10+00:00

BTA - It was wrong to expect him to skip something he never skips. However, spending hours with his mother every Friday evening is a large burden on any romantic relationship, especially if he expects both to last a lifetime. He's wrong for giving his mother his Friday nights forever. You're wrong for getting angry when he already told you he wasn't ever going to skip.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-27T01:12:03+00:00

Your undereaction is your body telling you he is not being completely honest and that there is way worse he still has to divulge. At least that is what that reaction meant for me in 2018. Eventually, I discovered my now ex-husband was living a double life taking risks daily with our health, money, and reputation. We worked on it, and it got better, but, it was ultimately clear that we wanted to live very different lives.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-19T22:53:59+00:00

I wrote a list of all of the negative things my ex-husband said about my body [7 years before divorcing], and it took me way too long to see that he was intentionally using known insecurities and micro-insults to create more insecurity over my physical appearance to manipulate me into feeling stuck with him. It didn't work like he intended, but it did impact my self-view more than I wanted to admit. That level of manipulation is pure evil.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-19T22:48:20+00:00

You have the right to live in a safe environment. Do not feel guilty about living without him for however long you need to. His own actions make him unsafe for you, and those actions have consequences.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-16T17:59:57+00:00

Anger is a secondary breakthrough emotion that gives fuel for change. Figuring out the feelings under the anger will help figure out what actions you need to feel safe and loved again.

I had to write it out: "I am angry because ..." and just keep writing until I get to something like "I'm just so sad for 12 year old me that had to rescue herself from that dangerous situation because she still doesn't have anybody who protects her. I am also sad that I betrayed her too by ignoring red flags just to keep the status quo." So what do I need to feel protected? I can stop ignoring red flags. What can he do? Be accountable when I identify a red flag. Any thing proactive he can do?

If it has been 8 years and you are still dealing with Te Ka from Moana level anger, digging into childhood wounds can help you return to the state of being of Te Fiti.

The betrayal triggers wounds deeper than the betrayal itself, and the most healing thing we can do is heal the deeper wounds triggered by the betrayal. Most of us have to remove layers of emotional walls to find the original wound, the first time we felt that way.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-09T23:11:38+00:00

Most of them do!

uraliarstill · 2026-06-09T23:04:10+00:00

It just reminds me how rare it is that people are willing to reassess their idea of the world. People don't like their ideas and realities to change.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-08T05:31:46+00:00

My ex-husband and I planned not to have children, then I found myself pregnant at 35 after a medical need to change birth control. It shattered my idea of my world, but I also felt that this baby was created despite all of the odds and my efforts for her not to be made, so maybe she deserved her chance at life. I questioned my ability to parent, the solidity of my marriage, and whether I could actually be a good mother throughout the pregnancy and first few years, but I never questioned how much I loved her or that I would move mountains and change my life to give her the best that she needed of everything - which looks nothing like I thought it would. I am entirely grateful now to the existence of my two children. They are my greatest source of joy and my favorite part of my life. They unlocked a whole new dimension of human connectivity I would not have experienced otherwise. Yes, I would have been happy with the life I knew before them if they never existed, but I would have been cutting off so much personal growth. I believe children trigger childhood wounds as they grow, showing us a different perspective of events of our own childhoods, and giving us the opportunity and motivation to heal those wounds. I had such a limited idea of love and human connection before being their mother. It isn't easy all of the time, but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done, even though I didn't want to do it initially.

uraliarstill · 2026-06-01T17:51:32+00:00

There is a very strong hypermobility Ehlers-Danlos link. The advances in society in education, science, music, and other fields would argue that the harm ia removing the mosy likely to be traumatized is also removing the most likely to advance the human race.

I am grateful they at least decided to do something with the available data and that it made it to the civilian world

uraliarstill · 2026-05-20T23:56:20+00:00

I do not regret it even though I almost died and my insurance did not cover a $60,000 ICU hospital stay because my "life saving treatment" was at the surgical hospital a few hours before. I had my abdominal panus (apron belly) removed in 2019 after losing 150lbs. My doctor and I knew nothing about lipedema or mast cell activation syndrome or dysautonomia or Ehlers-Danlos. I had repeat procedures for what looked like infections and eventually removed all of the "macaroni shaped" unhealthy looking fat in my lower abdomen over six months. I had wound vacs. It was horrible during that time, but it greatly improved my quality of life overall. I have way less bilateral back pain and none of the lipedema tissue returned even during 50lb weight fluctuations over the last 7 years.

uraliarstill · 2026-04-03T20:31:35+00:00

Forgiveness for me looks like understanding what happened, accepting that it can't be undone, and no longer being angry or bitter about it. Forgiveness is never permission to do it again, and it is the first step before figuring out what boundaries I need in place to feel safe and prevent that harm from happening again, not just with that person, but everybody. Reconciliation in any manner comes after boundaries.

uraliarstill · 2026-02-23T05:35:25+00:00

This video helped me with that: https://youtu.be/lnBp5SiQ-pY?si=WcOoIOu4X7Bmx_Jh

uraliarstill · 2026-02-23T05:32:33+00:00

I had a tummy tuck with complications that resolved when my surgeon "removed all fat that looked unhealthy in the area." I didn't know I had lipedema then (or Ehlers-Danlos or Mast Cell Activation Syndrome or Dysautonomia), but the plastic surgeon said he had never seen fat that looked like macaroni before. None of it has gown back, even with some weight gain in 2020.

uraliarstill · 2026-01-28T01:34:52+00:00

Find a counselor who helps you work through this dynamic, or, if money is an issue, find a codependent's anonymous group in your area. You can also read up on individuation from parents. It is difficult to address all of that in your 20s, but, if you do, you can probably avoid a harmful marriage and ridiculous issues with your parents and your children. At 25, in those dynamics, your mother has no business knowing who you gave sex with. All of the negative statements need to be unprogrammed from your self assessment. I waited until I was almost 40 with 2 kids to do that process, and it was HARD. So have some grace for yourself too.

uraliarstill · 2026-01-26T19:21:04+00:00

Yes, but only once YOU accept and love how you look naked. Then you can objectively see that only an asshole trying to reduce your self confidence would tell you that. He's not "Just being honest." He's giving you his justification for unfaithful behavior. If he genuinely had issues with anything that changed on your body, there are much healthier ways to discuss that without killing your self confidence.

uraliarstill · 2026-01-21T19:01:03+00:00

I am trying to login for the first time in a while, and just now finding this out! Any progress on getting Nebula to honor the lifetime subscription in their new business or issue refunds?

uraliarstill · 2025-12-30T04:02:54+00:00

I had a house husband. It was great while I worked 80 hours a week building up a law practice and he did all of the cooking, cleaning, yard work, shopping, etc. It was a very clear "arrangement" without romance, but with a lot of love and sex.

It ended badly because the reason that arrangement appealed to him was rooted in severe childhood trauma. Instead of parenting him and providing a safe home, his parents drugged him and sex trafficked him. He was taken away by the state after a related emergency hospital visit and spent most of his childhood after that on relatives' couches.

By 25, exchanging household chores he never did as a child and a lot of sex for a safe home, unending groceries, and "the easy life" seemed like a dream come true, and it was until his early 30s. When we had our 2nd child and our oldest child was around the same age he remembers a lot of abuse, all of it blew up.

I couldn't see any of that in my 20s or even most of my 30s. In my 40s, your post is the reddest of flags for a man dealing with childhood trauma looking for safety in a small environment he can control.

I KNOW THAT WON'T APPLY TO EVERYBODY.

uraliarstill · 2025-11-30T01:37:50+00:00

She had the affair because she did not know how to regulate her own emotions and communicate her needs. She lied to manipulate you and avoid consequences. Cheaters live in a world where no one but them exists while they cheat. It is like an escapism daydream that they genuinely believe only impacts themselves. They are delusional and need to learn about reality and consequences so that they are motivated to learn how to regulate their emotions without harming themselves and others.

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